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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Does this sound financially fair?

878 replies

runningaway90 · 21/02/2024 09:36

Longwinded but hoping someone will read.. Just looking for advice as feeling a lot of financial stress at the moment and not sure how to handle the situation. Myself and DP bought an older house a few years ago and it ended up needing significantly more work than expected. DP has a large deposit partly from family gift and sale of previous home (his home and I paid 50% of mortgage for half the time he lived there). I had much lower deposit (about 20% of his) so was wiped out buying this house as contributed all of my savings/equity. I mentioned adjusting ownership % at the time to allow me to keep £5/10k back but he was not happy with this as he was already putting down much larger deposit.

When we moved in, we spent about £45k on various repairs within 6 months (boiler, kitchen, doors). I’ve been trying to save as much as possible to pay off everything we have done so far but still have around £5k to pay off my share on CC etc. He is constantly making digs that I need to save more anytime I rarely go out with a friend etc but I’m trying to save between £500-700 a month.

On top of this, I pay 2/3 mortgage payments to balance out his deposit which is further restricting my ability to save. There are still repairs urgently needing done ie. roof needs replaced. He is getting a lump sum inheritance and will upfront the roof but expects me to pay him back as soon as I can (before the above mentioned debt).

I feel like I am drowning in a never ending cycle of repairs on this house. I really want things to be fair but I feel like I can’t keep up and every month there is another thing he comes to me with that must get done. On top of it, he was the big driver to move here, I was much happier in previous new build we had bought but agreed to move as he was so unhappy there. I’d honestly rather downsize to take the pressure off and have my life back but there is no way he would move again and certainly not somewhere with lots of neighbours.

Am I being unreasonable to feel his expectations here are unfair? What can I do in this situation? I know I am an adult and got myself into this situation but struggling to figure out what to do and the pressure is making me so stressed.

OP posts:
KTheGrey · 07/07/2024 14:37

Thr conversation with his sister makes it sound like he is a golden child in a rather unscrupulous family. She sounds a great person to have in your corner, but it is OK to bring in another person from your family to strengthen your hand in case she can't stand up to him. Sounds like she has had her own issues with him. Hope you have made a plan for what you want and what you are going to do to get it. I love a list myself.

DyslexicPoster · 09/07/2024 20:38

Hope your doing OK op.

Hazyjaneishere · 09/07/2024 22:30

Echo what others have said re: sister. She might just have axe to grind and be unhelpful. I believe in you and that you are strong enough to do this alone - and what comes next. You’ve seen the light now and can’t unsee it. Good luck! We are all behind you x x x

Apparentlystillchilled · 16/07/2024 07:28

Just checking in to see how you’re doing, @runningaway90 x

runningaway90 · 16/07/2024 22:34

Hi @Apparentlystillchilled thanks for checking in again. Still stuck. I tried to end things last week, felt so sure of myself and brought up all the issues I've raised here. He made excuses for everything I raised but also apologised and grovelled profusely. Told me I don't have to pay a penny to the roof as he just wants me to stay and he doesn't want me to be in debt while he has savings. That he would have walked the dog when I was ill but I didn't ask.

I now feel pretty stupid that I couldn't stand firm and I don't hold out much hope he will truly change as he was still blaming me while making excuses for his actions. So yeah I feel pretty pathetic but I'm going to try again and last week at least gave me a chance to ask him directly about how we would split the house and dog. He admitted he doesn't think he will have the time or money to keep her and she would probably be better off with me so that's something. Wouldn't blame everyone for unfollowing this thread at this point as it's just taking me far too long but am going to try again as soon as I can x

OP posts:
Apparentlystillchilled · 16/07/2024 22:41

@runningaway90 don't feel stupid- this is big stuff and it’ll happen at the right time. You sound like you’re doing brilliantly- hang in there. Baby steps.

Lazypeopledrivemecrazy · 16/07/2024 23:17

Hey, come on OP, you're not failing any of us, we're just strangers on social media, who feel for you, and want you to be happy, which you're clearly not with this man who uses you, and abuses your love for him. Every time you try, it will become a bit clearer that he's just coming up with the same old excuses to make you stay, where HE'S comfortable! If he truly cared about and loved you in return, he would be making massive changes in his behaviour and mindset, in order to prove that he cares, so, if he keeps to his word this time, then all well and good, BUT, you've already told us, that even while he's talking the talk, he's also blaming you, for HIS mistakes, ie, he'd have walked the dog while you were ill, if only you'd asked - if he truly loved you, you wouldn't need to ask, as like my wonderful DH, he would already have predicted your needs, and done the job, never mind waiting to be asked, especially when you keep telling us that you don't think he'll allow you to take the dog if you leave, because the dog is HIS!!!

Here's an example of a man who truly loves his partner:

Due to my disability, I rarely manage more than 2 or 3 hours sleep at night, but by morning, have usually fallen into a deep sleep. My DH, and I sleep separately so that I don't disturb him with my constant tossing and turning, so when he gets up, usually a couple of hours before I do, he makes a point of leaving his phone in his room, so that if it should bleep, it doesn't disturb me. I didn't know this until a couple of days ago, when I heard his phone bleep in the distance while having my breakfast. I'd seen him run to answer it before, and wondered why he didn't just have it in his pocket, so asked why he keeps leaving it in his room, to which he said 'Well if it bleeps before I wake you with your breakfast, I don't want it to wake you up, do I?' A silly little thing you might think, but he knows how little sleep I get, and the fact that he's actually thought about this, absolutely amazes me, and shows me just how much he cares. THAT to me, is TRUE love!

So, my advice to you - Keep trying, the time WILL come, and I for one will still be here, rooting for you, and waiting for that one post that tells me that you've finally found your strength, and done what you really needed to do.

Keep the faith - you can do this!

Moosegooseontheloose · 16/07/2024 23:32

Keep listing OP, you’re doing ok
At least you’ve broached it either him and you’ve sussed he likely will be ok about you taking the dog.

The thing is, you don’t have to try to leave him again, just tell him it not working for you. That’s all you need to say. You don’t need to explain as he sees that as a negotiating point then he starts blaming you.

You're not failing us. You’re doing this for you and you need to do it at your pace. We’re rooting for you though and we’re here for support and hand holds as needed xx

Gcsunnyside23 · 16/07/2024 23:33

There's no timeline on this, just try again when you free strong enough. You'll need to put a firm plan in place for yourself first so you and your dog have somewhere to go etc

PippyLongTits · 17/07/2024 00:11

What is his rush to get it all done at once? DIY jobs aren't going anywhere, they will all still be there waiting to be dealt with when you have the time/money/energy.

ZebraD · 17/07/2024 06:50

I think you have done really great. Some of the problems between you are probably communication maybe not voicing your opinion and standing your ground early on. (I am guessing here) so what you have done last week is a lesson to yourself. And it worked - he no longer expects you to pay for the roof. Superb! Maybe his excuses were sheer embarrassment as his behaviour! I would like to think so!
its no loss to anyone on here if you stay with him or go. Maybe a frank conversation is all it takes, I don’t know. None of us know him or how you feel for him.
also, you don’t have to actually leave, you can stay there while the house is sold and you get your half - then you can get your own place or whatever your plan is.
we are here to hand hold…that’s all. To someone who seems like they need it. Well done for having the strength and courage to reach out to us on here but also to take steps to taking control of your life and your finances.

HarrietStyles · 17/07/2024 07:43

Another one to say that we are all behind you whatever happens, please keep posting here and talking to us if it is helping you. Don’t think you can’t come back here if you choose to stay for now. Only you know what is best, work to your own timescale.

Maybe a few harsh home truths might be what he needed to hear in order to change. Only time will tell on that one.

runningaway90 · 17/07/2024 07:52

Thanks all I appreciate your responses so much. I had been feeling a bit embarrassed as I keep saying I'll go by X time but I know it's my life and I don't owe anyone this. I think I feel like I am letting myself down so then feel I'm letting everyone else down too. I feel very conflicted as I do believe he thinks that he loves me and wants me to stay but I just don't know if I trust him to change and I still felt a little like he was blaming and gaslighting me rather than genuinely taking responsibility. But I'll figure it out I'm sure. Thanks for all being so supportive, it's such a massive help

OP posts:
KTheGrey · 17/07/2024 11:48

You don't need to apologise - to him or to mumsnet.

I think what you've done is massive! And it also sounds like the conversation went better than you expected - yes, he can't admit that anything is his responsibility, but he hasn't got nasty about it, and he's OK with you taking the dog.

And I think it opens the door for more conversations about your financial situation. If he wants to change, then his first move should be to sit down with you, go through all the finances and work out what you "own" and what he "owns" in terms of contributions made. Then work out a fairer contribution scheme from here on, where you get to keep your disposable income and he does not have any entitlement to it, and does not hassle you about what you spend it on. All on hair extensions holidays to Bali and motorbikes? So what, not his money.

If he doesn't do this himself, or refuses to prioritise that conversation when you suggest it, you have your answer. But he may give it a go.

Moosegooseontheloose · 17/07/2024 12:50

What are your expectations in “trying” ?

That he’ll agree with you?
Give you permission to leave him ?

Remember he has a vested interest in you staying as you’re paying more than your fair share.

You don’t need to explain yourself and go into the ins and outs of why you’re not happy in this relationship.
He already knows because he’s guilty of it …and up til now has been getting away with it.

You’re not waiting for his permission to leave.
In fact, talking to him about leaving is a waste of your time. You don’t need to “ try” to talk to him again. He will always try a tactic to keep you there and he will never agree to you leaving.
But you don’t need his agreement.

You’re the reason he can afford to live in that house, so he desperately wants you to stay so he can continue fleecing you.
Expect some love-bombing if first tactic doesn’t work. He’s in this for himself,OP.

If he’s genuine about loving you and wanting you to stay he should be happy for you both to get separate lawyers today and sort out who owes what now.
As he’s been fleecing you, he should be happy to pay you back what he owes and have a fair written legal agreement going forward.

He can show his love in these actions. The rest is just empty words.
Actions not words.

Bluetrews25 · 18/07/2024 19:47

It's really easy to advise someone else, and often the solution to the issue seems glaringly obvious to outsiders.
But the person with the problem is a real person (well, we hope so!), who has a life, and emotions, and natural inertia.
It's easy for us, it's very hard for the person affected to make big changes.
It's ok, @runningaway90
Those of us still here get it
It's not easy to change and uproot your whole life.

thestudio · 18/07/2024 21:15

I don’t understand why you are paying more mortgage- that doesn’t seem fair at all! He needs to ring fence his deposit so that he gets more back if you sell, but the mortgage should be equally split - especially as the move was driven by him.

But I think he sounds like a mean prick and you would be better off forcing a sale and fucking off to have a lovely life without him.

thestudio · 18/07/2024 21:21

thestudio · 18/07/2024 21:15

I don’t understand why you are paying more mortgage- that doesn’t seem fair at all! He needs to ring fence his deposit so that he gets more back if you sell, but the mortgage should be equally split - especially as the move was driven by him.

But I think he sounds like a mean prick and you would be better off forcing a sale and fucking off to have a lovely life without him.

So sorry, that’ll teach me not to rtft.

BoxOfCats · 18/07/2024 21:35

I think you just need to stop giving him reasons he can argue with. If you give him a list of reasons, he will give you a list of excuses.

It's OK just to say that you're not happy in the relationship, end of. He cannot argue with that. Only you can know how you feel.

Ginkypig · 19/07/2024 21:16

Iv been away so iv only just seen your updates

you will manage this and it will take as long as it does. You don’t owe any of us anything! Although I do hope to hear updates should you choose to share them.

you are doing great. You have had a conversation with him you have recognised that his response is not ok even though he tried to bamboozle you and manipulate things so it seemed you missed rather than saw his behaviour was wrong and you got answers about the dog which was one of the major reasons why you felt paralysed about taking any steps towards leaving.

you have really taken some big strides forwards since I was last on this thread. I hope you feel proud of yourself because you deserve to!

runningaway90 · 19/07/2024 22:07

You have all been so nice and understanding that it really makes me upset almost! I know I'm a stranger to you all but I find it so hard to talk to others in real life and having people who keep coming back to give me advice has been so helpful alongside the help of my counsellor.

Honestly this week he has continued with the same day to day behaviour of expecting me to look after the dog more even when my job is super demanding, criticising me for stuff with the dog and just generally not being that nice to me, I've been craving a calm space to go home to. So even if the finances changed, it's not enough and I know that now. I've seen a few places to rent that will take dogs and I've been squirreling money away since I posted this initially so just got to get to that point of leaving. Thanks again I really appreciate it all 🙏

OP posts:
Lazypeopledrivemecrazy · 19/07/2024 22:20

Yay! Sounds to me like you've pretty much got your ducks in a row OP. We told you you would get there in the end, and I think it sounds like your on the edge of the precipice, just taking that last moment before stepping over. You seem to have finally let yourself believe that things won't get any better, something which we all saw when you first posted, but when you're deep in the game, it's hard to see the woods for the trees. Could this be the weekend when you finally tell him that it's over??? Only you know the answer to that, but even if it's not, we'll still be here for you, egging you on, and ready to hold your hand when you decide it's time. Take care my friend.

Moosegooseontheloose · 19/07/2024 22:36

Well done OP, imagine how lovely it will be without him and his negative energy !

Don’t tell him, just leave with the dog when you’re ready then text him. Don’t get drawn into unnecessary discussion with him. It will get you nowhere.
Obviously, don’t tell him where you’ve moved to once you’ve left.

“This wasn’t working for me so I’ve moved out and it’s over”, is all you need to say.

Then see a lawyer re getting your share of the house/ forcing a sale.
Honestly, it will be so much easier when you’re away from him. You’ll be able to think so much more clearly.

Moosegooseontheloose · 19/07/2024 22:39

Get as much paperwork together re what you’ve paid for the house / what he’s paid / receipts etc before you leave ( Ducks in a row, in MN speak!)

ZebraD · 19/07/2024 23:07

I think you are at the point where just one thing will finally tip you over the edge. You know what, you are currently grieving for the relationship while you’re still in it and when it finally comes to it you just won’t be bothered. (I mean you will but you just won’t want him) it’ll just be getting used to being on your own which is an entirely different thing. he will no doubt fall apart when it eventually happens.
are you sure you need to rent rather than just wait to sell up? I just think once you leave, you may lose out or he may delay you getting your money. Did you get some legal advice? Please do this before you go…you dont have to follow up any legal advice through solicitor but I really do think it would be sensible to get an idea of what you can expect.
great that everyone has helped you so much…I think I speak for most when I say I am really rooting for you x

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