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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does this sound financially fair?

878 replies

runningaway90 · 21/02/2024 09:36

Longwinded but hoping someone will read.. Just looking for advice as feeling a lot of financial stress at the moment and not sure how to handle the situation. Myself and DP bought an older house a few years ago and it ended up needing significantly more work than expected. DP has a large deposit partly from family gift and sale of previous home (his home and I paid 50% of mortgage for half the time he lived there). I had much lower deposit (about 20% of his) so was wiped out buying this house as contributed all of my savings/equity. I mentioned adjusting ownership % at the time to allow me to keep £5/10k back but he was not happy with this as he was already putting down much larger deposit.

When we moved in, we spent about £45k on various repairs within 6 months (boiler, kitchen, doors). I’ve been trying to save as much as possible to pay off everything we have done so far but still have around £5k to pay off my share on CC etc. He is constantly making digs that I need to save more anytime I rarely go out with a friend etc but I’m trying to save between £500-700 a month.

On top of this, I pay 2/3 mortgage payments to balance out his deposit which is further restricting my ability to save. There are still repairs urgently needing done ie. roof needs replaced. He is getting a lump sum inheritance and will upfront the roof but expects me to pay him back as soon as I can (before the above mentioned debt).

I feel like I am drowning in a never ending cycle of repairs on this house. I really want things to be fair but I feel like I can’t keep up and every month there is another thing he comes to me with that must get done. On top of it, he was the big driver to move here, I was much happier in previous new build we had bought but agreed to move as he was so unhappy there. I’d honestly rather downsize to take the pressure off and have my life back but there is no way he would move again and certainly not somewhere with lots of neighbours.

Am I being unreasonable to feel his expectations here are unfair? What can I do in this situation? I know I am an adult and got myself into this situation but struggling to figure out what to do and the pressure is making me so stressed.

OP posts:
Gcsunnyside23 · 02/07/2024 12:35

Stay strong and give him it all full throttle. The financial situation is not fair and you absolutely shouldn't be paying 2/3 as well but I suspect when you finish and a solicitor goes through it all they can confirm it all. He's using the financial situation as a way to hope you ok line and don't forget it. You deserve so much better. I'm really glad you told a friend

frequentlyfrazzled · 02/07/2024 13:34

runningaway90 · 02/07/2024 12:01

Well my earlier post while on holiday was definitely down to the fear of leaving more than anything else. There's been another issue in the house needing fixed and being added to the list of debt so we are due to have a conversation about finances tonight and I think I am just going to crack. I have wrote down all of what he is asking for me to pay for plus the debts I already have from the house and just going to bluntly ask him how in the hell he expects me to do this plus pay 2/3 of this mortgage which is also going to go up soon. On top of that I'm also now ill with covid, had to clean the entire house while unwell and have been given full time dog duty this week as I had my holiday and obviously have to make up for that even though I'm sick. So yes back to reality with a bang and wondering why on earth I even stupidly considered that I could stay here last week.

It is all so cold and transactional with him isnt it, like he is constantly weighing up what you owe him, both financially and practically, and in his eyes you will always owe him more and need to do more. But he is completely oblivious to your needs in this relationship. I wonder if he even sees you as a person with agency, with your own opinions and needs? I hope this can be a turning point for you. It is scary to face such a big change, but think of the alternative - being able to make decisions for yourself and shape your own future. Good luck for tonight. I really hope you get some clarity that will enable you to move forward.

skyeisthelimit · 02/07/2024 13:51

If you don't feel well enough then postpone it, but if you do go ahead, make lots of notes as you talk, so you have a record.

This man is greedy, selfish and will never change.

You really do need to find the strength to walk away from this. I know it's hard because of the dog.

Lazypeopledrivemecrazy · 02/07/2024 14:26

Well I can't say I'm surprised OP, things never seem so bad when you're out of the situation, hence being on holiday it all seemed manageable, but now you've come home you've landed with a massive bump.

I'm sorry to hear that you're poorly on top of everything else, so if he wants to talk tonight, and you feel up to it, give him what for! (If you don't feel up to it, tell him to fuck right off!) Tell him that while you were away you came back thinking you could make a go of things, but he's proved by his behaviour since you came home, that the relationship doesn't stand a hope in hell, and that as soon as you feel well enough you will be moving out / looking for somewhere else to live.

I wish you all the strength you need, to deal with this fuckwit once and for all, and please DON'T HOLD BACK!! This guy needs to hear what a complete shit he is!

SuperGreens · 02/07/2024 15:28

The conversation tonight sounds like a good opportunity to tell him that its over. He is an utter piece of work, and the sooner you are out from under this yoke the better. I would go into the conversation ready to say none of this is working for me anymore and I want out of it. He can either buy you out, or the house is sold. No doubt he will try to screw you over so don't agree to anything and involve lawyers when necessary.

Then start thinking about how to get out. Maybe give him notice, and tell him he will need to start covering your share of the mortgage or you will be putting a tenant in to cover it. Probably worth getting advice on how to manage it, I know Shelter can provide excellent legal advice on housing rights and responsibilities.

SuperGreens · 02/07/2024 15:32

On the subject of the dog I would act like I dont care and its his problem, you are much more likely to have him demand you keep her if he thinks you dont want to.
And dont fight or argue with him, keep it civil and be nice until you have extracted yourself, ideally you need cooperation from him or it will just cost more and take much longer.

KTheGrey · 02/07/2024 19:56

It isn't just the money. You are being punished for going on holiday by being made to clean the whole house and look after the dog when you are ill.

He's so mean to you. 😥

Original poster
runningaway90 · 02/07/2024 20:39

Thanks all, it's really helping with clarity to have you continually helping me out here. I'm in bed as I'm feeling floored now from having to do 2 dog walks and working from home while he's off, so I'm postponing the chat tonight until I'm feeling better as I don't have the energy to stand up for myself. But he's absolutely done me a favour and this illness has almost came at the right time to make sure I am reminded of the horrible man that I'm with. I've no reason or excuses to stay any longer so I'll be doing it in the next few days and update. Appreciate all of these responses so much, thanks for being there for support all of these months even when I've wobbled.

OP posts:
Ginkypig · 02/07/2024 20:53

Your an absolute rock star @runningaway90 dont lose this feeling it will keep you motivated and strong.

we will be here ready to cheer you on or offer support (well as much as a stranger on a forum can)

KTheGrey · 02/07/2024 21:13

When you have the big talk, it's fine to get your friend or someone from your family to come down and keep the conversation on track. Take care of yourself. Xx

froggybiby · 03/07/2024 00:37

Thinking of you. You are a very brave lady. You can do this. Xx

HarrietStyles · 03/07/2024 09:40

You can do this @runningaway90 💪🏼💐

The first conversation will be hard, but so worth it for the end result. We are all here to listen, to hand hold and to advise if you want it xxxxx

Pussycat22 · 03/07/2024 11:17

NO!!!!!!!

Moosegooseontheloose · 03/07/2024 11:51

KTheGrey · 02/07/2024 21:13

When you have the big talk, it's fine to get your friend or someone from your family to come down and keep the conversation on track. Take care of yourself. Xx

Yes, he won’t like what you’re going to tell him.
A friend present to stop him trying to gaslight you, emotionally blackmail you or love bomb you.

Could you see a lawyer first … ducks in a row ?
Leave with dog then tell him ? Is that feasible ?
Then sort everything once you’ve got away ?

Your head will be clearer away from him.

Abitofalark · 03/07/2024 14:16

Sorry to hear you've come back to this and are unwell on top of everything else. It's now that you need to tell a friend or family the state you are in and the need for their backing to boost your resolution to go through with this confrontation with him about the reality of your finances and where it has brought you to. Having that support makes such a difference when you'd otherwise feel so alone and exposed. Hoping you can stand up to him and find the strength to do what is best for you. We're always here for you.

ZebraD · 04/07/2024 07:47

Hope you are feeling a bit better today. x

Original poster
runningaway90 · 06/07/2024 00:00

Thank you @ZebraD . Gosh. I am close to his sister and never confided in her. I let it all go tonight and she told me she will stand by me and agreed that everything he does financially has been backed up by his parents. So she's told me she's on my side as she knows what he is like, and she has a lot of influence over the dog side of things. So I'm ready and I have someone on my side who will do what she can.

OP posts:
Original poster
runningaway90 · 06/07/2024 00:03

Also I should add, they have had a difficult relationship so I really believe she wants to help me and knows how it feels.

OP posts:
ZebraD · 06/07/2024 00:03

Wow…that’s really something. Well done for having that confidence…with wisdom on my side…be careful putting your trust fully in her, it may be ok initially but just remember it is her brother after all. Good luck though.

Original poster
runningaway90 · 06/07/2024 00:07

ZebraD · 06/07/2024 00:03

Wow…that’s really something. Well done for having that confidence…with wisdom on my side…be careful putting your trust fully in her, it may be ok initially but just remember it is her brother after all. Good luck though.

Thank you, I do agree and I'm cautious why I've never discussed with her but I know she's a good person and know the way he has treated her in the past so I hope she might be what I need. It's enough to help me do it and figure things out at least.

OP posts:
Lazypeopledrivemecrazy · 06/07/2024 00:15

That's fantastic news OP! I'm really glad that you feel his sister will support you, but as a previous poster said, remember that she is HIS sister. You CAN do this OP, and will feel SO much better, once you're away from him. Sending you strength, and all the very best wishes.

ZebraD · 06/07/2024 00:22

Yes of course…do what you need to do for now…just bear that in mind.
one step closer and one step at a time ☺️

Ginkypig · 06/07/2024 01:06

well done for being so brave and talking to her.

it sounds like this could the perfect outcome as I know the dog was a major factor in why you don’t feel you can take the next step.

iv really got all that I can cross crossed for you!

Abitofalark · 06/07/2024 01:48

That's really good as talking to people is so much better than keeping it all in your head and carrying that burden around with you. A feeling of having support and someone on your side makes all the difference. I would though, talk to your own family and friends as well because there is always a slight risk that it could come a point with his family member where loyalties become entangled and conflict. Partners' family relations can be tricky and involved, so you need to have backup from others you can turn to in case things go awry. Hope you are getting over covid and the shock of your return from holiday.

GrettaGreen · 06/07/2024 18:18

Just popping on to say I'm still rooting for you OP!

You are a good person

You deserve better

You'll make it through