Does this sound financially fair?

[runningaway90]

Longwinded but hoping someone will read.. Just looking for advice as feeling a lot of financial stress at the moment and not sure how to handle the situation. Myself and DP bought an older house a few years ago and it ended up needing significantly more work than expected. DP has a large deposit partly from family gift and sale of previous home (his home and I paid 50% of mortgage for half the time he lived there). I had much lower deposit (about 20% of his) so was wiped out buying this house as contributed all of my savings/equity. I mentioned adjusting ownership % at the time to allow me to keep £5/10k back but he was not happy with this as he was already putting down much larger deposit.

When we moved in, we spent about £45k on various repairs within 6 months (boiler, kitchen, doors). I’ve been trying to save as much as possible to pay off everything we have done so far but still have around £5k to pay off my share on CC etc. He is constantly making digs that I need to save more anytime I rarely go out with a friend etc but I’m trying to save between £500-700 a month.

On top of this, I pay 2/3 mortgage payments to balance out his deposit which is further restricting my ability to save. There are still repairs urgently needing done ie. roof needs replaced. He is getting a lump sum inheritance and will upfront the roof but expects me to pay him back as soon as I can (before the above mentioned debt).

I feel like I am drowning in a never ending cycle of repairs on this house. I really want things to be fair but I feel like I can’t keep up and every month there is another thing he comes to me with that must get done. On top of it, he was the big driver to move here, I was much happier in previous new build we had bought but agreed to move as he was so unhappy there. I’d honestly rather downsize to take the pressure off and have my life back but there is no way he would move again and certainly not somewhere with lots of neighbours.

Am I being unreasonable to feel his expectations here are unfair? What can I do in this situation? I know I am an adult and got myself into this situation but struggling to figure out what to do and the pressure is making me so stressed.

How are you doing? Hoping you are on a lovely holiday!

Hope you're ok @runningaway90 .
I've been googling. Dogs Trust can help arrange a temporary foster home for your dog if that would help you leave.

Hi both,

Thanks for messaging. I'm on holiday and having a nice time thank you, hope you're well. Unfortunately still haven't had the courage to do anything concrete and feel so ashamed. I also thought I'd feel a big sense of relief being away from him but I feel the opposite and like I just want to be with him.

It's so fucked up as I know I need to leave 90% of the time but there's that 10% hoping things could be better that keeps talking me into staying and don't know how to get past it. My counsellor almost seems like she doesn't know how to help me right now either. Sorry not the great news that I'd love to have shared but it's harder than I thought. Feeling quite like a lost cause!

@CoffeeBeansGalore thanks, I have seen that from other posters too. I think he'd make things very difficult financially if I took the dog away which is probably the bigger issue than having somewhere to stay.

Ridiculous, and I'm unfollowing this thread.

Cheers, and please do as your comments haven't been remotely helpful anyway.

I'm sorry to hear that you still feel there's something worth staying for OP, but no one else can tell you, when the right time is. However, I'm sure that sooner or later, you'll find yourself thinking, why on earth have I wasted so much time on this user, who deep down only wants me for what I contribute to what he sees as 'his' house, I should have left him ages ago, when I had all those MN's telling me what I couldn't seem to see for myself. Then maybe that will the right time for you. I do hope so, as it's a shame to hear that you seem to have settled back into the old routine, when we all thought you were on the verge of doing what we can see you need to do. Good luck.

It's so fucked up as I know I need to leave 90% of the time but there's that 10% hoping things could be better that keeps talking me into staying

in any other area of life job, house, bad service in a restaurant or hotel etc you (all of us I mean not just you personally) would look at the balance and if it was 90% bad it wouldn’t even be a question that you’d change or leave but somehow with love and relationships we somehow tell ourselves it’s different and we don’t follow the rules we would automatically follow in every other area of life.
our feelings blind us or at the very least make us ignore our boundaries that we have in place for every other part of our lives!

one of the best things iv ever been told is love is not enough.
What that means in reality if the relationship is not good enough and you’re not being treated the way you should then it doesn’t matter how you feel even if it is painful you have to listen to your head because your heart will only allow yourself to carry on being treated badly.

this is your life @runningaway90 and you only get one so it’s up to you how you decide to live it and no judgment from me but I believe you deserve better than this

I also believe (actually know from experience) that as horrible and impossible to go through with and as painful as it is at the time once you actually do it and come out the other side you eventually look back from whatever new life you are living and can’t believe it took you so long and it no longer makes sense why it was so hard to take that step.

all I can say really is as someone who is looking back from a new life (not a perfect one and not always an easy one) the idea that I had decided to stay and the thought that I would still be in that life and relationship I had then feels truly horrifying!

please enjoy your holiday

Glad you’re enjoying your holiday,OP.

I’m often looking back at the life I had with my abusive H and I often wonder why I didn’t leave earlier.
I realised in 2017 that things weren’t good and that he was playing me for a fool.
I finally got the ball rolling to leave in 2021 and have been free since beginning of 2022.
It’s difficult making that first move but once you do it you just go with it.

A person who loves you doesn’t treat you like that. You deserve better. A peaceful life for you and your dog to start with.

Dont be ashamed. You will make that first move when you’re ready.
Read back some of this thread if you feel you’re slipping back.
Just don’t waste your life on this man.

Keep posting on here too. It’s a rollercoaster. It doesn’t all have to be positive. As long as it helps you.

Please please consider leaving him! Do not have children with him! This does not sound like a lovely happy relationship, it's just transactional, whose partner charges petrol money?? Absolutely insane, that's not how relationships work, he should be willing to spoil you not count every penny you owe him! This guy won't look after you if you were to be out of a job

It’s clearly very complex but the going to the far end of a fart to make sure you pay what he is regardless or your ability, savings etc is a big red flag for me. This isn’t how loving relationships work.

Don't feel bad that you are not ready yet. I think when you have been in a relationship for a long time, that becomes the norm and even if you know it isn't right there is a sense of comfort and belonging in sticking with what you know. Recognise it for what it is, you are just craving what is most familiar. It is confusing and scary to change the status quo. Just keep exploring your options, and be open to new experiences. You will know when the time is right.

What should have happened as you live together your deposit and his deposit should have been joined together so it doesn't matter who put what in. Then everything else split or a split in proportion of your wages especially after you paid half his mortgage previously. I'd tell him what your willing to pay and if he isn't happy with it then say you have to move and get somewhere cheaper. You don't have to split up but if he wants to keep the house amd you living in it then he has to make your financial situation better

Hey, it's good to hear you are enjoying a holiday and also have had the excellent result of recent promotion at work. This is a tremendous boost and not only to your finances: it shows that you are capable and appreciated. Also that you have strength and qualities of initiative and ambition. You tested yourself and went beyond your doubts to face the possibility of failure, and won.

You have been hovering for a fair while balancing on that bar with one leg on either side wondering what to do and so far unable to take a decisive step. Will you stay or will you go? Is the hesitation compounded with fear: fear of going against him and the familiar roles of authority and power you have been in, fear of asserting your own will on your financial arrangements, fear of open conflict, fear of what he will or can do financially and fear of leaving and finding yourself alone and unprotected by the security of your relationship and living situation?

If it is, it's important to shore yourself up with real family or friend support, to accompany you through the process, help you manage the practical and emotional, protect and act as a parachute if you do decide you want to make that leap. Only you know which way or when. Stay or go, it's not easy. One way lies freedom and the other keeps you as it's always been.

@runningaway90 You have to do things in your own time. You are probably still in love with the idea of what your relationship could have been "if only".
It's your life & you are the one who has to live it. You have to come to terms with the reality of his selfishness and all his other faults.
It's taken you time to actually realise this relationship isn't normal.
It's not what you deserve. Don't let yourself be bullied from now on. He constantly puts himself first. You need to put yourself first & keep saying no to him.
Please take care of yourself because he certainly won't.

Your relationship sounds a lot like mine used to be. Met when I was 17. He was 10yrs older than me. I was always expected to pay half despite being a teenager and a student. I ended up in a lot of debt that I’ve only recently got out of. He wasn’t anywhere near as bad as your partner - I didn’t get charged for lifts or anything like that.

But I do realise now (that I never did at the time) that he had a lot of control over me, financially and otherwise.

4yrs on I’m so much happier, I just wished I hadn’t spent 12yrs with him.

I think you hit the nail on the head, @ClockworkDisaster - the key thing is how the unfairness prevents you being happy. I am glad you have found more happiness now!

@KTheGrey thank you - I am too! I didn’t realise quite how unhappy I was at the time. Being at 6th form and uni and trying to be a financial equal as someone who had been in the workforce for 10yrs was impossible. It caused me so much stress to be worrying about money all the time and I ended up taking out more credit cards and loans to keep up. I had rent to pay as well on top of that whilst for a long time he was living rent free with his parents so had even more expendable money than if he had to rent or had a mortgage.

The further away I get from that time the more the age gap disgusts me too.

Thanks all this has been helpful. I've read through some of the earlier posts to remind myself what's going on. There have been a lot of helpful replies yesterday and all have hit the nail on the head. I think I am fearful of being alone and being alone for a few days might have confirmed that for me, so used to the comfort of him and my life and it feels really unnatural to go against him. Nothing has actually changed when I was at home, I felt firm in my decision but it's almost like being away is how I'll feel initially when I end things and it's scared me. I know I'll go home and feel as I did and I just have to get over my fear of what's going to happen. It's so much easier to stay in the short term and I think I am falling into that trap. I was honest with a friend about it last night and she confirmed all you said too and she said she'd be really sad if I decided to stay. I'm sorry if I sound like I'm full of crap, I'm just going through a bit of a rollercoaster of emotions.

@ClockworkDisaster sounds very similar to how I feel and having credit card debt racked up that I can't pay off before the next thing. Well done for having the courage to leave it and glad things are a lot better for you!

We have all been there. Please just remember that you won’t be alone forever - not suggesting for one minute you rush into anything but you really are stopping yourself from being truly happy by staying in this situation. Also, initially, yes it is hard being on your own. But it’s also amazing, there is such little pressure to conform to what somebody else wants, dates with friends, just being, learning to love who you are and friends and doing as you please most of all in your situation not being told what to spend your hard earned money on! Enjoy some freedom!

Please don't apologise to any of us, this is about you. No-one thinks you you are full of crap. You are navigating a very difficult situation, these things take time so please try and be kinder to yourself and don't worry about the expectations of anyone else. You will find the clarity you need when the time is right for you. I think you will be ok.

Well my earlier post while on holiday was definitely down to the fear of leaving more than anything else. There's been another issue in the house needing fixed and being added to the list of debt so we are due to have a conversation about finances tonight and I think I am just going to crack. I have wrote down all of what he is asking for me to pay for plus the debts I already have from the house and just going to bluntly ask him how in the hell he expects me to do this plus pay 2/3 of this mortgage which is also going to go up soon. On top of that I'm also now ill with covid, had to clean the entire house while unwell and have been given full time dog duty this week as I had my holiday and obviously have to make up for that even though I'm sick. So yes back to reality with a bang and wondering why on earth I even stupidly considered that I could stay here last week.

The more you talk about this the more the red flags are waving.

You and he are on different financial pages.

Think long and hard about a future with this man… would he support you in unemployment? Illness? Maternity leave?

You’re not a team… he’s happy to see you struggle. What does that tell you?

Oh OP.

Your friend is right. He doesn’t care for you. You need to love yourself more and get out of this situation.

Happy cracking op, crack it good, crack it irretrievably, tell him he’s a lazy entitled selfish fucker who never loved you, and only ever valued you for what he could get out of you. People don’t have to pay and work double merely to earn a place in a relationship and always be on probation. People don’t have to compensate for being ill. People don’t have to shut up about everything and pay double in order to be tolerated. If he tries to tell you you owe him tell him he’s full of crap, he’s been exploiting you since he met you and he’s drained you dry.