Does this sound financially fair?

[runningaway90]

Longwinded but hoping someone will read.. Just looking for advice as feeling a lot of financial stress at the moment and not sure how to handle the situation. Myself and DP bought an older house a few years ago and it ended up needing significantly more work than expected. DP has a large deposit partly from family gift and sale of previous home (his home and I paid 50% of mortgage for half the time he lived there). I had much lower deposit (about 20% of his) so was wiped out buying this house as contributed all of my savings/equity. I mentioned adjusting ownership % at the time to allow me to keep £5/10k back but he was not happy with this as he was already putting down much larger deposit.

When we moved in, we spent about £45k on various repairs within 6 months (boiler, kitchen, doors). I’ve been trying to save as much as possible to pay off everything we have done so far but still have around £5k to pay off my share on CC etc. He is constantly making digs that I need to save more anytime I rarely go out with a friend etc but I’m trying to save between £500-700 a month.

On top of this, I pay 2/3 mortgage payments to balance out his deposit which is further restricting my ability to save. There are still repairs urgently needing done ie. roof needs replaced. He is getting a lump sum inheritance and will upfront the roof but expects me to pay him back as soon as I can (before the above mentioned debt).

I feel like I am drowning in a never ending cycle of repairs on this house. I really want things to be fair but I feel like I can’t keep up and every month there is another thing he comes to me with that must get done. On top of it, he was the big driver to move here, I was much happier in previous new build we had bought but agreed to move as he was so unhappy there. I’d honestly rather downsize to take the pressure off and have my life back but there is no way he would move again and certainly not somewhere with lots of neighbours.

Am I being unreasonable to feel his expectations here are unfair? What can I do in this situation? I know I am an adult and got myself into this situation but struggling to figure out what to do and the pressure is making me so stressed.

Congratulations on your promotion OP.

Of course you’re going on holiday !🤣

Ugh it's been a day of it. He's been terrible to the dog, treats her walks like she is in a military camp and punishes her (extreme imo) if she misbehaves. I really have got to find a way to take her with me as I'll never forgive myself for leaving her to put up him. I just think she'd have a much better life with me but I can't figure a way out that means I can take her. Sorry just venting 😟getting closer to going everyday this is really my main sticking point.

Hi, I’m really glad you’re coming back to this thread, iv been thinking about you.
I’m sorry to hear your having to deal with this on top of everything else.

Have you got a friend or family you can leave dog with until your set up in your new place? Or There is such a thing as fosterers I know it exists for women leaving abuse situations which while I understand your not in physical danger I think you are in an abusive relationship so you may fit the criteria.

my advice would be when you leave just take the dog with you. It belongs to you both so why is it assumed that if you leave dog stays! Personally I think it will be much harder to get dog back if you leave without it than it will be to keep it once you have left with it.

have you thought about calling women’s aid just to talk through your situation including the dog and get some advice. You may not need anything from them but it might at least be helpful to have an expert go through your situation with you or tell you options you may not know about.
Potentially there are things they can help you with or refer you to. I know you probably won’t need a shelter etc but there are other things they can offer.

obviously I’m not an expert but hopefully something iv said helpful o someone else will be along who is!

Hmm. I would arrange for the dog to go to kennels or a foster carer while he is out and then claim she had run away.

Good that you are getting closer to leaving though. I second the idea of women's aid and looking into getting the dog fostered.

You are going to be OK you know.

Thanks both, I'll speak to womens aid tomorrow and see my options. I spoke to a friend who suggested I speak to a contact of hers too so I'll figure it out. Appreciate your replies here, I'm sure you can probably tell i just had a bit of a meltdown and things felt too much but I have calmed down a little now. Thanks again for all of the consistent support, so appreciated

Your very welcome @runningaway90

it would be weird if you were completely calm throughout this! To me that would be saying you weren’t feeling the seriousness of the process you having to go through.

thats great hopefully between both you’ll get an idea of what you need to put in place or some helpful information.

quick question or 2

who bought the dog ? does anyone have paperwork to prove who ' owns ' the dog, or maybe adopted her/him from a rescue ?
is she / he micro chipped - and in whose name ?
is she / he insured - who pays the insurance ?

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon it's complicated and I don't want to out myself too much - I've sent a PM with the details, sorry bit of an essay!

No problem, you can answer the questions to yourself :) as it may help you with decisions / thoughts / actions.

and yes i've read your message.

Stay strong @rurunningaway90 you'll get out of there soon

I like the idea of arranging for the dog to go into kennels, or to a friend who can keep him/her for a while, but arranging for them to pick the dog up while you're out for a walk. You could then say you let the dog off the lead and it ran off, you could even send him out to search for the dog. He'll doubtless come back and blame you, which would be the ideal time to throw a wobbly, and walk out. Job done!

Meanwhile, sending you a hug for strength, and courage.

whilst the suggestion of the dog getting ' lost ' is good, it just won't work - if the dog is micro chipped in his name then he can get the microchip company to mark the dog is ' lost ' on it's website.
lots of vets scan the dogs automatically when dogs go in for routine things and being ' lost ' would appear immediately.

changing the name of owner also is an issue on a microchip,
I adopted a cat from a work colleague, she had been caring for purrfect peter for a couple of years - turns out peter never was actually hers.
the microchip company attempts to make contact with the registered owner and allows one month for the owner to respond
luckily for me and Peter the registered owner never replied (or never read the emails.) and after 6 weeks his details were then registered to me.

Dammit, of course you're right, @OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon .

Well OP, if she's microchipped you will have to be either much more assertive or much more devious. Either "I am leaving and I want my dog as well as all my money," or pretend dog is too annoying, insist on "rehoming" her with a microchip transfer to a friend, and then collect her when you can.

@runningaway90 I know it’s all a process so just wanted to say I’m cheering you on from the sidelines, in whatever timeframe suits you.

how are things going?

@Apparentlystillchilled @ZebraD Hi both, thanks for checking in again, really appreciated! Things are going okay, I am still feeling pretty paralysed at the moment and he has been nice as pie the last week or so which makes it harder. My holiday is coming up soon and have really given myself that as the cut off point. I don't know why it feels so hard when I know there is no future. Mostly the dog but there is still something else holding me back, counselling is helping me every week so hopefully I'll have some positive news soon.

I’ll bet he is being nice because he can sense your distancing yourself. And of course…why would he want you to leave when he is getting so much from you. When you eventually go…the charm offensive will begin…you’ve got this though.

@ZebraD yes I'm sure you're right which I am wise to but somehow it still seems to have a bit of an effect. But I am also very aware this niceness is never going to last and there's still the original roof issue hanging over me which he definitely ain't getting a penny out of me 😂 thank you and you're right I do have this.. as staying is just not a long term option!

I think sometimes there is a ‘what if’ but you should t have to think what if because your what if should be the norm. You are waiting for something that won’t happen and when the realisation finally dawns is when you will just go. It’ll happen. Maybe your holiday will be the key….but def not a roof!!

Glad to hear that he's not getting a penny from you for the roof. You are definitely sounding much more assertive. It sounds like he is trying to hoover you back in with being nice and not pushing you about the roof money. When are you off on holiday?

does he know yet or realise you are not paying towards / for the roof ?

@KTheGrey 3 weeks time so not long away.

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon I have told him I can't afford the roof so he is aware of that and we haven't discussed any further but has said it needs done so he will be booking anyway.

You sound like you’re internal core is getting stronger every time you post.

your doing great @runningaway90

Congratulations on your promotion OP.

Here's to your new fun filled new life 🍾

Thanks both 😊 getting there slowly! Work is definitely giving me a nice confidence boost which is probably helping me see my worth too!