Does this sound financially fair?

[runningaway90]

Longwinded but hoping someone will read.. Just looking for advice as feeling a lot of financial stress at the moment and not sure how to handle the situation. Myself and DP bought an older house a few years ago and it ended up needing significantly more work than expected. DP has a large deposit partly from family gift and sale of previous home (his home and I paid 50% of mortgage for half the time he lived there). I had much lower deposit (about 20% of his) so was wiped out buying this house as contributed all of my savings/equity. I mentioned adjusting ownership % at the time to allow me to keep £5/10k back but he was not happy with this as he was already putting down much larger deposit.

When we moved in, we spent about £45k on various repairs within 6 months (boiler, kitchen, doors). I’ve been trying to save as much as possible to pay off everything we have done so far but still have around £5k to pay off my share on CC etc. He is constantly making digs that I need to save more anytime I rarely go out with a friend etc but I’m trying to save between £500-700 a month.

On top of this, I pay 2/3 mortgage payments to balance out his deposit which is further restricting my ability to save. There are still repairs urgently needing done ie. roof needs replaced. He is getting a lump sum inheritance and will upfront the roof but expects me to pay him back as soon as I can (before the above mentioned debt).

I feel like I am drowning in a never ending cycle of repairs on this house. I really want things to be fair but I feel like I can’t keep up and every month there is another thing he comes to me with that must get done. On top of it, he was the big driver to move here, I was much happier in previous new build we had bought but agreed to move as he was so unhappy there. I’d honestly rather downsize to take the pressure off and have my life back but there is no way he would move again and certainly not somewhere with lots of neighbours.

Am I being unreasonable to feel his expectations here are unfair? What can I do in this situation? I know I am an adult and got myself into this situation but struggling to figure out what to do and the pressure is making me so stressed.

I know very little about breaking up living together relationships, but if you leave, doesn't he have to buy you out or sell up? How are you actually supposed to negotiate separating money when your money is pooled? Do you get a solicitor to prepare an audit trail and put together kind of a reasonable offer document?

I remember you were going to get the house valued. Is that the next step?

I do hope you have a separate bank account and are stashing some cash in there.

OP, I hope you enjoy this article from The Sunday Times:
‘My husband earns more than me — but insists we split holiday costs’
This week Kathy Lette tackles a parsimonious partner...

She doesn't mince her words; she's an outspoken Australian and wit:
Does this ring a bell?

Q. My husband earns about £70,000 a year, three times as much as I do, yet insists that we go 50-50 to pay for our annual family holiday with our two kids, aged six and nine. We usually go camping in the south of France and it’s just about affordable, but I’m now at my wits’ end because he is suggesting we skip that this summer so I can ‘“save up” for a trip to Disney World in Florida next year. I’m desperate for a break this year and I don’t think I will ever be able to afford half the cost of a Disney trip — about £6,000 for my share. What should I do?

• • Her reply is delicious: [In part]: "A. It’s time to tell your resident Scrooge a few home truths. Your husband is keen on splitting holiday costs, but I doubt that he’s splitting the domestic load. The enlistment of labour on a subsistence basis is forbidden in civilised countries, except in one state — the holy state of matrimony.

It’s also time to point out to your spouse that a woman’s work is never done … not by men, anyway. ...

But even more annoying than a husband who doesn’t do his share domestically is one who then demands that his wife take on half the financial burdens. I suggest that you send your parsimonious spouse a receipt each month for all the extra work you’ve undertaken. ...

Your partner’s attitude is not just mean-spirited, but also disrespectful. Husbands-to-be should be made to sign emotional prenups, because it’s love that a woman is really banking on … and it’s time that your stingy spouse made a deposit, with interest! " ...

https://www.thetimes.co.uk/travel/advice/kathy-lette-husband-earns-three-times-more-than-me-but-insists-on-splitting-holiday-costs-pnkl5whwd

This sounds very confusing. When me and DH bought our first house, I put down the deposit. We got a Declaration of trust that protects my 30%. After this, everything is equally ours, however much we are both paying. I would get some legal and financial advise ASAP.

@Abitofalark ha thank you I did enjoy this! Particularly this bit:

But even more annoying than a husband who doesn’t do his share domestically is one who then demands that his wife take on half the financial burdens. I suggest that you send your parsimonious spouse a receipt each month for all the extra work you’ve undertaken....

I'll try to feel a bit less guilty when it comes to extracting my fair share out of this house!

Hope you are doing well, OP, and planning something nice for the long weekend.

Op, you will only get max 50% of the house. So if you don’t feel comfortable before telling him you’re leaving, the minute you do tell him you need to change your mortgage contribution to 50%, and in writing tell him that 1. He needs to up his contribution to 50%, and 2. You have x contributed extra to the mortgage eg you have paid £100 extra for 12 months, so you will be including 1200 in your ringfenced share before a split of the equity. You know he would sooner be burnt alive at the stake than relinquish a penny of his deposit so you need to put your claim for what’s fair equally strongly. And lowering your contribution gives you that cash towards costs and a rental.

How is it going?

Sorry for the slow reply, thanks for checking in with me. I've been busy with work and hopefully finding out about that promotion this week so that's been the main thing occupying my brain. I also booked a holiday so some positive things coming up. Not much else to update on really. Don't want to give loads of details as I am conscious of outing myself IRL. Haven't done anything relationship wise but all my plans for the next 2 months don't involve him so feel I am steadily distancing myself. Keeping up therapy every week too which has been a massive help. Hope you guys are doing well and enjoyed the long weekend here in the UK.

Good luck on your promotion.

well done for keeping up the therapy.

ob I’m not asking you the details but are you finding that you can use it as a space to explore next steps relationship wise?

enjoy your holiday

@Ginkypig thank you! Yes it's really helping me with that as we are working through my barriers to leaving and whatever fear is stopping me from ending things. Main focus for me is realising that there is no future and feeling confident in my decision, ending this relationship is really all we have been discussing recently.

Ah that’s great…really positive…it will build your confidence no end. Enjoy yourself and good luck with the promotion…let us know.
what is his reaction to this?

Thanks for the update OP. It's good to hear that you feel the counselling is helping you move forward in your preparations. Great news about the promotion. I hope that the planned holiday helps you to gain the strength you need moving forward. Take care of yourself.

@runningaway90 thats great you’re doing so well. You are putting in the very important ground work so that this actually works out. It’s a great use of your therapy time just now I think.

just know when thing are feeling tough or you are wobbly that even though the thread has quietened down there are a lot of us that are thinking about you and sending you strength.

Well I got the promotion so feeling a nice boost of confidence. This was followed by absolutely no congratulations and him asking where my extra cash is going each month and "if it would be going on holidays or to pay him back".... For the roof he hasn't paid for yet!

So I can very much see my future, feeling so motivated to get out. To me it almost seems bad leaving, like I won't "last" the weekend but feeling almost frantic in terms of having to leave and really really wondering why I am here. *typo

' or to pay him back '

Wow !!! that just sums it all up in 5 words, doesn't it.

You initially posted on 21st Feb, it's on page 17 now.

Hopefully these 5 words will spur you on out of there, and he really has shown you who and what he is.

Congratulations on the promotion! Great news.

He is not growing more generous spirited, is he? Really showing you how entitled he feels to your earnings there.

This is great imo. sorry he said it but it really does cement things for you doesn’t it!

your right this is your future with him.

no support or pleasure at seeing you succeed only ever seeing you as something he can gain from. No care just an object he can cypher from.

well can I just say a big congratulations @runningaway90 im not surprised at all to hear you got it. You come across very well on this thread and I can imagine others feel the same in real life too.

im so looking forward to hearing the updates one day about how great things are for you after your away and in your new life. I just know things are going to work out for you!

Congratulations on the promotion!

Of course he had to use that information to make it all about himself! I don't think I'd share anything more personal and just stick to the facts of the split and splitting the house.

Thanks all 😊 he really has done me a favour acting like this!

Awww yay!! Congratulations!!
I hope you told him it would be spent on holidays!!! Ha ha !!

I am rooting for you!
I too hope you told him the money is going towards a holiday 😂

@runningaway90 I’ve never felt prouder of a stranger on the internet. Go you 💪🏼

Tell him to shove the roof up his arse! He’ll never get roof money from you because there will be no new roof. Tell him to fuck off, house is going on the market and you are going to skip off into the sunset with your promotion. Him not congratulating you on the new job and only thinking about how the extra money could benefit him…….. I hope could be the final mail in the coffin for you. He has shown again that he does not love and care for you like a partner should.

Thanks all! I feel like I have a group of cheerleaders here, can't let you all down now 😂

Bless you OP, I'm sorry that he said what he did rather than congratulating you and offering to take you out to celebrate. However, as we all know, he just doesn't have what it takes to be a good and loving partner to you, and is only concerned with him and what he considers to be HIS money. I'm therefore really pleased that this appears to have been the final nail in the coffin as far as you're concerned, and look forward to hearing eventually that you haven't been back on MN for a little while due to being so busy moving out. Wishing you courage and the very best of luck in the new job.

I’m belatedly catching but just wanted to say huge congratulations on your promotion and on sticking with therapy and your decision to make a change.