Does this sound financially fair?

[runningaway90]

Longwinded but hoping someone will read.. Just looking for advice as feeling a lot of financial stress at the moment and not sure how to handle the situation. Myself and DP bought an older house a few years ago and it ended up needing significantly more work than expected. DP has a large deposit partly from family gift and sale of previous home (his home and I paid 50% of mortgage for half the time he lived there). I had much lower deposit (about 20% of his) so was wiped out buying this house as contributed all of my savings/equity. I mentioned adjusting ownership % at the time to allow me to keep £5/10k back but he was not happy with this as he was already putting down much larger deposit.

When we moved in, we spent about £45k on various repairs within 6 months (boiler, kitchen, doors). I’ve been trying to save as much as possible to pay off everything we have done so far but still have around £5k to pay off my share on CC etc. He is constantly making digs that I need to save more anytime I rarely go out with a friend etc but I’m trying to save between £500-700 a month.

On top of this, I pay 2/3 mortgage payments to balance out his deposit which is further restricting my ability to save. There are still repairs urgently needing done ie. roof needs replaced. He is getting a lump sum inheritance and will upfront the roof but expects me to pay him back as soon as I can (before the above mentioned debt).

I feel like I am drowning in a never ending cycle of repairs on this house. I really want things to be fair but I feel like I can’t keep up and every month there is another thing he comes to me with that must get done. On top of it, he was the big driver to move here, I was much happier in previous new build we had bought but agreed to move as he was so unhappy there. I’d honestly rather downsize to take the pressure off and have my life back but there is no way he would move again and certainly not somewhere with lots of neighbours.

Am I being unreasonable to feel his expectations here are unfair? What can I do in this situation? I know I am an adult and got myself into this situation but struggling to figure out what to do and the pressure is making me so stressed.

Yeah that’s bollocks.

He paid £15k towards the house. If you give him 5k then net he has spent £10k on the house and you have spent £5k. You would then pay another £5k and that would be equal.

My personal thought is what kind of person inherits money but wants to ring fence it and not share it with their life partner. I’d get writing something up to say he put in a bigger deposit by x so gets that money back before you split the house proceeds if you were to break up but otherwise it just seems really mean.

You will get there OP. Just keep reminding yourself of your value and the fact he clearly doesn’t see it.

Objectively if you are already covering the finances being “equal” by paying 2/3 of the mortgage then the household chores etc are totally separate. In that case you are doing close to 100%. If he had needed to pay someone to do his half at £15-18 an hour (typical cleaner rates) how much would he owe you by now for covering that?

So long as you stay living with him you will get doubts about yourself. It’s the result of him gaslighting you and it is his intention.
He is purposely trying to confuse you on finances so you end up paying more and he gets to line his pockets.

I think you just need to get out. You say the dog is one of the reason you’re staying.

Can you take the dog with you ( no negotiating with him, just go with the dog when he’s out) ?

Maybe even get someone to look after the dog for you til you get yourself sorted ?

Guaranteed that if you move out you’ll be able to think more clearly and you’ll see the wood from the trees !

Very good idea to just move out. Just find somewhere nice and go there when he's out at work. Take the dog with you. But finding somewhere nice to live would be a great way to start.

What type of dog do you have ? toy/small/medium etc. if you don't want to identify yourself by saying it's breed.

I agree with others it’s rip the bandaid off time. Ask yourself this question: If not now, the when?

It sounds like it fees daunting. Like there is a lot to sort out and a lot you don’t know about what life will be like for you once you leave.

What if you don’t try to answer the long term stuff just now, and just focus on what you need to do to leave.

What’s the absolute minimum you need to do to leave. Not the minimum to have untangled all the finances. But just the minimum to move out of the house for, say, a week?

If your when is, “when I am feeing stronger”. Then ask: Do you believe you will get up the courage to leave and have that conversation while still living in that house? If not then there is no real “when” there that is better than now

If there are more practical things: when I have somewhere to stay, when I have someone to look after the dog, then you can make a plan for those things

I think you need to find somewhere temporary to live - you and the dog - so you can get out and get away from
how he talks you down, gaslights you and damages your self-esteem. It is going to be hard to go through with things while he can still do that everyday

You’ve said you could go to your parents but couldn’t take the dog. It sounds like not wanting to abandon the dog is part of what’s stopping you.

I wonder who could take the dog? Do you have any friends or family who would look after her for you for a few weeks? Is there a local dog sitter or kennels? Just anything to get you both out of that house

Good luck OP. We are all rooting for you

Yes this. Just take the dog. Even if he or she has to stay are your parents or a friend.

If you were out of the house I think that you would be able to think more clearly about the whole situation. Can you get somebody to help you finding and moving into a new place, even if it's temporary, so you can focus on sorting your head out without him in your ear all the time?

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon large breed hence the problem with taking her with me as she is quite overbearing (still young) and seems like most rentals won't take a big dog.

I appreciate all the responses, I really do. I feel a bit overwhelmed but I am definitely going to do it. I'd love to have a rental in place but I just don't think I can afford it as most places would be at least £1k a month with bills (and then whether they'll take the dog or not is another issue) so I don't think I could manage with still paying this mortgage.

I really think I need to stick out staying here a little while and just being strong until I can financially be free and also have a good chance of taking the dog. If I left asap and was still paying, I'd have to leave her. I know there are other options but I feel that once I actually tell him it's over, I'll stick to my guns. And I can spend my weekends at friends etc rather than fully moving out. I'm sure there could be better ways to do it but thats what feels the most manageable for me. Thanks again as these responses are helping me realise I can really do this. I have a deadline in my head of 3 weeks time as I have a job interview for promotion and don't want to hinder that by being (more) unstable from this situation (hopefully not completed outed myself to anyone IRL!).

aw I am sorry about the size of dog, if she had been Pug size etc. I could have offered to help until you were sorted, however I already have 4 dogs and the back seat in my car is pretty full.

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon Oh no I'd never ask that but appreciate the thought so much, the lengths you are willing to go to help a stranger. Feels so undeserved but very much appreciate it 💐

You didn't / haven't asked anywhere in your whole thread, and you probably would not have accepted if I had been able to offer ( perfect stranger on internet having your dog, not knowing me from adam - sort of thing :)

please don't feel undeserved, to me it's all part of ' hand holding ' and you deserve it as much as anyone else in your situation.

But if you leave you only need to pay half the mortgage right?

What does your solicitor say?

You’ve been overpaying your contribution on the mortgage for a while now.

You’d still be entitled to half the house.

Could you afford to pay for the flat and half the mortgage (rather than the two thirds you’ve been paying?)

She's not leaving.
She's probably still doing all his washing and cooking as well.

@Mookie81 thanks for the judgement.

Ignore anyone judging you. It took me more years than it should have done to leave someone who was financially, emotionally and occasionally physically abusive. Get your ducks in a row first and do it when you can. A three week deadline sounds good with the other stuff going on.

Positive story though: I’m now years in to a relationship with a wonderful man and I’m so, so happy. That’s out there waiting for you too.

@runningaway90 OP you are strong and capable and you have seen him for who he really is. It’s difficult leaving abusive relationships- it took me far longer to leave than it should* have, when I was in one. You’re dealing with a lot of information and this is a high stakes situation. Of course you’re not just going to up and leave.

the future will be much brighter.

*editing to say that I’ve just realised how I spoke to myself there…..

Just ignore the judgers, OP.
Obviously never experienced abuse and can’t comprehend how it affects a person.

A good plan is as you’ve said, concentrate on the new job interview for now.
Try to stay strong against his psychological tactics and as it’s important to you, focus on escaping with the dog when the time comes.

Do your research for what rentals are available that will take a large dog.
What kennels are in the area , their fees and maybe contact them and explain your situation.

When you do end it with him, things will probably be worse if you stay living with him. So be prepared for that and don’t mention you want the dog because he will use that against you and he will use it to keep you there.

Ideally, when you end it, you should have a little plan B already organised and be ready to go.

A little secret plan in your head is what you need and it sounds like you’re already working on it.

Just a thought as well, that there are animal rescues who may arrange fostering for the dog until you’re more sorted. Just ask around.

I don't think comments like this are helpful in any way. we are trying to support the OP in this thread.

OP the vast majority of us are NOT judging you. I know I gave you some pretty bluntly worded advice but I believe in you. you can 100% do it.

Thanks all, I know I haven't responded directly to many of the recent responses but I do really appreciate them and they are all helping me to get my head back on track and work out practicalities.

@therealcookiemonster thank you and I actually very much appreciate your bluntly worded advice as I think that's what is needed now when I doubt myself as if I keep pushing it down the line and wait for some miraculous moment that I am ready or he crosses my line(for the millionth time) then I'll still be sat here moaning in 10 years time.

Ultimately it has taken this thread to realise he is controlling but if I think back I have known in my gut that things haven't been right for years and could list countless examples of pretty terrible things he has done that I have put up with. So enough is enough, I need some tough words I think as I will really have no-one to blame if I stay much longer knowing what I do now.

no doubt once you leave him and look back it will become clearer and clearer how awful he is.

@runningaway90
OP, look for “built to rent” landlords - they allow pets and the size of the dog won’t matter. I live in one of these (I have a cat) and you should see the size of some of the dogs my neighbours have.

if you’re in London, DM me and I can give you more details with specific areas where these BtR developments exist.

some of the landlords you can look up:

Folio - I’m with them, they’ve been really good to us. They have developments in London areas and Colchester, I think.

L&Q private renting

Get Living

Fizzy

google “pet friendly rentals” or similar as there are others, I can’t remember their names.

also, you can filter for “pets allowed” on Zoopla and Open Rent.

Most landlords will allow pets these days and can’t “unreasonably” refuse a request to have a pet at a property. Speak to some local letting agents and you might be surprised at your options.