Does this sound financially fair?

[runningaway90]

Longwinded but hoping someone will read.. Just looking for advice as feeling a lot of financial stress at the moment and not sure how to handle the situation. Myself and DP bought an older house a few years ago and it ended up needing significantly more work than expected. DP has a large deposit partly from family gift and sale of previous home (his home and I paid 50% of mortgage for half the time he lived there). I had much lower deposit (about 20% of his) so was wiped out buying this house as contributed all of my savings/equity. I mentioned adjusting ownership % at the time to allow me to keep £5/10k back but he was not happy with this as he was already putting down much larger deposit.

When we moved in, we spent about £45k on various repairs within 6 months (boiler, kitchen, doors). I’ve been trying to save as much as possible to pay off everything we have done so far but still have around £5k to pay off my share on CC etc. He is constantly making digs that I need to save more anytime I rarely go out with a friend etc but I’m trying to save between £500-700 a month.

On top of this, I pay 2/3 mortgage payments to balance out his deposit which is further restricting my ability to save. There are still repairs urgently needing done ie. roof needs replaced. He is getting a lump sum inheritance and will upfront the roof but expects me to pay him back as soon as I can (before the above mentioned debt).

I feel like I am drowning in a never ending cycle of repairs on this house. I really want things to be fair but I feel like I can’t keep up and every month there is another thing he comes to me with that must get done. On top of it, he was the big driver to move here, I was much happier in previous new build we had bought but agreed to move as he was so unhappy there. I’d honestly rather downsize to take the pressure off and have my life back but there is no way he would move again and certainly not somewhere with lots of neighbours.

Am I being unreasonable to feel his expectations here are unfair? What can I do in this situation? I know I am an adult and got myself into this situation but struggling to figure out what to do and the pressure is making me so stressed.

I think something will just happen at some point that triggers you to call it a day. And when it happens you will just be fine as you have done all of this preparation and without realising you will be healing a little too. You will get there if even you can’t see the way out just yet. Have faith. Make some exciting plans for yourself - new adventures, just things to really enjoy and lift your spirits. You’ll get there.

Thanks all really appreciate it ❤️ I thought a lot of people on here expect you to leave as soon as you realise things aren't right so thanks for the understanding and support! You're all right, I will get there it's just taking a bit of time!

I think that’s the perception but actually most who have any real experience know that as long as you are physically safe or not in some other danger that it takes time to emotionally prepare but also to do the work in the background with financial stuff etc.

i will caveat that with it is a balance because the emotional choice to leave gives you a boost of energy but staying in the situation after that decision sucks you’re energy because you’re still dealing with all the crap and the impetus to actually go through with it can start to fade.
you have to remember that when it starts to feel actually it would be easier not to rock the boat, maybe things aren’t as bad as I thought.

i think the fact you have a therapist you have a good working relationship with is helpful, maybe try to actively explore the logistics of you leaving and work through your emotional feelings around leaving to find out why your not ready in that safe space. Getting it out and verbalising some of it might help to sort some of the tangle for you. You might feel clearer about the next steps.

dont be hard on yourself you’re doing great.

Hi OP. Just wanted to add mine to all the voices of support on this thread. You are doing amazingly well, and please don't feel bad that you haven't made the move yet. Just think about the progress you have made since starting your thread, when you were just starting to question your financial situation. In just a couple of months you have taken huge practical steps forward - you have seen your counsellor and a solicitor, you have started to open up to friends and go out more. You have started to see the bigger picture, noticing all the other ways you have been manipulated and controlled and treated unfairly by a man who is supposed to love you, care for you and want the best for you. Just by posting on here you are finding your voice which is amazing in itself. You are in the driving seat, so take whatever time you need to make the decisions you need to. Lots of mumsnetters on here will have been through this and will have really good practical advice. Listen to that if it helps but also learn to start trusting your own instincts. My bit of advice is this - as you will likely have a fight on your hands over the finances, you now need to become your own financial expert. He has spent years bamboozling you with the figures, so you need to take back control and arm yourself with all the information that proves how much you have put in. You have already started this with your spreadsheet but you need to go bigger. If you can't access all of your banking history online, then go to your bank and tell them that you feel you have been the victim of financial control and you need all of your past bank statements. They may have staff who specialise in helping customers in this situation. Request as many years of bank statements as they hold, and make sure you arrange to collect these, not have them sent to the house. And start to go through them with a fine tooth comb making a note of every little thing. You also need to look at your mortgage history and get all of the figures. Make sure you understand what proportion of interest and capital your contributions have been paying towards. Online calculators might help with this, if it isn't clear then seek advice. Knowledge is power and I think this whole exercise will give you more confidence when facing negotiations with your ex. Plus it will also help remind you of how imbalanced things have been for the whole of your relationship, which will be useful when you are having a wobble about making the break. Sending you loads of luck and support.

Nice to hear from you and hoping you are not getting down on yourself and apologising for existing. I don't always have advice to offer or know what to say. I haven't been in that sort of situation but like everyone else, have known dilemmas and difficulties and having no clear way through. No pressure from me on what you do but am thinking of you and hope you stay close to family and friends whatever else happens. And as always people are here for you.

Things like that, and this
He even charges me petrol money if he has to drive like 1 hour to pick me up and if I do the same back I'm told I'm stingy or that he does more of the driving
Nobody charges their partner petrol money.
Sorry, he's horribly stingy and I'm afraid he's screwing you over about this house. This is no way to live. You don't control how you spend your own earnings, he makes you feel guilty about spending anything, he considers you have a financial debt to him for your joint home. A house you don't even like.

It sounds like a joyless relationship in which he focuses on making sure you pay for as much as possible. Plus he's making all the decisions about money and the house. I hope you're rethinking your plans to marry this miserable Scrooge. Personally I'd get legal advice, leave him and start living.

I haven't RTFT but have you posted about this before? There was another thread about a house in a remote location that the OP didn't really want to live in and that was eating up her money.

Sorry, I didn't notice the date or see your latest updates. Hope you're ok 💐

Thanks again for all the supportive messages again, I can't get over how kind a bunch of strangers have been to me and keep coming back to listen and give me advice with my struggles. Plenty people have it worse than me I am sure but I really appreciate it all while I am going through a difficult time!

Thanks@FictionalCharacter all so true! The thing is I am now that partner who charges him for petrol money as I am now so stingy back. Hadn't posted about before this no.

Not that I want to end up reckless with money when I eventually have this freedom and control of my own finances but god I can't wait to go on a few holidays and spend some money on myself!!

' I can't wait to go on a few holidays and spend some money on myself!! '

that's it ! that's the way to think - to look forward, and make plans and enjoy making these plans.

where first ?

You'll do it when you're good and ready, you will know when. I remember my "that's it" moment!! Good luck.

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon I have a list going, the small things I am doing to keep the motivation. Lisbon first as never been, then hopefully somewhere a bit further maybe Japan. I used to solo travel a bit in my 20s so I have no doubt's I would be off again myself if no-one else wanted to join!

So much to unpick here

If you separate and you take your respective deposits back you shouldn't be paying more than 50% of the current mortgage.

You've bought a house you can't afford to renovate

It's all very well him saying you need to contribute towards the repairs when he can easily afford himself

I think you need to sit down and discuss with him, sounds like you need out and to move to a house you can afford. Life is bad enough without any spare cash and a partner who bagers you to spend money you don't have

I'm so glad that you are progressing well. solo travel is the best, you will have a great time and it will help you heal.

there are great solo travel for women groups on fb that you can join. start getting some inspiration. hopefully it will motivate you to leave even more!

I had a colleague who did Japan by herself in her 50's
and my daughter has a friend who plans to go next year as a belated honeymoon .

Was thinking of you @runningaway90 and hope you’re doing ok

@Apparentlystillchilled thanks appreciate that. Still here and feeling confused but just keeping going with my own hobbies and work.

Had a bit of an argument over the weekend about the roof situation and I have walked away feeling in the wrong. Obviously I haven't ended things so the same arguments as before are still ongoing and making me feel a bit crazy. He thinks I am ungrateful as I don't seem to appreciate him paying the roof but it's the holding money over me that is the issue.

Anyway I am not sure why I am hung up on these arguments now as I thought I was on my way out but just feels a bit impossible right now and keep having doubts about whether I'm making things seem a lot worse than they are / if I am the problem and maybe if I fixed myself things would be good. My counsellor is helping but just not sure what it is going to finally get me to do it at the moment, mentally I think I've taken a few steps back the last few weeks. Not the positive update I'm sure everyone would like to see🙁

Doubt in these situations is normal. As is wanting to hang on the status quo. Ultimately it's a complicated decision and only one that you can make as you are living your reality and you know if there are some pluses that make up for the minuses. That said, why on earth do you need fixing? You feel the way you do because of how he is and has treated you over many years. The guild you feel is a byproduct of that gaslighting, I'm quite sure. I will reiterate that your relationship, certainly in terms of control and money, is very atypical. Don't feel bad that you dont have any big news to spill but certainly don't start thinking that you're the problem.

@runningaway90 can I be honest with you OP? the longer you leave it, the harder it will be. you just need to pull the plug. I kind of feel you have already left it longer than you should.

I appreciate its hard, I really do. but this man is slowly eroding your self confidence and self worth. the financial entanglements will only get more convoluted... you just need to brace yourself and take that step

no judgement at all by the way. I understand it is not easy

In answer to your questions -
Are you making things seem a lot worse than they are? No, it is him.
Are you the problem? No - again him.
Maybe if you fixed yourself things would be good? No - you don't need to be fixed. You know in your gut that the way he treats you isn't right, it isn't fair, it is very controlling and it doesn't make you happy.
You can only go at your own pace, but if you are having doubts maybe do a pros and cons list. What are the positives in carrying on like this, effectively in limbo, versus all the negatives. It might help you to think about what you are holding on to or scared of letting go. Also read back some of the replies from when you first posted. In the meantime, try not to engage with him over the details, look after yourself, live your life and continue doing the things that make you happy. And do not beat yourself up, it has taken years to get to this point, only you can decide if and when you have had enough.

If you are feeling worse then perhaps there is an element of the longer you leave it the worse you feel? So maybe pulling the plug might offer you the relief you are looking for.
you could perhaps approach the subject of separating but living together until you have organised and agreed finances. Perhaps that might get the ball rolling without it being quite so traumatic so to speak. Maybe you will both feel relief?

What do you dream of, OP? Is it to feel good about yourself, have a happy relationship, affordable house, maybe a dog, maybe children? What do you want? Make a list and then start trying to get the things you want. Life is wretchedly brief to spend it wretched.

Thanks all I really really appreciate the support and advice you all keep giving me. I can see the cycle repeating with his gaslighting etc and I'm feeling unsure of myself. My self esteem is pretty low so I think I am just having a bit of a wobble and there are obviously parts of my life I will miss which is making it hard (although mostly the dog other than anything else). I just need to rip the band aid off I think as I know I have no happy future here as I can't ignore all the controlling aspects now. I probably have left it too long as some of you say and have talked myself out of it, telling myself things aren't too bad but I'm not happy and still stuck in limbo. I'll get there, hopefully soon 🙏

This sounds like a right mess. I would consult a solicitor and try and work out what the financial position actually is and how you can both, fairly protect your own financial interests. No more oh just pay this, or give me this. Having said that I would probably leave him whilst I had the chance. I spent years with a bloke who never bought his own children shoes because "oh, I put petrol in the car seven years ago" nonsense. He was brilliant at financials when they worked for him.

OP having seen other people in similar situations, I can tell you if you "wait to get there", you will never get there. your brain won't magically give you the strength to walk away. you need to proactively do things to create the right space for you to rip the bandaid off.
you have already spoken with the Solicitor. get talking to them again and ensure the finances are crystal clear.
in the meantime, get yourself away from him and out of that house. maybe go on a trip or stay with friends/family? tell him it's a work trip.also start going to some hobbies etc. to reinforce your social network outside the home. this will help with self confidence.
confide in a friend who can support you in making that jump.
keep talking to your therapist.

I am not trying to make you feel bad. I had to give this exact same advice to a dear friend of mine who is thankfully a lot happier now. if you wait for yourself to be ready/the right moment, you will end up being there for either your whole life with kids added to this toxic stew or until he has exploited you to the max and then kicks you out for a younger/more exploitable version.

Don't wait op as you never will get the chance or timing right to go and then you'll end up trapped forever. My advice would be to be willing to lose out a bit on it for long term gain of freedom. His behaviour will get worse as time goes on and he will get more controlling. You could start off conversation where you tell him it's making you feel resentful enough to split to get courage to continue that path