Does this sound financially fair?

[runningaway90]

Longwinded but hoping someone will read.. Just looking for advice as feeling a lot of financial stress at the moment and not sure how to handle the situation. Myself and DP bought an older house a few years ago and it ended up needing significantly more work than expected. DP has a large deposit partly from family gift and sale of previous home (his home and I paid 50% of mortgage for half the time he lived there). I had much lower deposit (about 20% of his) so was wiped out buying this house as contributed all of my savings/equity. I mentioned adjusting ownership % at the time to allow me to keep £5/10k back but he was not happy with this as he was already putting down much larger deposit.

When we moved in, we spent about £45k on various repairs within 6 months (boiler, kitchen, doors). I’ve been trying to save as much as possible to pay off everything we have done so far but still have around £5k to pay off my share on CC etc. He is constantly making digs that I need to save more anytime I rarely go out with a friend etc but I’m trying to save between £500-700 a month.

On top of this, I pay 2/3 mortgage payments to balance out his deposit which is further restricting my ability to save. There are still repairs urgently needing done ie. roof needs replaced. He is getting a lump sum inheritance and will upfront the roof but expects me to pay him back as soon as I can (before the above mentioned debt).

I feel like I am drowning in a never ending cycle of repairs on this house. I really want things to be fair but I feel like I can’t keep up and every month there is another thing he comes to me with that must get done. On top of it, he was the big driver to move here, I was much happier in previous new build we had bought but agreed to move as he was so unhappy there. I’d honestly rather downsize to take the pressure off and have my life back but there is no way he would move again and certainly not somewhere with lots of neighbours.

Am I being unreasonable to feel his expectations here are unfair? What can I do in this situation? I know I am an adult and got myself into this situation but struggling to figure out what to do and the pressure is making me so stressed.

Agree with this.
Don’t ask him or negotiate, just do it ( when the time comes to leave) Negotiating with him will ALWAYS make you feel like you’re being unreasonable.
I wouldn’t mention the dog again. He’s using her as a bargaining chip.

Its unlikely he’ll do anything to get the dog back as he’ll be so engrossed in saving his property , having to pay lawyers etc and him being a tight arse the dog will be low priority.

My experience of people like him ( my ex) is they rely on your weakness to exert more control.

Quietly get your ducks in a row as you’re doing then leave when he’s out and take dog with you. If you can plan it so someone can help you, all the better
Life will be so much better without him.

@Concannon88 thank you, I'm definitely tempted to take the dog as I'm pretty sure when the reality of having to do everything for her sets in her won't want her. I think it'll just be used as another way to control me.

I think I will have to continue staying here in spare room until the house is sorted as financially couldn't afford to pay here and another place. Plus if I leave he will drag his feet around buying me out as I'll be paying half to not even live there. So I guess the dog can be sorted out a bit further down the line.

I think I'm reaching the point of ending things pretty soon anyway as I can barely stand being around him now and his other daily bad habits are throwing me over the edge.

Your safety is a priority.

How do you think he will react when you tell him it’s over ?

Could you stay with family for a while ? Keep paying mortgage and sort it all while away from him ?

And you’d save on council tax, utilities and generally paying for him.

Honestly, I think he will shut down and give me the silent treatment. Of course if he became angry or violent I'd be out of there in a shot. I could stay with family yes but would definitely have to leave the dog in that case. Just not sure what is best as he will have no incentive to get the house sorted if I leave whereas I would want it sorted asap but I obviously couldn't stay if it wasn't safe so depends on how he is acting.

OP honestly it sounds like you will be much happier once this is all behind you. I know it's scary pulling the trigger on these situations but this is your life and you deserve your financial independence and happiness.

@jeaux90 thanks I am starting to really believe the same now my eyes have been opened the last 6+ weeks or so.

Even if he weren't being financial controlling or emotionally abusive I've realised I've got several other individual reasons that I'm sure many people would be out of here for! I don't know, maybe he is just giving me the ick now as I'm fed up with how he's been treating me but it is definitely helping me to imagine a brighter future without him.

You're doing amazingly. Might have mentioned it before- my dad was financially and emotionally abusive to my mum but she stayed for more than 30 years! She could have had so much more. Now she's a pensioner and struggling financially and mentally, with no life partner or companionship. It makes me so sad.

I honestly thought I'd die alone after seeing their relationship. But I met DH and he completely opened my eyes to the fact that there are incredible men in this world who are true partners. Men who don't count pennies or ever have their hand your pocket. They do their share of housework, support you emotionally, and make you feel loved and cherished.

I'm so hopeful for you OP. There is a great guy out there and I'm sure you'll find him. Getting rid of this abusive arsehole is the first step.

@RiderofRohan sorry to hear that and I'm so glad you have a great relationship yourself. I've actually been reading over the 'good partner's' threads on here too and I think that's giving me a bit of fire in my belly. If other people have a respectful and kind partner then there is no reason I don't deserve that too.
I don't wish any hate or badness on my partner but I am just so so worried about ending up as you describe your mum that I just don't think I can or will stay. Still taking baby steps but feeling strong in my decision right now (which of course is partly thanks to all of you!)

100%. I think so many of us grow up seeing bad examples of relationships, we feel there is nothing better out there. My mum never had a good male role model in her life and I don't think she realised she was worth more until it was too late.

I'm very excited for you and your future. You're young with so much time ahead of you. The next few weeks and months will be the toughest of course, but you'll get through it and then there will be so many possibilities.

@RiderofRohan definitely. I think of even my families relationships, none of them are particularly happy and most of my friends relationships aren't great either so I have a poor benchmark. When I think back to dating 8 years ago and when I met him, I literally used to let guys walk all over me and never expected anything better because it's all I'd known. Ultimately that's why I'm in this situation. I think the counselling is obviously giving me a bit of self worth too and I've been setting boundaries with other people not just DP so I'm finally believing I deserve more respect. Thanks again all of your replies are really helping 😊

@runningaway90 I’m so impressed by the progress you’ve made over the course of this thread and with your counsellor. I just wanted to add to the other posts saying you absolutely deserve love and respect and care in your relationship. And I totally understand that change is hard but the brilliant thing is that there is a way out of this. It might not be fun but the freedom and joy and happiness that lies ahead will be so worth it! Think of your future self, 12 months, 2 years ahead and know that she is cheering you on!

@Apparentlystillchilled thanks I appreciate that. Definitely the hard bit is now taking action and dealing with him following that but I am feeling a lot stronger recently. I am just trying to hold on to the fact that I will at least give myself that chance of a loving and respectful relationship (although nothing is guaranteed) but realistically I am never going to find that with him!

❤️

Also remember that what he says will happen and what he says he's going to do, isn't necessarily what WILL happen just because he's said it.

A lot of what he says will just be what he's saying to try and scare you into not making a fuss/ not standing up for your rights.

You have rights!

So nice to hear that you have some fire in your belly now, starting to understand that you deserve so much better…. Because you do! My husband is just the loveliest of men, we have been together 20 years and I still don’t understand how I deserve him! I had a shitty childhood and then some terrible relationships in my teens and early twenties. Even twenty years later I expect the worst and don’t understand why he wants to be with me…….. but every day he treats me like a princess and proves my doubts wrong. I have mostly been a SAHM for the last 10 years but I’m now working part-time. My husband pays 100% of the mortgage and bills and lets me use my earnings as “fun money” for the family. He never makes me feel anything less than an equal. I hope you don’t think I’m bragging, because that is not at all my point. I’m hoping to show you that wonderful men exist and what I have is 100% what you deserve too. Don’t settle for less. X

Thinking of you @runningaway90

@Apparentlystillchilled thank you ❤️ still here figuring things out. Getting annoyed with myself for not being able to rip the band aid off and go, something still making me doubt leaving but working through it in counselling. Have been seeing friends and family more but I almost feel like a burden. I have noticed I always have something to be almost "woe is me" about at the moment even if not about this relationship so just feel I need to snap out of it before I lose friends. I guess that's just what happens when you are feeling insecure and worn down. But deep down I'm still feeling slightly more confident and imaging the future I could have.

There’s no rush @runningaway90 so don’t beat yourself up about that. I don’t think he has ever been physically abusive right? So you aren’t in any danger staying for a while until you are ready to rip the bandaid off. I hope that now you have made the decision to leave it will make the emotional and financial abuse a bit less painful ….. because you know sometime soon it is going to end. Yes it will be a difficult period when you tell him you are leaving, sorting out the house etc, so it’s totally understandable that you have to make that leap when you are ready. But your future on the other side is going to be so much brighter……. whenever you feel the time is right. It’s been amazing following your thread to see how far you have come already and how much stronger you sound in your most recent posts 💪🏼

And I’m sure your friends don’t see you as a burden and want to support you through this and listen to all your woes. Have you confided to your friends about the situation you find yourself in?

maybe a little visit to your GP re feeling ' woe is me ' ?

Thanks both, I spoke to a friend and think I am being a bit hard on myself. "Woe is me" is probably not the right phrase, I think I just have a lot going on and need to be a bit more patient with myself that I am going to feel down. My friends know about the situation yes which helps. Again not sure why I haven't ended things yet but it's a process and I need to do it when I'm ready. Thanks again for all of the advice and support for getting me to this point so far.

Being patient with yourself is a game changer. Breaking up a relationship is like recovering from a long illness, or an addiction. It's a long process. The best advice I ever got was "talk to yourself the way you would talk to somebody else" - so with respect and consideration and patience. Kindly.

Yes OP, it is a process and it’s underway.
Keep going at it little by little and the day will come when you feel comfortable to end it.

And keep listing here for support as you’re doing !