Does this sound financially fair?

[runningaway90]

Longwinded but hoping someone will read.. Just looking for advice as feeling a lot of financial stress at the moment and not sure how to handle the situation. Myself and DP bought an older house a few years ago and it ended up needing significantly more work than expected. DP has a large deposit partly from family gift and sale of previous home (his home and I paid 50% of mortgage for half the time he lived there). I had much lower deposit (about 20% of his) so was wiped out buying this house as contributed all of my savings/equity. I mentioned adjusting ownership % at the time to allow me to keep £5/10k back but he was not happy with this as he was already putting down much larger deposit.

When we moved in, we spent about £45k on various repairs within 6 months (boiler, kitchen, doors). I’ve been trying to save as much as possible to pay off everything we have done so far but still have around £5k to pay off my share on CC etc. He is constantly making digs that I need to save more anytime I rarely go out with a friend etc but I’m trying to save between £500-700 a month.

On top of this, I pay 2/3 mortgage payments to balance out his deposit which is further restricting my ability to save. There are still repairs urgently needing done ie. roof needs replaced. He is getting a lump sum inheritance and will upfront the roof but expects me to pay him back as soon as I can (before the above mentioned debt).

I feel like I am drowning in a never ending cycle of repairs on this house. I really want things to be fair but I feel like I can’t keep up and every month there is another thing he comes to me with that must get done. On top of it, he was the big driver to move here, I was much happier in previous new build we had bought but agreed to move as he was so unhappy there. I’d honestly rather downsize to take the pressure off and have my life back but there is no way he would move again and certainly not somewhere with lots of neighbours.

Am I being unreasonable to feel his expectations here are unfair? What can I do in this situation? I know I am an adult and got myself into this situation but struggling to figure out what to do and the pressure is making me so stressed.

If you search domestic abuse charity and the county you live in you should be able to get local one to one support with navigating the breakup.

Good…I am glad you are on the right tracks…keep going with that momentum. Get the solicitor booked and update us. Lots of support here for you and lots of ideas how to help. You really will be so happy with yourself once you have sorted this situation.

I was very glad to read your update, and fwiw I agree with your counsellor.

Now you need to be resolute. You want to leave so you can have a shot at being happy. That's perfectly fair. Now focus on what you need to do to facilitate that.

It is great that you are out at work a lot, becuase you can contact a domestic abuse charity or women's aid and a solicitor during working hours and also keep anything private there. You know, like your estate agent brochures.

You're paying to make a rich man richer.

To add insult to injury he has a go at your about having a night out and you feel too intimated by him to tell him the financial arrangement isn't working.

Why not just arrange to have your salary paid straight into his bank account?

You're worth more than this OP. Leave.

AHHH! - Thomas the geography teacher! Yes!! That was a beautifully drawn rekationship of how chronic meannes shades into abuse and consistent disrespect.

Hi all, hope you don't mind me rehashing this thread over and over but it's really helping me get my mind straight and a bit of an outlet for it all. I will admit I have been struggling to take action in terms of a solicitor but I have finally booked a telephone appointment for early next week and hopefully that will help me get started with the practical and financial side of things.

Had another counselling session and she had asked me to try and have a think over the course of the relationship and examples of what's been happening. I ended up with a list of around 70 examples of times he has intimidated me, gaslight me or put me down. Only a handful of these were even related to the financial side of things which prompted me to start this thread. I think I was in denial about the rest of it and I am now realising he has been very emotionally abusive over the years. I have really been feeling beaten down and losing touch with friends and family and I think it's down to this relationship. Spoke to a family member about it all and they have agreed and glad that I am starting to see the light.

I am definitely feeling like I have more clarity with solid examples written down that can't be manipulated or somehow twisted so that I doubt what's happened. I'm also throwing myself into fitness and been going for long runs every week which are giving me a good confidence boost of achieving things I didn't think I could. Sorry this is just a little bit of a pointless vent but I am slowly untangling it all and helps to share.

It’s so positive that you’re starting to see the wood for the trees and have opened up to a family member. You’re making a lot of progress, although it might not feel like it, so be gentle with yourself about the time it’s taking. You could do the freedom programme online too though if you want to keep your momentum up.

Keep sharing as much as you need, OP. If it’s helping, we are here for it. X

So glad to here this, that you're feeling stronger and are making positive moves for yourself. Keep us posted.

Good update OP.
Glad you feel like you’re getting there and you’ve spoke to a family member about it.

So keep posting here much as you need.
Hand holds help you through the whole process. A step at a time. Sometimes it’s baby steps but you’re going in the right direction.

That's really good news OP! Maybe some people on MN who have never been through a situation like this, expected you to gather yourself and walk out immediately, but in real life it doesn't work like that, you need time to think things through, and be sure that whatever decisions you make are the right ones. All of your most recent post sounds really positive, and while it's obviously sad for you to realise how much he has abused you over the years, I'm hoping that this will be the information you need to enable you to move out, and move forward with your life in a way which is beneficial to YOU, rather than someone else. Please do continue to post, as it's always good to hear about progress made when we've been in on a situation from the beginning as it were. Good luck in moving forward.

Good to hear from you and please don't apologise for posting. There are people always here for you and willing you on to sort out whatever it is that's bothering you and holding you back.

It's great that you are pursuing your own activities and building your confidence. I am so glad to learn that you also have a friend or family member to confide in. This is a huge help when trying to take a step in another direction in life.

Hope to hear more when you have any news or just thoughts to turn over.

Glad to hear you are sorting your head out. The running will be really help with that - thoughts just fall into place when you go for a run.

Seventy things seems like quite a list. It's useful to have that. I would keep adding to it if you remember more things - as a note but also it may bring up more to discuss with therapist.

Come back and talk to us here on the thread as much as you like. These strangers are here for you and rooting for you 💪🏼 It’s so great to hear you sounding so much stronger. Sounds like you have been doing great work with your therapist and that is such a huge step booking in a chat with a solicitor. Keep making baby steps in the right direction. And try not to alert your other half to what you are doing right now - controlling people can become very unpredictable and dangerous when they feel that their hold over you is slipping. Keep your cards very close to your chest until you have everything in place to take action.

Thanks all, really appreciate the kind messages and having some people to vent to! I'm definitely feeling more positive and clear. It's not all good as I'm also drinking more wine than usual but feel a little bit in survival mode at the moment and just trying to cope with all of his daily criticisms and stresses as best as I can. Will hopefully know where I stand financially over the next week's and be able to get things in motion.

Ah, love, seventy times that you can remember?
That's just awful.

We're all still here for you.❤

It’s actually nice to hear an update … would be lovey if you kept posting the - we can all look forward to the time when you are at the other side of this. I also think that all this preparation pre leaving will really help you to be ok when you separate. Go easy on the wine though, it doesn’t solve anything - you need a clear head.

He sounds hideous OP, why are you with him? He’s just using you as a way to fund a house that he couldn’t quite afford by himself. A man who loved his partner wouldn’t see them struggle financially. Disgraceful.

Spoke to a solicitor this morning. Unfortunately she didn't really tell me anything more than I already knew. She said it is technically a starting point of 50/50 but he would have grounds to want to protect his deposit and would likely fight the 50/50 which would mean hefty fees going to court etc. So best case is to set forward a fair proposal for us both to agree on based on the value of the house now. She said it would take into account my deposit, extra mortgage and the money invested in repairs. But ultimately I don't have a clue until I instruct a solicitor and can have the house valued. He never leaves the house during the week so I can't even get the house valued without him knowing so I think it all rests on me getting the courage to end things. I have no idea if i'd even have enough money for a deposit on my own but need to just accept that.

The other issue is that I know he is going to try to keep the dog and when we have discussed theoretically what would happen if we split before he said he is not willing to do 50/50. So thats the other big thing I'm trying to accept might happen and I need to be willing to walk away so he can't manipulate me into going back by using the dog.

I think I'm trying to have some certainty of where/what I will end up but ultimately I've no idea until we go through it.

Well done. Positive step taken! Lots of useful info for going forward.

How old is the dog and who mainly looks after it? Would the dog be happier in the house he is in, or does he prefer you so much that he would be better off with you? Who acquired the dog in the first place?

Can you not get a valuation online? Do a search at work and see what you can find out.

Are you afraid to end things because it will be such a huge change, or are you worried he will make you change your mind, or that he will bully you out of it? Is there anyone you can ask to come and see fair play in the "I am breaking up with you" conversation, and/or help you move out?

Lots to think about. Good that you have a better idea now of what you need to do next.

@KTheGrey Thank you 😊the dog is 2 years old and I do most of the looking after for the 5 days a week I'm at home, he does the other 2 when I'm at work. We got the dog together aswell. I think she would be better off in this house rather than a small house or flat that I'll end up in but I'd make much more effort to take dog out for walks etc than he would so would fare ok I'd think. She's more attached to me and follows me around and he has shouted at her etc on occasion. Will have a look for online valuations as I hadn't thought about that, thanks.

I think I'm scared of doing it because it is such a big change and scared of the unknown. I am concerned incase I change my mind and regret it then try to go back. Sounds crazy as I know I need to leave but part of me is still stuck in this cycle of trying to please him and not being able to imagine my life without him. So that's really what I'm trying to unpick with counselling etc so I can understand what is holding me back. I'm sure I'll get there soon 🙏

OP, I am SO pleased that you've been to see a solicitor, and taken advice. Leaving someone that you've been living with for a while is always hard, but you have to remain focused on the fact that he doesn't see you in the same way that you've been seeing him, ie, you probably originally saw him as the 'love of your life', but he saw you as a financial partner, and someone who could help HIM get where HE wanted to go in life. However, he doesn't have the emotional attachment that you have, so now you have realised that, it's time to focus on YOU and what YOU want and need from life.

I think that once you've actually walked away, you will manage REALLY well, and I believe from what you've told us about your earning capacity, and the amount that you are saving each month, which is a considerable sum, especially given that you are also paying a huge part of the mortgage each month. So get that valuation done, sit down and work out the worst case scenario as to how much you will have to spend each month, and how much equity you are likely to get from the sale of the current house. Then once it’s all been sorted out, look forward to finding yourself a nice new place to live, where you don't have to constantly worry about the need for repairs all the time. I also think you will be surprised at just how far your money will actually go, once you no longer have to spend a lot of it, doing what he tells you to do!!!

Please, as others have said, keep coming back and telling us about your progress, as we’re all rooting for you.

Wishing you strength and all the best in your new future, you’ve got this OP!

It sounds like the dog loves you best - they follow their favourite person ime. However, I think you are right that you will have to be prepared to leave her with him. He may come round, but she should not be a bargaining chip, really, he should be concerned with where she will be happiest.

Keep picking away at your fear of the unknown in counselling. It takes the time it takes. Hopefully the day will arrive when you just have a "penny drop" moment about how miserable you are, and it is easier to act than to put up with how it is.

I'm sorry but he's a cunt. And I very very rarely use that word. It's not a partnership. Honestly would you treat him like this of it was the other way round?

I've just read all your replies and I'm so so sorry this is happening to you. You must get out. Regarding the dog, I'd just take her tbh.