Does this sound financially fair?

[runningaway90]

Longwinded but hoping someone will read.. Just looking for advice as feeling a lot of financial stress at the moment and not sure how to handle the situation. Myself and DP bought an older house a few years ago and it ended up needing significantly more work than expected. DP has a large deposit partly from family gift and sale of previous home (his home and I paid 50% of mortgage for half the time he lived there). I had much lower deposit (about 20% of his) so was wiped out buying this house as contributed all of my savings/equity. I mentioned adjusting ownership % at the time to allow me to keep £5/10k back but he was not happy with this as he was already putting down much larger deposit.

When we moved in, we spent about £45k on various repairs within 6 months (boiler, kitchen, doors). I’ve been trying to save as much as possible to pay off everything we have done so far but still have around £5k to pay off my share on CC etc. He is constantly making digs that I need to save more anytime I rarely go out with a friend etc but I’m trying to save between £500-700 a month.

On top of this, I pay 2/3 mortgage payments to balance out his deposit which is further restricting my ability to save. There are still repairs urgently needing done ie. roof needs replaced. He is getting a lump sum inheritance and will upfront the roof but expects me to pay him back as soon as I can (before the above mentioned debt).

I feel like I am drowning in a never ending cycle of repairs on this house. I really want things to be fair but I feel like I can’t keep up and every month there is another thing he comes to me with that must get done. On top of it, he was the big driver to move here, I was much happier in previous new build we had bought but agreed to move as he was so unhappy there. I’d honestly rather downsize to take the pressure off and have my life back but there is no way he would move again and certainly not somewhere with lots of neighbours.

Am I being unreasonable to feel his expectations here are unfair? What can I do in this situation? I know I am an adult and got myself into this situation but struggling to figure out what to do and the pressure is making me so stressed.

It should not be this way! You’re not this man’s partner - you sound more like an indentured servant! I feel so bad for you and really hope you can get out of this situation.

I could have been in your position but thankfully my partner isn't an arse.
When we bought our first house I had only graduated a year earlier. My partner paid £87k towards the deposit I contributed £20k overall split roughly 2:1. We discussed protecting assets before we view properties and set out a deed of trust. If we split up we would sell the house the mortgage would be paid off and then we would get our deposits back and anything left would be split 50:50. When we did work on the house it was 50:50 thankfully the costs for redoing this house were low. Whenever we made over payments we did it equally. If I could only afford £3k that is all my partner overpaid too.
We moved house 4 years later, we treated all the profits as 50:50 and had the deed of trust with the deposits from the original house. The split was now something like 57:43. The increase in house prices over 4 years especially with covid meant our difference narrowed quite quickly. I don't see anything in your comments about the impact of house prices fluctuations. This house needs more work so we both kept some money for renovation and we manage it according to my savings. We are also about to have our roof done and it we made sure we could afford 50:50 before agreeing to do it.

We don't pay 50:50 into the joint account where 90+% of our spending occurs from. This is proportional to our salaries as I earn slightly less and work 4 days. We both have similar savings at the end of the month

My partner never throws it back into my face that we only get the best interest rate as his deposit puts us in the best interest bracket. He doesn't hold day to day money over me.

Conversation involve two voices I think this is lacking in your relationship.
We have a joint spreadsheet of savings so we know what we jointly can afford. We don't do anything that would significantly negatively impact the other. There is always some give and take but your partner only takes. I watched my sister struggle to leave her controlling and abusive husband and when I came to enter into the ownership of a home I wanted a clear definition of where I stood.

This is not how good people behave in relationships with an imbalance of money and power. Good people put in the time and effort to find balance within the imbalance and not throw it in your face

Ultimately I think that is the problem. An imbalance of power and things being held over me. Feels so hard to contemplating leaving but I'm not sure I have any other option long term

I'd agree, you don't. But I'm a little concerned by your last few posts as I can see you still haven't made up your mind to leave. This man is financially and emotionally abusing you, and every day you stay, he digs his claws in deeper.

I know you might want someone to come on and tell you a positive story about how their own partner was similar but then changed, and now all is well. But that doesn't happen. His nature is ingrained in him and the only option you have is to decide if you are going to put up with it for the rest of your life or walk away to something better.

Thanks - you are right that I am struggling with the resolve to leave. I really am fully aware that he won't change and just need to pluck up the courage to actually do something about it as I know I'd have no one to blame but myself for choosing this for the rest of my life now that I'm very aware of his behaviour.

Take the first step and see a lawyer on your own.
It’s not a commitment to leave but it’s a step in the right direction.What they tell you might strengthen you resolve to leave.
Maybe it will help to speak to someone irl about it first.

Is there something you're waiting for?

@madeinthe80z there's not just trying to pluck up the courage to be honest.

It's so complicated because you obviously love him and it's never as straightforward was people on a forum telling you to leave him because he must have redeeming qualities. Is this something you could work though and improve on do you think? I'm wondering also what his parents are like? If this is generationally embedded then he's unlikely to change, if not then maybe things can, perhaps you could have a work with his mum?? Otherwise, walk away and you will AMAZED what a normal, supportive relationship feels like.

It's weird imo. All this having to pay him back or forking out more of the mortgage because he put more deposit down. It's hardly a partnership is it.

I put down the whole deposit on our house with an inheritance I received. I don't expect my husband to pay more of the mortgage to "pay me back".

But he is proportionally gaining more from your current arrangement.

@Bs0u416d I'm not sure as the more I think about it all I can see the inequality in our relationship and not being treated as a partner. It's more than finances - it's all the other life choices too as I feel I almost get convinced into doing what he wants and thinking it's been my choice... Like this house. The only reason we ended up in this house was as there were so many worse ones we went to see that I had to strongly justify why I didn't want to love there with just not liking somewhere never being enough so this one seemed good in comparison.

I get on with his family but his parents will always want to protect his finances and I am sure he has explained the arrangement and they don't disagree with it. I am close to his mum but ultimately she has the he can do no wrong attitude when it comes down to it.

@PapaIndigoTangoAlpha yup and even with that I still am somehow indebted with doing more housework to almost show appreciation for him for having that deposit even though I'm paying my share back. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Then I'm really sorry but you need to think about starting again. Life is both too short and too long to carry on as you are. I don't say that lightly and I'm certainly the last to suggest such things on a faceless forum. I suspect we are similar ages and we we couldn't be in more different relationships and I only wish you knew how uplifting a true partnership can be. If it makes a difference, I'm a man, not a woman but if you were my sister or my friend, I know what id' want you to do. I think you already know this and I think you already know that you would be happier on your own, for now. You will meet someone that understands what a real relationship is and that equality means proportionality, not tit for tat. I promise you will look back at this and wonder how on earth you put up with it for as long as you hage.This won't be easy but I wish you all the strength in the world, to pick yourself up and take yourself to a better place.

It's really difficult to end a relationship. But it is worse to stay in one that is eating you alive.

Even if the alternative is singleness, it's better than this devaluing of everything you bring to the relationship, which is really about devaluing you.

And the alternative might be a better relationship.

Thanks both I appreciate this. I know deep down I have to end things and would be happier alone feeling free. I think I am just coming to terms with making that decision and the practicalities of that for example likely having to leave my dog behind etc. But I don't think any of the practicalities are worth staying of course it's just taking me some time to take action.

@runningaway90 you take as long as you need and use this thread to keep us updated if you like.

On mumsnet there is an inclination to want things wrapped up in the space of a couple of days for resolution and also because the solution seems obvious to us. But we aren't the one in the middle of things.

Yes, he is greedy, mean, and abusive.

Do you have any supportive friends or family to talk to?

He's not interested in being fair but interested in taking advantage

I don't know if you read this book or not, but I imagine you will find him in these pages.

Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft
archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

@grinandslothit I do yes and have discussed with some of them. They all think the house situation is a bit messy and none of them have said he is financially abusive but do think he is a bit controlling from things he has said or done in the past.

That should have been a massive red flag!!

You know that your current arrangement isn't fair, and it needs to change. The ownership of the house can be changed, to reflect what each of you have put in and then make it 50/50 for the rest, so you own it 70/30 in his favour (for example) or whatever the ratio comes out at. I don't think it would be wrong for him to do that, I would want to protect my money if I bought a house with somebody now after being divorced and knowing what can happen. The waters are muddied though by the fact that you paid half the mortgage for a while on the old house which was solely in his name.

As it stands right now, then you would be better off if you own half of it and can walk away now. He has screwed himself over by putting it in 50/50 before you have "earned" it.

If you really want to try and work it all, and want all bills to be 50/50 then change the ownership ratio and sit down and look at all the finances, with a spreadsheet, and both of your bank statements, payslips etc, and go through everything.

Finances are separate to housework so that needs to be equal if you are both working full time. You need to discuss completely what happens if you have children.

If he won't do any thing, if he won't sit down and discuss it, then you know it is over. You know what you will be stuck with if you stay with him. It will never get better if he is not prepared to discuss it and alter things.

BUT - that is only if you really feel that there is something worth saving. Him asking you for petrol money and half a meal voucher etc, does make him look like a man that most women would not want to be with - and the comments on here back that up.

I can totally understand him wanting to protect a large deposit, but he has done it the wrong way and it could backfire massively on him now.

Hi all, I had an appointment with my counsellor today who I haven't seen for a while and updated her on some of the things he'd said to me and the financial issues. I have had other issues going on which I thought was the main thing I wanted to discuss but it ended up with her telling me these things were very concerning and she thinks he is being controlling and how can we get you out of this situation and not want to go back etc. She has never told me he is controlling before so it is quite significant when coming from a counsellor too who deals with thing kind of stuff often. So I've got a lot to think about and need to make sure I know where I stand. I am concerned about not being strong enough to go through with it as in the past I've wanted to leave and never been able to go through with it but hopefully I can get through it.

You absolutely are strong enough. If you’re strong enough to have navigated this relationship, you’re strong enough to navigate leaving it.

Start making a life for yourself away from your partner. If you have other things to start to focus on it will hopefully cushion the blow so to speak and give you the confidence to go. I think you may actually feel empowered when you make the move. I wouldn’t discuss it with your DP as there is no point, he won’t change. So just get your house in order as best you can. Make sure you see a solicitor to find out your financial rights and stop over paying and over compensating for what he thinks he has done extra. He isn’t a god, he isn’t special, he isn’t anything but an arsehole who has taken advantage of you for long enough. You’ve got this shizzle girl.

Thanks both. And yes I'm absolutely not discussing it with him as any change is always temporary anyway, he has had enough chances and I'm sick of being told he loves me but doesn't act that way. I need to put myself first. I've luckily got quite a few hobbies already that I've been throwing myself into and going to continue with those too which will hopefully help. And agree with a solicitor as I know he will try to manipulate the situation. I do feel quite positive when I think about taking control of it all and just need to get through the worst of it.