Does this sound financially fair?

[runningaway90]

Longwinded but hoping someone will read.. Just looking for advice as feeling a lot of financial stress at the moment and not sure how to handle the situation. Myself and DP bought an older house a few years ago and it ended up needing significantly more work than expected. DP has a large deposit partly from family gift and sale of previous home (his home and I paid 50% of mortgage for half the time he lived there). I had much lower deposit (about 20% of his) so was wiped out buying this house as contributed all of my savings/equity. I mentioned adjusting ownership % at the time to allow me to keep £5/10k back but he was not happy with this as he was already putting down much larger deposit.

When we moved in, we spent about £45k on various repairs within 6 months (boiler, kitchen, doors). I’ve been trying to save as much as possible to pay off everything we have done so far but still have around £5k to pay off my share on CC etc. He is constantly making digs that I need to save more anytime I rarely go out with a friend etc but I’m trying to save between £500-700 a month.

On top of this, I pay 2/3 mortgage payments to balance out his deposit which is further restricting my ability to save. There are still repairs urgently needing done ie. roof needs replaced. He is getting a lump sum inheritance and will upfront the roof but expects me to pay him back as soon as I can (before the above mentioned debt).

I feel like I am drowning in a never ending cycle of repairs on this house. I really want things to be fair but I feel like I can’t keep up and every month there is another thing he comes to me with that must get done. On top of it, he was the big driver to move here, I was much happier in previous new build we had bought but agreed to move as he was so unhappy there. I’d honestly rather downsize to take the pressure off and have my life back but there is no way he would move again and certainly not somewhere with lots of neighbours.

Am I being unreasonable to feel his expectations here are unfair? What can I do in this situation? I know I am an adult and got myself into this situation but struggling to figure out what to do and the pressure is making me so stressed.

But it’s all for a house OP doesn’t particularly want to live in and doesn’t want to financially stretch herself that much for. Plus her doing nearly all the housework. Plus her not being allowed to spend a little of her own finances on a night out without him getting pissy about it. Plus 50:50 only being paramount unless the unfair division happens to go in his favour, in which case let’s not be petty. This whole relationship is toxic.

It's not even about the money or about being equal or calculations of one kind or another to even things up or fix an imbalance. Going beyond all that is the issue of largeness and generosity of spirit towards one's life partner: being loving and giving to the one you love and intend to live with or marry, have children and spend the rest of your life with.

If you don't have that and can't have that from this man because it's not in his nature or capacity, what do you have with him, apart from his control, mean spiritedness and demands on your life, labour and finances? You've become enmeshed in this existence where you have no power and it's difficult to break out of the emotional involvement so you've ended up staying, yet you yearn to run away. It can be done: you have a job, an income and means to go and see a solicitor as a first step to find out the legal and financial lie of the land and take your bearings from there. You are capable and accomplished but you don't have power in this part of your life until you take it up and exercise it.

I.would work out how much you both paid - starting with the time you started paying half his mortgage on his old house

He's treating you like a slave and cash cow.

Pleased to hear you are going to see a solicitor. You may be a bit shell shocked at the moment, but it sounds like you are definitely doing the right thing.

I am glad that you are going to see a solicitor, at least it will give you some kind of legal clarity as to where you stand. Really sorry you’re in this situation, it’s awful when reality catches up with you. Best of luck moving forward. There are happier times ahead x

You need an accountant and a solicitor.
Do not marry him in the meantime, and do not have children with him either in the meantime or until you are married - if indeed you do marry him.

If it had been the other way round and you had the larger deposit I bet that you both would be paying 50/50 on the morgage and I guess that you would still doing all the housework for him as well.
There would be no bullshit talk of the 'one that pays the larger deposit should do none of the house work for life'.

Totally which is probably why I'm so fed up as I doubt the split would be the same if roles reversed

Please leave this miserly twat op.

He will just bring you down and destroy your self esteem

Yup go sort out how much money you should be leaving with and just leave. You don’t want to be chained to this dickhead for the next 30 years.

Don’t end up losing your entire life to this manipulative man, he’s taken too much already. Believe me it’ll only get worse, get out now and live your best life.

Life should not be transitional in this way. Relationships even more so. What you put up in this partnership is yourself, he either wants that or he doesn't. For the first ten years of my relationship, I earned 2-3 times what my DP did. I simply paid for more, because I could. This didn't mean I expected to do less or to recoup my outlay in the future. We now earn fairly equally and as a result, we split things more equally but I will never ask for a a settlement of past dues, because that's not how healthy partnerships work. I'm loathed to say this because it's such a mumsnet cliché but don't stay with this man. You deserve warmth and love and true partnership, not this transactional nonsense you have gotten fat too used to.

@Bs0u416d thank you. Yes it's making things feel very bitter. All the responses here are really opening my eyes to it all

If I were you I'd tell him the truth. You personally can't afford this house, so from your individual perspective you need to sell up and find somewhere you can. Its then up to him to decide if he wants to buy you out and go his separate way, find somewhere together you can afford, or take on a greater share of the costs himself so you continue to live there. There is no point whatsoever in considering your finances and assets as 'shared' with this man, as he couldn't be making it plainer he sees them separately. You need to do the same and live affordably for you.

send him a link of this thread! That’ll soon open his eyes!

Agreed!

Absolutely DO NOT do this!!

This thread is a bunch of women supporting the OP deal with someone who is financially abusing her and who she is thinking of leaving.

It’s not some lighthearted domestic dispute about who should put the bins out!

Hi OP

my brother sounds like your other half but not as bad. I’ve had to tell him stop being a tight fucker and being petty 😂
Similar to your situation but they’re newly married they are about to buy their first house (not my bros first) he has 100k to put down and she has 20k. He really wasn’t happy that she would be ‘benefiting’ from the the large deposit and wanted to have something written in to the deeds that he owns 2/3 and the wife 1/3 i said i dont think thats fair and suggested just protecting their deposit. Anyway i said once you are in a long term relationship you cant really expect everything to 50/50, i personally see it as joint money to an extent and i wouldnt be so petty about everything.
I wouldn’t be able to live for the next 30yrs being ‘indebted’ to someone , the financial pressure would be overwhelming. If your OH doesn’t compromise then look to see if he can buy you out of your share and you can get something more affordable.

Yes don't worry I have no intentions of doing that as I know he would use it all against me!

As everythingthelighttouches said, DO NOT show him this thread.

Any idea how they end up like this? 😂 Thanks for your perspective, good to hear as his family seem to support this protecting his money thing as his parents are aware of all of it. And yeah it's just not sustainable to expect everything in life to be 50/50 as it clearly isn't. As I've mentioned I've been doing a lot of thinking and just not sure I want to continue with this relationship as it's causing me so much stress so sorting out my options. Don't think it should be this way!

Now you know where he gets it from - instilled in him by the parents. They must think they have to hold tight to every penny as if everyone is out to get their money. Little did you know you would be viewed like a predator against which all precautions must be taken.

It's sensible to protect your money where you aren't married, but that should look like getting an agreement drawn up to reflect the difference in the deposits, not turning you OP into an indentured slave and making you pay over the odds for the rest of your life.

@runningaway90 in my brothers case its the way hes’s been brought up. My parents gave him everything so he never really had to worry financially and he’s never really had to ‘share’ his money. His wife doesnt earn as much as him either so to him he doesnt feel its ‘fair’. I’ve just had to say well thats life either buy a cheaper less desirable house (he doesnt want to) married someone with more money( obvs extreme) or just deal with it and get over having to ‘share’ with your wife. Btw my parents are similar to me that he shouldn’t be thinking that way and everything that he owns now is technically half hers too.