I swore on her life even though I lied and feel terrible

[BlushingMermaid]

I just want to preface this as I don't want to drip feed but I've been emotional and sometimes physically abused by my family especially my grandma and dad.

This should have been a total non issue and I'm livid with myself but it was just in the heat of the moment.

My grandma is relentless, if she doesn't agree with something she'll go on and on and on for weeks on end. She just doesn't stop.

An example of this is when I was pregnant with youngest DC she wanted me to have an abortion as I already have a child, I won't cope, my husbands forcing me into it (he wasn't) and then when I did put my foot down and said I weren't having an abortion, she started crying saying that the baby will kill her, it's one in and one out and look what happened to your dad (dad died when oldest DC was four weeks old) and it just went on and on.

Last weekend we took DC to see her and we were going out, she didn't like the pants DS was wearing, they were too small (they weren't), they were dirty (they weren't), the colour wasn't right whatever reason she could come up with and gave us some pants to change DS in to (which were actually too small) so to save argument I said I'd change DS pants at the venue whatever - I didn't because they were fine.

So for the last few days she's been asking me if I changed DS pants and to save arguments I said yes blah blah so she calls me a liar, starts questioning when I changed him in the car, the toilets whatever and it was just totally unnecessary and whatever but I always feel pressured to do what she wants or says for some reason but I just wanted the conversation to end and tried to move on and she said "swear on youngest DDs life you changed his pants and I was just like yeah whatever I swear and that ended to conversation.

I feel awful and absolutely livid with myself, it was just the heat of the moment of being questioned and shouted at and I just wanted it to end and feel I shouldn't have even been put in that position and I know it doesn't actually mean anything and I haven't cured DD to a death sentence but I'm just so sick of everything now and it's caused a lot of memories of abuse to come forward today ( I have CPTSD).

How do I deal with a mistake like this?

OP - why are you allowing her poison to rule your life? She’s a nasty controlling self-centred awful woman.

Your life would be better without her interfering.

I think you need to spend less time with her

Go non-contact with the nasty old bitch.

And next time make it her life you swear on!

Please don't beat yourself up

If you were my friend I would be encouraging you to go for therapy. I would also say 'stop feeling guilty at the way you manage her demands and start thinking of your reactions as self defence strategies.'

This. Whats the background here with such superstitious nonsense? One in one out? Has she even glanced at birthrates?

OP, I don’t mean to offend you but your grandma sounds really thick. Who ever asks someone to swear on someone’s life, past the age of 7? Not to mention the subject matter of the argument is completely trivial. She comes across as stubborn, obnoxious and puerile.

Stop beating yourself up. Put distance between you and her. She is not a positive force in your life. The whole abortion thing alone should already have been a massive red flag. Sorry she’s made you feel bad. You did nothing wrong. Move on. 💐

Next time you're told to swear on it, try this;

'Yeah, OK, I'll swear - FUCK OFF'.

And then walk away for good.

Oh don’t worry about it, you were trying to shut your grandmother up, nothing will happen to you little girl.

Howver you really need to have less contact with her. She sounds absolutely horrible and you shouldn’t be exposing yourself or your children to her.

You can’t jinx somebody to death, but I do understand why you feel horrible. Your gran sounds horrendous, really awful. You need some coping mechanisms - even if it’s just hanging up or walking out on her. That’s if you can’t go no contact, which would probably be best.

Be kind to yourself OP. X

Don’t feel bad OP. It is a pointless saying that means nothing. She should feel guilty for being so controlling, not you.

This is disordered thinking OP, it's a product of the extreme stress you're under. It's a trauma response. Logically, you KNOW this is nonsense. There's no supernatural power attached to using a few words to get a bully off your back. Your DD isn't, and can't be, affected by it. You know that.

You need to break the chains and get out of this toxic relationship with this awful woman. Your mental health and your sense of self can't really start to heal and grow while you're still being terrorised and abused. The power a malignant family member can have over a person is amazing; you're not weak and you're not alone. I know an ex-marine who has fought in three wars; his toxic mother can reduce him to a quivering, tongue-tied little boy.

Have you had any counselling, and do you have any decent support outside your family?

Stop seeing her. I don't understand why you'd visit someone who was abusive to you with your child. If you don't want to cut ties, seriously just leave or hang up when she starts on you.

Why are you in contact with her?

she sounds batshit

Goodness, your grandma sounds as though she has some issues. Try not to be in her company again. It's not good for your mental health and you need to look after yourself.

If grandma asks why she hasn't seen you, tell her there's no point cos you're pregnant again and she'll be dead soon just like she said. One in, one out and all that Granny..

Don't waste another second on this person.

Just cut her out of your life. She toxic and already upsetting you. How long before she upsets your DC?

Please cut her out of your life. There’s zero reason for you to have her being abusive to you and stressing you out.

Have you considered no contact?

Fucking hell. Please do not expose your children to this absolute lunatic. It's clear you've been terribly abused. Please cut her off, seek some therapy and never let her near your children again

Tell her to FUCK OFF. And when she does that to fuck off some more.

Why are you in contact at all with that witch? Stop exposing your DC to her. She is toxic. Go zero contact, not low contact - zero.

Also, are you getting counselling / therapy? It would be hugely beneficial to you.

OP, my heart really goes go out to you. It’s a hard cycle to break and like someone eluded to, it sounds like she shifts you back into a child when you’re in her presence. Family ties can be difficult to cut. I agree that good, robust therapy, that offers healthy relational opportunities and challenges core beliefs could be really healing for you. I’ve been there myself with family members, but for the sake of my children, I had to walk away. Someone in a family full of trauma has to break the cycle, that often means we have to do something different
to what’s been done before. It sounds like you’ve had a really tough life, you deserve some peace now. Take care, lovely xx

How about "Fuck off you nasty mean minded abusive toxic bitch"

Sounds like you need professional help to extricate yourself from the toxic relationship. You are unable to see that actually, you have the power here.

She needs you in order to prove to herself that she is better, knows more, is more capable. She needs you in your box of being crap and useless and all the other things she has accused you of in order to justify her own behaviour. Chances are your father was abusive because of the way she treated him, he knew no other way. He was doing what you are doing ie, what he was told to do by her.

By refusing to be in that box, by refusing to accept what she demands, you are explicitly telling her that she is wrong. This is something that she simply cannot comprehend.

But its what you need to do.

Think of it this way, if you met a person who could be a friend but then they treated you this way, would you meet them again? Would you allow them into your life? No, of course not, you would avoid them like the plague. So why do you allow her to do this? Because she has always told you that you HAVE to, and now you know that you dont. So dont.

"If you have this baby, I will die!!"

"Well lets hope, eh?"

or ETA

"No, I could never get that lucky twice"

That's horrible. The OP is distressed.

Honestly @BlushingMermaid you've done nothing wrong. You've been exposed to abuse and manipulation and you don't need to continue to spend time with her. More easily said than done, I know.