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AIBU?

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Original poster

I swore on her life even though I lied and feel terrible

136 replies

BlushingMermaid · 20/02/2024 23:14

I just want to preface this as I don't want to drip feed but I've been emotional and sometimes physically abused by my family especially my grandma and dad.

This should have been a total non issue and I'm livid with myself but it was just in the heat of the moment.

My grandma is relentless, if she doesn't agree with something she'll go on and on and on for weeks on end. She just doesn't stop.

An example of this is when I was pregnant with youngest DC she wanted me to have an abortion as I already have a child, I won't cope, my husbands forcing me into it (he wasn't) and then when I did put my foot down and said I weren't having an abortion, she started crying saying that the baby will kill her, it's one in and one out and look what happened to your dad (dad died when oldest DC was four weeks old) and it just went on and on.

Last weekend we took DC to see her and we were going out, she didn't like the pants DS was wearing, they were too small (they weren't), they were dirty (they weren't), the colour wasn't right whatever reason she could come up with and gave us some pants to change DS in to (which were actually too small) so to save argument I said I'd change DS pants at the venue whatever - I didn't because they were fine.

So for the last few days she's been asking me if I changed DS pants and to save arguments I said yes blah blah so she calls me a liar, starts questioning when I changed him in the car, the toilets whatever and it was just totally unnecessary and whatever but I always feel pressured to do what she wants or says for some reason but I just wanted the conversation to end and tried to move on and she said "swear on youngest DDs life you changed his pants and I was just like yeah whatever I swear and that ended to conversation.

I feel awful and absolutely livid with myself, it was just the heat of the moment of being questioned and shouted at and I just wanted it to end and feel I shouldn't have even been put in that position and I know it doesn't actually mean anything and I haven't cured DD to a death sentence but I'm just so sick of everything now and it's caused a lot of memories of abuse to come forward today ( I have CPTSD).

How do I deal with a mistake like this?

OP posts:
HenndigoOZ · 21/02/2024 06:59

If she wasn’t always like this could she be showing signs of dementia?

puzzledout · 21/02/2024 07:03

Just stop contact..... don't put yourself in that position again.

BonzoGates · 21/02/2024 07:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

⬆️🙄 . Don't mind this poster OP.

Lotsofsnacks · 21/02/2024 07:11

OP for your own good you need to
cut this nasty woman out of your life, now! Do not take your lovely DC to see her. I think you would definitely benefit from some counselling. you are not going to heal until you go NC with this woman though.

Her and your dad abused you, which is unforgivable. Best wishes to you

Gymnopedie · 21/02/2024 07:14

HenndigoOZ · 21/02/2024 06:59

If she wasn’t always like this could she be showing signs of dementia?

It doesn't sound like this is new at all:

I've been emotional and sometimes physically abused by my family especially my grandma and dad.

OP calm down. Nothing bad is going to happen to your baby just because you swore on her life. It's only words. But bad things are going to keep happening to you if you don't start avoinding this witch. You have no need to see her. You owe her nothing. And look at it this way - if you keep seeing her she will start on the DC, subjecting them to the same sort of abuse she put you through. Leave her to stew on her own bitter self.

PerfectTravelTote · 21/02/2024 08:06

She is not a well woman.

You have done nothing wrong.

If she's having this big an effect on you its probably be best that you reduce your contact with her and reconsider exposing you're kids to her behaviour.

minthybobs · 21/02/2024 08:08

JMSA · 20/02/2024 23:19

Go non-contact with the nasty old bitch.

And next time make it her life you swear on! Grin

Please don't beat yourself up Flowers

This. Why are you putting yourself through this? she may be your GM but she's vile and nasty. Next time swear on HER life but go low or no contact. She won't change but you can change how much you see her.

FancyJapflack · 21/02/2024 08:11

Omg. She’s vile. Tell her to drop dead and then go NC.

CatherinedeBourgh · 21/02/2024 08:14

You owe it to your children to step away from this relationship.

By tolerating her abuse you are modelling to them an unhealthy life habit.

You should never accept anything for yourself that you do not want your children to accept for themselves.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 21/02/2024 08:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

So helpful 🙄

DifferentAlgebra · 21/02/2024 08:16

Don’t engage. Reward her with your presence only when she behaves civilly, otherwise just get up and leave.

PrueRamsay · 21/02/2024 08:17

OP, you know you shouldn’t have any contact with this woman at all don’t you?

What is keeping you there? She can’t hurt you if you cut her out of your life, and you will be protecting your DC too.

I don’t really understand how she could tell your DC pants were too small/dirty? Unless you’re American and mean trousers?

Either way, give yourself permission to cut her off.

Whattodowithit88 · 21/02/2024 08:17

You care too much, it’s just words.

Id be cutting them short for sure, the less time she is around you and your kids the better!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/02/2024 08:17

I think you shouldn’t see her any more OP. She’s abusive and nasty.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 21/02/2024 08:19

Therapy and lots of it. Your grandmother is vile and obviously very damaged herself.

Either go no contact or very low contact. Every time she tries to control you, grey rock her.

Nothing will happen to your little girl as a result of your words but I understand why you don’t want it to happen again.

DontWasteMyTime · 21/02/2024 08:21

OP, your grandma has either got dementia or is just extremely unpleasant - either way, she isn't normal.

The best thing you can do for your own sake (and that of your own little family) is to stop all contact with her.

BMW6 · 21/02/2024 08:21

Why on earth are you subjecting your children to such a toxic person?

Isitbedtimeyet3 · 21/02/2024 08:21

Why are you letting this woman see your children?! Go no contact

Sunshines89 · 21/02/2024 08:24

Sending you a big hug OP. It sounds like you've really been through it in the past, just from reading your post. I hope you can find the confidence to distance yourself from her or at least stand up to her to protect your own mental health and your kids'.

Perhaps, you could talk to your children about her at home and explain some of the situation so that when she says odd things that you go along with, or you get upset because of her, they understand that what she's doing isn't normal or right? That way hopefully they may be less inclined to think that this is a normal family dynamic. You obviously love your children to be so worried about swearing on their lives (I understand your feelings and I would feel the same if I'd made a fly away comment like that!), so thankfully your love for them will mean they have a happier childhood than your post suggests you had x

PhoenixStarbeamer · 21/02/2024 08:25

Cut her off. Block her number and get on with your life. You don't have to see her.

EveryoneIsAHypocrite · 21/02/2024 08:25

How old are you?

Stop giving her so much power. Once you realise you can do what you want, without seeking her approval, you will be free.

MoonWoman69 · 21/02/2024 08:27

BlushingMermaid · 20/02/2024 23:14

I just want to preface this as I don't want to drip feed but I've been emotional and sometimes physically abused by my family especially my grandma and dad.

This should have been a total non issue and I'm livid with myself but it was just in the heat of the moment.

My grandma is relentless, if she doesn't agree with something she'll go on and on and on for weeks on end. She just doesn't stop.

An example of this is when I was pregnant with youngest DC she wanted me to have an abortion as I already have a child, I won't cope, my husbands forcing me into it (he wasn't) and then when I did put my foot down and said I weren't having an abortion, she started crying saying that the baby will kill her, it's one in and one out and look what happened to your dad (dad died when oldest DC was four weeks old) and it just went on and on.

Last weekend we took DC to see her and we were going out, she didn't like the pants DS was wearing, they were too small (they weren't), they were dirty (they weren't), the colour wasn't right whatever reason she could come up with and gave us some pants to change DS in to (which were actually too small) so to save argument I said I'd change DS pants at the venue whatever - I didn't because they were fine.

So for the last few days she's been asking me if I changed DS pants and to save arguments I said yes blah blah so she calls me a liar, starts questioning when I changed him in the car, the toilets whatever and it was just totally unnecessary and whatever but I always feel pressured to do what she wants or says for some reason but I just wanted the conversation to end and tried to move on and she said "swear on youngest DDs life you changed his pants and I was just like yeah whatever I swear and that ended to conversation.

I feel awful and absolutely livid with myself, it was just the heat of the moment of being questioned and shouted at and I just wanted it to end and feel I shouldn't have even been put in that position and I know it doesn't actually mean anything and I haven't cured DD to a death sentence but I'm just so sick of everything now and it's caused a lot of memories of abuse to come forward today ( I have CPTSD).

How do I deal with a mistake like this?

Your grandmother sounds absolute batshit! And I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but you're enabling her behaviour and it sounds like you have been all your life. You have your own family now, concentrate on them and go NC with the family who cause you issues. I had to do that with my maternal grandmother, after years and years of narcissistic abuse. Do it to preserve your mental health and your childrens going forward. Wishing you luck 💐

Apollo365 · 21/02/2024 08:33

Firstly I think you need to stop taking your children anywhere near this woman. Think about how she makes you feel. Exposing your children to this bully is not OK. They do not need to go through what you have and it’s your job to protect them.
Take a huge step back.
Secondly I get the swear on the life thing, I am superstitious too.
However you need to remember that a nasty person forced you into this and you know it was a lie that you swore on their life. Therefore meaningless. Your child will be ok OP. It’s called magical thinking. (I did a lot of CBT about this!)

The problem here is the nasty woman.

Apollo365 · 21/02/2024 08:34

If you feel weakness look at your second child and remember this woman tried to force you to abort them.

randomusernam · 21/02/2024 08:35

Honestly I would get some help to set clear boundaries with your gran. You should have said no the trousers are fine, I'm his mum I'm not changing them. If she carried on grey rock her. Just keep repeating the same sentence.

Do you really want your child to follow the pattern