I swore on her life even though I lied and feel terrible

[BlushingMermaid]

I just want to preface this as I don't want to drip feed but I've been emotional and sometimes physically abused by my family especially my grandma and dad.

This should have been a total non issue and I'm livid with myself but it was just in the heat of the moment.

My grandma is relentless, if she doesn't agree with something she'll go on and on and on for weeks on end. She just doesn't stop.

An example of this is when I was pregnant with youngest DC she wanted me to have an abortion as I already have a child, I won't cope, my husbands forcing me into it (he wasn't) and then when I did put my foot down and said I weren't having an abortion, she started crying saying that the baby will kill her, it's one in and one out and look what happened to your dad (dad died when oldest DC was four weeks old) and it just went on and on.

Last weekend we took DC to see her and we were going out, she didn't like the pants DS was wearing, they were too small (they weren't), they were dirty (they weren't), the colour wasn't right whatever reason she could come up with and gave us some pants to change DS in to (which were actually too small) so to save argument I said I'd change DS pants at the venue whatever - I didn't because they were fine.

So for the last few days she's been asking me if I changed DS pants and to save arguments I said yes blah blah so she calls me a liar, starts questioning when I changed him in the car, the toilets whatever and it was just totally unnecessary and whatever but I always feel pressured to do what she wants or says for some reason but I just wanted the conversation to end and tried to move on and she said "swear on youngest DDs life you changed his pants and I was just like yeah whatever I swear and that ended to conversation.

I feel awful and absolutely livid with myself, it was just the heat of the moment of being questioned and shouted at and I just wanted it to end and feel I shouldn't have even been put in that position and I know it doesn't actually mean anything and I haven't cured DD to a death sentence but I'm just so sick of everything now and it's caused a lot of memories of abuse to come forward today ( I have CPTSD).

How do I deal with a mistake like this?

Fucking hell OP, she's a narcissistic psycho! Get her out of your life!

You don’t deal with the mistake.

You deal with never letting her see you or your kids again. Just one of those things is justification enough.

You need to cut this woman out of your life.
Fwiw my mother quoted the “one in, one out” thing to me , nearly 50 years ago. I thought she was mad then ! There were other batty beliefs as well, I thought they’d all died out by now.

Your children will gain nothing from having a relationship with her.
You will get nothing but stress and grief.
You don’t have to say anything to her, no big announcement. Screen her calls, reply only by text. And the good old MN phrase ‘ that doesn’t work for me’ covers all. Do not engage with her madness ( and nastiness)

Your grandmother sounds like a lunatic. I don't understand why you go there at all, ever. I'd stop and never darken her door again and change my number and block hers and tell anyone who annoys me about her to go f themselves.
I don't understand why you would put yourself through this.
Unless of course she's loaded and near death and there's millions within reach that she's going to leave you. Otherwise Plan A.

This.
OP, your grandma sounds batshit.
Why would you go and visit her with the child she begged you to abort? What’s the superstitious nonsense about “one in, one out”?
She sounds horrible, you’re not obligated to keep visiting her.

I think you need to practise some stock phrases for next time you see her.

"I have heard your opinion, however, I do not need your advice in this area."
"This issue is not up for discussion. Let's change the subject."
"Grandma, if you continue to bring up this issue, then DC and I will leave."

You are entitled to boundaries.

You need to stop visiting her, just a phone call each week would be better.

You need to withdraw the relationship with your Grandma, go low contact or no contact if you have to. She is not going to change at her age and her attitude poison everything straight of by proxy.

Syrup seeing her. She’s toxic.

@DistingusedSocialCommentator

I'm sure she means well

I'm sure she doesn't. She sounds like an abusive toxic arse and has been all
her life, and saying this to the OP isn't helpful. She needs permission to cut this abuse out of her and her children's lives for good and I'm here for that.

Go non contact. She's vile.

She abused you as a child and she is continuing to do so through this sort of behaviour so you should remove yourself and your children and not allow her to have contact with any of you.

If you have not/are not receiving counselling for the abuse, please do seek help for this.

Agree with others you need to scale back your contact with her.

Also OP, the universe will know that you were not truly swearing on your DD’s life, you were under pressure from a very difficult and emotionally abusive person. I don’t know if you believe in all of that but if you do, just know that the Universise will not be out to get you or DD because of what you swore on.

She sounds ridiculously controlling and then cries if she Dosen’t get her own way, stand up to her and be firm, you will probably need to raise your voice for her to listen and take you seriously but still do it
You are an adult, she is treating you like an incapable child, I couldn’t be around that

She’s a bully!

The key thing here is to stop believing in superstition. Swearing on someone’s life doesn’t actually mean anything. One in one out is nonsense. It sounds like you’ve got these ideas from her, she doesn’t sound like the most reliable rational thinker, so why take on her beliefs?!

This is a non problem.

Put magical thinking out of your head; nothing is going to happen to your child.

Go NC with abusive people - problem solved.

I stopped reading half way through - why are you still in her contact with her?

Granny is clearly a bit thick. Or even a lot thick.
So if your children never have any children of their own then you all live forever, do you?
And if it was one in, one out, how come it wasn't granny who died instead of OP's dad? Seeing as she was older?
Bonkers.

There is no cosmic string, OP, you know that. DD will not have anything bad happen to her as a result of what you said.

You need to not see her any more. Just leave her to it, let her reap what she sowed years ago when abusing you then.

This totaly!
cut her out for good

what are you going this to yourself ?

Oh love! You've done nothing wrong. I slightly dramatic comparison but I just read an article about a woman who survived a lengthy kidnapping by telling her kidnapper whatever he wanted to hear (yes I promise on my mothers life that I love it here with you, no I sear I'll never run away). You were in a situation where you wanted to get away from a woman who has caused you a lot of trauma, triggered your fight or flight and you got out by saying what you needed to.
Nothing will happen to your daughter because of it.
You didn't do anything wrong.

How do I deal with a mistake like this

Your question @BlushingMermaid the answer is that you forgive yourself for making a statement you did not mean to stop someone who ISN'T a friend to you or good person to you . Make peace with yourself on this.

Next steps.... never allow this person to bamboozle you again - no visits, end calls whenever she starts up. Hang up, no fuss no drama, just end the call. It's like training a dog.

Nice towards you = more time with you
Harranging you and bullying = zero access to you and your family.

Don't explain, justify or apologise.

We're here for you whenever you need us, we have got your back - please let us help you feel better about yourself.

Just adding my voice to the many to say that she sounds absolutely deranged.

I hope you can see a path to reducing or stopping contact with her. She sounds like she brings so much negativity to your life. I'd highly recommend therapy if you haven't already tried it, it should be able to help you create some healthy boundaries and move forward to a happier existence. You don't owe toxic, abusive people anything - the pressuring you to get an abortion you didn't want would be sufficient reason alone to cut her off, just awful.

You did nothing wrong by the swearing thing, don't give it any more headspace - it means absolutely nothing and the woman needed shutting up.

You deal with it by no longer spending any time or having any contact with this woman. Why on earth are you still in touch with her??

swear on youngest DDs life

This is bollocks, isn't it? You know that. You can't 'swear on someone's life' their life isn't yours to give or take. So put it out of your mind. You were under pressure, you said something to end the conversation.

Your grandma is unpleasant and is dominating you with her nasty personality. You're vulnerable to that because you've had a lifetime of it. You are not to blame.

So. What now?

You're going to be amazed! Take some deep breaths and tell yourself, first, that you are not going to put up with this shit any longer.

When you visit grandma, if she steps out of line in any way, leave. Pick up your babies and leave. Immediately.

She will learn.

I've had to do this with various family members, including with my aunt, yesterday. Your grandmother sounds so much like my mother, who was a narcissist with multiple mental health conditions and as abusive as fuck. You can't make them right, turn them into the people you want them to be, but you can free yourself of the hold they have over you.

Do it. You can. Your life is going to be so much better.

You should have sworn on her life! What an awful sounding, nasty piece of work she is. Be good to yourself and limit your contact especially for your children.

Don’t spend LESS time with her.
Spend none!! Cut her out completely!
you don’t owe her anything
Just cut her off with no guilt. Start living your life the way YOU want to. And cut out anyone who tries to control you.