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Original poster

I swore on her life even though I lied and feel terrible

136 replies

BlushingMermaid · 20/02/2024 23:14

I just want to preface this as I don't want to drip feed but I've been emotional and sometimes physically abused by my family especially my grandma and dad.

This should have been a total non issue and I'm livid with myself but it was just in the heat of the moment.

My grandma is relentless, if she doesn't agree with something she'll go on and on and on for weeks on end. She just doesn't stop.

An example of this is when I was pregnant with youngest DC she wanted me to have an abortion as I already have a child, I won't cope, my husbands forcing me into it (he wasn't) and then when I did put my foot down and said I weren't having an abortion, she started crying saying that the baby will kill her, it's one in and one out and look what happened to your dad (dad died when oldest DC was four weeks old) and it just went on and on.

Last weekend we took DC to see her and we were going out, she didn't like the pants DS was wearing, they were too small (they weren't), they were dirty (they weren't), the colour wasn't right whatever reason she could come up with and gave us some pants to change DS in to (which were actually too small) so to save argument I said I'd change DS pants at the venue whatever - I didn't because they were fine.

So for the last few days she's been asking me if I changed DS pants and to save arguments I said yes blah blah so she calls me a liar, starts questioning when I changed him in the car, the toilets whatever and it was just totally unnecessary and whatever but I always feel pressured to do what she wants or says for some reason but I just wanted the conversation to end and tried to move on and she said "swear on youngest DDs life you changed his pants and I was just like yeah whatever I swear and that ended to conversation.

I feel awful and absolutely livid with myself, it was just the heat of the moment of being questioned and shouted at and I just wanted it to end and feel I shouldn't have even been put in that position and I know it doesn't actually mean anything and I haven't cured DD to a death sentence but I'm just so sick of everything now and it's caused a lot of memories of abuse to come forward today ( I have CPTSD).

How do I deal with a mistake like this?

OP posts:
TheOriginalEmu · 21/02/2024 01:11

BlushingMermaid · 20/02/2024 23:14

I just want to preface this as I don't want to drip feed but I've been emotional and sometimes physically abused by my family especially my grandma and dad.

This should have been a total non issue and I'm livid with myself but it was just in the heat of the moment.

My grandma is relentless, if she doesn't agree with something she'll go on and on and on for weeks on end. She just doesn't stop.

An example of this is when I was pregnant with youngest DC she wanted me to have an abortion as I already have a child, I won't cope, my husbands forcing me into it (he wasn't) and then when I did put my foot down and said I weren't having an abortion, she started crying saying that the baby will kill her, it's one in and one out and look what happened to your dad (dad died when oldest DC was four weeks old) and it just went on and on.

Last weekend we took DC to see her and we were going out, she didn't like the pants DS was wearing, they were too small (they weren't), they were dirty (they weren't), the colour wasn't right whatever reason she could come up with and gave us some pants to change DS in to (which were actually too small) so to save argument I said I'd change DS pants at the venue whatever - I didn't because they were fine.

So for the last few days she's been asking me if I changed DS pants and to save arguments I said yes blah blah so she calls me a liar, starts questioning when I changed him in the car, the toilets whatever and it was just totally unnecessary and whatever but I always feel pressured to do what she wants or says for some reason but I just wanted the conversation to end and tried to move on and she said "swear on youngest DDs life you changed his pants and I was just like yeah whatever I swear and that ended to conversation.

I feel awful and absolutely livid with myself, it was just the heat of the moment of being questioned and shouted at and I just wanted it to end and feel I shouldn't have even been put in that position and I know it doesn't actually mean anything and I haven't cured DD to a death sentence but I'm just so sick of everything now and it's caused a lot of memories of abuse to come forward today ( I have CPTSD).

How do I deal with a mistake like this?

What you need is better coping mechanisms to deal with her. If you can’t or aren’t ready for no contact then I suggest this:
she brings up a topic, you reply, she brings it up again/continues you say ‘I already answered you, let’s talk about something else, otherwise I’m leaving’ she continues you leave. You did this every time she pulls this. And then either she stops doing it or she doesn’t and then you say ‘if you continue to do this I won’t be coming back again’ and you leave.

Fraaahnces · 21/02/2024 01:13

Has your DG always been like this? You know it’s weird, controlling behaviour and honestly, I’d tell her to mind her business.

IloveAslan · 21/02/2024 01:21

Your gran sounds unhinged tbh. For your own sanity I think you need to keep away from her as much as possible.

BobbyBiscuits · 21/02/2024 01:27

She sounds utterly vile. You must step back from her and not allow her to try and control you in this horrific way.

She's obviously very superstitious with all this rubbish about "one in one out', which is probably why you are upset that you said the 'swear on her life' thing.

Firstly, don't say that phrase anyway as it clearly upsets you. And as you say it's meaningless. Secondly, don't ever go out of your way to pander to her paranoia and manipulation. Including lying to appease her mad nonsense.

Why should you be reduced to swearing on people's lives over your child's clothing that you chose for them to wear? It's none of her business.

If you can't stand up to her and say this then I would avoid seeing/ speaking to her as much as possible from now on.

Blueink · 21/02/2024 03:13

You might feel better to come clean and say why you said what you did, but only do so for your benefit, not hers.

Suggest minimise contact and only on your terms, perhaps a short visit when you are feeling well rested and most able to maintain firm boundaries.

Presumably you are having support for CPTSD? If not this could be helpful as her behaviour is likely to be impacting your MH.

Lwrenn · 21/02/2024 03:19

@BlushingMermaid, I spent my childhood wishing on various people's lives utter bullshit just to see if I could off them and nearly 30 years on they're all doing grand. Some too well if you ask me.

You really need to forgive yourself here, hope the old witch has a house land on her, be kinder to yourself. 💐

I echo some kind of therapy, something that allows you to talk about the abuse you've endured here. I'm so sorry you've been through this.

Guilt and shame are ways abusers make their victims feel, she fucking knew asking you to swear on your DDs life would riddle you with sadness and the conflicting fear if you never. Cunt!

Look at it this way, you told a lie to your abuser to temporarily shut up her abuse and stop it from continuing, it was a lie, not a signed death warrant. And most people lie daily. And not once in the history of the entire universe has some powerful entity taken a child from earth to punish their mum for a wee fib. And you I promise, you will not be the first.

LardoBurrows · 21/02/2024 03:20

Your Grandma sounds unhinged. I think you should go very low contact with her and try and access some counselling for the abuse you have suffered.

Chickenkeev · 21/02/2024 03:31

JMSA · 20/02/2024 23:19

Go non-contact with the nasty old bitch.

And next time make it her life you swear on! Grin

Please don't beat yourself up Flowers

This really. NC is not pleasant but necessary in some cases.

rollonretirementfgs · 21/02/2024 03:58

She sounds like a psycho.....limit contact asap!

Pinkfrlls · 21/02/2024 04:48

Your grandmother sounds absolutely crazy and I actually mean that seriously. Who cares about trousers on a toddler? Do you think a benevolent God would really punish a toddler because your grandmother bullied you mercilessly into saying something about their trousers under duress? Anyway, judging by the number of men who swear on their children's lives that they haven't been cheating when they have indeed been doing exactly that, the child mortality rates would soar if God followed through. My children absolutely adored my mother and she certainly didn't act this way towards them. She couldn't have cared less what they were wearing. She was too busy clambering over adventure playgrounds with them even when she wasn't at all young. I don't see why you continue to have anything to do with this horrible woman.

RawBloomers · 21/02/2024 04:56

Just keep making ridiculous swears every time she wants you to agree to something you aren’t going to do.

”Sell my car and by an electric bike, grandma? Of course I will, I swear on Beyonce’s life, I will.”

”Clear out the kids room and turn it into a museum for striped aprons, Grandma? Of course I will, I swear on DH’s silver glitter soul.”

Swearing on someone’s life doesn’t mean anything. Swearing something under duress doesn’t count. And swearing in general only holds the power the swearer and listener give it. You don’t (or shouldn’t) respect her and she’s not being reasonable. So stop worrying about whether you are lying to her or not.

Direstraightsagain · 21/02/2024 05:02

She needs help. It’s sounds like she’s got OCD. She’s thinking one thing will lead to something uncorrelated. And catastrophising.
Either way you need to distance yourself or assert yourself. You’re an adult and choose what trousers your child wears and whether you have a baby. .

Nationaltrustme · 21/02/2024 05:18

I'm very loathe to tell someone to go no contact but this woman needs to be far away from you and right out of your life. Get therapy and go no contact! This isn't a normal relationship. Who asks someone to have an abortion so they won't die!? It's crazy!

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 21/02/2024 05:31

She sounds quite unhinged. Could it be dementia on top of being a totally abusive person? In any case I would go for therapy and no contact.

In terms of your own mental gymnastics can you tell yourself that you have changed his pants since that time, just not in the timeframe she wanted.

I am hoping that where you are that pants mean trousers because if they mean underwear then she is even stranger and potentially grooming your son in some way.

Rosscameasdoody · 21/02/2024 06:27

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You seem nice.

Watercolourpapier · 21/02/2024 06:29

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Did you miss the bit where she said she's got CPTSD?

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 21/02/2024 06:41

You said some words, that’s all you did.

you didn’t harm your child. There is nothing to feel bad about!

your grandmother sounds unhinged. Distance and therapy sound good 👍

Porfirio · 21/02/2024 06:42

The pants seem to be a bigger issue to you rather than her suggesting an abortion!

If anyone had ever suggested that to me that I have an abortion I would never speak to them again.

There are no excuses for her behaviour.

I hope you see sense and cut her out of house life completely or if for some reason you still want contact, you say 'Shut up, you're talking nonsense.' if she ever starts saying stupid stuff again.

Itsbeginingtolookalotlikexmas · 21/02/2024 06:46

Swearing on someone’s life means nothing. You’ve done nothing wrong.
I think you need to remove your child from your toxic family though.

BingoMarieHeeler · 21/02/2024 06:49

I've been emotional and sometimes physically abused by my family especially my grandma and dad.

This is the same grandma right? She sounds utterly revolting. Don’t waste more of your life hanging out with her. She’s a terrible influence on your children and clearly has damaged you.

FlamingoQueen · 21/02/2024 06:49

It’s very odd that it’s all about pants! (Obv, I’m sure there must be plenty of other things too). I would remove yourself and ds from this situation and don’t speak to them again. This is not healthy.

newyear2024 · 21/02/2024 06:51

OP you really need to keep your distance with this woman, she is clearly mentally unwell with her thoughts, this isn't in any way normal and she is abusing you whether she realises it or not.

Please never leave your children alone with her and I would honestly be speaking to her doctor if it was my relation. She sounds like she needs medical help, this is beyond superstition

21ZIGGY · 21/02/2024 06:51

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You should be ashamed of yourself. The OP has been abused by this woman and is struggling with the long term effects.

I really dont think a public advice forum is the place for you given you clearly have such little empathy

Vallmo47 · 21/02/2024 06:56

I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this OP and I hope you have the strength and support from others in how to move forward without this influence in your life. I would gently ask myself if I was truly willing to let my children go through life with even a smidge of your nan’s negative influence. Put yourself and your children first and every day remind yourself that your mental well being matters too, not just hers.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 21/02/2024 06:57

OP, I am so sorry that you grew up with these twisted and deranged superstitions. The abortion thing - I have never heard anything like that. I really want you to know what a terrible thing it was to say that to you. It's not any part of a normal grandmother-grandchild relationship. And I assume you've been listening to stuff like that all your life. Please look for therapy locally so that you can make sense of all the awful things that she's said to you (if you're not already having it) and think about how to move past it and disengage.

Your DD is not going to die because you said "yes I swear" to your abuser. She'll be fine. Focus on this: if your grandmother really believes that you could put your DD at risk by swearing on her life, isn't it just absolutely disgusting that she put your DD in the way of that by asking you to swear on her life?