I swore on her life even though I lied and feel terrible

[BlushingMermaid]

I just want to preface this as I don't want to drip feed but I've been emotional and sometimes physically abused by my family especially my grandma and dad.

This should have been a total non issue and I'm livid with myself but it was just in the heat of the moment.

My grandma is relentless, if she doesn't agree with something she'll go on and on and on for weeks on end. She just doesn't stop.

An example of this is when I was pregnant with youngest DC she wanted me to have an abortion as I already have a child, I won't cope, my husbands forcing me into it (he wasn't) and then when I did put my foot down and said I weren't having an abortion, she started crying saying that the baby will kill her, it's one in and one out and look what happened to your dad (dad died when oldest DC was four weeks old) and it just went on and on.

Last weekend we took DC to see her and we were going out, she didn't like the pants DS was wearing, they were too small (they weren't), they were dirty (they weren't), the colour wasn't right whatever reason she could come up with and gave us some pants to change DS in to (which were actually too small) so to save argument I said I'd change DS pants at the venue whatever - I didn't because they were fine.

So for the last few days she's been asking me if I changed DS pants and to save arguments I said yes blah blah so she calls me a liar, starts questioning when I changed him in the car, the toilets whatever and it was just totally unnecessary and whatever but I always feel pressured to do what she wants or says for some reason but I just wanted the conversation to end and tried to move on and she said "swear on youngest DDs life you changed his pants and I was just like yeah whatever I swear and that ended to conversation.

I feel awful and absolutely livid with myself, it was just the heat of the moment of being questioned and shouted at and I just wanted it to end and feel I shouldn't have even been put in that position and I know it doesn't actually mean anything and I haven't cured DD to a death sentence but I'm just so sick of everything now and it's caused a lot of memories of abuse to come forward today ( I have CPTSD).

How do I deal with a mistake like this?

Nothing bad is going to happen to your little girl.

But maybe you could use the shock you feel at this to change her life for the better, by cutting contact with your abusive family.

If your children grow up seeing you being abused this way, they'll accept that for themselves.

Any time you feel bad at cutting contact, or guilted about not seeing her, remind yourself "I swore on my DD's life, and I'm upholding that pledge by giving her a different better life"

You have to distance yourself from her for your sake. From experience, I know that years of abuse can really make you question yourself, what she said about the abortion was so wrong but it becomes an acceptable conversation to you if you have become used to the abuse.

Your DD will be ok, but let this be a moment where you realise how much influence she has on your thoughts and actions. I have a similar person in my life who I have very limited contact with purely because I know that she uses every possible opportunity to exert control over me and make me do things that I don’t want to. Every interaction is calculated and manipulative and no matter how much I try to brush her comments off, she always gets in my head so the best thing is to limit contact with her. Everybody else laughs at her eccentricities and she gets away with it because they think she is a harmless, older lady who just talks a lot. She isn’t, she is abusive. I suspect it is the same here.

It is good that you have recognised that she is abusing you and now the next step for you is to remove yourself from her. It’s not easy because she will play on all your emotions but don’t cave and cut her out so you can be free.

Asking you to swear on someone's life is childish nonsense. You just wanted to shut her up. It doesn't matter. Give yourself a break. You did nothing wrong.

One in, one out 😂

That might not be the stupidest thing I've ever heard, but it's up there.

Whenever I see people on MN say “go NC”, I always roll my eyes because generally relationships aren’t binary like that. However, in this case you absolutely need to go NC, she sounds totally crackers.

Are you in the UK and is she originally from another culture?

Otherwise none of it makes sense.

Oh, @BlushingMermaid— your post just broke my heart.
I had a granny like yours - maybe not quite as bad, but bad. She started in early on me, too, and she’d get me alone and bully me.
So I guess self-preservation kicked in andI made sure to never get caught alone with her again. She didn’t like my mum, and I look exactly like my mum - she didn’t pick on any of the other grandchildren.
The odd thing is, I never told anyone she was mean to me - I never told my parents or siblings, not that they would’ve believed me.
But you! You’ve reached out - and you’ve gotten some excellent and consistent advice.
I look at this way: if you have a splinter & it hurts, take out the splinter. If you have a thorn in your foot, remove the thorn.
When something’s hurting you, remove the irritation.
It really is that simple. You don’t have to remove your grandma for good, maybe just separate yourself for awhile and see if your mental health doesn’t improve.
And concentrate on yourself and don’t let annybody guilt you into picking up the phone or going back over there sooner than you want — and DON’T THINK ABOUT apologising to grandma.
Just deep breaths and concentrate on you.
Much love.

I don't follow your meaning? Why would the gran being from another culture make more sense?

If you are on the phone and ever feel like the conversation is too much, just sat you are breaking up, I can’t hear you then hang up and block her number.

Avoid seeing her at all costs and definitely don’t let your children be exposed to this woman who clearly has I
issues

The only thing I think is unreasonable is allowing someone who physically and emotionally abused you as a child access to your own children.

What she’s saying is ridiculous but for all your sakes I would just cut off contact, given the history here! I hope you’re okay x

Firstly, your grandma sounds like an absolute lunatic. Honestly what a bloody drama, I couldn't live with that shit. Secondly, you do realise swearing on someone's life actually means...nothing? Like literally boring will come of it.

This is where you say “no this is ridiculous” and walk out. Stop giving in to her! She sounds unwell but your kids come first now.

You don't have to have this person in your life.

You should just go completely non contact. Cut her out of your life. My life is so much easier now that I have cut my narc of a mother out.

I also worry about the impact it would have on your children by being around her madness and seeing how she treats you.

If you can’t be strong and go NC from this toxic horror for yourself then do it for your children and protect them from accepting this sort of shit in their lives.

She sounds toxic. Cut her out of your life.

Normally I'd say oooh yeah you were out of order.

However, you say you have been physically and emotionally abused by this woman? She doesn't care about your feelings so pay this no mind and don't feel guilty. Ditch the bitch though. Nasty old coffin dodger.

Gosh, never ceases to amaze me what people put up with because “Family…” what are you getting out of this relationship OP? She sounds incredibly hard work and quite mad. Go on your own if you must, but don't expose your kids to this weirdness.

How do you deal with it?
By stopping putting yourself and your kids through visiting her!
Or at the very least don't subject your kids to her. You have a choice, they don't.

100% what @Merryoldgoat and @Cascais said in the first two reply posts of this thread.

She might be your grandmother but there is absolutely nothing positive that she is bringing at this point in either of your lives to your relationship. She is cranky and interfering and to be honest, coming across as a typical battleaxe that you don't want to get on the wrong side of so you agree to or say whatever you need to in order to diffuse the situation. That is no way to show your kids how to behave in polite company.

You have two options - either ignore EVERYTHING and I mean every single thing that she says and repeat in your head "She's a silly old lady who doesn't know any better at this point" or something similar. The other option is that you give her an ultimatum by replying to her "Granny - I am their mother. Where my kids are concerned, I will make the decisions. I will decide what they wear. If you keep this up, I will decide that we're no longer going to visit you as it's not a pleasant way for us to spend our time. So what is it to be?"
Put her back in her box. If she carries on, gather the children's belongings and head home. As you're doing this say "I gave you the choice to be polite and leave the decisions relating to my children to me but you couldn't help yourself so we're now leaving. Kids, say good bye to Granny" and then leave. Don't go back. Don't respond to the flying monkeys (relatives sent in your general direction with the sole purpose of grinding you down until you relent). When or if she realises the error of her ways, she will be the one to make contact with you and hopefully apologise.

This.

Time to cut ties, get some therapy and healing and make better patterns for your children.

She is abusive.

Go low or no contact with her, that’s how.

Hello OP

We are all different, different standards etc, different stress levels, etc, etc, etc

The only solution I can see is, visit her less and the less again until you find her behaviour acceptable.

I'm sure she means well, but it does not seem like that to you and that is what counts, therefore, see her a lot less and may be she will get the message Also, consider being blunt with her in a polite way, if you are up to it

Good luck

Because of the superstitions she has.