Absolutely fed up with dh

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Ugh. Just annoyed with him. He is becoming a real grumpy old man and it shows. (There is a 10 year age gap which I never viewed as a problem up until recently).

He is great in the house. Cooks, cleans, helps with the kids even though I'm still very much the default parent. He's generous with money. But my god is he dull. He has no drive to do anything or go anywhere. He would never think of planning a holiday or a family day out. He doesn't socialise with friends, only leaves the house for a work and to walk the dog.

He's easily irritated by the dc - mostly my tween son from a previous marriage. He's kind and generous to him (we've been together since ds was 4 so we are a family) but he has no patience with typical teenage attitude or silliness. Ds was just messing around before bed, talking in a daft voice and dh sits there sighing and rolling his eyes.

Then because we can't agree what to watch on tv he goes in a mood. I honestly can't cope with his grumpiness and lack of desire to do anything. I sometimes think about how nice it would be to live alone (we both wfh so are probably together way too much as well).

Objectively I know he's a good man. And I know we are in the tough stages of parenting (with no help so no breaks), work, chores and very little time for each other. But i just dont know if our personalities are compatible anymore. He isnt pleasant to be around at times. He is good practically but there is no romance, just moodiness and rows over the telly. How do you know when enough is enough? I couldnt cope on my own financially and we really do rely on each other in order to work too. But when our shared dc is older i really dont know if this is the life i want forever. Sorry for the rant. Am i expecting too much?

No. You are not asking for too much. I couldn't cope with someone who didn't want to do anything, and my Dh is in his fifties. We are still going places and doing stuff, not in the week but at least at the weekend.

Sounds very similar to me and my husband. He's a good man just a bit boring and we don't seem to spend any time together at the moment. We do have 2 kids under 2 though so its an exhausting and hormonal time.

We've started having "date nights" once a week where we make the effort to have a cuddle and watch telly together.

Hope you are ok! Just wanted to let you know you aren't alone x

Oh @user1487424951 with 2 under 2 ,he can be forgiven for being boring.

I know we have a lot on our plates and now isn't the time for rash decisions. Our toddler doesn't sleep well and we're knackered on top of it all. But it's just draining being with someone who never wants to do anything. Always finds excuses. Complains about trivial things. Sulks. There is very little enjoyment in life and he makes me feel worse sometimes.

Oh, you have a non-sleeping toddler. I was quite grumpy when I had a toddler. Hmmm, I thought you were older and had older DC.

What does he say if you arrange something like a meal out?

I have a tween dc from previous marriage and we have a toddler together.

If I arranged something he'd go but he'd never think to organise anything himself. We don't really get the option to do that much anyway as no help with the little one.

Definitely don't make any decisions if you are not sleeping well. I do think this will get better when the toddler grows up.

Does he actually feel bored, or is he happy with things like this?

What happens if you throw a curve ball like proposing you cook together, play a board game or computer game, do a yoga video etc? Sounds like you're stuck in a rut. He does need some independent social activity but watching TV all the time is really dull.

My DH is similar to be honest. He would never ever suggest we do anything or plan anything. Tbf he's always been like that even before kids. It's shit because organising fun stuff to do as a family or as a couple just becomes yet another chore or item on the to do list for me. I would love him to take the initiative and have told him so many millions of times but it's just not in his dna.

I feel the same as you on a regular basis- I wonder how I ended up here with this person with whom I seem to have little in common. However like you we are in the thick of it with young children and rely on each other practically and financially. I do care about him still too (I don't use the word love because I don't feel very in love right now). I'm knackered tbh. And I feel bad because I'm sure I seem knackered and stressed to the kids and it's probably obvious I don't have a lot to say to their dad other than to ask him to do stuff or moan at him.

This is exactly how I feel. And part of me often thinks 'life is too short to be with someone like this' but then the practical side thinks what about the kids/house/money etc. So while I know now isn't a good time to do anything major, I just don't know how to enjoy life and feel fulfilled while I'm with someone like this.

A tween and a toddler are exhausting in your thirties so I can't imagine how tiring it must be in your fifties.

Thing is, this will pass and you'll have child free time later.

What do you have in common?

What do you enjoy?

Do you have support for babysitting etc?

I'd be planning things to do together.

Yes I know it shouldn't all be on you. But someone's got to start thins or it will be more of the same.

I agree with @CharlotteRumpling - a tween and a toddler and not much help is exhausting. I think things will improve when you're both a bit less tired and have more quality time together.

I'm in a similar boat. I adore my husband, but I have to organise everything.

I came to terms with this years ago. We learnt to communicate far better.

Now, I give him options on what he can choose to do. He knows that he can't opt out and has to pick something.

That said, my husband has a brain injury, so it's not the same dynamic

Your DH is ten years older than you, dis you not think the age gap would be an issue at some point?

There is a huge difference in attitude and health between say 40 and 50, you can't ignore a huge age gap like that.

You have a teenager from a different marriage and now a toddler with another man, again a huge age gap, and something you seem to be wilfully ignoring. You say "we are a family", to be brutal, your DH is not your tweens father, and will never feel the same way about your son as he does about his own child, so you have to expect a certain degree of distance and even intolerance, I doubt you would be too pleased with if your DH had a 12 year old who kept annoying you. Doesn't matter what the kid was doing, we can all find things annoying for various reasons.

You day he's a good man and does stuff around the house, so apart from not having and friends (which may be a reason for his moods) and being older than you, what has he done?

You don't come across as very supportive, you just seem to want things your way.

You married with a huge age gap and had kids with a huge age gap, and now you are complaining that those choices had consequences.

@CharlotteRumpling well, yes and no haha. Similar to other posters my husband doesn't organise anything, he always finds the negatives in whatever activity I've booked for the kids and hes worse then my 17 month old for whinging when he doesn't get his own way! It's just hard

This thread is giving me hope things will get easier as the kids get older though, so thanks everyone!

@Hereyoume perhaps I went into it naively but the age gap was never an issue in the beginning. He didn't act 10 years older than me and other than the fact that we grew up in different eras and have different music tastes and things like that, it's never been an issue. I'm not sure that it's his age, more his personality that's the problem.

It isn't about wanting things my way. It's about having a partner who lifts me up and makes an effort like I try to do with him. It can't all be one way. When I'm in a perfectly good mood and having a joke with my ds I don't expect someone miserable to be sat in the corner rolling his eyes at us. What's the need for that?

We are a family albeit a blended one. It isn't uncommon and while I accept he may not feel the same way about my son than his bio child, he went into a relationship with a young child involved and claimed he'd always be man enough to deal with it. Again perhaps it was naive of me to take everything he said as gospel but I could only work with how he was at the time. Which was a much happier, fun, tolerant version of himself than he is now.

I accept life is hard at the moment but I try to keep some enjoyment and enthusiasm going for us all. He just doesn't bother.

I’m 48. If I now had a toddler to look after I would be knackered !!!!

There seem to have been quite a few threads about grumpy older men recently, sounds like your husband is heading that direction.

I couldn't put up with it so would have to have it out with him, apart from anything else it's just so unattractive. I'm not at all surprised you're not happy.

Tell him straight - but perhaps not after a really bad night with the toddler …

The grumpiness is very unattractive. He’s feeling stressed he needs to do something positive- he could go for a short walk and come back calmer. I couldn’t tolerate sitting in the house moaning.

Have you spoken to him about it?

Many times. He tends to just sulk. Nothing changes. He uses the fact we have kids as an excuse not to do anything and while I appreciate life and days out can be more trickier with little ones, I'm also not willing to spend my life indoors until they're grown up either. Especially when he makes such a bad atmosphere at home when he's in one of his moods.

I think you need to let go a little of what you think life SHOULD be like and look at realities.

A. You have a toddler and tween. It's going to be hard, harder if you're older. You have a long time of needing to give very different kinds of support to your kids. Maybe it's overwhelming your DH. You are likely less patient and accepting because you're sleep deprived.

B. What would life be like without him? Financially, physically (does your son ever go to his Dad or would you have him all the time?), emotionally (do you discuss the kids? Get support from him in this way?).

It might feel like 'no way to live' but it's his way to live (I'm assuming he's always been a bit like this). I remember having a massive argument with DH pre-children because I wanted to go to a firework display which was just across the road and he said we could see it just as well from the window!! That just wasn't the same for me. This whole being boring thing has been a theme since then but I've accepted this with my DH now. I organise everything we do, even if it's just going on a walk, and I've become OK with that. He does it even though he'd be just as happy watching TV. And he'll generally enjoy it but it's definitely up to me to sort it - from holidays to inviting people round.

It sounds like you would be happier without him.

I am particularly concerned about your DS who must be aware his stepdad is irritated by him.

How old is DH. PP have commented that its harder in your 50s but is hejust 50 or nearly 60. There's a huge difference.

But i just dont know if our personalities are compatible anymore.

"Any more" is doing heavy lifting in this sentence. Were they ever compatible?

He's a homebody who doesn't want to spend his life getting out and about. That's a completely acceptable way to be. It's who he is. And of course it'll be exacerbated by being knackered (especially as it seems he works hard enough to earn good money). I highly doubt he was ever the kind of man who always had to be on the go, couldn't sit still, always planning activities etc.

So... you overlooked this incompatibility because he was good on paper and you wanted someone who was "generous with money"? I don't think it's fair to turn around and only now realise you're not into his personality.

FWIW I know many couples where one person is a homebody and the other is a social butterfly, and they get on because they accept each other the way they are and don't try to force them to change themselves. The sociable half happily does their thing with friends and family, the homebody happily chills at home.