Absolutely fed up with dh

[fusspot25]

Ugh. Just annoyed with him. He is becoming a real grumpy old man and it shows. (There is a 10 year age gap which I never viewed as a problem up until recently).

He is great in the house. Cooks, cleans, helps with the kids even though I'm still very much the default parent. He's generous with money. But my god is he dull. He has no drive to do anything or go anywhere. He would never think of planning a holiday or a family day out. He doesn't socialise with friends, only leaves the house for a work and to walk the dog.

He's easily irritated by the dc - mostly my tween son from a previous marriage. He's kind and generous to him (we've been together since ds was 4 so we are a family) but he has no patience with typical teenage attitude or silliness. Ds was just messing around before bed, talking in a daft voice and dh sits there sighing and rolling his eyes.

Then because we can't agree what to watch on tv he goes in a mood. I honestly can't cope with his grumpiness and lack of desire to do anything. I sometimes think about how nice it would be to live alone (we both wfh so are probably together way too much as well).

Objectively I know he's a good man. And I know we are in the tough stages of parenting (with no help so no breaks), work, chores and very little time for each other. But i just dont know if our personalities are compatible anymore. He isnt pleasant to be around at times. He is good practically but there is no romance, just moodiness and rows over the telly. How do you know when enough is enough? I couldnt cope on my own financially and we really do rely on each other in order to work too. But when our shared dc is older i really dont know if this is the life i want forever. Sorry for the rant. Am i expecting too much?

If he didn't used to be like this I'm not sure why you are assuming it's an age thing - he sounds depressed to me. Men often feel like they can't talk about things so it's more likely to come out as apathy and grumpiness and avoiding socialising.

I would do some research first then try to talk to him - particularly if he's older he's probably been raised to believe real men don't cry etc, so it may take a few attempts for him to open up.

My husband has had severe anxiety since childhood and didn't realise until his late 30s because men don't talk about how they feel and he assumed everyone went through life with the same level of fear you get on a rollercoaster. The right pills from the doctor changed his life.

@Hartley99 that's my experience too

Maybe he’s struggling himself with things? He sounds like he may be depressed if he has no interest in anything. ask him if he’s going through anything atm what he’s finding hard ? seems to be all about you thinking he’s boring. In turn tell him what you would like from him too. It works both ways. You won’t get anywhere without discussing with him how he’s feeling how you’re feeling & what you both want. Talk and talk some more and keep talking. If he doesn’t talk make it clear to him you’re struggling for x y z and your relationship will suffer end if things don’t get better. asking the internet isn’t going to help. The only people who can work it out are you and him. Good luck.

In addition have you considered he maybe not getting what he wants from you either? Ask him. And in turn he needs to listen to you too. But you both need to agree you’re not going to argue over it and listen and really HEAR one another not just moan. Theres a difference. Write it all in a letter to one another if it’s easier. Good luck

I would sit down and have a real talk about it. Is it possible he’s struggling with depression or similar? My DH had a real low point (work related burnout) and was grumpy, no enthusiasm for going out or doing anything. He changed jobs and we changed other things in our lives and he’s back to how he was when he was younger - plenty of energy, goes out with friends and is back to planning things - even just little things like taking an initiative to book us tickets for something or organising dinner out or whatever.

OP, I don't think the issue is his age, or the age gap, or the kids, or even the fact that he doesn't want to do anything (my DH is similar there). I think the real issue is the fact that he won't engage in healthy communication but uses manipulative behaviour like moods and sulking. Check out covert emotional abuse - these are common tactics.

I would start by making it absolutely clear that you will not tolerate either of these behaviours, as both are highly destructive not only to your relationship but also to your family. But you might have to be serious that you are prepared to end the relationship rather than put up with any more of it.

Agree to take it in turns organising something. You go first. incorpoate a kid related activity and grown ups one.
for example:
spanish day on a Saturday in a couple of weeks
play Spanish activities music
speak some spanish
cook Spanish food
watch a Spain related film in the eve
drink Spanish cocktails

this is easy for your husband to replicate on Italy or France for example
the fun is in the planning and getting everyone’s ideas

He sounds exactly like my Dad. Honestly winds my mum up something chronic with his grumpiness! They get under each others feet as well both being retired. I always notice they seem much happier and more connected after they have been on holiday. Could you arrange some time away with him just the 2 of you? See if that gives you a chance to reconnect and bring some fun back into your lives?

"there is a 10 year age gap"

Herein lies the problem. You married someone far older than you for the financial stability. He will (rightly in my opinion) expect you to look after him and eventually nurse him in his old age.
It is you who is going back on the unsaid/unwritten deal.

You should probably split up now so he (and you) still have a chance of meeting someone new).

It's really not possible to have time away together. In 2.5 nights we've managed a couple of days out by booking annual leave on the days our toddler is at nursery but never had a night out or away together.

I understand he's probably knackered and stressed. Maybe I'm not being very understanding. It's just that we are in it together and when one of us is bringing the other down it's even harder. I know these years are only temporary having done it once already with my older child. But by the time things start to improve I'm unsure how much of our relationship will be left to salvage. He doesn't seem to understand how annoying I find his sulking and grumpiness despite me trying to tell him (both calmly and by losing my shit).

Please don't tell me why I married someone, it's very presumptuous and not at all true.

He was a different person when we got married but then again life was much different then too.

Age gap relationships come with issues, I've never been in denial about that. But I think your view is simplistic, insulting quite silly.

It's really not possible to have time away together. In 2.5 nights we've managed a couple of days out by booking annual leave on the days our toddler is at nursery but never had a night out or away together.

That age is when you should enjoy having all the time in the world to do what you want because your children are coping on their own or have already moved out.

I know you say he was a different person then, but when you decided to have a child that late surely you both must have thought about what the future would or could be like.
But, it is what it is op and you still have a future and it is all yours to decide over.

OP, if you have spoken to him about it (gently) and it isn't getting you anywhere, are you able to stay away by yourself (with kids) for a couple of nights? Sometimes we all need to think about how life would be if our relationships don't work out to know that we either need to try much harder to make it work, or that actually we would probably be happier thanks very much. Your husband sounds very stuck in a rut but if that is making you unhappy and he doesn't appreciate that / want to make an effort to make you happy, that is the real issue. If he is having a hard time and maybe feeling a bit depressed, he needs to talk to you so you can work it out together and you not feel like this might be it forever. It's hard when everyone is tired and it's only healthy communication that will see you both through. I do agree with a PP that you should also get out and do things that make you and the kids happy, with or without him. You will find a tense / dull atmosphere at home easier to deal with if you are feeling fulfilled in other areas. Good luck!

Honestly I think you need to take turns working from a co work space or one of you needs to get a non work from home job. No wonder you find him dull, you spend all your waking time in the same space as him. It's not healthy. You would probably find him less dull and find his grumpness less irritating if you spent alot less time with him.

I don't think you need to split up. You both need to get some space.

I wouldn't make a decision just yet as there's no abuse, but I would certainly think that at some point I'd be independent of him, so I would be gearing work etc with that in mind. I'd also do something like join a gym or running club and I'd make sure I got out of the house at some point over the weekend, even if it's just to have a coffee with a friend. Fill your own life with interesting things and when it's time for you both to part, you'll find it easier to cope on your own.

I understand how you must feel but to be honest I can't sympathise. Men go through midlife issues too and yet we as women expect them to be there for us and do their best to help. Surely this should be reciprocated

You say he's really good in every other way. There are women here who would love to be able to say the only issue I have is bickering over the TV and not arranging my leisure time. I make all the suggestions for my leisure time with DH because he's a bit of a workaholic. I know when it's time for him to take a step back and he always agrees. I prefer it that way. If I was you I'd have a long chat with him and try to sort things out between you both.

It’s scary how quick pps are to tell people to chuck a marriage away, even and especially when kids are involved.

I have been there! I stayed too long and regret not leaving earlier. The moment I left my life started it is wonderful.

I have a 10 year gap. Wasn't an issue when I was in my 20s. I wouldn't have chosen a man that much older, but I thought he was younger when I met him.. then I fancied him, then I loved him and that was that.

Anyway. He was a miserable bastard for most of his late 40s, until he started taking anti depressants. He's much more like the man he was now, but I'm hitting peri menopause so everything he does annoys the fuck out of me.

This is a pretty gross response.

Ask him if he'll come to marriage counselling with you. You deserve to be happy and might help him if he's depressed to pinpoint where and how you can live together in a healthier mindset and space. Big hugs to you OP!

Can’t believe people churn out a load of old shit like this.

millymog11 · Today 14:50

"there is a 10 year age gap"

Herein lies the problem. You married someone far older than you for the financial stability. He will (rightly in my opinion) expect you to look after him and eventually nurse him in his old age.
It is you who is going back on the unsaid/unwritten deal.

You should probably split up now so he (and you) still have a chance of meeting someone new).

You should probably refrain from posting stupid, ignorant comments to someone you know nothing about.

How bloody rude!

tbs I am mid forties and the thought of a tween AND toddler makes me shudder!! I would be grumpy and knackered too.