Absolutely fed up with dh

[fusspot25]

Ugh. Just annoyed with him. He is becoming a real grumpy old man and it shows. (There is a 10 year age gap which I never viewed as a problem up until recently).

He is great in the house. Cooks, cleans, helps with the kids even though I'm still very much the default parent. He's generous with money. But my god is he dull. He has no drive to do anything or go anywhere. He would never think of planning a holiday or a family day out. He doesn't socialise with friends, only leaves the house for a work and to walk the dog.

He's easily irritated by the dc - mostly my tween son from a previous marriage. He's kind and generous to him (we've been together since ds was 4 so we are a family) but he has no patience with typical teenage attitude or silliness. Ds was just messing around before bed, talking in a daft voice and dh sits there sighing and rolling his eyes.

Then because we can't agree what to watch on tv he goes in a mood. I honestly can't cope with his grumpiness and lack of desire to do anything. I sometimes think about how nice it would be to live alone (we both wfh so are probably together way too much as well).

Objectively I know he's a good man. And I know we are in the tough stages of parenting (with no help so no breaks), work, chores and very little time for each other. But i just dont know if our personalities are compatible anymore. He isnt pleasant to be around at times. He is good practically but there is no romance, just moodiness and rows over the telly. How do you know when enough is enough? I couldnt cope on my own financially and we really do rely on each other in order to work too. But when our shared dc is older i really dont know if this is the life i want forever. Sorry for the rant. Am i expecting too much?

I agree! Divorce is staggeringly painful. Never mind all the stuff about duty, and promises, and how it will impact the kids; it really, really hurts!

What a lovely example of true love ❤️

For the TV solution can you not get a second TV. My dh watches his choice in dining room and I watch what I want in sitting room in 20 years I can't remember sitting together watching anything.
He too, has never organised any days out any holidays. We never go out together.
He works shifts so nearly always tired.
It just how it works for us.
We do have dinner with the teenagers the days he is on nights.
Most men don't even be involved in buying Xmas gifts or birthday presents.
My dh is grumpy too and I'm menopausal .
I actually left the washing this week to see what would happen and he told dd2 to do it today as she was on a day off he thinks because I work from home I should get everything done.
My day is up at 7 make breakfast do school run back home start work, make dinner light fire do school pickup, pick dd2 up from work.
All this comes out my working day so I end up working late into evening.
He does the weekly shopping and that's it. All other house work is me and kids.

OP has he changed or have you.
I think the early years are tough on parents.

I feel for you, it can’t be much fun living like this. It sounds concerning that your DP seems down a lot of the time and seems to have lost interest in things (friends, hobbies etc). Has he always been like this or has it been a gradual change? Could he be depressed? How is he at communicating his feelings generally and how might he feel about the idea of accessing some support (a social group/walking group/or counselling) if he is unhappy or just wants to feel differently (e.g more motivation).

My DH used to be like this then he read this book called the Secret and now he's got so much more get up and go.

Secret https://amzn.eu/d/b0h1W9a

Appreciate I sound like a troll/spammer/MLM Hun but it's actually true! I keep meaning to get round to reading it because it's genuinely sparked something in him and given him purpose. I'm alright myself. I've got my purpose thanks. But it probably wouldn't hurt for me to read it and see what the fuss is about!

that book can be useful but its a mix at best

Yes, space is definitely needed, OP. Could you find a movie he and your tween DC would enjoy and send them off to see it together, giving you and toddler a precious few hours alone? Or leave him with the toddler and you and your DC go out for a few hours one-on-one time. Or a combination?

You'll have to make all the arrangements, of course, but the end result will be a break from routine for both of you.

Do you have family or friends you could visit with one or both DC, maybe a night's stayover?

Just change the usual routine here and there, and maybe he'll relax and enjoy himself a bit to where you could plan something for the four of you which he might enjoy.

No good saying why should OP do all the planning because at the moment, that's just the way it is. But it might lead to him being less grumpy. Worth a go, I think.

Id say its time for relationship counselling.

If he is constantly like a black storm cloud its creates an awful atmosphere

I could of nearly written your posts op, minus the older child from previous relationship. 10 year gap between dh and I. I feel like he changed when we had kids, although part of me does also wonder if he hid this side of him or if I was to blind to see it. I almost fantasise about a life without him, happier and minus the sulks but like you feel like we have and can give the kids a much nicer life if we're together, financially etc. Don't really have any advise but I know how you feel.

@fusspot25 as someone who's survived 40 + years of marriage, I want to encourage you to hang in there. When it all feels too hard, remember those days you woke up glad you were together.

Posters have suggested lots of ways to tweak your family dynamics and the way your relationship works: only you will know which might work for you. But I do think you both need a bit of space.

Obviously, you want the four of you to feel and operate as a family. Is a joint activity/interest for DH and DS worth considering? Chess? Shared sport via tv if not IRL. Geo-caching?

Cd you take it in turns to do something special with each child: eg one week DH takes toddler to swings, you take DS swimming; next week DH takes DS fishing, you take toddler to baby music group; next week you all go to indoor play and a Harvester meal out. Or whatever feels appropriate for your family.

I do hope you get through this dry patch.

Best wishes.

Sounds like he’s miserable with life too. Maybe he just isn’t happy with you so doesn’t really do anything, as not interested in doing things with you? It happens often that a man appears sullen and miserable in a marriage, the couple part ways, he meets someone else and is totally different because he’s happier in his new relationship. Could be that you are just both making each other miserable and aren’t compatible, so it’s time for you to start over again with someone else. Life’s too short.

Shit! You ladies are brutal! Only joking! Some great concerns, but also some great suggestions on how to improve the situation. All I can say is men connect with you, whether you like it or not via sex. We are simple Neanderthals.

🤦‍♀️🤣

He's old to be a parent of a toddler. It always annoys me when I read articles about women who've had fertility treatment etc to have babies late, with lots of frothing about how they'll 'cope' and the exhaustion. Never seen similar debate and concern expressed about the men who come to fatherhood late, naturally. It could just be that he's left it too late or he might have medical issues. Grumpiness, low mood, lack of motivation and tiredness can be low testosterone in men of that age, has he had this checked? Certainly produces similar symptoms in women.

My husband doesn't organise things either but he will go out and he is not grumpy and we don't have a 10 year age gap or young children. From the sound of it he brings some good things to the relationship but the grumpiness and sulkiness is bringing you down. That possibly indicates he is depressed if he wasn't like it when you met and having young children in your 50s is tiring so I would not immediately rush to throw the relationship away.

You do need to talk to him though to see if he thinks that you can salvage your marriage if you both want to. I would take whatever space you can get from him given you are together 24/7 which I do not think is healthy for any relationship. Can you go out with friends one evening or go to the gym or cinema or whatever? You could encourage him to do the same or take up a hobby. I get that is not easy when you are tired but making time for yourself even if you just take yourself off for a bath and read in bed while he is watching TV may given you some space as you just seem to be both getting on each others nerves.

Can't help on the irritating DS as he simply may just be irritating to your DH or he is on a short fuse. Rolling his eyes is a bit passive aggressive but not worth divorcing over.

Why don’t you find your own hobbie and/or go out yourself one evening? It would give you some enjoyment in life and may encourage him to do the same. On the weekends, plan to do things with the kids that he can choose to come with you, hopefully he’ll start tagging along and you’ll get in a more fun routine. Have a discussion on the TV earlier in the day and don’t bother sitting down to watch it if you don’t have a programme in mind. It’s probably a case of being too tired by the time you actually sit down to watch it. Only you know if you want to stay in the relationship but some ideas to give it a go if that’s what you want.

Yes I fantasise about a life alone too! A little house of my own, none of his mess to tidy up, no debates about tv. But I know in reality I'd probably miss him and the things he does behind the scenes.

Last night another example. We were discussing a summer holiday and he suggested somewhere he'd like to go. A breakthrough I thought! So I gently suggested maybe since I have all the other life admin to sort maybe he could have a look at some deals. Immediately he went off the idea, he just cannot be arsed to plan anything. And then it all becomes another chore for me.

We were discussing a summer holiday and he suggested somewhere he'd like to go. A breakthrough I thought! So I gently suggested maybe since I have all the other life admin to sort maybe he could have a look at some deals. Immediately he went off the idea, he just cannot be arsed to plan anything. And then it all becomes another chore for me.

OP, why not say exactly this to him? I think it's time to stop being gentle, tbh, and start making his attitude his problem.

Has he got depression?

Could you join an evening sports club or some kind of hobby group? Leave him at home with the kids and get yourself out to do something fun for yourself!

If you can afford to do it how about deciding a couple of days out a month and put them in your calendar so you do them? Like the zoo, walk and ice creams, theater (they do lots of kids shows!). You might all look back and be sad you didn't have this family time while your your toddler is young.

Could he be depressed? If he hasn't always been like this

I'm not sure if this has been mentioned yet but could he be depressed? It sounds like there's been a big change in his personality in a short space of time, and I know that time includes gaining young children but men can get post natal depression too. Beyond that I would suggest therapy as it sounds like you're trying to communicate your unhappiness and he's either not knowing how unhappy you are or simply doesn't care. If it's the former there's probably hope, if it's the latter there probably isn't.

A huge amount of men get like this from what I’ve seen. I think it’s actually nature. My husband was quite happy to settle down with the kids and not go anywhere. We only have a social life due to me.

However, that’s just the way it is. I socialise with my friends separately as well. He actually likes staying in and just watching telly so I never force him to do things he doesn’t want to. We however do a lot more now the kids have got older and don’t need us.

He is also quite grumpy but again I think that’s relatively normal the older you get. I’m quite a grumpy old lady too.

Tweens/teenagers are incredibly annoying! I'd say from 12 to 15 is the peak stage of being selfish, loud, pushing boundaries, immature and so on. But this is all totally normal behaviour and as parents we have to give them grace, this might be harder with your DH being a stepdad.
I think it is all too easy to forget what we were like at that age, I know was a demon in comparison to my DC and thank God they are more laid back like my DH.
The issue is your DH reacting so obviously impatient and hostile toward your DS's behaviour. It is making you piggy in the middle and is only going to set up a rivalry for your attention when your DS notices it too. Your DH is the adult in the situation and he needs to bit his lip and grow up, in a few years your DS will be a young man and all the silly crap goes out the window. Why parents and stepparents jeopardise a healthy future relationship over not being able to cope with a couple of annoying years is odd. Unless they are literal delinquents of course.
The general moodiness and lack of motivation is something else though. It sounds a bit like a mid life crisis, which can manifest in many different ways. Where some men will go out and buy a fancy car, or have an affair others will withdraw and become depressed. Do you suspect he has unfulfilled dreams? Does he feel trapped by the monotony of everyday? Has he achieved the things he would have liked to at his age? These are all things you need a serious chat about.

Yeah totally, I often think, what do you actually bring to the party? Just extra mess for me to tidy. It would be more enjoyable without you. My biggest struggle without him would be having the kids on my own, because he doesn't do anything out with work, he's very reliable, like walking the dog etc. So I have decided to put any thought of separating out of my head until at least both kids are at school (I hope by then the stress of toddler life will be over and he'll have brightened up a bit!)
I feel bogged down that all the life choices are on me. Dito, if i didn't actually make an effort to organise things we would just do nothing and get no where in life.