Absolutely fed up with dh

[fusspot25]

Ugh. Just annoyed with him. He is becoming a real grumpy old man and it shows. (There is a 10 year age gap which I never viewed as a problem up until recently).

He is great in the house. Cooks, cleans, helps with the kids even though I'm still very much the default parent. He's generous with money. But my god is he dull. He has no drive to do anything or go anywhere. He would never think of planning a holiday or a family day out. He doesn't socialise with friends, only leaves the house for a work and to walk the dog.

He's easily irritated by the dc - mostly my tween son from a previous marriage. He's kind and generous to him (we've been together since ds was 4 so we are a family) but he has no patience with typical teenage attitude or silliness. Ds was just messing around before bed, talking in a daft voice and dh sits there sighing and rolling his eyes.

Then because we can't agree what to watch on tv he goes in a mood. I honestly can't cope with his grumpiness and lack of desire to do anything. I sometimes think about how nice it would be to live alone (we both wfh so are probably together way too much as well).

Objectively I know he's a good man. And I know we are in the tough stages of parenting (with no help so no breaks), work, chores and very little time for each other. But i just dont know if our personalities are compatible anymore. He isnt pleasant to be around at times. He is good practically but there is no romance, just moodiness and rows over the telly. How do you know when enough is enough? I couldnt cope on my own financially and we really do rely on each other in order to work too. But when our shared dc is older i really dont know if this is the life i want forever. Sorry for the rant. Am i expecting too much?

Buy another telly?

Everyone seems to accept his intolerance towards your DS. This would be the deal breaker for me. I don’t suppose he can help feeling irritated but a good person would hide it. Well a really good person wouldn’t be this irritated by a child who entered their life at four years of age.

My husband is 14 years older than me so yes sometimes we want to do totally different things; but we do just that.
You say you both wfh, so perhaps you do just see too much of each other and not enough of other people. If you’re the sociable one meet your friends and go out and let him do his own thing and then come together - sounds like he will keep the house nice so just enjoy it.
We can’t get all we need from one person. He sounds good on the whole - perhaps you need to do fun stuff with others and accept that he’s a steady Eddie? I know that doesn’t sound massively romantic but neither does being the broke single parent of a toddler and a teen.
We all have to make compromises - especially once kids are involved. Good luck:)

There is something going on outside your family that he is bringing into it. Work issues, a financial mistake he does not want to talk about, thoughts of cheating, feels chronic pain or chronically ill, etc. who knows what.
Or, like some men, he has realized that having children and a family is not always sunshine and rainbows where you do everything for him and instead of pulling up his big boy pants and dealing with his current situation he is sulking around and trying to start fights to make it your fault.

I can empathise. Sometimes I think there’s a 14 year age gap between me and my partner instead of 4. But I think you need to try decide what is important to you and speak to him. He maybe has no idea how much it is bothering you or is depressed and dealing with it by being grumpy and uninterested in things.
also think when you have kids you need a break. If you have no friends/ family that can help for a day or evening could you take turns letting each other have a free day to relax and see friends or just do something you enjoy ?
theres always relationship counselling if you can’t get through to him ? Good luck. X

I feel similar at times with my DH. Irony is over the last few years with NCT and young children etc so meeting new people he says a lot how people are “boring” but actually … so is he! Our personalities at the moment I feel are wildly different and I’m a bit worried about our future in a sense because I want to see more of the world as a family and he’d quite happily stay home. Yawn.

Has your DH always been like this? Not wanting to go out to places, getting into sulks easily? If not, if he has gradually or suddenly changed to be this way, it is possible that he may be suffering from depression. Not enjoying social activities or hobbies, being irritable and wanting everything to be routine, are some of the signs of clinical depression.

Just get divorced. You're not a team. You're just whinging and moaning. I honestly don't understand why you got married? Buy two TV's? Plan interesting family times. Invest a bit of energy in the marriage and talking about what your ideal month would look like? Except you're probably just tired and sluggish and want to "kick the dog" and blame everyone else that you're too tired to be happy.

you forgot to tell them to get off your lawn.

OMG @fusspot25 are you me?

I have a significant age gap with my DH and when I was in my twenties and he was in his late 30s and to mid 40s it was fine.

Now he's mid 50s and I'm early 40s he is an utter arsehole. Miserable, condescending, rude and can he ever sulk? Man oh man can he.

Take tonight.

We have been together for 25 years. I have never in that time eaten pork chops. I like bacon, I like ham. Pork as a chop or a roast meat? Nope.

So we are staying with his elder sister at the moment between job contracts, which is already stressful as we aren't close. We decided to make a really nice joint Chinese meal, I said I would make a chicken chow mein, he would make char su pork and a Chinese curry. Sounds a lot but it was to feed 7 adults.

He starts cooking his bit, I go to the kitchen to do mine (small kitchen). Where is all my chicken and the noodles?

He has used them for something else with the pork. So I reminded him I was meant to make chow mein with the chicken and noodles and he called me a liar, said I was sitting on my lazy fat arse again in his sister's house.

The stupid thing was, DD was meant to have what I was making, she has SEN and sensory issues, so wouldn't eat anything else. He denied knowing this.

He clearly forgot but can he admit it? Nope.

So I've had a roll for dinner.

To make it worse, his sister comes home and starts on at me about me not having dinner with everyone, I should sit at the table and have dinner, look at what her brother has made, oh its terrible, you must be hungry. Fuck off!

So I now know she will be pissed off and accuse me of "making an atmosphere" (she did this the other day, because I stayed in the spare room in the evening as for three weeks I had sat and watched shit films each night, and that night I had a migraine). So he will have something else to bitch about which I'm sure he will enjoy.

If he is this bad at mid 50s we will be divorced before he turns 60. I'm quite a youthful early 40s, like a good laugh, keep up with modern music and can hold my own with my nieces and nephews in their 20s/30s.

He is just so miserable and old and it's embarrassing and making me miserable too.

I completely get your situation, there is
a 14 year age gap between my husband and I, we met 20 years ago and have one daughter together and a dog. He is supportive but dull, doesn’t see any friends or do anything apart from work from home and walk the dog. I think we were always quite different personality wise but as time goes on I see this even more and question my situation every now and then and if this is it…
I always fall back on the security and that leaving would be just too much to deal with,
the guilt, no money etc.
Sorry I haven’t helped you, only that I share similar feelings.

A few of us seem to be in the same boat and saying a lot of the same things. Do you think it's a lot to do with the age gap?@latenightcakes @WillimNot
I've been thinking about this a lot lately, when dh and I met, I was early 20's, he was early 30's. I was probably a bit stroppy, sulky, playing mind games in the relationship type. Just being young, stupid and a bit nieve, like I won't text him until he texts me, sulking because he went out with his mates type rubbish. But what I think now is he was probably the same, the problem is he was in his 30's and should really of grown out of that behaviour and the fact that he hadn't and had the same mentality as someone early 20's is not great really is it. It' like I've now grown up but he hasn't, even though he' the one 10 years older

Ofgs it's not a " huge age gap" and your apparent assumption that people of 50 odd are bound to be grumpy bores is nothing more than ageist shite.

I'm 62 and just as active mentally (and much more active physically), curious and keen to learn as I was at 20.

I met DH when I was 18 and he was 32.

Despite being so much younger, I had left home at 15 due to a dreadful home life, so at 18 I was more like mid 20s. My mates were still drinking excessively because they could and acting, well, 18. I had a job, a flat and bills to pay so was mature due to necessity.

At 32 he was fun, exciting and we had similar sense of humour. Now he hates everything I like, according to him all music after around 1999 is shit with very few acceptions. Ditto comedy, comedians and programmes.

It's harder because back then we fit so well together. His mates are all older than me too but most I have a laugh with.

The sulking is the worst bit. If I am knackered and don't fancy sex, he will be annoyed for hours. The other day I said no because we are literally staying at his sister's and she walks in to our room. He had the right arse and said he would go find someone who would still have sex. Without even thinking I said "oh for fucks sake please fucking do and send her my regards". Yeah that went down as well as you'd imagine. I actually realised I wish he would.
Even DD told me to divorce him at the weekend, saying he's a sad old git making me feel bad for wanting to have a life.

Is this a piss take?! 😂 Nurse him in his old age?! Wtf?!

50 isn't old and also he chose to be with OP and her DC and also to have their child (presumably). This comment is bizarre

I think you deserve a life, @WillimNot if your only partner ever has been this frankly unpleasant-sounding arse who seems to regard you like a walking sex dispenser. Actually it's very unusual to still be with/married to someone you met at eighteen, let alone a nasty sexual bully like him. 'someone who'll still have sex', he means childless/pre-menopausal presumably? Yeuch.

I too could have written this except there is 15 yrs between us and our dd's are 15 & 16. The age gap wasn't a problem 20 yrs ago when we met, until recently he was always young at heart and looks barely 50, not the 60 yrs he actually is.

My dad was 18 years older than mum. He died at 67 leaving her widowed at 49 - we should have had him another 20 years. They met doing a mutual hobby, which is how my partner and I also met.

My partner is 12 years older than me. We’re 61 and 73. But we have the same interests, enjoy the same things, food, laugh at the same comedy, do theatre, film, holidays …

It's not the age gap.

First, it's personality and compatibility - men get more their true selves with age and it can grate.

Second, it's exhaustion coping with kids when this time would usually see people your age freed up, and he may be seeing friends his age already at that stage and making comparisons.

Third, it's age and stage - He's at an age where lowered testosterone and possibly depression or other medical issues might be becoming apparent.

You're at an age where peri menopause is on the horizon.

It's a volatile mix.

Make some doctors appointment and get a checkup. You may both need help.

Fourth, you need time to yourselves. I'm just finishing a full time contract and am rather thoughtful about the prospect of being together in the house 24/7 again.

So I'm planning things to do together. Short trips, breaks, visits, social and creative.

And I'm planning things I will be doing solo - classes, beauty treatments, exercise, hobbies. Making friends, seeing old friends, different voices, faces, opinions, attitudes.

Can't change the ageing process, but can make it more positive and pleasant.

A question - what do you like about him? Respect? Enjoy? Love? Fancy? Anything?

You just described most of the men I know! Unmotivated to do anything or keep up with friendships.
When I married DH he just abandoned his mates despite me encourgaing him to go meet them amd have a boys day out like they used to.
He says there will be time for that later. We have DS who is a toddler and another on the way but still you need some time with your mates to have fun and unwind a bit. He has never organised a trip doesnt have it in him. Asked him to arrange a weekend getaway he plans it all. Said he would and 4.5 years later no thing.......

You need to stop the WFH for the sake of your relationship, I was SAHM while my DH was WFH for two years and it's almost wrecked us. He's similar to your DH, doesn't go anywhere so incredibly dull and it's had such a negative effect. I don't think it's healthy for a couple to be together 24/7.

So many replies, thank you again for the advice and solidarity for those with similar grumpy old men!

I've said this before but he wasn't like this at the beginning. He would organise weekends away when my older dc was at his dads. Meals. Nights out. When I look back I'm not convinced that he actually wanted to do this but he certainly made more of an effort to keep me happy and entertained for want of a better word. Over time things died down. I feel like during Covid he actually enjoyed the fact we couldn't go out and since then he's never been bothered. Of course then we had our toddler and were in a position where going out really does require a lot of effort and planning and that's his go-to excuse now.

There is literally no reason why he couldn't go out with friends. I've asked him time and time again to organise something but he won't. Truth be told he hasn't really got any friendships now because like many men he's just let them slide. He seems content with being home all the time. Which is ok, some people are homebodies. But it's dull and stifling and as much as I try to get out when I can, it's never with him.

If this was a woman we'd all be asking about peri/menopause and whether they were taking HRT.
His Testosterone may have dropped off. It plays a crucial role for men and isn't talked about much.
Low testosterone mood and lethargy are linked.
Do you think he'd go to the doctor's?

We are all so different with different needs and desires. I would hate my DH to be the type that goes out on his own with friends. He has the occasional game of golf with a few but other than that he is a steady Eddie stay at home type guy sitting in the same chair every night and I wouldn't change a thing. He makes me laugh and could chat for England so I suppose that's a bonus. We both wfh and his work is his main hobby. I organise all of our leisure time and I accept it if he doesn't want to do something. We dont have an age gap but there's no way men in their 50s can be described as old or past it. As I've said before take Rod Stewart or Mick Jagger for example and most men who are fit and healthy. Many could leave men half their age panting for breath. It just depends on the man concerned. If your DH is grumpy there must be something he is unhappy with that he's either not admitting to or it could be a health/hormonal issue. I'd try to find out. It may be something he's embarrassed to admit.
Hope it works out for you both OP.

My DH is ten years older than me, he had two children when we met that lived with us 50% of time and we have a daughter together - all are now grown up but youngest still living at home as just finished Uni.

Our relationship has never been better, partly because we are more financially secure and partly because we have more time to do things together although I am still working in a demanding job (50/60 hours a week) and DH retired five years ago after being made redundant. He takes pressure off me domestically so it works.

So I don’t think the age difference is the issue, it’s how you spend your time together. From your descriptions, it sounds like it’s become a marriage of domestic convenience and it’s is worth you considering whether a life apart would be better than a life together ie where you would both get a break from the children as parenting would be shared? Another option could be whether you can go into work instead of wfh, is that contributing to feelings and restricting other social contact for both of you?

Do you get the chance to spend time with your own friends and could you do more of that and DH stays home with children, he can do same (up to him if he doesn’t keep up with friends).

Could you get a professional babysitter to have a date night and go out for a nice meal? There are ways to get time alone together even if you don’t have a lot of family support.

Perhaps take time to write down pros/cons and think about the money side, but at least it could give you some options to move forward from the current position?

wishing you luck as it’s not a life when you are just getting through the week.

Just to say, this might not be yo do with the age gap and just be personalities. I don't think you can generalise that everyone in their 40s goes out and is more fun than everyone in their 50s x