Absolutely fed up with dh

[fusspot25]

Ugh. Just annoyed with him. He is becoming a real grumpy old man and it shows. (There is a 10 year age gap which I never viewed as a problem up until recently).

He is great in the house. Cooks, cleans, helps with the kids even though I'm still very much the default parent. He's generous with money. But my god is he dull. He has no drive to do anything or go anywhere. He would never think of planning a holiday or a family day out. He doesn't socialise with friends, only leaves the house for a work and to walk the dog.

He's easily irritated by the dc - mostly my tween son from a previous marriage. He's kind and generous to him (we've been together since ds was 4 so we are a family) but he has no patience with typical teenage attitude or silliness. Ds was just messing around before bed, talking in a daft voice and dh sits there sighing and rolling his eyes.

Then because we can't agree what to watch on tv he goes in a mood. I honestly can't cope with his grumpiness and lack of desire to do anything. I sometimes think about how nice it would be to live alone (we both wfh so are probably together way too much as well).

Objectively I know he's a good man. And I know we are in the tough stages of parenting (with no help so no breaks), work, chores and very little time for each other. But i just dont know if our personalities are compatible anymore. He isnt pleasant to be around at times. He is good practically but there is no romance, just moodiness and rows over the telly. How do you know when enough is enough? I couldnt cope on my own financially and we really do rely on each other in order to work too. But when our shared dc is older i really dont know if this is the life i want forever. Sorry for the rant. Am i expecting too much?

Hmm. My DP is 44 and we have a non-sleeping 5yo and a seriously non-sleeping toddler; we both work FT and he is hybrid with a long commute. He’s grumpy, but he’s not apathetic like this: I think despite the financial hardship I’d leave if he were. He does occasionally sulk or bring the vibe down and it’s like I have to press his reset button and he kicks into gear again, which is irritating, but at least he resets and is willing to do stuff as a family, find the humour in when we do stuff as a family and it’s rubbish (an extremely poor National Trust kids’ trail in the pissing rain last weekend), will make time to go out with friends, etc. (We never go out together as no babysitter/funds for that.)

I feel for you as life is basically hard work for everyone right now, it’s hard work with a toddler, and you need someone who’s in the trenches with you, laughing and joking about trenchfoot.

Focusing on reducing disagreement over the Tv, if you’re rowing over what to watch then get a second Tv so you can both choose your own. That way if you agree then watch together, if not you both get your choice.

(Try to make sure the second Tv is near in size/functionality to the original so you don’t start rowing over who watches the new Tv.)

I organise almost all the trips out and activities and it suits me tbh. I have more awareness of activities to do and venues, am on all the mailing lists etc, and it's good to be able to book events as soon as they're available rather than having to cross-check with DH if he has other plans. We do something fun every weekend with the dcs, he's happy to come but leaves all the planning to me. He doesn't have friends and doesn't go out without us.

If you have the money for babysitters can you organise a date night? It's expensive but sounds like it wouldn't be very often. We don't have family support and DC wouldn't like to wake up to a stranger, so I organise nights in - generally films to watch together, nice takeaway meals just for us, plays that can be streamed. We have a 2 yo and we've only recently been able to do this as they've been sleeping more reliably.

Luckily DH isn't the grumpy sort but I know I was when we had the worst of sleep deprivation! It's just part of having young dc really. If he was good company pre-dc then I would stick with it and hope things improve once the hard work with younger dc is out of the way. Are you planning any more dc? If not then you're almost out of the woods.

How old is he op?

He's 50. I'm nearly 40.

He hasn't always been this way and I didn't overlook these differences in the beginning. We used to go out and do things together, yes we had more free time as ds goes to his dads EOW and now we have a shared toddler who we have no help with. But even before the toddler came along he was still getting this way.

He either lied about who he was for the first few years of our relationship or he has got much grumpier and much less enthusiastic with age.

I can deal with us being different. If he wants to stay home while I take the kids out, fine. What I can't deal with is the bad vibes he brings to the house.

You're married to my husband, minus the kids! I just do my own thing now, he goes upstairs to watch his own programmes... I do wonder if it's the age gap, as we're the same. Seemed ok when we were younger, it shows as the years go by. He's great in other respects, takes me for meals and brings me things home, just doesn't involve himself in much. I am debating whether to call it quits to be fair. I don't want to spend the rest of what I have left of my life like this. Sending hugs 💐

I am 52 and there is no way I could handle a toddler at this age. I get tired more easily. So does DH, 55. We do a lot of stuff together but all adult stuff.

That said, as he had made that decision, he needs to cheer up..But I think life will be better in a year or so, if you can wait.

Sounds similar to my OH. When 2nd DD was a toddler, he gradually lost any of the get up and go he had, turned into a grumpy old man and started disengaging from the family. He was diagnosed with depression, but personally I think it was also a mid-life crisis.
Do these sound familar?
Suddenly feeling old? Always tired? Feeling pushed aside by kids? Moaning about his dead end job? Feeling life is passing him by without achieving his dreams? Not being able to see the joy in life anymore? Something always ruins any good times? Disengaging from family? Won't discuss feelings? Can't see his own behaviour?
I really recommend pushing him and trying to get help while its still early days. Discuss whether he may be depressed. Encourage a new hobby to escape. Relationship counselling might help if he wouldn't get therapy alone.

Please don't let this slide. Its too late for my OH. I was so busy with my kids, health issues myself and then lockdown, I didn't push my OH enough to get help. He has changed more and more into this grumpy unhappy recluse and I can't see his old self ever emerging again.

Go and do stuff without him. Leave him to wallow in his misery. Might snap him out of it if he realises what he’s missing out on.

Possibly but it doesn't ease the tension at home much.

To be fair, having a toddler at 50 must be completely knackering, and most people absolutely wouldn't want to do it. He's tired, for goodness sake.

So am I...

Does being tired give me the excuse to be a shit wife too?

I'm 45, husband is 56. 4 kids between 6 and 18. We are not like this at all so I don't think it can be blamed on age or age gap. My husband is all in - fun, active, engaged with the kids, physically much fitter than me. He does have to work at it but our 6 year old has kept him young.

Sounds like he's using his age as an excuse to disengage. Could he be depressed? I'm sorry - it sounds really lonely for you.

Do you have friends you could go out and have fun with? Maybe that might help.

Hi OP I had some of this with DH before he became ill. I think in your 40s and 50s there is nothing wrong with going out and taking some good me time. Accept that DH is not as social as you and just adapt. It can be freeing.

No advice really OP, just sympathy. Similar age gap with my DP and similar problems (but he’s not great with cooking or cleaning, either!)

Sorry, personal question, but do you have sex much? Our sex life has dropped off a cliff which I don’t think helps. But I just feel like the atmosphere is so grumpy that sex just seems… inappropriate. It’s a vicious circle.

Sometimes he’ll have a cheerful day / few hours and I’ll feel so light and happy! Then he’ll go grumpy again, irritated over everything, no enthusiasm, and I’ll just want to hide away and not talk to him to avoid bringing my mood down.

I feel relieved when he goes out.

Maybe it’s just a phase with young DC, or maybe it’s permanent 😓

Do you like reading? Why Women Talk and Men Walk or How to Improve Your Relationship seems to be a book just perfect for your situation

My parents had a similar problem (though no toddlers!) with a 6 year age gap - mid 40s/early 50s. Oldest 3 kids out of the house, youngest a teenager - mom wanted to start doing things again now that there wasn’t childcare to deal with, but dad was always too tired or grumpy.

It turned out that my dad had diabetes and high blood pressure and ended up having a stroke at 56, which he was very fortunate to come through with minimal lasting effects. Not to scare you, but you should strongly recommend your husband get a full checkup - my dad has become MUCH more inclined to go out and do things and even plan things since he got his health under control.

I'm not sure I'd want to be running around after a toddler in my fifties, but then again, I wouldn't choose to have a baby in my late forties.

Is your toddler his only child?

This is a bit harsh. Myself and DH have a similar age gap, but he is generally keen to socialise, give or take the odd moan! He does like to organise things though - booking holidays is generally down to him for example. I think the fact that I rarely organise things is a bugbear of his actually! I think this is more common in men from what my friends tell me.

I have felt like the OP at times, and tiredness will definitely be making this worse. Little ones are exhausting. My DH has older children then we had another two with very little help at all. I’m surprised we survived those early years sometimes. The now teen DC and I chat a lot and giggle and my DH often just looks bewildered! I’m the same with the SDC at times. I’m just a bit sillier than him (and I’m 50 so it’s not necessarily an age thing). Try to make time for each other and be honest with him about needing to plan activities/days out for your sanity.

I should also say I know couples where there is no or a very small age gap and the husband is like this. I think like a PP suggested, there’s a bit of mid life crisis/mild depression involved. My DH needs a bit of a metaphorical kick now and again. I mean that nicely - we can all get stuck in a rut, myself included. Make sure his health is ok - my DH had crazy high blood pressure and had no idea. Meds and lifestyle changes seem to have helped with his mood. Having a child later has maybe made him worry about finances/retirement plans?

Now that I’m peri menopausal I’m probably driving him nuts 🤦🏻‍♀️.

Talk to him you have a toddler are you really going to split up your family as he is a bit boring. It doesn't sound like the time to be planning spur of the moment weekends away or date nights with your current set up. Explain to him you want to do more together and make sure you don't lose sight of the fact that you wanted to be together enough to bring a child into the world. It takes work on both sides if he isn't pulling his weight let him know and give him a chance to change

Jesus, all 50yo are not grumpy old men, it really isn't the age! Yes it's tiring, but OP is not exactly asking him to go to a weekly rave. She's asking that he doesn't bring the entire family down with his negativity.

I would have a talk that the negativity and grumpiness is seriously unattractive. And if he feels he's too tired and can't be pleasant, he should go sit quietly in his room until he can.

I think you need relationship counselling. Isn’t that what it’s for, OP?

Maybe it's just me, but I think men grow more insular and anti-social as they age. Even men who were quite outgoing in their youth seem to get this way. Problem is, they then cling to their wife and try and stop her socialising on her own. My dad was like that, and so was my grandfather.