Absolutely fed up with dh

[fusspot25]

Ugh. Just annoyed with him. He is becoming a real grumpy old man and it shows. (There is a 10 year age gap which I never viewed as a problem up until recently).

He is great in the house. Cooks, cleans, helps with the kids even though I'm still very much the default parent. He's generous with money. But my god is he dull. He has no drive to do anything or go anywhere. He would never think of planning a holiday or a family day out. He doesn't socialise with friends, only leaves the house for a work and to walk the dog.

He's easily irritated by the dc - mostly my tween son from a previous marriage. He's kind and generous to him (we've been together since ds was 4 so we are a family) but he has no patience with typical teenage attitude or silliness. Ds was just messing around before bed, talking in a daft voice and dh sits there sighing and rolling his eyes.

Then because we can't agree what to watch on tv he goes in a mood. I honestly can't cope with his grumpiness and lack of desire to do anything. I sometimes think about how nice it would be to live alone (we both wfh so are probably together way too much as well).

Objectively I know he's a good man. And I know we are in the tough stages of parenting (with no help so no breaks), work, chores and very little time for each other. But i just dont know if our personalities are compatible anymore. He isnt pleasant to be around at times. He is good practically but there is no romance, just moodiness and rows over the telly. How do you know when enough is enough? I couldnt cope on my own financially and we really do rely on each other in order to work too. But when our shared dc is older i really dont know if this is the life i want forever. Sorry for the rant. Am i expecting too much?

The age gap problem does get worse and worse with age. I have seen it and it's just downhill from here. Wait until he's 70 and you're late 50s. You will still have loads of energy, want to do stuff, go on holidays, and he'll just be an old man. Unfortunately you have made your choice and you cannot change someone. You can't make a grumpy old man into someone else. You need to find a way to live your life with him or without him, as he is.

I agree @fusspot25 there is a bigger age gap between my mum and dad and yet she will die first because she has a terminal illness and he will (with help from me) have to care for her. So it's not always the way it goes.

On the other side there is under a five year age gap between my DH and I and I definitely recognise your husband in him. Then my Uncle and Aunt who are the same age had the same issue. The age gap is not always the relevant factor at all. I think men are more the relevant factor to be honest 😂

My partner was late forties when our daughter was born. At the time my stepson was 10 and my stepdaughter 8.

He was very energetic in his fifties. I think it was partly that we had a healthy diet, he didn't smoke, we walked places rather than taking the car. Crawling around with toddlers and taking them to the park can be good exercise.

I honestly think he found having a third child rejuvenating. It may have helped that at the time he was not under pressure at work.

We didn't have help with childcare but did get babysitters in. Your older child could presumably babysit to an extent.

If he really doesn't want to go out, I'd at least give yourself a regular evening out a week - with friends or at a class of some sort.

If it's hard for you to talk about the problems and you really aren't sure of your feelings, there is always Relate.

It honestly doesn't sound that bad to me but only you know what's going on. Maybe you guys just need some space? Get out of each others ways, maybe work a few days away from home? Spend more time just the 2 of you? I think the routine and responsibility can make you feel like an old person, so maybe try re discover that fun side? Hope you guys can work it out since you say he is a good man ,a good dad and a good fair partner aside from the grumpiness ❤️

My DH is 73 so 20 years older than me. We have a 13 and 11 year old.

He's tired. WE are tired. I used to get frustrated about 10 years ago or so because I wanted to do stuff and he was really scaling back and struggling with full time work and getting older. He retired 5 years back and things are better though.

That's the reality with an older partner. But what I did is I scheduled in things that were important to me / us. The school play. Swimming together on Saturdays. A weekly family meal out. I schedule the family holidays and organise it. I made it clear that he had to manage his own energy to meet those family obligations.

We've been together 25 years and I came with the money so the previous poster can fuck off with the idea that it's all about financial security.

Families come in all shapes and sizes and you never know what will happen. I have 2 autoimmune diseases and fatigue is huge for me. So often I am the tired one. We work around it.

OP i say talk to him and try and work out what you can do as a partnership.

My partner is like this. So we took it in turns to organise stuff. So I would tell him he had to organise a family activity or outing on a particular day but he decided what it was. So he got a prompt from me but I didn’t feel like I had to do all the thinking and organising. Trouble is you then need to smile and put up with whatever he does organise 😂

Thank you for all of the support, it's really helpful. I think you're right, we do need space. We are together sooooo much no wonder we take each other for granted and get shirty with each other. I do wish he was more dynamic and enthused about doing things but he has many other good points I guess we can't have it all!

FirstTimeMum897 · Today 19:23

The age gap problem does get worse and worse with age. I have seen it and it's just downhill from here. Wait until he's 70 and you're late 50s. You will still have loads of energy, want to do stuff, go on holidays, and he'll just be an old man. Unfortunately you have made your choice and you cannot change someone. You can't make a grumpy old man into someone else. You need to find a way to live your life with him or without him, as he is.

Not my experience at all. My parents had an 18 year age gap and were happily married for 45 years. They died within a few months of each other.

I know it's a generality to say "men just don't organise things"! They don't! If he doesn't even want to go at all, that's more of a problem though. That's lazy! See if you can get someone else to go with?

fusspot25 · Today 19:37

Thank you for all of the support, it's really helpful. I think you're right, we do need space. We are together sooooo much no wonder we take each other for granted and get shirty with each other. I do wish he was more dynamic and enthused about doing things but he has many other good points I guess we can't have it all!

I think it's a case of being together too much. I wfh, DH wfh 3 days a week. I am so relieved the days he's in the office!

Plus you've a toddler and you're very tied down. He sounds like a keeper in many other ways, so I think I'd try to work around it if I were you. Maybe you go off and do something on your own while he holds the fort at home?

I see your point here but try saying this to Rod Stewart or Mick jagger who could both leave men half their age panting for breath and to be fair most men at this stage who are fit and healthy🤣
I don't see age as an issue. It depends on the person in question.

@Seablue9 given he's already a grumpy old man, I don't see him in the Mick Jagger category but I see your point.

I have genuinely seen this in my own family. It doesn't mean divorce but it does mean that the woman (or, more precisely the younger party) has to craft her own independent life i.e. strong friendships, interests, socials and holiday groups separately from the older spouse. It really does work for some people. Whether you are happy with that or not is completely personal. But I don't think you can live waiting for someone to change to match your needs.

Huh?! A 10 year age gap is hardly huge nor uncommon.

I was going to say my dh is very similar but he doesn't cook, clean or help out with the kids. And is very stingy with money, so much so I am in debt to make up the shortfall whilst he has savings!!! The grumpiness is the same though, not a good word to say about anything. Doesn't want to do anything with us or when he does moans the whole time (i resent him for not spending time with us but then we have a better time without him!!!). Only joy he gets in life (his words) is playing football up to 5 times a week (mainly at bedtimes...helpful when you have 3 young kids!). Oh and he works from home so I never have any time away from him and his constant grey mood.

I think you are together too much at home. Neither of you have breathing space away from the other. Can you / he work elsewhere for a couple of days a week? Cafe / library / co-working space?

Also you do need some kind of regular 'date night' together away from the house. You mentioned he is generous with money, so might there be money for a babysitter once a month? I don't have family help etc either but prioritised a monthly babysitter in our budget - some people have a cleaner / get their haircut etc, for me the babysitter was priority! Everything is different (better) when you are outside of the domestic environment, not surrounded by all the jobs that need doing, wailing kids, dirty laundry, piles of admin etc.

Best of luck,I think you can pull this back x

@Whoeverwins genuine question, does he have any good points?

He sounds horrible, sorry. The sulking and the shutting down, come on! You deserve more.

I really struggle to think of any. He obviously contributes financially to the household and DS idolises him, although he hardly spends any quality time with him. I worry about the effect a split would have on him.

Sympathy from me op, I'm in the same boat. Not a big age gap for us, but dp has definitely got grumpier, more negative and more critical as he's got older. And does very little but sit by the laptop and moan.

I find it so wearing and it brings me down so I relate. Sadly not much advice to offer, but if talking to him hasn't worked just try to do things without him and try to create your own life more.

I would just have an affair tbh. Adds a bit of interest to life.

BTW, this kind of behaviour will be shit for your kids as well. I had an ex like this, a real grump of an ass hole and it just led to feeling like I was on eggshells around him all the time.

We never EVER watch the same tv programmes - don't have the same taste at all. We both sit on the same sofa, my husband watches something on his iPad with headphones on and I watch the tv whilst he rubs my feet. Works great!

You need somewhere you can retreat to-a spare bedroom, home office, a corner of the kitchen which is yours. And put a tv set in there.

If the DS is aware that he is irritating then he should work on his behaviour.

What sort of things did you used to do, what sort of things do you want to do now?