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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Excluding a friend?

431 replies

StephPlum · 20/02/2024 13:16

In the last few years my friendship group has settled into a nice little group of 5.
We have a WhatsApp that's busy with chat and support and we often get together with or without families. Husbands all get along too.
Before Xmas friend 1 told friend 2 that she's moving her child to a new school because of bullying that friend 2's child was involved in. Friend 1 insisted she didn't want to fall out, but friend 2 was upset, said it was all liesbso they had words and friend 1 left the WhatsApp.
Friend 1 has kept in touch with everyone except friend 2. When sending invites to stuff friend 1 includes everyone (Inc. Friend 2, who won't join in).
Friend 2 won't join anything that friend 1 is involved in. So we've had a few get together with just friend 2.
Friend 1 found out about this and is really upset. She thinks they should both be included in everything, and that we are actually preventing a reconciliation by enabling friend 2 to just leave her out. She left the WhatsApp group herself but is now feeling excluded.
If we didn't do anything with friend 2 separately she wouldn't see any of us.
Aibu to leave out friend 1 sometimes?

OP posts:
DifferentAlgebra · 22/02/2024 17:10

theilltemperedclavecinist · 22/02/2024 15:33

I believe I may have the solution: SUDDEN DEATH PLAY-OFF

Invite everyone (including the men) round to yours for Debate Night. With snacks. Undertake to implement the winning motion.

Motion 1(proposal): this House believes that Friend 1 should be permanently excluded from the House.

Motion 2(counterproposal): this House believes that nobody should be excluded from the House: disputes between members should be left at the door.

If Motion 1 sounds bad, that's because it is. F2 wants you all to drop F1 and will whinge relentlessly until you do.

We've all tried telling you this in different ways, but you're obviously not listening.

I swear I heard this exact debate among the Young Tories at the Oxford Union in the 90s. 😀

RadFs · 22/02/2024 17:13

StephPlum · 22/02/2024 12:50

Friend 1 had mentioned issues on and off over the last couple of years. Both in the context of worrying about her child (which was certainly her priority) and then also worrying about how to navigate that with f2. I only got a sense that she was very concerned in the weeks leading up to her removing dc from the school. I do think it was a last resort for her. Her younger dc is still at school.
F2 has been more outspoken about the situation. She is quite hurt that we see f1 at all, but feels especially pushed out when we organise group things. She knows f1 will attend so she won't- hence why we've left out f1 from a few group things so that f2 can join in

Show quote history

F2 is quite hurt that you see f2 at all. Are you even reading what you’re writing. Can you not bloody see F3 is dictating you guys and does not want you all to be friend with F1?

You guys are choosing to leave out our F1 from group things just so f2 can attend. You and your friends like it or not have chosen sides and that is f2. Bending over backwards for f2

RhiWrites · 22/02/2024 17:39

Look at how the main players in this are behaving.

F1, quietly upset over her child either being or feeling bullied, continues to include F2 in activities, talks privately to F2 about the incident, leaves the WhatsApp group to avoid friction.

F2 loudly and noticeably upset over accusations of her child participating in bullying, sees this as a choice between one or the other as a member of the group, talks publically about the incident on the WhatsApp group, continues to raise the topic and instigate friction.

When people show you who they are, believe them. F1 has acted with some grace and dignity and removed her child from the environment. F2 is repeatedly and perhaps performatively upset that her child has been criticised.

OP, you say you don’t want to take sides. But by doing this you’re suggesting both are equally at fault. I don’t think that’s true…

RadFs · 22/02/2024 17:42

I’ve got a solution @StephPlum add F1 to the WhatsApp group. See what the reaction is from F2

Maybeicanhelpyou · 22/02/2024 17:49

You and your friends are all victim blaming

HalebiHabibti · 22/02/2024 18:43

Have you spoken to Friend 1 yet?

Original poster
StephPlum · 22/02/2024 18:46

HalebiHabibti · 22/02/2024 18:43

Have you spoken to Friend 1 yet?

I'll be seeing her tomorrow.

OP posts:
HalebiHabibti · 22/02/2024 19:28

That sounds great OP - hope the chat goes well.

Stupidliefromfriend · 22/02/2024 19:29

I really hope OP that this thread has given you food for thought. I genuinely believe you have treated F1 very badly. She is in no way unaffected just because she has other friends.

Personally I don't think you deserve her friendship. You seem really lacking in common sense, kindness and empathy. Your assessment of someone being a good friend because they are fun and outgoing is honestly quite weird.

I hope F1 sees this thread and decides to ditch the lot of you.

You owe her a huge apology.

ILoveHugeAckman · 22/02/2024 23:14

She knows f1 will attend so she won't- hence why we've left out f1 from a few group things so that f2 can join in

Eh?? You have left F1 out, even though she WOULD attend, just so that sulky bully F2 will come? Have I ACTUALLY read that right?

I am horrified at you doing this. F1 is mature enough to go along to things despite F2 being there, but you have all willingly enabled F2's behaviour by cutting F1 out.

You are terrible, terrible people

Lushmush · 22/02/2024 23:50

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

ILoveHugeAckman · 22/02/2024 23:55

@Lushmush well that pretty much guarantees that the thread will be deleted over "privacy concerns" and we will never get an update!

Thanks 🙄

Lushmush · 22/02/2024 23:58

ILoveHugeAckman · 22/02/2024 23:55

@Lushmush well that pretty much guarantees that the thread will be deleted over "privacy concerns" and we will never get an update!

Thanks 🙄

Ahh nuts ….. can I delete my post or edit it??? Fairly new to posting on MN 🙈 the edit option doesn’t come up on my last post but does on this one 🤷‍♀️

ILoveHugeAckman · 23/02/2024 00:17

Lushmush · 22/02/2024 23:58

Ahh nuts ….. can I delete my post or edit it??? Fairly new to posting on MN 🙈 the edit option doesn’t come up on my last post but does on this one 🤷‍♀️

Edited
Show quote history

You can report it to MN using the "report" button at the bottom of the post and ask them to delete it

  • QUICK!!!! 😁
Justfinking · 23/02/2024 01:35

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Good, then everyone will know what a bitch F2 is and maybe she can get a taste of her own medicine!

Fraaahnces · 23/02/2024 01:47

You are coming across as one of F2’s sheep @StephPlum. F2 is the Queen Bee and you continue to orbit her social skills because it’s easier to do this - and it suits you - than to back up F1. F2 has isolated F1 now by “taking offense” rather than dealing with the issue:

pineapplesundae · 23/02/2024 02:34

I don’t know why people are so hard lined on this friendship issue. Sounds like you’re doing a great job maintaining your friendships with both women. No reason why you shouldn’t. All mama bears protect their children and unless you know that friend two is a party to bullying, you have no reason to choose sides. It’s possible that friend one is a bit more sensitive when it comes to her child and there is nothing wrong with that. Friend two is offended and that’s her right as well. Let them work out their differences and you continue to be Switzerland. The people making the harsh comments sound like bullies themselves. I know! They’ll be coming after me now, saintly people that they are.

Aria999 · 23/02/2024 03:29

Friend 2 is a selfish drama queen.

Can you imagine behaving like this if it was you? Not even being willing to consider the possibility that your pfb has been behaving badly and taking it out on everyone around you?

She should be ashamed of herself but doesn't sound like the kid of person who ever would be.

Nofilteritwonthelp · 23/02/2024 03:30

pineapplesundae · 23/02/2024 02:34

I don’t know why people are so hard lined on this friendship issue. Sounds like you’re doing a great job maintaining your friendships with both women. No reason why you shouldn’t. All mama bears protect their children and unless you know that friend two is a party to bullying, you have no reason to choose sides. It’s possible that friend one is a bit more sensitive when it comes to her child and there is nothing wrong with that. Friend two is offended and that’s her right as well. Let them work out their differences and you continue to be Switzerland. The people making the harsh comments sound like bullies themselves. I know! They’ll be coming after me now, saintly people that they are.

F2 has no right to be offended if her child is a bully, so much so that a child had to move school

pineapplesundae · 23/02/2024 03:35

‘If’ being the operative word.

EcstaticMarmalade · 23/02/2024 03:41

Well we know where Friend 2’s child got the bullying tendencies from.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/02/2024 03:53

StephPlum · 22/02/2024 18:46

I'll be seeing her tomorrow.

Show quote history

i hope you’ll be apologising profusely and telling f1 you didn’t realise you’re playing into f2s hands.

Original poster
StephPlum · 23/02/2024 05:02

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

That's not us

OP posts:
strawberry2017 · 23/02/2024 07:19

When you see F1 really listen to what she says.
I think what you are not seeing is that F2 is now using her bullying behaviour to control you all and go after F1, this is what "queen bees" do, they think the world should revolve around them and their narrative and when it does they attack.
Realistically if I was you I would be withdrawing from F2 as she's going to be looking for the next person who doesn't meet her "standards"

Tatumm · 23/02/2024 08:00

Friend 2 sounds manipulative and hard work. I would invite the whole group to get togethers, and if F2 doesn’t come, that’s up to her.