Step Daughter no inclination to make her way

[Miffed1233]

I’ll try and state this factually & unemotionally

1. SD has a professional career ahead of her and earns around 30k as a newbie. She studied hard to get qualified. Probably has the most disposable income in our household

2. reluctantly (& rarely on time) pays towards household utility bills. Each month is a manual payment. Has avoided setting up a sto and has to be asked, frequently nagged and in some cases has been more than 10 days late paying. Comes across as avoidant

3. I earn a lot more than my DP so pay all bills / mortgage (except food, which she pays). I haven’t minded doing this previously when children were young, but….

4. sd clearly not saving towards a house and whenever her mum brings it up says she wont be in a position to buy a house for at least 5 years or unless she meets a man. (Her dating rarely goes beyond 3-5 dates before she is dumped)

She spends her income on frippery…Botox and overpriced beauty products / shoes / clothes (did I mention shoes?)

5. Has now announced she is taking a year off to go travelling (for the 2nd time)

For info I’m mid 50’s and have reached a point where I’m finding it immoral that I’m having to continue to put a roof over her head whilst she has a “lifestyle”.
On current course will be in my 60’s before she “grows up”. I feel like this isn’t what I signed up for, life is too short etc

I’m normally the first to leap to the defence of youngsters today and the pressure of social media / house prices etc they face compared to my generation but feel this is not taking responsibility. I oscillate between wanting to downsize…so she gets the message (we live in a big house & she has a very nice room) and realising this isn’t something I’d actually want to do if I didn’t have this resentment. AIBU?

Talking with her mother about it is difficult. She agrees she should be saving for a house but is powerless to make her do so and meantime does everything for her (cooking, washing, cleaning her room). She defaults to defending her daughter and sees me as “attacking” her all the time. Love my DP to bits….what should I do? I feel my life is zooming by and I’ll have spent the majority of it providing for my children and hers and will be doing so well into my retirement. Surely this isn’t the natural order of life?

Putting aside my frustration it’s also sad that she is very capable and has more capacity than most but isn’t seizing or recognising the opportunity and good position she is interested

AIBU

I definitely expect my real DD to do her own laundry, cleaning and cooking.

Not the same!!!! She is your own flesh and blood! Nobody is doubting the sincerity of your moves!

you should meet my BIL and SIL. a very average couple in their 30s. Moved out in their 20s to another country and rented, but they are still moving back to his mother's house with their baby in tow in their 30s. Honestly even if they had been in their 40s but had carried on renting, it would probably be the same story given that they are in industries without high earning potential

For many people, rent would consume 50% of their outgoings. inability to save plus skyrocketing house prices mean that people get slowly priced out of their homes. if your pay goes up with inflation, but rent inflation exceeds regular inflation, you would just move further out (which is what BIL and SIL did) but then at some point its just not tenable . if your salary raises are well above inflation, it would be a moot point cos you already own. There are many sectors and jobs where wage raises are below rent inflation i.e. public sector.

I sometimes don't think older people realize how fucked their kids are if they are not in a job with higher earning potential. i have a friend who worked in admin for a university. He ended up renting in a flatshare with a cocaine dealer cos that was all he could afford.
then the pandemic happened and he was able to move back home and save a deposit. if the pandemic didn't happen, i shudder to think where he would be now. He has very modest lifestyle and now that he has an affordable mortgage, he is able to save hundreds every month despite earning only a bit above minimum wage. This isn't in London btw, this is in one of our cheapest cities where you can buy a two bed flat for 100k and a terraced for 150k!

100% agree with this. There will be no boomeranging bullshit in this house. I'm retiring within 5 years and the house is getting sold to fund a place abroad! This is our time to enjoy now while we still have our health.

As for the poster who referred to adult kids whinging that they didn't ask to be born, wtf??!

I think you need to wake up to the reality of the twenty first century

Because she is a step-child. Nothing of the sort would have been said, had she been his real daughter

See my earlier post. My uncle and aunt downsized to get rid of their 28yo son.

Up her rent significantly, she'll soon get fed up.

what if your children rent and rent doubles in the next 10 years to an average of £2000 but wages only rise in line with inflation and childcare is 2k per month. landlord evicts your 30 year old child out (she has a baby) and she can't find an affordable rental in the 50 miles. there is no social housing and even if there was, she earns too much to qualify.

Where does she go? Premier Inn? But the council would probably have no money by that time. I just read a mumsnet thread a few weeks ago where a family with two working parents with a budget of £1500 for rental were basically priced out of romford but their jobs, kids schools were there. I dont think this would stay just a london thing, it would be a uk thing.

would you let your daughter and grandchild become homeless?

@breadandroses92 she already owns her own flat.

But thanks for the extreme scaremongering.

@ORLt So when you’re 55/56, you’ll be quite happy to pay all the bills for your employed 25-year-old child for an indefinite number of years until they decide that they’re ready to contribute or move out?

You’ll be fine feeling like life is passing you by, because you’re stuck paying for their electricity/gas/water/wifi consumption, while they spend on Botox and holidays?

we own our flat too. But we are the only one of our MIL's children to do so and we can see what could potentially happen to the other siblings. If we are the only ones in the family who are in a stable housing situation and all are in our 20s and 30s, it is clear it is a systemic problem.

SIL and BIL have to share a hotel room with his MOTHER when visiting DH's grandfather. They can't even afford a cheap hotel room after rent and childcare so they can visit their grandfather (who doesn't have room for them). These are two well educated professionals in their 30s. Even my MIL who has never earned more than 18k in her life was a bit shocked that she would do that. i mean, even staying at a hostel (with separate rooms) would be better. Its a very clear generational difference.

But what would you suggest @Floofydawg does, @breadandroses92 ? Are they obliged to stay in their current home just in case their DD needs to move back in at some point?

nope they are not obliged to stay in any home or even accept her boomeranging DD. But I am just saying that it would be more and more common due to inequality. Cos other parents don't particularly want to see their kids homeless.

So while she may not want to do it, i think it will be very common and in 10 years time, we wouldn't bat an eyelid. for many in my generation, the ones in the bottom 50% of the income distribution would probably be begging their kids to live with them to help pay the rent. If they don't own, then they would be working till they drop as there would be no state pension by the time I retire. However, if the kids contribute, then there may be an option to take on fewer hours.

which is why there was a article about more indians owning property in London than british people

Hahaha
You think the Indian people buying places in London are living in multi-generational households in India because they can't afford to pay rent?

You have a very stereotypical view of people from other countries. There are fabulously rich people in India, Mexico, Nigeria, etc.

@breadandroses92

I haven't lived in the UK for quite a few years and what you are describing is shocking. But what is even more shocking is that people aren't organising and protesting about that situation while the only solution being suggested is that parents should subsidise their adult children.

Mumsnet is great for young adults complaining that the older generation designed the world to suit our purposes, but they never take it the next step on and think about designing the world to suit their purposes.

I can't believe some people are defending a 25 year old that barely pays any bill and has her mum cleaning and cooking for her🤣

She is living there because she is enjoying the good life. She puts some pennies on some bills and get the maid to sort her clothes and meals- it doesn't get much better than that!
Imagine being a real sdult having to cook and clean after a full day at work...that sucks!

A lot of the people whoo bought are also second generation and third generation immigrants. Who still practice multi generational living

The housing crisis today is a state failure. Our current system of nuclear living is set up on the basis of a large middle class and a welfare state. We thus feel everyone deserves to have their own home as a young adult because most educated people would be able to attain financial stability and buy a home based mainly on their earnings. As inequality increases in a society, wages become very low and if housing is also an asset then housing is difficult to attain on those wages. The shrinking of the middle class is also very apparent, report in the guardian today says that it is those on earnings between 30-60k who will find it difficult to achieve a minimum standard of living and may be at risk of future poverty. As for the welfare state, lower tax revenue due to shrinking middle class may mean this is a thing of the pass.

If society is made up of mainly poor people then obviously those people from communal cultures may fare better as they will pool their resources. For example while White British families pay for care homes and the inheritance is used to pay for that as well as private medical treatments (due to NHS being crap), people who care for their elderly may sacrifice a lot of their personal autonomy but it may mean they have an inheritance for the grandchildren.

Wow. A lot to unpack here. Much good advice but I do want to note @AmaryllisChorus had a simple but workable look at the traveling. Op I lived with my parents until 27. So I don’t feel the “age”is so important. I don’t think DP doing laundry is a big deal or cleaning up or cooking as long as DP wants to do it. I too have a second DH. His adult children never lived with us but my children were 12 and 14. He was dad @ 18 I was mom @32. For several yrs I paid the mortgage all utilities and all most of kids expenses but DH very generous with trips travel clothing Christmas and paid all food. I went to FT work as my kids got older and more $$. One day DH sorta cut it off. I was making money their dad was helping and I think he felt he had done enough. And he HAD. Together we paid off the mortgage…freeing up alot of my income. I’m sorry to say I think your DP needs to work and pay! She needs to help off set all the expenses of living by combining incomes. Surely you cannot be expected to pay for everything all the time. You are carrying everyone and you are tired. Reset the expectations. I don’t think you and DP want to end relationship over this do you? SD can pay rent and ON TIME ITS A BILL! Tell DP it’s not negotiable. Let her travel on her dime or working DP’s dime reset the home life while gone. If DP wants DD home with her she can finance it. If you feel it put the rent in a separate account for wedding or some other life event. I think SD is following her mums belief you are endless source of cash and happy to subsidize her. Wake DP up!

It's a problem, across the UK. Our DC worked for two years before uni and has a good work ethic and skills. Highly employable, but it's work that's mostly very anti-social hours, so it makes the rest of life quite abnormal. DC wants to step across into another area that uses both the skills gained at university and before it. But there are no such jobs locally. Therefore there's a choice: move to a new area and use one set and perhaps never get the chance to do the rest. Or just keep earning the money, stay close to his origins, buy a property and not explore the ambitions.

A lot of the people whoo bought are also second generation and third generation immigrants. Who still practice multi generational living

So in your opinion, second-generation immigrants aren't British? How many generations doe one have to have behind you before you can be called British?

As for the welfare state, lower tax revenue due to shrinking middle class may mean this is a thing of the pass

Here in Mexico, the government started collecting taxes from big business and it is amazing how much they have been able to fund as a consequence.

Had to use this account as can't get into the other one.

Unfortunately the older generation outnumber us. My generation is split between those who have homes and some who also stand to inherit a lot of money and those who have completely given up. A lot of people also may not completely understand the scale of the problem as they are fine, I know three people who were gifted houses in London by their parents, none of whom could have bought them with their own earnings.

Also what labour is suggesting may not compelletely alleviate the problem. Keir starmer building one million 'Georgian homes' for sale may bring down the prices perhaps but that would take years and meanwhile rent increases at a rate which makes it hard for ordinary people to save a deposit. So everyone just thinks in terms of their circumstances and short of earning more the easiest way to save money is to stay with parents. The people I know including myself managed to buy their homes within 3 years doing this.

I meant Indian by ethnicity.. They are of course British. Like our PM who is British Indian.

This is bizarre.

She’s an adult on an above average salary.

She can do what she likes, how is it the problem of the older adults in her life?

She needs to grow up.