Step Daughter no inclination to make her way

[Miffed1233]

I’ll try and state this factually & unemotionally

1. SD has a professional career ahead of her and earns around 30k as a newbie. She studied hard to get qualified. Probably has the most disposable income in our household

2. reluctantly (& rarely on time) pays towards household utility bills. Each month is a manual payment. Has avoided setting up a sto and has to be asked, frequently nagged and in some cases has been more than 10 days late paying. Comes across as avoidant

3. I earn a lot more than my DP so pay all bills / mortgage (except food, which she pays). I haven’t minded doing this previously when children were young, but….

4. sd clearly not saving towards a house and whenever her mum brings it up says she wont be in a position to buy a house for at least 5 years or unless she meets a man. (Her dating rarely goes beyond 3-5 dates before she is dumped)

She spends her income on frippery…Botox and overpriced beauty products / shoes / clothes (did I mention shoes?)

5. Has now announced she is taking a year off to go travelling (for the 2nd time)

For info I’m mid 50’s and have reached a point where I’m finding it immoral that I’m having to continue to put a roof over her head whilst she has a “lifestyle”.
On current course will be in my 60’s before she “grows up”. I feel like this isn’t what I signed up for, life is too short etc

I’m normally the first to leap to the defence of youngsters today and the pressure of social media / house prices etc they face compared to my generation but feel this is not taking responsibility. I oscillate between wanting to downsize…so she gets the message (we live in a big house & she has a very nice room) and realising this isn’t something I’d actually want to do if I didn’t have this resentment. AIBU?

Talking with her mother about it is difficult. She agrees she should be saving for a house but is powerless to make her do so and meantime does everything for her (cooking, washing, cleaning her room). She defaults to defending her daughter and sees me as “attacking” her all the time. Love my DP to bits….what should I do? I feel my life is zooming by and I’ll have spent the majority of it providing for my children and hers and will be doing so well into my retirement. Surely this isn’t the natural order of life?

Putting aside my frustration it’s also sad that she is very capable and has more capacity than most but isn’t seizing or recognising the opportunity and good position she is interested

AIBU

I think this is right-neither she nor your wife will change. You may have to gear up to consider leaving

If she is only just out of uni and wants to go travelling I would be encouraging her. But maybe give her and any other children an age limit for being at home. Say 23? You do sound negative and frustrated. But maybe it’s you and your partner that need to be having these conversations.

Only in western culture. and it only became very normalised in the post war boom when mass home ownership became the norm and renting was seen as a short term solution between moving out of the family home and buying your house. Was it very normal in Victorian times?

Most people seemed to be servants/lived in employer provided accommodation i.e. factory workers and many seem to have lived with family until they got married. My DH's grandfather lived with his in laws when he was first married for a few years and when DH and I did that circa 2016-2019, he said 'ahhh just like I did in the 1950s'. What was lucky though was that we did manage to buy at the end of that but then it was 2019 where there was practically deflation and the brexit effect on london flats!

I sympathize with OP but at the same time the social norms of the past 70 years should perhaps be seen in the context of an absolute blip.

She has no clear plan and will not be able to manage running a home/paying bills on time as she’s still being treated like an 18 year old.

You need to be firm and tell her its time to move out and be a grown up.

my BIL is moving in with his mum (in the usa) with his wife and 1 year old baby daughter in tow. He is 35 this year! His mum is absolutely delighted apparently. I don't know if there is a plan to save a deposit.

I would say while its not great she has no plan, these are unusual times and no one thought what my BIL is doing is strange.

I just re-read and think she’s 20’s not 30’s.

I still think its absoltely bizarre wanting to live with your parents when your a grown adult. The only reason ive ever known people do that is to save a deposit or perhaps work going on at their own house (as a temporary thing). There’s a whole world out there, she’s got a great career, so she could either be saving for a place of her own or rent with friends.

Im pretty sure she’s going to regret wasting her good salary on botox when she had a chance to save. She needs the parents to be firm with her, not pander to her like a teenager.

well my point is that now in our world, there are 35 year old american men moving back with their mum with their british wife and child in tow. Btw he has a college degree and a job he can do remotely plus has worked for years, so has his wife. So this example of a 25 year old kid still at home, no one raises an eyebrow these days. I did live at home to save a deposit and when I was doing that circa 2016 to 2019, we were far from the only ones, dh worked for an investment bank and he had colleagues on far higher salaries than this young lady doing the same thing. I mean there are guys on 80k who can't afford to buy on their own so yeah someone on 30k should probably cherish this opportunity.

I am from a different culture and grew up in a multigenerational household (though it was a very different set up- my dad and mum paid all the bills while my grandma did the childcare, and my dad gave my grandma an allowance plus paid for her medical bills and eventually a domestic helper to care exclusively for her). So in a sense, western culture coming full circle after a historical blip of 70 years (post war boom and home ownership becoming available to the masses)- i don't think its strange. Its natural for there to be friction as we all get accustomed to this new reality but at the same time, we should probably accept the fact that many many young adults are going to be like this young lady, my BIL and perhaps even live with their parents into their 40s.

@breadandroses92Yes, but at some point the older family members want to stop working so hard to subsidize the younger ones!

It sounds as if the OP might like to start planning for retirement, perhaps working less hours, having some nice holidays, but at present, he has no idea when his adult SD is planning to start supporting herself. Plus he mentions other children so if SD is the eldest, it’s setting a precedent for the younger ones to expect Dad to financially support them through their 20’s.

He says that he feels as if life is zooming by as he supports everyone else-I have some sympathy, he deserves a break. Why can’t he spend his money on Botox instead of the household bills?! 😂

She has studied and qualified and got a 30k job at 25 so she’s not exactly doing nothing.

we don’t know she isn’t saving. She’s said she can’t buy a house for 5,years without a partner. Saving 500 a month for 5 years would give a 30k deposit and on 30k she can borrow about 130k, factor in some pay rises in the next 5 years and in 5 years time she probably is able to get a 200k house. I would expect her to be able to do it earlier so her statement to her mum is realistic. We have no insight in to how much she is spending v saving v contributing to the house so can’t comment on it.

@SkiSkii You're right, that would certainly be his best option financially. Mother and daughter can live together and pay the bills, he won’t be liable for any of them.

Multi generational accommodation may be the norm in other countries, but I'm not sure there is an expectation that all the financial burden rests with one person.

How is the DSD expecting to finance her year travelling? Even if there is any savings- which I very much doubt - this will all be eaten up if she isn't planning to get jobs while she is away.

OP I am 53 and DH is 55 and DS 17 is due to go to uni this year. We will obviously miss him but the timing is a good one for us to consider retiring at 60 or thereabouts. I have already said to DH that if he were to move back after university, it would have to be on very different terms than he is here now. My SIL and BIL have adult DCs with them, they pay a monthly set amount or they move out. Those are the terms.

I'm afraid you've done the family no favours by not getting your DP to at least make a nominal contribution to the household bills, your DSD is doubtless looking for a similar arrangement with her life partner, which could be why she spends heavily on beauty treatments and Botox to attract the right mate.

I'd say she needs to start paying a monthly amount. if your DP wants to pay it for her, well that's her lookout, and you start planning your future plans, spending some of that money on things you enjoy.

Theres so much 'wrong' here.

1. YOU paying ALL the BILLS!!!!!!!

( this would *iss me off big time)

1. Lifetime - baggage of partner.

( shared houses are quite cheap)

1. Partner having ' free ride'

( And disengaged)

1. SD Irresponsible Lifestyle.
2. Future Expectation not discussed

( Everyone assumes YOU will be there to Lean on)

My kids will leave for Uni and i’ll still be late 40’s. They will be starting out on their own journey to be independent adults and i’ll be doing everything I can to make sure they can stand on their own two feet. I dont know anyone who would ever want to live with their parents in their 40’s in the UK. There are exceptional circumstances when people might need to move back in - marriage break ups, loss of earnings etc - but its not in this culture to live with your parents usually past early 20’s. I appreciate that may be different in other parts of the world.

She may have got a job and a decent salary, but she can’t even pay her parents abit towards the bills on time. She has her Mum acting like her own personal maid. By 25, most people can hold down a job, pay rent/mortgage/bills and cope with running their flat or house (cleaning, cooking, washing etc). She won’t grow up if she’s not taught to stand on her own two feet.

The West is slowly becoming multi-generational, it seems. I feel for you, OP. Nearly all my friends have DC still living with them in their late twenties, because London. They can't leave.

Multi generational accommodation may be the norm in other countries
it's all a bit regressive & third world though isnt it, never properly separating from parental control etc

You not only have a stepdaughter problem you have a DP problem. Your partner seems to be happy doing her adult daughters washing, cooking and cleaning her room (?!) so unless your partner is on the same page as you with regards to your SD paying her bills on time and having a long term plan to move out then this isn't going to work. And until you will have to make that clear to your partner.

Rent her room whilst she travels if poss

There’s a big difference between mutually supportive multi-generational living and the parents being perpetual cash cows/cleaners/cooks for adult children.

As I said above, perhaps the OP would prefer to spend his salary on Botox and travel, instead of paying all the household bills indefinitely!

Botox in her 20s. I just want to weep.

it's all a bit regressive & third world though isnt it, never properly separating from parental control etc

Well, in this case, and in many others, the parents aren't so much in control as the offspring.

use the plan to travel to put some boundaries in. Only allowed to return to the house once she has shown a standing order for 600 is in place

A couple of my friends have gently tried to ease their DC out once working and earning, but were greeted with cries of "We didn't ask to be born into this terrible world" , which seems to be quite common these days. My own DC tend to go on rather too much about how Gen Z is the most unfortunate generation ever. I nip that in the bud. I shall have to see what happens if we downsize.

Nip this in the bud. Make it clear that when she comes home she will have to get her own place. It's that or she pays market rent on the roomand a third of all bills to force her into a situation where she is not better off staying with you.

Downsizing is a really good idea. Free up some money towards your own "lifestyle". Go on your own nice trip with your wife.

Adult children, step or otherwise can be really hard to live with. Both my parents and my in law's had issues with children not flying the nest. In both case my sibling and sibling in law had to be kicked out and forced to stand on their own two feet.

My cousin was bullied by her 30 something son. She was in a bind because she wasn't getting on with him in her house but she couldn't bring herself to kick him out.

Because she is a step-child. Nothing of the sort would have been said, had she been his real daughter.