Step Daughter no inclination to make her way

[Miffed1233]

I’ll try and state this factually & unemotionally

1. SD has a professional career ahead of her and earns around 30k as a newbie. She studied hard to get qualified. Probably has the most disposable income in our household

2. reluctantly (& rarely on time) pays towards household utility bills. Each month is a manual payment. Has avoided setting up a sto and has to be asked, frequently nagged and in some cases has been more than 10 days late paying. Comes across as avoidant

3. I earn a lot more than my DP so pay all bills / mortgage (except food, which she pays). I haven’t minded doing this previously when children were young, but….

4. sd clearly not saving towards a house and whenever her mum brings it up says she wont be in a position to buy a house for at least 5 years or unless she meets a man. (Her dating rarely goes beyond 3-5 dates before she is dumped)

She spends her income on frippery…Botox and overpriced beauty products / shoes / clothes (did I mention shoes?)

5. Has now announced she is taking a year off to go travelling (for the 2nd time)

For info I’m mid 50’s and have reached a point where I’m finding it immoral that I’m having to continue to put a roof over her head whilst she has a “lifestyle”.
On current course will be in my 60’s before she “grows up”. I feel like this isn’t what I signed up for, life is too short etc

I’m normally the first to leap to the defence of youngsters today and the pressure of social media / house prices etc they face compared to my generation but feel this is not taking responsibility. I oscillate between wanting to downsize…so she gets the message (we live in a big house & she has a very nice room) and realising this isn’t something I’d actually want to do if I didn’t have this resentment. AIBU?

Talking with her mother about it is difficult. She agrees she should be saving for a house but is powerless to make her do so and meantime does everything for her (cooking, washing, cleaning her room). She defaults to defending her daughter and sees me as “attacking” her all the time. Love my DP to bits….what should I do? I feel my life is zooming by and I’ll have spent the majority of it providing for my children and hers and will be doing so well into my retirement. Surely this isn’t the natural order of life?

Putting aside my frustration it’s also sad that she is very capable and has more capacity than most but isn’t seizing or recognising the opportunity and good position she is interested

AIBU

I do agree, and would say the same about my DC too. But it's a huge step and I wonder if too much parenting has made it so? We have tried to do our best as parents, and I am wondering if we should have done a bit less.

Ooh goody another descent into a political thread.

This has nothing to do with inequality or cost of living, or how bad the younger generation have it versus us older people, or indeed how British people are worse than every other country because of our alleged individualism.

I bet if DSD handed over her share of the utilities without groaning and prevarication OP wouldn't even have started this thread. She earns £30k and he is probably looking for a couple of hundred at most.

This is simply a thread about a selfish person refusing to act as an adult and being pandered to by her DM. A simple domestic drama.

@breadandroses1992

This is what you said:
which is why there was a article about more indians owning property in London than british people

**

I hope I will - I am a freelancer with no private pension, take each day as it comes, even paid private school fees on that basis, explaining it to dc - if I make enough for the next term, you will continue, if I don't, then you move schools. I am hoping my 25-year old will be happy enough to want to stay if they want to stay or move out if they move out. But I would be delighted to look after them and their children financially (God willing, obviously). I don't have hobbies apart from reading (cheap), music (radio, cheap) and theatre (radio, cheap). I would consider myself lucky if I were able to afford to do it. Honestly.

There speaks the voice of reason 👏🏻

The obvious answer is to talk to your dp about her financial security and get her to agree to charge her full rent, which you will save for her for a house deposit. If she doesn't agree to this she can find a house share with adults her own age. My partner lived at home until he was 25 (this was late then) and he said he wished he had been encouraged and advised to buy a house which he would have been able to afford at the time, he said it just wasn't on his radar. It sounds like your SD needs more financial advice and encouragement, she will never have this advantage of being able to save again and she's wasting it and taking advantage.

Agree 👍

Its a little off the topic - but I do think it probably stems from that and to some extent, we are all guilty of it with younger children. The age kids walk to school by themselves, the age kids go to town by themselves, get on a bus etc has all got later and later. You only have to look at the (dreaded!) school whats app chats to see how parents literally do everything for their kids, rather than the kids needing to remember things for themselves and learn some independence. How did my parents cope without the group chat? We had to remember it ourselves for school or we got detention.

The world is as dangerous as it was 20/30 years ago and yet we seem to wrap kids in cotton wool so much more than we did when I was younger. We dont seem to think they are capable of things they used to be able to do at the same age perfectly well.

We had rented properties before we had a mortgage, always moved by ourselves etc, never asked for help. I didn’t think I was doing anything unusual running a home, raising kids late 20’s. Plenty of my friends had kids too and all had homes they owned or rented (juggled with work/childcare etc).

I also find it slightly cringey when we talk about relationships with kids in their 20’s still living at home. Its one thing asking your parents if its ok for your boyfriend to stay at 17/18, but mid-20’s is just so odd for me. Bringing your boyfriend back to a house with your parents in, im not surprised the OP’s daughter struggles with new relationships.

I do agree with the comments that its tough out there for young renters but the OP’s daughter could be saving a huge chunk of her salary living at home (short term) with a plan and not wasting her money away.

@ORLt Fair enough, but many people are ready to reduce their responsibilities after years of supporting everyone-it sounds like the OP is.

Tbh, I can’t see myself still wanting to financially support/cook/clean/do the housework for my children in another 10 years. I’ll be nearly 60, they’ll be 28 and 25, and I’ll be ready to scale back. 😂

But we don’t know that she’s not saving

What? Of course it’s the natural order of things - YOU chose to have children and step children. You don’t get to choose how capable they are not whether they are a good, diligent person or a bit of a test. You committed to them as a parent though.

as for funding your partner? Did she carry your children for 9 months and physically damage her body for this? Care for them? Contribute to child rearing, emotionally support you, etc etc? Your finances are combined - a choice you made - there is no option for “what’s yours is yours, what’s mine is mine”. Unless you don’t you both as combined and want to split of course?

if you want to bugger off and travel the world go do it. That fine. Just don’t expect a family sitting there waiting for you when you come back.

@Devonshiregal At what point does a parent’s financial commitment to their adult child end?

No you shouldn’t be having to subsidise her, think you need to agree a reasonable board and lodgings that not only doesn’t leave you out of pocket but compensates for having another adult in the house who is there simply because leaves her with lots of disposable income. I have 1 adult DC still living at home which I don’t mind as in full time education and don’t expect them to move out immediately after getting first proper job but would expect them to have saved up for a house/rental deposit within a couple of years

We can only go on what the OP said and he gave the impression she wasn’t. Although if you are many days late on paying your parents a small amount towards the bills, it doesn’t suggest someone financially very responsible. The first thing they need to put in place (today), is a fair amount towards the bills set up to go out of her account on pay day. She needs to pull her weight equally around the house too.

Surely if you were living at home at 25, you would have plenty of discussions with your parents about when you were moving out, plans to rent, saving a deposit etc? It wouldn’t just be open-ended so im sure her parents would have a good idea if she was saving.

the only thing we can take from the op that is definitely wrong is the paying late. For everything else we can’t tell as there is not enough information:

• we don’t know the amount t she pays so can’t judge that
• she pays begrudgingly, well I mean no one really wants to pay bills, it’s just something you have to do
• she buys shoes - is that 10 pairs at 1,000 each which would be very extravagant or a pair of trainers, some work shoes and some boots at less than 100 each which might be reasonable.
• the dp does the cooking, laundry etc but we don’t know if the sd expects it. Maybe if doing it for younger children, it’s just as easy to make her a portion/throw her clothes in too
• when asked about buying a house she says it would take 5 years - pretty reasonable assumption even if saving a lot per month and I don’t think it’s it would be that normal to tell your parents how much you have in savings.

not saying that the sd is in the right but just feel like there isn’t enough info to conclude that she is a spoilt brat who is taking advantage and saving no money as a lot of people have concluded.

Some properly bonkers replies on here. If y'all want to work into your 60s/70s to support grown ups then crack on - I'll be on a sunbed somewhere with a fully loaded Kindle.

Can only agree, since when were parents expected to subsidise kids through their 20s?? It’s one thing helping them start off into adulthood or helping them during hard times, quite another subsidising their Botox 🤦🏻‍♀️

I don’t believe ever - THEIR adult CHILD is exactly that. Theirs.

Just as with differing physically abilities, you don’t get to decide how your child will turn out mentally. If a person is content and “functioning” you wouldn’t need to support them. They’ll be self sufficient. However mental health diagnoses and physical disabilities and simply the world’s economics can have a huge impact on a person’s ability to be self-sufficient.

I believe that when you have a child you look down at them and vow to protect them and ensure their happiness to the best of their ability. What age do you break that vow and put yourself first? For me it’s never. For me I decided to bring them into this world - they didn’t ask me to - so I’m committed for life.

Wow. As I posted earlier, apparently if you bring DC into the world, you have them for life. Because they didn't ask to be born!

I am not getting Botox, but apparently it's my duty to subsidise my DD;s Botox, should she get any.

Ohh you sound proper nasty, @Floofydawg, spending your retirement soaking up the sun.
i have a mental image of Madge from “Benidorm” on her scooter. 🤣

(Totally joking, of course, wish you all the best).

🙄

You may have vowed to protect your child and ensure their happiness but my intention was to bring up an independent and useful member of society.

i think I’d better call my Dad (85) to let him know that I need a holiday and could he please pay my household bills so I can have a break. I could def. use some Botox as well.

@Devonshiregal do you have adult children?

😂 My 78yo mum would laugh me out of the room!