Step Daughter no inclination to make her way

[Miffed1233]

I’ll try and state this factually & unemotionally

1. SD has a professional career ahead of her and earns around 30k as a newbie. She studied hard to get qualified. Probably has the most disposable income in our household

2. reluctantly (& rarely on time) pays towards household utility bills. Each month is a manual payment. Has avoided setting up a sto and has to be asked, frequently nagged and in some cases has been more than 10 days late paying. Comes across as avoidant

3. I earn a lot more than my DP so pay all bills / mortgage (except food, which she pays). I haven’t minded doing this previously when children were young, but….

4. sd clearly not saving towards a house and whenever her mum brings it up says she wont be in a position to buy a house for at least 5 years or unless she meets a man. (Her dating rarely goes beyond 3-5 dates before she is dumped)

She spends her income on frippery…Botox and overpriced beauty products / shoes / clothes (did I mention shoes?)

5. Has now announced she is taking a year off to go travelling (for the 2nd time)

For info I’m mid 50’s and have reached a point where I’m finding it immoral that I’m having to continue to put a roof over her head whilst she has a “lifestyle”.
On current course will be in my 60’s before she “grows up”. I feel like this isn’t what I signed up for, life is too short etc

I’m normally the first to leap to the defence of youngsters today and the pressure of social media / house prices etc they face compared to my generation but feel this is not taking responsibility. I oscillate between wanting to downsize…so she gets the message (we live in a big house & she has a very nice room) and realising this isn’t something I’d actually want to do if I didn’t have this resentment. AIBU?

Talking with her mother about it is difficult. She agrees she should be saving for a house but is powerless to make her do so and meantime does everything for her (cooking, washing, cleaning her room). She defaults to defending her daughter and sees me as “attacking” her all the time. Love my DP to bits….what should I do? I feel my life is zooming by and I’ll have spent the majority of it providing for my children and hers and will be doing so well into my retirement. Surely this isn’t the natural order of life?

Putting aside my frustration it’s also sad that she is very capable and has more capacity than most but isn’t seizing or recognising the opportunity and good position she is interested

AIBU

Encourage the year travelling. Having to pay for everything she needs for a year will help her learn the value of things. Ensure when she gets back that she sets up somewhere to live and a job within a month of her return.

I would gently but bluntly say: If you live with us, on that good salary, you must start acting like an adult - paying your way, on time, and putting money aside for a house deposit. You don't need botox. You do need your independence and a home of your own, whether rented or bought.

@Tooosday why don't you tell them? Take the reins and tell them all what's Happening or tell them you will be off (and mean it)

This does not have to be your reality!!!!

@stomachamelon yes, that's the obvious thing to do but I don't want the upheaval of moving & wouldn't be able to afford to buy on my own.

I am hoping to get 'D' 🙄H on side to agree to some changes and actually keep working on him until he does. Usually when I mention it he says 'hmmm, he needs a house' & it goes no further.
I need to get more forceful obviously. I've had a lot on with my work recently, so haven't had the energy to pursue it

Why would a 25 year old be expected to contribute to the running costs of her parents house when she is gone for a year?

most people who go away for year would end their lease or look to sub-lease/ lease out their place.

what she does when she gets back is a different matter.

Time for her to move out to her rented own place and be responsible for herself financially.

@Tooosday I wasn't getting at you. I have three sons and sometimes I plant a seed and revisit.
I just wouldn't let this slide. It's not unreasonable on your part. It's all in the sales pitch :)

Wtf? Did you actually read OP'S posts?

Why is it always jealousy on MN?

No, I don't think OP is jealous. Give over.

I agree with PP’s, encourage the year of traveling and use that time to discuss the situation with your DP.

In my mind, 25 is the tipping point for assuming adult responsibilities. By 25, they’re “proper” adults and should be regularly contributing to their living expenses. Your DSD will be 26 by the time she returns and it’s time she stopped behaving like a teenager.

@stomachamelon

Mmmm, I never was a great saleswoman...

I tend to get ratty when the subject is broached (by me - they never raise it obvs 🫤).

The irony of it is, DH & I tick along quite nicely when they don't live here.
It was fantastic during Covid! 🤨

Could you not give her your house op?

Honestly that’s what some posters on here seem to think

@Tooosday I totally get that.

Your main problem is your DP as she is not on your side.
Who does the house belong to? Why is she only paying for food?
How long have you been together? Are their other children?
I think you need to be having a serious chat with your partner and confirming this is not ok. You are being taken advantage of. If rent is due it's paid on time every single month.
No exceptions.
Realistically I want to give loads of advice but whilst her mother is still treating her like a 6 year old there's nothing wr can say that will really help. You have a DP problem coz if she was on your side none of this would happen.
You need to seriously think if this is what you want your future to look like as it's not going to get better.

Many years ago my uncle and aunt downsized in order to get rid of their freeloading 28yo son

Mine is back but pays board and, although not the tidiest person alive, behaves well - always asks if it’s ok if his girlfriend comes over etc

Im quite enjoying having him back - although he’s moving out soon.

Mine would have chopped off her own arm rather than move back home. She's 20 and fully independent and I couldn't be more proud.

What is it you want though - to move out? To pay more rent? To save more?

I think you need to work out what you want then come up with a plan.

if it’s to move out then say that after traveling she can only come back for x months before getting her own place

if to save then make her pay more but put an element aside (are you sure she’s not saving - I don’t think my parents were ever aware how much I saved)

if to contribute more then set clear rules in place.

I think for me she needs to have a standing order set up to pay her way, that would be non negotiable. Not sure what she pays you but I’d be asking for a minimum of 20% of her net monthly pay.

if your DP wants to continue to do her chores than let her, in the grand scheme of things I don't think that really contributes to her not wanting to move out. She sounds like she probably doesn’t appreciate or notice what gets done for her anyway.

its a tough one, you want to help your kids but don’t want them to be taking the piss and she should be looking at her future and considering saving up now while she can instead of blowing all her money every month. I know someone who ended up paying their 35 year old sons house deposit because they were so desperate to get him out, maybe that’s her tactic 🤣

on the flip side she might go travelling for a year and come back and decide she enjoyed her own space and move out, your DP might enjoy it also and realise that it’s time for her to move out. I’d let her go travelling and have the conversation when she comes back about her plans for moving out

idk i find this post sad. why are you begrudging her joy/travel/buying what she likes...she is spending her own money. she is living in her family home and paying her own way and you want to kick her out. i dont get it. you should know that everything is stacked against young people nowadays... i really dont understand this attitude. of course she wont be in a position to buy a house until 5 years, have you seen house prices? some people take a bit more time than others, some people mature slightly slower, thats just the way it is. she is your family, by marriage, but still. how long have you been her stepfather?

🙄

@followmyflow Things are stacked up against young people but that doesn't mean she shouldn't endeavour to try.

It's a poor attitude for her to not want to help contribute to the family household. She's begrudgingly paying 1 bill in the house but has the ability to save up and go traveling for a year. She can enjoy her life whilst also setting herself up for the future and also pulling her weight in the house.

It's not so much that he wants to kick her out but he also doesn't want her living there forever which is fair

DH and i have been on the other end, we were earning £75k combined by the end of our 3 year stint (in 2019) with his mum (while his mum was earning below minimum wage). His mum refused all of our contributions. We did save up a lot of money and bought our flat in London at age 27 and 29. In all fairness, we ended up living there as i had to wait for the home office to issue my visa and while i was working while waiting for my visa, we weren't really in the position to rent. That alone took 8 months, and it took around a year for dh and i to be stable in our jobs, and then another year to buy a flat (got gazumped twice!). so yes that does add up to 3 years!

i think she may still not be totally aware of her financial future if she doesn't plan (and it doesn't sound like she is getting any cash gifts). I am not sure why but a lot of people seem to think that everything will work out eventually. Show her the numerous articles in the media where people are renting privately in their 40s on middling incomes (she could easily be one of those on middling incomes, we don't know her true earning potential at 25) and how it sucks 50% of their incomes. Sounds crass but i am sure you probably know some real life examples. that should give her a wake up call. Explain that for most people, it is inheritance, bank of mum and dad or hotel of mum and dad that gets them the deposit. Given that its hotel of mum and dad that she has access to, she should be thanking her lucky stars and kissing the ground you walk on (not even kidding) cos so many people would kill for that.

Eh? 😬

At 23 I had moved out of home. By 27 I was married with a child. You're doing her no favours at her age by treating her like a baby. She'll live with you until she's in her 30s!!!

Too many young people are infantilised by their parents these days; it does them no favours; yes living alone is expensive but that's life
I agree, but the unaffordability of housing also serves as a disincentive to independent living.
Fledging/flying the nest is an important rite of passage!

we stayed with his mum until late 20s and then bought a flat. His sister moved out, rented, got married, continued renting, rented a bigger flat with a baby and dog. She seemed a lot independent then and was actually quite sneery about us still living at home.

They are now moving back to live with his mum at the ages of 31 and 35, with a baby in tow. to be fair, they are fleeing a war but her dh told me they were planning to move back with the baby to his mother's house as she has a good size house (and her mum is sponsoring his wife's visa). That was a good year before the war . I suppose the war expedited the decision.

There is the term boomerang kids, its a lot easier to live with your parents in your 20s compared to your 30s. I am glad i stayed with MIL in my 20s rather than moved out and rented and then found i had to stay with her again (just as when most people are planning to start their own little families) as I didn't have any proper savings due to renting.