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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ungrateful MIL - absolutely LIVID

388 replies

Lipbalmstrawberry · 19/02/2024 18:38

It’s MIL’s birthday today and we went out for a meal at lunchtime. I gave her her gift which was a blouse from River Island and when she opened it she just was like “Eugh, I don’t think this will suit me. It probably won’t fit me either.” “Have you got the receipt? I’ll go in and change it when go into town on Friday. If not you can keep it I don’t like that.” all with a scowl on her face. I was completely aghast and fuming so I just lied and said I don’t have the receipt and put it back in my bag. Not a word of thanks! I felt even a bit humiliated to be honest.

The rest of the lunch was completely normal and she was talking to me as though nothing happened but inside I was absolutely seething and I still am to be honest. I wished I’d have told her to not be so rude! And she never even said thank you for the cake either!

WIBU to not bother with a cake and present next year? I’m thinking of not bothering after that reaction.

OP posts:
Elizadooalot · 21/02/2024 03:04

IggyAce · 19/02/2024 18:41

Leave the gift buying to her child, I’d definitely not make the effort again.

This, let your partner buy their own mothers gift or stick to gift vouchers. If she complains about that, remind her of her reaction this year and her rudeness.

Notastayathomemum · 21/02/2024 04:07

HarrogateHouseSale · 19/02/2024 18:41

Buying your MIL a blouse from River Island is an oddly personal gift
At least she was honest, you can get a refund and your money isnt wasted.
Why dont you have a receipt? Regifting or shoplifting?

Where does the cake come into it?

Why so abrasive???

peakygold · 21/02/2024 07:58

Is she displaying any other signs of dementia, because this is textbook?

SquidTableau · 21/02/2024 08:42

@Hunkydory99 Ah the insufficient gift crap... my mother reduced me to tears when i called to wish her a happy birthday because apparently a personalised calendar, a book and a handmade gift from a grandchild were not sufficient for her (even though she was well aware we were facing dh redundancy and I'm a SAHM). She was so appalling rude and ungrateful, I wouldn't allow dc to not say thank you for a gift no matter what, but its fine for her.

thenovice · 21/02/2024 09:56

Reading this thread has been so revealing. There are so many people who are rude and have no manners! No wonder society is getting nastier and more unkind by the minute.
Poor OP. You are not to blame for your MIL's reaction. Your husband should be having a word with her about treating you that way. Just don't get involved with present buying for her again EVER. Flowers

zingally · 21/02/2024 10:45

She was very rude, but also... River Island is a strange destination to get a present for a woman who is probably at least in her 50s? That's a shop for teenagers and 20-somethings. I'm nearly 40 and probably haven't bought anything from there in 10 years at least.

But from now on, present buying can be the responsibility of her actual child.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 21/02/2024 10:55

Didn't your DP realise that his mother would not like nor wear a blouse from River Island, I was going to ask how old she is as there is no way I would buy a MIL anything from R L

I see further down you say she's 68 - good grief what were you thinking of !
it's far too young a shop for her, and far too expensive for what it is for her.

My daughter would be happy in R L but she is less than half my age and I am younger than MIL.

M&S or John Lewis, and always include a gift receipt with clothing gifts.
esp as clothing sizes can very from shop to shop.

She may have been rude or abrupt, she was inwardly thinking wtf am i going to do with this ! and didn't handle it well.

Shame you lied about the receipt.

FasterthanaButteredOtter · 21/02/2024 11:05

@rubyredknowsitall it's just not the done thing

Says who? Maybe in your little family but I can assure you, most of the world buys clothes for other people. Confused

FasterthanaButteredOtter · 21/02/2024 11:06

NoOrdinaryMorning · 20/02/2024 14:52

Would you rather she lied?! It is very bizarre behaviour to buy your MIL clothing. Especially from somewhere aimed at teens and early 20s like River Island

It's not bizarre at all Confused especially when she'd said she needed some new ones, which I would take as a present hint!

threatmatrix · 21/02/2024 11:13

She dealt with it in the wrong way and was really rude but saying that I wouldn’t randomly pick a blouse for someone unless they’d expressed a liking for it beforehand.

FasterthanaButteredOtter · 21/02/2024 11:14

Zone2NorthLondon · 20/02/2024 20:25

i don’t understand why so many women acquiesce to being the default present choser. It’s his mum he can chose, surely? I don’t chose or buy fir my partner family, dp can do that. Sure I might make a suggestion but no I don’t pick or purchase gifts for dp family. And I don’t send all the cards either

She said they chose the gift together.

threatmatrix · 21/02/2024 11:19

FancyJapflack · 19/02/2024 19:20

Only on Mumsnet 😂😂😂

Of course her reaction was disgustingly rude. Never bother again.

Show quote history

Only!
im 58 and a size 10, I often buy pieces in River Island, obviously not their young styles but the odd top etc. does this poster think we all shrivel up and wither when we become mil.

andHelenknowsimmiserablenow · 21/02/2024 11:27

My DM is the same, she never hides her distaste if the 'wrong' present is brought, and has even gifted me back the same present at Christmas! I have learnt now Boots or M&S vouchers only unless we have seen something while out together and she has said she liked it.
I could never imagine hurting my DD feelings if she bought something for me I didn't love, but then luckily she has excellent taste 😁

dinkdink · 21/02/2024 11:41

I’m 45 in a few weeks and as long as I suit them I will buy my clothes from any brand I see fit, a shirt or jumper from river island could be great, I’ve know 80 yr olds buying knitwear from Topshop and they look great then again I am into fashion and fashion is fun, far too many serious people with lack of empathy these days

angela1952 · 21/02/2024 12:13

My DS and DIL once gave me a top that I really didn't like but I still thanked them and wore it once when I saw them. Later it went to the charity shop.

Jem57 · 21/02/2024 12:32

MIL here,my daughter in law did exactly the same to me when I gave her a birthday present,she does it all the time,I don’t bother anymore.

SausageRoll58 · 21/02/2024 12:48

I'd never buy that awful woman anything again, not even a hideous tatty ornament from Poundland! What a horrible brat she is!

Lplatecook · 21/02/2024 12:51

Lipbalmstrawberry · 19/02/2024 18:38

It’s MIL’s birthday today and we went out for a meal at lunchtime. I gave her her gift which was a blouse from River Island and when she opened it she just was like “Eugh, I don’t think this will suit me. It probably won’t fit me either.” “Have you got the receipt? I’ll go in and change it when go into town on Friday. If not you can keep it I don’t like that.” all with a scowl on her face. I was completely aghast and fuming so I just lied and said I don’t have the receipt and put it back in my bag. Not a word of thanks! I felt even a bit humiliated to be honest.

The rest of the lunch was completely normal and she was talking to me as though nothing happened but inside I was absolutely seething and I still am to be honest. I wished I’d have told her to not be so rude! And she never even said thank you for the cake either!

WIBU to not bother with a cake and present next year? I’m thinking of not bothering after that reaction.

It seems that your mil did not realise that she was being rude. It is likely that this will be a long term relationship and it would be worthwhile to raise this with her in a reasonable manner.

It would have been better to have done this at the time, to let her know how you feel, that she had unintentionally hurt your feelings.

Now that time had passed, another opportunity could be taken.

This would be best done in person, so that neither party misunderstands tbe other.

If this is not possible, then a short, polite message is needed to her to convey your feelings.

HotChocolateNotCocoa · 21/02/2024 13:04

Would you rather she lied?!

She didn’t have to lie outright. She could have just said thank you to acknowledge the gesture, even if the gift wasn’t to her taste. There was nothing to stop her asking for the receipt later in saw it didn’t fit. No one needs to hear “What’s this bloody old tat?”

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 21/02/2024 13:08

FasterthanaButteredOtter · 21/02/2024 11:05

@rubyredknowsitall it's just not the done thing

Says who? Maybe in your little family but I can assure you, most of the world buys clothes for other people. Confused

Really? For "people" who aren't children?

Mother in law mentioned that she needs a new blouse. Not sure how that translates into buying a random blouse from a random brand.

Other than scarves and gloves, I wouldn't dream of buying clothes for an adult unless it was a brand I knew they loved, and already owned or had said "did you see that blouse in River Island, isn't it great"

The only adult I buy clothes for is my husband - and even then it's limited to knitwear in a style I know he likes. Husband very occasionally has bought clothes as a present for me but only from shops or brands he knows I really like and already own.

Still puzzling why River Island is deemed inappropriate for a 68 year old. The blouses and shirts on their website looked safe and boring to this 64 year old. So, yes, I wouldn't be thrilled by a present from there.

What's the MN acceptable position on politely saying, "thank you dear, but it's not really my thing"? Is that more offensive than letting daughter in law waste her money and it going straight to a charity shop?

Dweetfidilove · 21/02/2024 13:09

Her reaction was dreadful!

Do you not get gift receipts, so the receiver can exchange if it doesn’t suit?

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 21/02/2024 13:13

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 21/02/2024 10:55

Didn't your DP realise that his mother would not like nor wear a blouse from River Island, I was going to ask how old she is as there is no way I would buy a MIL anything from R L

I see further down you say she's 68 - good grief what were you thinking of !
it's far too young a shop for her, and far too expensive for what it is for her.

My daughter would be happy in R L but she is less than half my age and I am younger than MIL.

M&S or John Lewis, and always include a gift receipt with clothing gifts.
esp as clothing sizes can very from shop to shop.

She may have been rude or abrupt, she was inwardly thinking wtf am i going to do with this ! and didn't handle it well.

Shame you lied about the receipt.

The being 68 is irrelevant, but I agree with the rest of your post. Buying clothes is odd unless you've had a clear steer towards a particular item.

TiredMummma · 21/02/2024 14:16

Rude but I agree with others - don't buy clothes unless you know they want something. It's been hard to hide my disappointment over the years from the bad choices my sister makes.

dinkdink · 21/02/2024 14:32

FasterthanaButteredOtter · 21/02/2024 11:06

It's not bizarre at all Confused especially when she'd said she needed some new ones, which I would take as a present hint!

Show quote history

I can’t believe how many people have old fashioned views I’m with you how can it possibly be classed as bizarre 😅

MrsMarshmellow · 21/02/2024 14:50

Seems like there’s some over reaction to this from the OP as the ‘rest of the lunch went fine’ and was talking as if nothing had happened. ‘Seething inside’ is an unusual reaction and shouldn’t have lied about the receipt - this is a childish response.
How refreshing the MIL ‘said it how it is’ without tip-toeing around the subject. Mind you, if everyone was more honest like the MIL there would be no threads like this and Mumsnet would be a very dull place….