AIBU to wonder if sleep training negatively impacts a child (attachment theory)?

[user666555]

Hi,

So this isn't a thread to bash anyone who has sleep trained. I'm genuinely curious of people's experiences with sleep training. I'd genuinely like to hear people's opinions especially those that have sleep trained.

A big part of my degree was child psychology focused and I learnt about the attachment theory and how children require stable attachments with their caregivers during the early years of their lives in order to go on to form secure attachments. However, I'm curious as to whether sleep training impacts this? I understand that in hindsight it's a small part of a child's life where they're being taught to self soothe. However, everything I've always been taught in relation to psychology has always focused on the importance of being present and not allowing a child to stay in distress in those early years (if you can help it, of course this isn't always possible).

So my question is, AIBU to wonder if sleep training impacts children in the long term?

Again, I'm not opposed to gentle sleep training (at an appropriate age of course) however, I've always wondered this.

P.S. I was once having a conversation with my DDs health visitor who was telling me about babies who have mums that do not tend to their cries (often due to drug abuse/abuse in general) and those babies stop crying as much. She said this isn't because the babies have soothed themselves. It's because the babies learnt that their needs won't be met by crying so they developed avoidant attachment styles as they felt as though their needs are unheard. She mentioned that work has to be done with these babies and children to allow them to rely on caregivers again - I know this isn't the same but I found this so heartbreaking.

Everything you’ll have replied here will be anecdotal. I sleep trained my DS and he’s a very confident, outgoing and happy five year old now who just told me he “loves me sixty two billion” thirty seconds ago. So I think he’s fine. I also have my PhD in child psychology so had the same wonderings you had, but I’ve ended up with a content boy who sleeps through the night without fail so for us it was the right choice. I was a single parent when he was little though so I didn’t have anyone to share the nights which may have influenced my decisions.

I think it boils down to common sense. You won't damage your baby if you don't respond to every squeak they make. If you are leaving them screaming for hours then yes they will suffer ill effects. The sweet spot is somewhere in the middle and will depend on the personality and needs of individual DC. I left mine to cry a bit as a baby and he's a very confident happy teen now. I just did what felt right for him at the time. I'd imagine sleep deprivation would also have a negative effect on DC so sometimes you need to balance the two.

@Rtmhwales thank you for sharing. I'm actually asking because I'm open to possibly considering it if things don't get better with my DD after she's a bit older. I have minimal family support and my partner works long hours and drives for a living so cannot be too sleep deprived for that reason.

My DD has CMPA and terrible colic and reflux. At the moment I believe she's too young (12 weeks) but it's been really tough. I'm not against maybe trying it after she's 8ish months if things don't improve but I always re think what I was taught and have reservations about sleep training, it's to hear from someone like yourself who has a similar background but had a positive experience of sleep training.

With my children we did ‘gentle sleep training’ - they’re all attached to us but have totally different ways of showing it. My eldest wouldn’t tolerate co sleeping EVER and isn’t a big cuddler, my youngest would co sleep forever if possible and wants to be pressed up against someone at all times if possible.

As another poster said; this will all be anecdotal and who knows what is nature vs nurture (except in extreme cases as you describe above).

It was never necessary for me to sleep train my own kids as they got there very organically by themselves at a young age. If I’d had to though, I definitely would have.

I had to sleep train kids I was caring for (as per their parents’ guidelines) and it took a day and the kids were absolutely fine.

I agree with a PP that gentle sleep training is not even close to consistently ignoring a child and not meeting their needs.

My kids both got it in a handful of nights, and because of that, we've slept well their entire lives and been better equipped to care for them. Kids are now mid-primary age and seem fantastic. I'd do it again and recommend it to anyone.

I agree so much with this post.

Some of the "data" about sleep training affecting attachment is taken from poor babies in Romanian orphanages whose needs were constantly ignored as they were left in cots on their own day and night. Yes I can imagine this would affect their attachment. Ditto the babies of abused or drug addicted mums in your OP.

However I personally believe that doing a bit of careful sleep training with an otherwise well loved baby is unlikely to affect their attachment. As the above poster says, you have to balance it against the harms of the whole family being sleep deprived.

I only have anecdotal evidence but my DD1 really struggled to nap as a baby and by bedtime she was beside herself with over tiredness. So we did some sleep training which worked well. I'm pretty sure it hasn't affected her attachment to me or her ability to ask for what she needs/wants!

I really feel angry at new mums being made to feel they will damage their child if they are not rocking them every hour of the day and night.

I think if you consistently ignore your child's distress they will suffer. But I don't think sleep training is doing that. Tbh I never did it because it wasn't my style, but I think giving a small child room to learn to sleep on its own is completely fine. Of course there's going to be crying from someone whose only means of communication is crying. But I don't think a child can get used to being ignored because you're leaving it alone to sleep, at sleeping time, when it's tired. And I don't think those cries are necessarily distress (though I suppose they might be sometimes and that's why you don't leave the child indefinitely).

I was back working full-time and my son was still waking 3-5 times every night. I was absolutely broken. There were some mornings when I could barely look at him when I left the house to go to work. There were times when I hated him for how exhausted he was making me, how much he was impacting on my relationship with his older sister (too tired to be there for her). If that had been allowed to continue, his and my attachment would have been damaged irrevocably. Instead, we used a sleep consultant and after 2 nights of gentle sleep training, he slept through on the 3rd night.

If anyone even attempts to suggest that those 2 nights did more harm to our attachment than the weeks and months of sleep deprivation I would laugh at them.

9 years on, my fantastic adorable son is thriving and secure.

My anecdotal input is that my non-sleep-trained DD was the one to develop attachment issues (but tbf, there was good, non-sleep related, reasons for that) while my sleep-trained DS has a very secure and loving attachment to me (he's 6 now)

There's a world of difference between sleep training and leaving a child in distress for long periods of time.

No sleep training here. We respond to dd with love and warmth and understanding whenever she’s under stress. Sleep training is cruel. The science has been proven that it’s harmful, so I don’t understand why parents keep gloating about their ‘ success ‘ ? Your 5 yr is independent and knows to self soothe??? In 20 yrs from now, Ask your child’s partner if they’d agree with that statement!

Leaving an infant or young toddler to cry it out is neglectful mothering/fathering. Most adults can’t regulate themselves when stressed and you’re asking a young, immature brain to do it?

I was sleep trained. I have no mental health issues, have a number of strong personal relationships and a good marriage with my husband. I’m independent and self starting, but probably lacking in empathy and I’m a bit inconsiderate of others feelings unless I consciously remind myself to take them into account.

But who’s to know if any of that derives from being sleep trained.

I think some people would argue that helping a baby learn to sleep is responding to it with love, warmth, and understanding. Leaving it to cry for hours on end is indeed cruel, but that's not what sleep training is.

Cry it out isn't the only method of sleep training.

I personally could never ignore my child crying and I do believe it affects them negatively. It goes against all my maternal instincts. It might only affect them a BIT negatively if it's just a bit of sleep training but I don't want my child to ever believe, as a helpless innocent baby, that her mum won't respond to her cries.

I didn’t sleep train my three DC as they slept through the night at a really young age (12 hours at 12 weeks). I wasn’t prepared to feed them hourly and I always put them in their cot/Moses basket awake and then they went to sleep by themselves.
I think there is a middle ground from not putting your baby down and feeding 20 times a day and letting your baby cry it out. Does anyone actually do the latter?

You'll get lots of anecdotal replies - like I can tell you I did it with my two and they're both very securely attached. My eldest is 13 and thriving, very confident and happy.
I genuinely believe the impact of not doing it would have been far worse. Eldest had trouble sleeping for months and it had such a negative effect on her. She was becoming very emotional, aggressive, dark circles under eyes. Generally a miserable child. However only one night of sleep training resolved all that. She was transformed once she started sleeping properly (and I regained my sanity too!). She became happy, calm and smiley once again. Sleep is important for their development. I do know people who won't do it because they say it's cruel and they have 10 year old, 12 year old kids who still have quite serious sleep issues. I do believe years of poor sleep has a real impact on them, and their parents.

I don’t think you understand how sleep training works - you don’t leave them to cry endlessly. Nothing cruel about ensuring children and parents get a good nights sleep - it’s beneficial.
We sleep trained DT’s when they were five months - I was about to go back to work full time so we needed a good routine. Nothing stressful about it and DT’s are now in their early 20’s - happy healthy adults with a great bond with DH and I.

I sleep trained DS1 when he was 10mths old. It was over and done with in about 3 nights. He was never left to cry it out. He was, and still is, responded too whenever he was sad, in pain, lonely, needed some reassurance.

He is 29 now, and is absolutely fine, he has not suffered in any way at all from being sleep trained. He’s able to form relationships and has very strong relationships. He’s incredibly empathetic and is very well adjusted.

I agree with this.

I sleep trained because I felt like it was part of my job as a parent to teach my baby how to sleep so that they can grow and develop. Sleep is essential and it is possible to sleep train with love, warmth and understanding.

What I would love to know is whether those that are sleep trained as babies have a higher incidence of mental health issues in later life. But I can't find any studies on the point. I think this would be the most helpful data

I’m a social worker so have the attachment training and for the same reasons as you I was freaking out about the impact on attachment of sleep training.

However most of the studies are based on severe and multifaceted child neglect - such as the Romanian orphanage research.

There are often times when a baby cries without immediate consolation, such as in the car or pram when they want to be held and it just isn’t practical to do so.

I did sleep train mine in the end. The crying was actually minimal, less than a normal night of holding and consoling. It was done in 3 nights (3rd night was around 30th ones crying) and then sleep was amazing. She’s now 7 and very securely attached.

Not really the point of the post but can I ask how you did it??

I think that 'sleep training' is not a precise enough term to do this study. What does it even mean, precisely?

I was sleep trained and love my parents dearly and don't have any mental health issues or problems with forming relationships.
I sleep trained my children using the intervals method and they are very happy, loving children. They also still call out when they are ill, cold, need water and I respond.

The judgement and scaremongering is off the charts. Makes me very sad.