Going on hen do but not invited to main wedding

[SantasComingToTown]

Opinions please as I feel a bit put out….

As the title suggests I’m going on a hen do but my husband and I aren’t invited to the wedding, just the evening reception.

The hen is 3 days and has cost me £200. The Wedding was planned well before the hen do started to be arranged, but the bride (family) is very secretive so wouldn’t share the date or venue etc with anyone until the invites came out. We talk really regularly and the conversation for well over the last year has mainly been wedding based. I know she is having 80 people all day (more in the evening) so I wouldn’t say it’s a small wedding. She has also asked me to make loads of wedding signs and bits for her which I was happy to do (presuming I would be bringing them down with me to the wedding).

Now the invites have come through, we are only invited to the evening reception. We live 200 miles away and have a baby (wedding is baby free), it’s also on a weekday and both my husband and work the day of and the day after the wedding, so it’s going to be no mean feat to get there for what will be a few hours in reality.

AIBU to feel a bit put out about this? Why would you invite someone to your expensive hen do and then not even give the courtesy of a day time invite, especially when you know how far away they live. I would understand if they wedding was really small (30/40 people) but it’s not.

For context, we had the same size wedding and they were invited all day because we appreciated how long it was going to take them to get there and she also came on my hen do.

I really think you shouldn’t go to the hen do. The only point in going now, is the fun you’d have with nice people. But how much fun will you have constantly hearing about a wedding you’re not invited to?
The whole thing will leave a very sour taste. Don’t put yourself through it.

I am family though! My husband grew up with her and they are very very close. That’s why I am so shocked about it. I don’t consider 80 days guests to be a space restriction personally, I had 80 people to my wedding during the day and I don’t think my wedding could be classed as small. Both her and the grooms family are tiny, there is no way they have filled 80 seats with family.

It’s incredibly entitled and presumptuous to expect anyone, much less someone that isn’t even invited to the whole wedding to spend such a ridiculously large amount to facilitate your wedding or hen night/weekend!! The cheek to then expect favours to decorate and complete signs etc when op won’t even see them is beyond a joke!

Some people have a brass neck entitlement treating others so abysmally. I hope op tells this particular bridezilla to jog on! The next thing will be the baby shower, the baby gift list…. It will never stop. Book a lovely holiday op

Don’t go on the hen, don’t go to the evening do and charge her for materials (including those you already used) and postage of the signs (unfortunately I think if you agreed to do them then backing out of that part might be tricky)

She should definitely have told you if you were a day or evening guest before the hen was planned. Cheeky cow!

Neither would I.

Wow this is so rude! I'd be tempted to send her a message "checking" I'd got the correct invite as I was invited to the hen, and didn't think that would be the case if I was only an evening guest.

Don’t go to the hens - especially if it will cost you to get there and back on top of the £200!!

Charge her for the signs and postage and consider the £100 spent on the hens deposit a wedding gift/ lucky escape gift 😂😂

If you do end up having to discuss this with her, I’d focus more on what she can’t get round in an argument.
Don't focus on the fact you think you should have been invited as she can easily argue her way out of that one, and get offended with you to boot.
Focus on the fact that you’ve had heavy involvement with planning for something you had no idea you weren’t going to (you truly would have had no idea as she had said things in the past that strongly implied you would be invited).
You say, she’s not someone who can be persuaded which im0lies that she might be stubborn and selfish. Sounds like she’s shown her true colours and your friendship won’t be what it was.

NOPE

I can’t believe she’s making you write out the place settings for a meal you’re not invited to 🙄😬😩

Brass neck doesn’t come close! Hard no from me 😬

What a cheeky sod. Could it be that her sister planned the hen expecting you to be a day invite? Either way the bride should have never had you do signs etc for her, especially not from a Cricut machine! So expensive

Well I guess it’s nice to try to see the best of the situation but it would be better and more matured for the bride to speak to her friend or invite and see if they can make it or not rather than leave them to figure out on their own that the reason they were not invited to the main wedding is due to work.

OP has been asking her for the details and she refused to disclose and then assumes that they can’t make it because of work? Sorry doesn’t make sense.

I would be very tempted to have DH "accidentally" let slip to Granny how much the hen is costing and that Bridezilla is expecting you to make a table plan and place settings for nothing, for a meal you are not invited to.

Let Granny be the one who makes a fuss as it sounds like she isnt backwards in coming forwards!

It’s called HEN FODDER

That is all that you are. And a mug for making all of her wedding stuff. You sound way too nice for the CF tbh! Don’t let her take you for a ride. Sell the signs on eBay to recoup the cost of the hen deposit and tell her to do one! 💪🏻💪🏻

Yes exactly! Obviously at the time I said I would do it, I presumed I would have been included in the day. We were even supposed to have a crafting weekend to make all these things together.

Yes she is a relative - my husbands family, but we are very close to each other. We’ve been through a lot as a family and I have always felt like she saw me as an older sister type figure, we talk several times a week every week!. Well I know Grandma has had a lot to say on the matter today, so I’m sure there is going to mass uproar soon! Thing is, even if she now sent me a day invite, I wouldn’t accept out of principle. I don’t want to be invited because Grandma kicked up a fuss, if she doesn’t want us there to begin with, then I’m not prepared to be an after thought.

It gets worse because you sound extremely close, talking several times a week. Oh op it’s so shit of her. Decline and let Granny sort her out. Team granny on this one. Bloody cheek

No, when the invite came for the hen (Facebook group) it clearly stated that the bride had specifically chosen us all to go to the hen do, so it wasn’t her sister wrongly presuming. Even so, it’s been booked for well over a year now, so even if that mistake had of happened, I would have thought the bride would have said something to me. I’ve seen her twice in person since then and talk regularly!

@HappyDaze23 agree with this

I would decline the hen do. Are you able to get your $$ back? If she asks why, tell her you were really surprised to be asked to the hen do but not the wedding and you feel it is not appropriate to go to the hen do. She can be as annoyed as she wants to be.

Well, you sound lovely, OP! There was a similar thread over the weekend where a cousin wasn't invited to another cousins wedding and were close. Basically, it hurts when you are treated by someone in a way you would never treat them, and how you have obviously viewed the relationship differently. As you say, even if you do receive a full day invite now, the damage is already done.

Hopefully the comments on this thread will make you change your plan. if not good enough to be invited to wedding not good enough for hen party.

I wouldn't be going to any of it.

What are you going to do op?

Our invitations went out before my hen do was even though about tbh (both times!!)

Both hen nights were simple & the only cost to guests was a taxi or their petrol.

(Small town so neither would be expensive)