Page 15 | Going on hen do but not invited to main wedding

SantasComingToTown · 2024-02-19T14:00:15+00:00

Opinions please as I feel a bit put out…. As the title suggests I’m going on a hen do but my husband and I aren’t invited to the wedding, just the evening reception. The hen is 3 days and has cost me £200. The Wedding was planned well before the hen do started to be arranged, but the bride (family) is very secretive so wouldn’t share the date or venue etc with anyone until the invites came out. We talk really regularly and the conversation for well over the last year has mainly been wedding based. I know she is having 80 people all day (more in the evening) so I wouldn’t say it’s a small wedding. She has also asked me to make loads of wedding signs and bits for her which I was happy to do (presuming I would be bringing them down with me to the wedding). Now the invites have come through, we are only invited to the evening reception. We live 200 miles away and have a baby (wedding is baby free), it’s also on a weekday and both my husband and work the day of and the day after the wedding, so it’s going to be no mean feat to get there for what will be a few hours in reality. AIBU to feel a bit put out about this? Why would you invite someone to your expensive hen do and then not even give the courtesy of a day time invite, especially when you know how far away they live. I would understand if they wedding was really small (30/40 people) but it’s not. For context, we had the same size wedding and they were invited all day because we appreciated how long it was going to take them to get there and she also came on my hen do.

nightmareXmas · 21/02/2024 15:07

There's no way I could go to either the hen or evening do under these circumstances. An apology and belated invite to the whole day would make no difference, since it would clearly be the result of Grandma's intervention. She sounds selfish and unreasonable and I'd probably go NC after this.

Definitely make her collect the signs if she wants them, or offer to send them by courier at her expense.

Merrymouse · 21/02/2024 15:10

MaggieFS · 21/02/2024 14:21

The thing is, I don't think it was originally a hierarchy. It's just an ugly by product of wedding evolution.

Back in the 50s and 60s, there probably wouldn't have been a hen do and a stag do. The wedding really was seen as the joining of two families and the wedding breakfast likely took place in the local community centre or village hall, with numbers limited to family and only closest friends due to costs, but family included every aunt, cousin, dog and so on. Friends would more likely have been friends of the parents than B&G. Therefore it was standard to invite colleagues, friends and neighbours to the evening do, but they would all have been local, so traveling "just for the evening" wasn't a thing.

Now weddings last longer and cost more. Plus brides and grooms are paying their own way and choosing to want friends at the whole thing.

Which is why it's a pickle. There's no long standing etiquette!

(N.B. No need to shout me down 'that mine wasn't like that', I'm generalising, I know)

I agree about the changing nature of weddings, but the situation here isn’t even really about wedding etiquette.

It’s really odd to ask somebody to provide supplies for an event ‘as a friend’ and then not invite them to the event.

I have been to a hen party without being invited to the actual wedding, but the wedding was immediate family only, the reception was the main event, and everyone at the hen party knew the plan. It’s really odd to ask somebody to pay £££ for a hen party without sharing details of the wedding.

MaggieFS · 21/02/2024 15:12

@Merrymouse Yes, I agree. Sorry I wasn't clear my post was in reply to @JustKillingTime who mentioned about hierarchy.

PossumintheHouse · 21/02/2024 15:45

cooldarkroom · 21/02/2024 14:34

"Dear CF,
I am stunned & very hurt, I thought we were family & more than friends. you have been calling & discussing your wedding for months, you have bounced ideas off me, & asked me to do the sign making & we've been relegated to an evening invite only
I was really looking forward to seeing you walk down the aisle in your beautiful dress & marry the man you love.
I now feel used & second best, so you obviously won't mind me refusing your evening bash. it's a lot of money & I need to organise the baby sitting etc.
Frankly it's not worth my time. or money.
I won't be completing the signs. if you want the ones I've already done, you'll need to collect.
I am asking X for a refund on the hens thing also, as I can see I'm just filling out numbers for you to get a cheaper deal.
I'm sure you'll understand. You set it up after all.
I genuinely hope you have a wonderful day."
....

Do NOT do this. It’ll give her the ammunition to justify her decision in her own little mind.

BirthdayRainbow · 21/02/2024 15:48

Absolutely do not send @cooldarkroom response. It's ridiculous.

Duh · 21/02/2024 15:58

cooldarkroom · 21/02/2024 14:34

"Dear CF,
I am stunned & very hurt, I thought we were family & more than friends. you have been calling & discussing your wedding for months, you have bounced ideas off me, & asked me to do the sign making & we've been relegated to an evening invite only
I was really looking forward to seeing you walk down the aisle in your beautiful dress & marry the man you love.
I now feel used & second best, so you obviously won't mind me refusing your evening bash. it's a lot of money & I need to organise the baby sitting etc.
Frankly it's not worth my time. or money.
I won't be completing the signs. if you want the ones I've already done, you'll need to collect.
I am asking X for a refund on the hens thing also, as I can see I'm just filling out numbers for you to get a cheaper deal.
I'm sure you'll understand. You set it up after all.
I genuinely hope you have a wonderful day."
....

This would make the OP sound dramatic and insane rather than showing up the bride to be.

Merrymouse · 21/02/2024 16:22

MaggieFS · 21/02/2024 15:12

@Merrymouse Yes, I agree. Sorry I wasn't clear my post was in reply to @JustKillingTime who mentioned about hierarchy.

Yes - I didn’t see the full conversation.

I think the evening do has evolved because it’s normal now to hire a venue for the wedding and the reception, which increases cost per head and limits numbers. In theory they mean that local friends like work colleagues can be included and toast the bride and groom and see the dress, but they are also a money spinner for the venue.

I have been to evening do’s and not been at all offended that I didn’t ‘make the cut’ of attending the ceremony, and just been happy to take part - but those were situations where I genuinely was just a work colleague or really a friend of a friend.

Maireas · 21/02/2024 17:44

OssieShowman · 21/02/2024 09:11

I’m in Australia. Things must be done differently here.
We get invited to a wedding. That means the wedding ceremony, and the reception after.
Not, invited to this part, but not that part. So much easier.

That's how it always used to be here. (although no doubt some people will contradict!)
Until recently, the only wedding invitation you got was for the wedding, not some secondary part. I'd never come across it before. Then again I'd not known many people who could extend the whole thing into the evening anyway!

MikeRafone · 21/02/2024 18:34

That's how it always used to be here. (although no doubt some people will contradict!)
Until recently, the only wedding invitation you got was for the wedding, not some secondary part. I'd never come across it before. Then again I'd not known many people who could extend the whole thing into the evening anyway

As wedding have become more lavish and expensive the guest lists have got smaller for the main event, but the after party and the hen doos don't seem to suffer the same fate as the bridge and groom aren't paying for the parts - then insist on spending others money on outrageous places to go.

Id love weddings to go back to a one horse party wedding breakfast with a knees up a a couple of nights before in the local pub for the bride and groom. It was fun back then and a really family and friends occasion

Maireas · 21/02/2024 18:38

Exactly, @MikeRafone . There was a wedding ceremony, then the reception in a hotel or a hall, depending on budget, and you invited friends and family... that was it. No two tier friendship or family, just everyone together, celebrating.
You're right, things seem to have got very lavish. People have got more of a disposable income nowadays.

Easipeelerie · 21/02/2024 18:46

Concestor · 21/02/2024 09:32

Dear bride and groom

Thank you for your invitation to your wedding reception. I'm afraid we have to decline due to the logistics and costs of travelling so far just for an evening.

Our gift to you was going to be the signage, however as we aren't invited to the wedding, I suggest you find another supplier.

I am also now unable to attend the hen do but hope you have a lovely time and a wonderful wedding day.

We wish you both all the best for the future.

Kind regards

Honestly, there's no friendship after this anyway so I'd make it clear how I feel. I also wouldn't send her what I'd already made unless she sent postage and packaging costs up front.

OP,if you’re still here, you definitely should send Zurala’s message. It’s brief and to the point and wouldn’t make the sender appear the better person.

Alwaysanotherwine · 21/02/2024 19:14

did you voice your plan about leaving after the first dance? just wander if that was the reason

to be honest i find that more rude if someone pays for you to attend all day and then you sneak off

Original poster

SantasComingToTown · 21/02/2024 19:17

Sorry everyone for being MIA. We’ve had a rough couple of days with the babe, but thankfully all is okay now, so I’ve just had time to read through all of the replies.

Wow, thank you all so much for your support! I really appreciate it. I really did think when writing it, I might have been overreacting by being so annoyed, so I am glad to see that the majority of people agree with me!

Ive see a few posters make comments about how weddings are for families etc, so I just wanted to fill in for people who cba to read 15 pages (not shade at all).

I initially didn’t post much about the situation as I was worried that the bridge might see it and guess it was her 😆, but now all of you lovely people have responded I hope she does see it and figure it out haha!!

The Bride is my DH cousin.
My MIL & FIL are obviously her aunt and uncle.

My DH side of the family (on this side) is really quite small now - DH only child, Bride has 1 sister, and both parents, sisters long term boyfriend, another Aunt and Uncle with 1 child and Grandma. Thats it.

The brides other side of the family is also very small as her Dad only had one sibling and they unfortunately couldn’t have children. - they are no longer with us.

So in total (including me) the bride has 12 family members.

The brides fiancé also has a very small family - Mum, stepdad and a sister. That’s it.

Maximum number of family at a 80 day guest wedding from both sides including myself and DH is 15. The bride has 1 additional bridesmaid and the groom, a best man and 1 usher. Including the bride and groom, this is 20 family members so would have left 60 spaces for friends!!

My husband and the bride grew up together (husband moved where we live now for uni and never went back as he met me). And there was alot of bereavements throughout their childhood so they were very close and spent alot of time together. They have always remained very close and I have known her since she was 16 years old (she’s 5 years younger than me), the bride is now late 20s so she has been my family for a long time now. As a result, I am also very close to the bride, we speak all the time and I have always seen her like another little sister to be honest as well as a friend.

She came to my hen do and wedding all day, we go down to see her 3/4 times a year where expenses allow, we video call etc, so despite the distance we still manage to keep in touch and I would consider her to be very close which is why I was so shocked when we were only invited to the wedding.

OP posts:

Merrymouse · 21/02/2024 19:17

Maireas · 21/02/2024 18:38

Exactly, @MikeRafone . There was a wedding ceremony, then the reception in a hotel or a hall, depending on budget, and you invited friends and family... that was it. No two tier friendship or family, just everyone together, celebrating.
You're right, things seem to have got very lavish. People have got more of a disposable income nowadays.

I think it’s partly because they get married later (not really a bad thing), and (if different elsewhere) partly the way weddings work in the U.K.

If you don’t want to get married in a church and you don’t like your local registry office you have to use somewhere with a licence to hold weddings, and they make their money from all the extras and renting the venue for the whole day.

Extra evening guests makes money for the venue as they sell more drinks, and the guests pay.

Merrymouse · 21/02/2024 19:22

Has she invited your PIL to the whole thing? What do they think?

Wexone · 21/02/2024 19:22

SantasComingToTown · 21/02/2024 19:17

Sorry everyone for being MIA. We’ve had a rough couple of days with the babe, but thankfully all is okay now, so I’ve just had time to read through all of the replies.

Wow, thank you all so much for your support! I really appreciate it. I really did think when writing it, I might have been overreacting by being so annoyed, so I am glad to see that the majority of people agree with me!

Ive see a few posters make comments about how weddings are for families etc, so I just wanted to fill in for people who cba to read 15 pages (not shade at all).

I initially didn’t post much about the situation as I was worried that the bridge might see it and guess it was her 😆, but now all of you lovely people have responded I hope she does see it and figure it out haha!!

The Bride is my DH cousin.
My MIL & FIL are obviously her aunt and uncle.

My DH side of the family (on this side) is really quite small now - DH only child, Bride has 1 sister, and both parents, sisters long term boyfriend, another Aunt and Uncle with 1 child and Grandma. Thats it.

The brides other side of the family is also very small as her Dad only had one sibling and they unfortunately couldn’t have children. - they are no longer with us.

So in total (including me) the bride has 12 family members.

The brides fiancé also has a very small family - Mum, stepdad and a sister. That’s it.

Maximum number of family at a 80 day guest wedding from both sides including myself and DH is 15. The bride has 1 additional bridesmaid and the groom, a best man and 1 usher. Including the bride and groom, this is 20 family members so would have left 60 spaces for friends!!

My husband and the bride grew up together (husband moved where we live now for uni and never went back as he met me). And there was alot of bereavements throughout their childhood so they were very close and spent alot of time together. They have always remained very close and I have known her since she was 16 years old (she’s 5 years younger than me), the bride is now late 20s so she has been my family for a long time now. As a result, I am also very close to the bride, we speak all the time and I have always seen her like another little sister to be honest as well as a friend.

She came to my hen do and wedding all day, we go down to see her 3/4 times a year where expenses allow, we video call etc, so despite the distance we still manage to keep in touch and I would consider her to be very close which is why I was so shocked when we were only invited to the wedding.

Wow after this update - i am not surprised you are hurt, shocking. I dont think your relationship could recover from this, it wouldn't if it was me am so sorry

Onelifeonly · 21/02/2024 19:23

As far as I can recall, I've only once been invited to the evening only part of a wedding. It was several hours drive away. But I did go. Bride was a colleague and had invited a group of colleagues for the evening only and we all went together and stayed overnight at a hotel. So that felt OK. Only not so good part was another colleague who was closer to the bride insisted we all chipped in x pounds for a joint present. Since we didn't have the benefit of the whole experience, that seemed a bit unfair- but this colleague never was very sensitive.

Never been to a hen without attending the full wedding though - that's very off. And inconvenient to be expected to go on the evening of a work day.

Original poster

SantasComingToTown · 21/02/2024 19:27

In regards to what I am going to do….the plot has thickened ever so slightly!!! (Understatement)

Over the last couple of days, I had decided that despite how upset and annoyed I was, I will still go the hen do as actually I really do love everyone who is going, and I know I will still have a fantastic time, albeit bitter sweet as I won’t be celebrating the wedding with them. Although I would probably be within my rights to, I don’t want to cause a scene and add to the brides stress despite her causing it herself as I don’t want to sour the relationship with any other family members - and anyway Grandma I know has caused some trouble the last couple of days 😂so I think that’s probably enough for the bride and the rest of the family to deal with!! I think I’m just going to use it as a way to show I am the bigger person and a lesson learnt! In the future I will be alot more cautious when choosing to accept hen do invitiations and will definitely step back from my relationship with the bride after the event as I’m obviously not needed as much as she made out all these years!

That being said, the bride has been chasing for a response to the wedding invitation she sent. We went to decline the evening invite late last night (online rsvp system) once baby had finally settled and when we clicked on RSVP it said please respond by 10th February….

We only got the email invite last week! So either she forgot to send it to us originally OR we weren’t even first choice to the reception and as other people had declined she added us in there place! Either way it just adds insult to injury!!

Cant wait to call Grandma tomorrow on my day off and tell her about that. MIL is away at the minute so we haven’t found out when they received their invites yet, but will be very interested to know!!

OP posts:

Original poster

SantasComingToTown · 21/02/2024 19:30

Alwaysanotherwine · 21/02/2024 19:14

did you voice your plan about leaving after the first dance? just wander if that was the reason

to be honest i find that more rude if someone pays for you to attend all day and then you sneak off

No, not at all as we didn’t realise she wasn’t having children there. We didn’t have children at our wedding (literally no one we invited had young kids so it didn’t cause issues for anyone), so we had just discussed it as a option if that was going to be the case with this one too. We didn’t say anything to her as we didn’t think we would need to worry about it.

OP posts:

Datafan55 · 21/02/2024 19:31

We only got the email invite last week! So either she forgot to send it to us originally OR we weren’t even first choice to the reception and as other people had declined she added us in there place! Either way it just adds insult to injury!!

@SantasComingToTown Possibly the other way round- you were a possible to the day but then relegated to the evening.

PossumintheHouse · 21/02/2024 19:36

Ooooh. Has she commented on your decline to attend the reception yet?
If you feel you’ll genuinely enjoy the hen, for for it. You’re bigger than I am.

whynotwhatknot · 21/02/2024 19:40

wow youre a betterperson than me i wouldnt boter wit any of it

and now shhhes sending out invites to you after oters ave probably pulled out

Galeforcewindatmywindow · 21/02/2024 19:42

Covid is still a thing isn't it? Shame if you weren't well...

ScruffMuffin · 21/02/2024 20:00

Her behaviour just gets worse!

I'd be very tempted to make her some Special Signs.

nightmareXmas · 21/02/2024 20:00

The more I think about this, the more I think it's the worst wedding-based CF'ery I've come across on here. Who are these 60 other guests who take priority over family members with whom she has a shared history since childhood (in your DH's case) and what sounds like a close relationship since then? Has she sold tickets to her Instagram followers? It sounds as though her values and priorities are very much skewed, and one day she will grow up and regret it.

Good luck if you decide to go to the Hen, OP. I certainly couldn't manage it. But at least if everyone else there is going to the whole wedding, she might face a few awkward moments when it comes up in conversation.