Going on hen do but not invited to main wedding

[SantasComingToTown]

Opinions please as I feel a bit put out….

As the title suggests I’m going on a hen do but my husband and I aren’t invited to the wedding, just the evening reception.

The hen is 3 days and has cost me £200. The Wedding was planned well before the hen do started to be arranged, but the bride (family) is very secretive so wouldn’t share the date or venue etc with anyone until the invites came out. We talk really regularly and the conversation for well over the last year has mainly been wedding based. I know she is having 80 people all day (more in the evening) so I wouldn’t say it’s a small wedding. She has also asked me to make loads of wedding signs and bits for her which I was happy to do (presuming I would be bringing them down with me to the wedding).

Now the invites have come through, we are only invited to the evening reception. We live 200 miles away and have a baby (wedding is baby free), it’s also on a weekday and both my husband and work the day of and the day after the wedding, so it’s going to be no mean feat to get there for what will be a few hours in reality.

AIBU to feel a bit put out about this? Why would you invite someone to your expensive hen do and then not even give the courtesy of a day time invite, especially when you know how far away they live. I would understand if they wedding was really small (30/40 people) but it’s not.

For context, we had the same size wedding and they were invited all day because we appreciated how long it was going to take them to get there and she also came on my hen do.

This while thing is off, not sure if I would go to any of it to be honest. So glad these self-indulgent hen dos were not a thing when I was in my 20s 30s, it was just a pizza and get pissed.

It's cheeky asking somebody who is only invited to the evening to help out. If you want to opt out then just do it. Obviously the bride has done what suits her at the risk of upsetting folk so you also do the same. It is a nerve asking somebody to travel 200 miles to an evening do. On reflection I would cancel the lot and give a toaster or set of towels.

'Thank you for inviting us to the disco, but I'm afraid things are tight atm so we really can't justify childcare/ travel costs/ hotel for a few hours. Hope you have a fantastic day and the ceremony goes well'

My thoughts exactly, all life’s milestone events these days are so excessive.

I always try and be the bigger person and keep my thoughts to myself and I would’ve said go the hen do and enjoy it as a nice break but I wouldn’t be able to swallow being the only hen not going to the wedding.

I would send the things you’ve made - it’s a sunk cost - wishing her all the best but decline the invite and make an excuse for the hen. Only in time will you know how you feel but rise above it all for now don’t burn bridges, she doesn’t need to know how you are feeling about this keep it private.

I’d see it as a bonus. All my friends (not my two besties) know not to invite me to the actual wedding, I can’t think of anything worse, all that standing around and photos etc, but that’s just me. If you feel this way just decline, I’d rather a hen do than a wedding any day.

Can't you obtain or make a 'decline invitation/RSVP ' card saying the bare minimum eg
Thank you for your invitation, unfortunately we are unable to accept.
Kind regards, Santa and DH.
No apologies, no explanation and no wishing them a nice day, future happjness etc.
Yes, it's rude abrupt but it's responding in kind.
Doubtless someone will come along and say don't do this, be the better person etc etc. But sometimes you want to be in the Mrs Be-Done-By-As-You-Did camp.
(Of course it's entirely up to you, but think of the vindication/satisfaction! 😉)
Not entirely serious...

I would just be honest with her. I would get a refund on the hen do and not attend the wedding or help any further. I would explain you thought you were good friends, but clearly you misjudged this and therefore will not be able to attend the hen do or reception.

Tell her exactly what you think that she is taking the piss and she won’t be getting the pleasure of your company

Id back out of the wedding and the hen do

you don't need to be spending money on stuff you don't need to

Its apparently the new thing now to not spend money on stuff you don't want to - meals out etc

Or alternatively if you wanted to travel a 400 mile round trip for an evening do and buffet of a wedding that everyone else has been at all day - go for it

What makes me cringe is they want to save money by having a weekday wedding - but expect everyone else to drop two days pay to come to an afterparty

Hmmm...if this were me in real life...

To keep the peace since she's a close relative I think I'd finish the signs, take lots of pictures which I could have ready to use if I did decide to have a go at selling them later, and call it a wedding gift. That's if the cost outlay really is £50 and not more like a £100.

Do you enjoy the company of people on the hen do anyway? If you can't get a refund I'd probably just go and make the best of it.

Nearer the time something would 'come up' and I'd not be "very sorry" but not able to make the evening do.

This is just me though....

I'd be making a few signs for her, but they might not say what she was expecting them to say!

She's using you, plain and simple. You know that crafting day? She has no intention of doing that - she's planning to pull out at the last minute and expect you to do it all.

Don't go to the hen do and put up with everyone talking about the wedding day. Don't go all that way to the evening do only to hear everyone talking about what the wedding was like.

Show yourself the respect you deserve and tell her to take a hike.

💯

On reflection - yes, just walk away from the whole wedding thing for now. I hate the whole two-tier wedding thing, either invite everyone to the whole day or not at all - if you're having a very small wedding by all means have a party another time but the whole showing up for the evening bit after everyone's been together all day always feels weird.

I wouldn’t go to the hen abs I definitely wouldn’t go to the wedding .

Just rsvp that you can’t make it

I think I'd simply not go, she's rude. You couldn't take your child(ren) anyway I suppose?

I agree 🚩

The only times I’ve ever been invited to the hen and evening do was work colleagues who explained clearly in advance that the daytime was small and family/very close friends but the hen and evening were so more friends could come and celebrate

Though this as back on the day when hen nights were dinner and cocktails followed by hitting the dance floor rather than a mini break in Dubai costing £100’s

I'm usually "you can invite who you like" but she wants you to make stuff for her wedding and then not even invite you?! Cheeky mare.
I'd decline making them, say you don't have the time.
I'd maybe go to the evening do, depending on how much I wanted a night out at the time lol

I would pull out of the hen do, the signs and the evening do,

This is not a nice way to treat people.

The more you post about her OP, the more of an arse she sounds. Since she's family I'd keep it polite, but I wouldn't be going to the wedding or the hen do. Way too much drama.

I’ve been to a few hen dos and not weddings, because the couple were having very small, intimate weddings or destination weddings.

They are also up front and open about it though and would never ask me to help out.

The fact that she’s been secretive about you not being invited is really bad and I would not go to her hen do, help out or even want to be friends with her.

I am from an Asian culture where this weird wedding invite hierarchy doesn’t happen. Thank goodness
.

The thing is, I don't think it was originally a hierarchy. It's just an ugly by product of wedding evolution.

Back in the 50s and 60s, there probably wouldn't have been a hen do and a stag do. The wedding really was seen as the joining of two families and the wedding breakfast likely took place in the local community centre or village hall, with numbers limited to family and only closest friends due to costs, but family included every aunt, cousin, dog and so on. Friends would more likely have been friends of the parents than B&G. Therefore it was standard to invite colleagues, friends and neighbours to the evening do, but they would all have been local, so traveling "just for the evening" wasn't a thing.

Now weddings last longer and cost more. Plus brides and grooms are paying their own way and choosing to want friends at the whole thing.

Which is why it's a pickle. There's no long standing etiquette!

(N.B. No need to shout me down 'that mine wasn't like that', I'm generalising, I know)

"Dear CF,
I am stunned & very hurt, I thought we were family & more than friends. you have been calling & discussing your wedding for months, you have bounced ideas off me, & asked me to do the sign making & we've been relegated to an evening invite only
I was really looking forward to seeing you walk down the aisle in your beautiful dress & marry the man you love.
I now feel used & second best, so you obviously won't mind me refusing your evening bash. it's a lot of money & I need to organise the baby sitting etc.
Frankly it's not worth my time. or money.
I won't be completing the signs. if you want the ones I've already done, you'll need to collect.
I am asking X for a refund on the hens thing also, as I can see I'm just filling out numbers for you to get a cheaper deal.
I'm sure you'll understand. You set it up after all.
I genuinely hope you have a wonderful day."
....

Whatever you decide to do re wedding and hen, give the signs as the gift (if you intend to do a gift) and don't spend anymore 👌