Going on hen do but not invited to main wedding

[SantasComingToTown]

Opinions please as I feel a bit put out….

As the title suggests I’m going on a hen do but my husband and I aren’t invited to the wedding, just the evening reception.

The hen is 3 days and has cost me £200. The Wedding was planned well before the hen do started to be arranged, but the bride (family) is very secretive so wouldn’t share the date or venue etc with anyone until the invites came out. We talk really regularly and the conversation for well over the last year has mainly been wedding based. I know she is having 80 people all day (more in the evening) so I wouldn’t say it’s a small wedding. She has also asked me to make loads of wedding signs and bits for her which I was happy to do (presuming I would be bringing them down with me to the wedding).

Now the invites have come through, we are only invited to the evening reception. We live 200 miles away and have a baby (wedding is baby free), it’s also on a weekday and both my husband and work the day of and the day after the wedding, so it’s going to be no mean feat to get there for what will be a few hours in reality.

AIBU to feel a bit put out about this? Why would you invite someone to your expensive hen do and then not even give the courtesy of a day time invite, especially when you know how far away they live. I would understand if they wedding was really small (30/40 people) but it’s not.

For context, we had the same size wedding and they were invited all day because we appreciated how long it was going to take them to get there and she also came on my hen do.

I sympathise about affordability. Don't have an evening do, that'll cut costs.

*invited to

YANBU. Don't feel obliged to go to either.

I’d decline all of it - on the basis you are rightly not providing free signage services now, going to the hen do could be awkward for you both. It does feel as though she has strung you along for the services you can provide and then invited you to the bits that will cost you, not her (is there a free bar at the evening do, for example, or will you have to BYO?)

A friend of mine’s husband did my signage, as he was an art graduate and amazingly gifted - she was one of my two bridesmaids and BFF. I provided all the materials and thanked him personally in the speeches with a bottle of champagne.

But then, we also gave gifts to the three people who had travelled the furthest (kind of like prizes for distance travelled) as we had guests from NZ, S Africa and one who’d flown back from a posting in Florida! Just wine/champagne, but we wanted to acknowledge that they had gone above and beyond to share our day.

Please update us, OP! As this post has been discussed with my kids who think your friend is CF and they’d like to know what happens 🤣

I had a good friend only invite me to the evening celebrations despite having people at the main event she didn't even like. She then had the cheek to ask me to nip over and clean the house for people coming back after the wedding. Needless to say we are no longer friends!

I think I'd cut my losses and not go to the hen do or wedding. I'd say financial reasons if you don't want to tell her how thoughtless she's been, then text the bride asking for the cost of materials for the signs and £ towards postage, or she comes to collect. .

Oh my days - I’ve had this. Was invited to the engagement party, asked to do their engagement shoot (as a wedding gift which was fine as I was doing a degree at the time), invited to the hen as their photographer but not included in the “fun stuff” and then uninvited to the wedding after that.

I was completely blanked after it all despite sending their kids bday presents etc - no contact at all.

I simply wasn’t cool enough for her crowd anymore - I had known her since I was 2

What the update op? Have you told her you’re not going? (You shouldn’t by the way!)

Please don't go or waste any time worrying about this entitled twat. She is awful.

You're not being unreasonable to feel put out but I'm wondering if you see the friendship in a different way to her, the prospective bride. We all have close, long-term friends and then outer circles of friends who we don't have the history with or don't see much. The bride appears to see you as an outer circle friend, perhaps because you live so far away and, I'm guessing, because you work and have a baby, you don't see each other much. When choosing wedding guests, it's not uncommon to include family first- and she may have a large family, and close friends. I'm thinking that she obviously likes you as she's invited you to her hen do and is trying to include you but, like it or not, you are not considered to be within the inner circle of friendship. If you refuse her invite to the hen do and the evening celebration, you are effectively ending the friendship. Only you know if it's worth doing that.

A three day hen do? Why does this person think she is so deserving of everyone’s time? A night away at most, for anyone with other commitments and partners and children and jobs. The cost alone is ridiculous in this day and age with a fragile economy and less disposable on the whole.

I’m in Australia. Things must be done differently here.
We get invited to a wedding. That means the wedding ceremony, and the reception after.
Not, invited to this part, but not that part. So much easier.

I think you can say this to the person organising the hen - that you initially wanted to go and were happy to make signs for the wedding but since you've found out that you aren't invited to the full day you think it will be too strange to attend as everyone else will be talking about the wedding and as you're only invited to the evening you will feel out of place.

I've got no words!

Daisy … you only got invited late because someone else could not go

It's such a shame OP that you already paid the £100. That's a huge amount of money to me, so it would be devastating to lose it, but at the same time I think it would be worse to pay £200 to go and be the only person left out of the wedding talk.

If she and your husband are family and grew up together could he ask her for the money back?
He must also be feeling pissed off and confused about not being invited to the wedding as well. I assume they are cousins? What are his parents thinking about it all?

Dear bride and groom

Thank you for your invitation to your wedding reception. I'm afraid we have to decline due to the logistics and costs of travelling so far just for an evening.

Our gift to you was going to be the signage, however as we aren't invited to the wedding, I suggest you find another supplier.

I am also now unable to attend the hen do but hope you have a lovely time and a wonderful wedding day.

We wish you both all the best for the future.

Kind regards

Honestly, there's no friendship after this anyway so I'd make it clear how I feel. I also wouldn't send her what I'd already made unless she sent postage and packaging costs up front.

Years ago now, I was invited to the hen weekend of a friend of a friend. I knew I wasn't invited to the wedding because I'd only met "Fiona" a handful of times at that point. We'd got on well, but I wouldn't describe her as a friend. I was a bit bemused to be invited, but I was pretty "go with the flow".
The weekend started off with a pamper party round her mums house. I'd assumed Fiona (who seemed polite and friendly) would be like her mum, but how wrong I was. Her mum chain smoked through the entire evening, and every other word that came out of her mouth was an obscenity. She had a couple of her own friends there, and frankly, they were 50yo louts.
A few days later we went to a recording studio to record a few songs for the wedding reception. A cousin of Fiona's had a temper tantrum because she wasn't able to record the song she wanted. So all the rest of us were banished to a back room whilst Fiona did a duet with angry cousin.
The next day we went to a nice hotel for a cream tea.

As we were leaving, everyone was saying "See you at the wedding!" Which was in about a months time.
Frankly, I was bemused by the whole thing.

If you weren't making all the signs etc then it wouldn't be unreasonable as she may have a very large family. My grandad is one of 11 and my dad one of 4. My uncle has 10 kids and almost all have at least 1 child so soon adds up on just family and that's just my dad's side not my mam's. I went on my friends hen do and only went to the reception after her wedding. I wasn't bothered in the least but it didn't cost anything out of pocket for me except a drink or 2 I bought her while out and it was family only at the wedding itself. If you're doing things for the wedding then it's very rude and inconsiderate not to of made room for you to the main wedding. You aren't being unreasonable at all.

I agree with this. I’d never have invited someone to hens and not wedding, and we don’t do this day invite and evening invite in Australia, I never got my head around it in the uk- ‘weddings! An opportunity to tell all your friends if they are tier 1 or tier 2!’ Ugh. Weddings should be a celebration of two people committing their lives together and if people aren’t close enough friends to invite them don’t and if they are then do.

Sod that. Can you get all or most of the £200 back? I certainly hope so, but even if not, I’d certainly decline the ‘partial’ wedding invitation.

People are weird about weddings. I fell out with a former close friend - or so I thought - when she didn't invite me to hers, or the hen do. I was actually devastated as I'd known her years, given her loads of support when her first marriage broke up, I'd rushed halfway across the country to be a shoulder to cry on, and we'd been pregnant at the same time, and she'd given me my 'something borrowed' for my wedding and been really involved and I genuinely thought we were really good friends. I found about the wedding from the photos on Facebook - a fancy do at a posh country hotel! I could understand if she couldn't have afforded to have me along, but not including me in any way at all, or even mentioning it to me, really hurt. Obviously we just weren't the good friends I thought we were. I still wince thinking about it.

In your position I’d send her what you’ve made already and apologise and say you can’t do the rest for free and does she still want it doing and give her a quote. Ask for payment up front.
Don’t do it as a wedding gift since you’re not invited to the wedding!

I would message a polite message just saying you’re very sorry but it’s too far to travel just for the evening and home again. And can’t stay out without the kids.

I wouldn’t pay anything more
towards the hen do and give yourself time to think about whether or not you still want to go…. It seems REALLY odd to pay a deposit toward something that you don’t even know what it is! Sod that!! If you really don’t want to go anymore I’d message the sister and ask if you can have the £100 back.. doubt she’ll refund you though, so be ready to count your loss and think about all the money and time saved.

OP, please let us know what has happened since Monday! Has Granny got involved and has the proverbial hit the fan?? I hope all is ok. I'm personally agreeing with your DH and that she's turned into a Bridezilla! IMO, I think she only invited you to the hen so that you could bring all the wedding signage without her having to schlepp all the way to yours to pick it up!

And I really wish PP would read all the updates! She's NOT just a peripheral/outer circle friend; she IS family (via her DH) plus she's a friend (they speak several times a week!). There aren't large families on either side; the OP has already said they have small families and the majority of the 80 day guests are likely to be friends. It's NOT a small affair; there are 80 day guests. Etc.

De-railing somewhat but similar scenario to me @horseyhorsey17. This 'friend', I had known for 20+ years, been a shoulder for her to cry on when her 2 marriages collapsed (both because she had affairs), and dropped everything twice to drive to wherever she was to scrape her up. But she was a 'friend' and that's what you do for a 'friend'...haha, how stupid was I?! This so called 'friend' got engaged and I found out from another friend (who had met my 'friend' once before and didn't know her); my other friend had found out from her friend (whom I or my 'friend' didn't even know?!) 'Friend' then proceeded to plan overseas wedding and another different mutual friend of ours messaged me saying 'shall we drive/fly together for 'friends' hen party?' I replied 'and what hen party would that be?' Mutual friend was mortified and immediately dropped out of hen party in disgust for me. Haven't spoken to 'friend' since!

That woman is an absolute tool.