Going on hen do but not invited to main wedding

[SantasComingToTown]

Opinions please as I feel a bit put out….

As the title suggests I’m going on a hen do but my husband and I aren’t invited to the wedding, just the evening reception.

The hen is 3 days and has cost me £200. The Wedding was planned well before the hen do started to be arranged, but the bride (family) is very secretive so wouldn’t share the date or venue etc with anyone until the invites came out. We talk really regularly and the conversation for well over the last year has mainly been wedding based. I know she is having 80 people all day (more in the evening) so I wouldn’t say it’s a small wedding. She has also asked me to make loads of wedding signs and bits for her which I was happy to do (presuming I would be bringing them down with me to the wedding).

Now the invites have come through, we are only invited to the evening reception. We live 200 miles away and have a baby (wedding is baby free), it’s also on a weekday and both my husband and work the day of and the day after the wedding, so it’s going to be no mean feat to get there for what will be a few hours in reality.

AIBU to feel a bit put out about this? Why would you invite someone to your expensive hen do and then not even give the courtesy of a day time invite, especially when you know how far away they live. I would understand if they wedding was really small (30/40 people) but it’s not.

For context, we had the same size wedding and they were invited all day because we appreciated how long it was going to take them to get there and she also came on my hen do.

It's fairly simple with weddings. You invite those who you feel close to you. All the wedding not just the evening. People who are invited to to the evening only aren't those who you are close to.. Hen party you might invite more as you aren't paying for them.

Asking you to do things is just taking the piss. Sometimes people on Mumsnet make all sorts of extravagant excuses up for this behaviour but it comes down to she doesn't value you other than what you can do for her.

When I got married 40 years ago it was common to have evening and daytime invitations. Daytime was close family and friends. Evening was work colleagues, friends of parents, old school friends etc , who could bring a present or not. It was just a nice night out for them..A close friend would never have been evening only especially so far away.

I wouldn't go to the hen do..Even if I lost the money. I certainly wouldn't go to the wedding. She is no friend.

Nope - wouldn't go to anything. You're merely part of the Rent A Crowd.
She's a cheeky mare.

Just curious….Are there any other family members who have only been invited to the evening do?

I would not want to go to the hen or the evening & send her a link to Etsy for the items she was expecting you to make.

she was originally going to come up to me and make them with me as a pre wedding craft session type thing, but said she couldn’t get the time off work because she’s used her holiday for wedding and hen do, which I understood at the time.

Yes I have had friends like this, a plan to do stuff together that always magically turned into me looking after her kids.

Funny how something that was sold to you as a fun day together is no longer possible, but you're still expected to do the work. Nope.

Decline the wedding invite, far too much hassle for an evening event if you have a baby, work etc to juggle.

I mean this overall but I don't get this people are invited to this bit, but we are asking others to come to this other bit

Why? Is it meant to be a privilege?

i would charge her £100 for what you have made (your hen do deposit returned), and let her know when she can collect them. Once that is done, I would advise her that I wasn’t going to any events.

An evening invitation is fine if you’re a work colleague and you live round the corner, but you’re (supposedly) a close friend and have to do a 6 hour trip on a week day for what is basically a disco. I would RSVP a ‘Can’t make it but hope you have a lovely day’ now. I’d also message the chief bridesmaid and say, ‘Sorry, can’t make the hen do but hope you have a lovely time. Is it possible to get my deposit back?’ And I would say absolutely nothing about the signs - don’t mention them at all - and if she comes to you say ‘Hi Mary, no problem. Send me the materials and I’ll get started. The whole lot should come to around £500. Here’s my bank details’.

Only once did I go to a hen do where I hadn’t been invited to the wedding.

It was a bit last minute though. She was more a friend of a friend so initially I was invited to a Saturday night meal out in town thing with lots of people who weren’t going to the wedding.

Then on the night she said would I like to come to the spa with them the next day, it was about an hours drive away in an old Manor House.

That was a much smaller group and it cost fair bit of money. I think someone dropped out at the last minute and the bride did it to be nice as we did get on ok.

Even so, it was a bit uncomfortable for me as I only really knew my friend. And the following weekend I looked after my friend’s shop for her whilst she was at the wedding.

Soon after a work friend asked me to go to her hen do, a clubbing weekend in Manchester. I knew at that point I wasn’t invited to the wedding. So I just said to her “from previous experience I make it a rule not to go to a hen night when I’m not invited to the wedding as it just gets a bit awkward”.

She was fine with it, and later when the she did invite me she o the wedding. She handled it well, and said it was because when the initial invites went out we were a new friendship and now we knew one another better, it was more appropriate to ask now she knew she had space.

So I suppose my advice is to be open with me our friend that this makes you uncomfortable. If she’s a real friend she will understand and adjust/make amends. If she isn’t, well her loss.

Decline everything. Pack up what you’ve made asn then be unable to find it again- ‘I’ve searched the whole loft-I’m really sorry. You could drive over next weekend and help me search it again? Oh that’s too much effort for you?? Oh ok then. Again, I’m sorry. No I don’t have time to redo it, you’ll understand when you have a baby. Oh she’s awake now, I have to go’

I had the same thing. In my case I initially couldn’t get into the hen do because she had forgotten to put my name on the door. Then she told me that although I hadn’t been invited to the day reception actually I could come. Then in passing it came out that I couldn’t come after all because in fact some cousins needed the spot. Then on the day I attended the ceremony as instructed and disappeared for the wedding breakfast (to visit a nearby relative). Show up at the evening event as instructed and she says ‘where were you? You could have come to the lunch after all because so and so didn’t show up. Why didn’t you come to see if there was a space. ????

I wouldn’t go to neither.

just decline. Simple

Good Lord how rude can people be .. I can't imagine how this felt ok in their heads .. it would be a hard no ... sounds like you're thinking that already

Why don't you tell her that the reveal date for delivering all your unpaid work for her will be revealed soon as you know she likes surprises, and then 2 days before the wedding you can announce that they'll be available for a date 2 days after the wedding "tada!!"

But in your shoes, I just wouldn't make the signage, wouldn't go to the hen do and wouldn't go to the evening do. No explanation is really required at this point I feel. She knows why. Plan something lovely to do with your family that day.

Don't go. Hubby and I have decided unless Weddings are local we won't be accepting invites. It costs a fortune these days. One wedding cost us over £1000.00 to attend and she wanted us to dress up our classic car to take her Mother and Bridesmaids to the church and back to the venue. So no more we just send a gift voucher and spend the money on ourselves, instead of an hotel in a place we would not have chosen to visit.

I think if it's too far and there's child care difficulties turn down the invite graciously. But I don't think a hen do invite entitles one to a full day invite. I only had around 60 at my day do. You have to appreciate people have different sized families and that can eat up a lot of seats. I literally had my two best friends and their families at my day do. My Scottish aunt and cousins families took up 10 seats on their own 🙈. My two best friends didn't even attend then hen do. None of my hens and a few stags were at the day do. Day do's are pricey and families are large. To have all my hens and stags attend our day do it would probably have to be 120 strong. It doesn't sound so unreasonable now I think that you have had an evening invite only 👍. I do think a weekday wedding is difficult though. We paid more for a weekend wedding appreciating that it's unfair to suck up other people's annual leave 😥

@NikNak321 - well, you have to make choices. Don't have an evening do, just have a wedding and a reception, like people used to. Don't have massive hen/stags, invite close friends for a meal. There's no need for all the show and expense.
You're a dear, close friend, but I'm not inviting you to my wedding?

I would go to the hen do as it sounds like you have already paid. When she finally gives you the date of the wedding, I would say " sorry I didn't know you were getting married that day and am already going out" If they are going to be so secretive with the date and don't give people enough notice, then they must expect people to have other plans already booked. Go get a baby sitter for a few hours and go on a date night, just the two of you.

I'd decline if I were you and think seriously about declining the hen do as well. Anyone I know who has had a midweek wedding has sent out save the date notices well in advance because they know people have to organise time off work, childcare and accommodation if they aren't local. All of these things take planning, can run into an expensive event for your guests and a three day hen do on top of that is a lot to ask - I actually think it's weird they didn't release the date and venue until the invite came out, what was the reason for this? Sorry to say but I feel you are being used somewhat if you are being expected to do things for the wedding but somehow your efforts are only good enough for joining the £200 hen weekend but aren't enough to warrant a full invite - I made a work colleagues wedding cake at a non-local venue and she insisted my husband and I came to the full day, and she had paid me for the cake as well.
Don't put yourself out anymore for this person.

Question tho. Do they both come from big families? Is the main event and meal for families and bridesmaids and ushers /best man/maid of honour only?

Do you know others who are invited to the main event thst aren't part of the above group? If so then decline the invite and pull out of the hen.

Personally anyone who gives me an invite for a wedding where it says "no children" I would turn anyway

I've been to a few hen parties and only received an evening invite. They have all been local weddings and mostly only close family during the day and friends in the evening.

I'm a bridesmaid in April and both my sisters are coming on the hen night as they are also friendly with my best friend (bride) but they are only attending the wedding in the evening. No issues. However I think because of the distance and the help she's asked for - it's a bit mean in this case.

Weddings are difficult as sometimes, who you want there and who you can afford are two different things and families get involved and your guest list looks nothing like you had imagined because the groom has more guests than the bride and MIL insists so and so gets invited. Not all happy couples can withstand the pressure!

Personally, I would go on the hen do as you have paid for it. But I would explain to the bride that you had believed you were attending the day and evening event when you commited to help with signs and now its just the evening event, you just can't validate the expense/time off (if you can get the leave?) due to the distance involved, it being mud week and presumably having to get there with the signage for the day event. That coupled with the fact that kids aren't invited (which you totally accept is her choice) just makes your attendance too logistically and financially problematic . Tell her you will post the A4 signs but won't be able to help with the rest. Tell her you hope they have a wonderful day and don't burn your bridges as you never know what heated discussions have gone on behind closed doors about who gets invited to what!

She may or may not take offence but just be calm and explain the dilemma.

It's a bit greedy though, isn't it? Pay for the hen night, buy a wedding gift, but oh, you can only come in the evening? Sounds a bit mean to me, but then again weddings seem to have changed a lot in the last few years.

I'd message her saying, "I'm sorry but we can't make the evening reception because it's too far to travel, just for a few hours. But i hope you have a beautiful wedding." You still have time to decide on what to do, regarding the hen. If she complains about you not going, then i would not pay the rest of the hen. She can come and get her small printed pieces, but I wouldn't do the large one. Because it's expensive to make, and you won't know if you'll see her again before the wedding.

I can't say I think it's greedy. In most cases it's due to affordability for the couple and I don't think the bride & groom are necessarily expecting big gifts from evening guests. Evening guests at our wedding mostly gifted a nice bottle of Prosecco which was lovely. We had some neighbours and colleagues in the evening.

Hen parties again haven't been expensive in these cases. I've 4 young children so I wouldn't go abroad for example. It's been around the £100 mark and I'm happy to pay that if I'm good friends with the bride regardless of which parts of the wedding I'm invited too. In the OPs case it's mean though given the distance and efforts.

@SantasComingToTown
Don't go to the hen do (can you get a refund if you've paid out already?).

Don't go to the evening do.

Don't give her the wedding signs you've made.

She is using you.