Going on hen do but not invited to main wedding

[SantasComingToTown]

Opinions please as I feel a bit put out….

As the title suggests I’m going on a hen do but my husband and I aren’t invited to the wedding, just the evening reception.

The hen is 3 days and has cost me £200. The Wedding was planned well before the hen do started to be arranged, but the bride (family) is very secretive so wouldn’t share the date or venue etc with anyone until the invites came out. We talk really regularly and the conversation for well over the last year has mainly been wedding based. I know she is having 80 people all day (more in the evening) so I wouldn’t say it’s a small wedding. She has also asked me to make loads of wedding signs and bits for her which I was happy to do (presuming I would be bringing them down with me to the wedding).

Now the invites have come through, we are only invited to the evening reception. We live 200 miles away and have a baby (wedding is baby free), it’s also on a weekday and both my husband and work the day of and the day after the wedding, so it’s going to be no mean feat to get there for what will be a few hours in reality.

AIBU to feel a bit put out about this? Why would you invite someone to your expensive hen do and then not even give the courtesy of a day time invite, especially when you know how far away they live. I would understand if they wedding was really small (30/40 people) but it’s not.

For context, we had the same size wedding and they were invited all day because we appreciated how long it was going to take them to get there and she also came on my hen do.

I have a similar but opposite situation - I’m invited to a wedding abroad (next year) but none of the hen dos (3), one of which is abroad. I’m undecided whether to attend.

I'd be livid. Except I hate going to weddings. And I wouldn't go to any wedding, unless the people were important enough to take emotional delight in seeing them make their vows.

You need to break this down.

Will you enjoy the hen do event? You probably have other friends there. Or do you want to pull out? And if so, how much financial loss will you experience?

How much are the wedding signs costing you? Is that your wedding gift? Because if not already, it should be.

Will your husband and you actually enjoy going to the evening event as a couples night? You've bypassed all the waiting around, photos, speeches. Can it be a background for a great couples night?

I'd be pissed off. Because if the bride asks you to go beyond and extra - it's either because you have a special friendship or because she's exploiting you.

I'd work out whether you and your husband would have fun or not.

If not, pull out.

But life lesson learned - don't volunteer your commercial skills without understanding what is being asked of you. Invite bride to a consultation meeting, so she understands the work and effort involved, and how it fits in with your other work commitments. Like, make sure people know what is being asked of you - and damn well make sure it's valued.

I had a similar sitch a few yrs ago.
I was invited to a weekend hen do, hundreds of miles from where I lived (they lived Cornwall, I lived Hampshire, hen do north Devon), went to hen do that cost me hundreds.
wedding invite came, only invited to evening. I lived 250 miles away.
I really wanted to go but in the end I couldn’t, for financial reasons. I needed somewhere to stay for 2 nights, plus driving around and food etc, to be invited to the evening.
I pulled out, told my friend, and never heard from her again. This was 6 years ago. I lost a friend in the end :-(

I had a similar experience last year.
Good friend. Only invited to the evening.
I paid for a hotel room in London, paid for the events (3 of inc. the Alcatraz immersive experience, travel etc. so probably paid similar to yourself. I wrote out her place cards too. Had a great time although I was dehydrated for 5 days following (🤮) I didn't mind not going to the day though as I was just happy for them.

Not sure I'd be talking to her regularly again after her behaviour. Or ever again really. Put her into a new group of friends I like to call "friends-but-not-real-friends" Are you still talking to her regularly now? Isn't it a bit like there is an Elephant in the room?

If you do go it would be a shame if you “forgot” to bring the bits and pieces with you. Just say you had left them at home with your shoes/ dress/ makeup whatever. But you had spares in another bag, obviously.

She sees you as fun, around for the reception and hen do. The fun stuff!

How awful.

I know how you feel, though. I've just attended a family wedding in Asia. Based on how we were included in things going on, we were invited to make up numbers. It cost £8,500 for 3 of us and as a self employed person, I lost around £10k in earnings. Would I do it again? No.

My DCs have even said, their relatives are not being invited to their weddings when they get married because of how we were treated.

Thankfully we did a packed 2 week tour before spending (for us a pretty boring) 10-days on a beach resort, so the holiday was OK.

Your being used. Your invited to the bits that don't cost them anything shows you what your true worth is to them.make polite excuses- can't leave the baby etc and opt out for your own self respect

Hi OP I was just going to say it's not the first time I've heard about this kind of thing at a wedding and sadly I don't think it will be the last. Weddings can do very strange things to people's minds. From my own experience, I had three bridesmaids from my past from school and I got them everything for the wedding, paid for their dresses and everything else. Hen night was the night before the wedding. I paid for our drinks etc. Bearing in mind I had known them for so long etc, two of the three came without anything for my husband and I not even a card. Third one brought a sweet book for us but had at least thought about us! Didn't see two out of the three of them again. Was very upset about the whole thing to be honest and wish I'd never had bridesmaids. Then last year a friend, well someone who I thought was a close friend, invited me to the evening reception only of their wedding when they had a guest list of 160 or so. So I think I've in all of these cases presumed that friendships generally meant more than they had to the other person. So it's upsetting and I keep to myself a lot more these days which isn't the answer but just trying to explain you are not alone!!

“Hi hun,

Just to let you know I’ve done some sums with regards attending the wedding and have figured it’s going to cost us both 2 days annual leave, the cost of a night in a hotel, in addition to fuel, meals, drinks and childcare in order to be able to attend, and unfortunately I just can’t make the figures stack up with only attending for a few hours in the evening, I really hope you’ll understand that we’re unfortunately going to have to decline your very kind invite.

If you want me to get cracking on those signs then let me know if it’s easier for me to source materials this end, and I can let you know the costs of those and a courier to get them to you, so that you can transfer it over.

[Add in section about hen do if still planning to attend, or if cancelling that too].

I’m sure it’s going to be a fabulous day and night and I hope everything runs smoothly for you both.

Lots of love,

Santa + Dave x

She's not invited to the reception.
She doesn't see her as fun, more like someone to do some of the tasks for free.

When I got married I decided everyone was coming to everything. In the end we didn't have an evening do but for me, I want to see the marriage. I don't want to go to the evening do.

How I dealt with this would depend on what I want to happen in the future. If this is a deal breaker and end of friendship I would stop worrying about her stress as she isn't worrying about you at all and I'd call or message and say you are withdrawing from the hen, you aren't making the signs for her and it is clearly an upsetting situation and for you unacceptable treatment. You wish her well but this is not the way to treat anyone, never mind family.

If you don't want to go to the hen then don't. Better to lose £100 than spend double and feel awkward as everyone else discusses the oh so important wedding. If you do go don't be shy about saying oh, I'm not invited if anyone asks you what you're wearing, are you looking forward to it etc.

I would only go to an evening-only invite around the corner. If they don't see you as that close a friend, I wouldn't be too concerned if it was the beginning of the end of the friendship.

Decline ,and don't make signs or attend hen.

How will it go down with the family if you say no to the signs now?

This is one of those occaisions where I would be totally SELFISH.
They have not considered you, or your feelings.
Forget ' Niceties'. and ask yourself if you fancy this jaunt?????? Will I have fun..????? Do I want to see this lovely couple ( tie knot)
If I was you ( and if you feel upset) I would say out loud " I really wanted to see the ceremony".
( Perhaps you would prefer seeing your friends at ceremony rather than leave out your baby at the party?)

👌🏽

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This

I hope you cab recoup some of your money

I wouldn't spend anymore by going- there'll be drinks, taxis, food etc once there

I would decline especially due to the sacrifices needed..no baby. 200miles..work day. Even if i had been invited to the wedding / all day no thanks.
Who plans a wedsing for a week day.

My DC got married when DS was 11 months old and wedding was a 3.5 hour drive away no babies. I declined even though it was family. Sorry.

Any chance you’re not invited as you have a baby and its a child-free wedding?

Cut and run
Advise her you can't make it anymore and if she wants the bits you've already made she'll need to travel up to visit you to get them (she won't)

She is very strange and incredibly rude, but personally I'd be DELIGHTED to not have to attend the whole day as well as a hen weekend. Even more so if the bride had given me a good reason to decline, ie the ridiculous distance for just an evening party, being a CF about the signs and helping her to plan stuff. But then I'm an unsociable old moo who just doesn't find other people's weddings (and particularly big reveals and drama) any fun!

I might also be the only person in the country to have had a Girly Night In (pizza and games) for my hen do. It cost me umder £50 and the attendees just a bit of petrol money.

As many responses say, just decline. Do not worry about offending her because her behaviour is offensive: secrecy about details FFS, expensive hen do, baby-free. She’s acting like a spoiled brat.