Going on hen do but not invited to main wedding

[SantasComingToTown]

Opinions please as I feel a bit put out….

As the title suggests I’m going on a hen do but my husband and I aren’t invited to the wedding, just the evening reception.

The hen is 3 days and has cost me £200. The Wedding was planned well before the hen do started to be arranged, but the bride (family) is very secretive so wouldn’t share the date or venue etc with anyone until the invites came out. We talk really regularly and the conversation for well over the last year has mainly been wedding based. I know she is having 80 people all day (more in the evening) so I wouldn’t say it’s a small wedding. She has also asked me to make loads of wedding signs and bits for her which I was happy to do (presuming I would be bringing them down with me to the wedding).

Now the invites have come through, we are only invited to the evening reception. We live 200 miles away and have a baby (wedding is baby free), it’s also on a weekday and both my husband and work the day of and the day after the wedding, so it’s going to be no mean feat to get there for what will be a few hours in reality.

AIBU to feel a bit put out about this? Why would you invite someone to your expensive hen do and then not even give the courtesy of a day time invite, especially when you know how far away they live. I would understand if they wedding was really small (30/40 people) but it’s not.

For context, we had the same size wedding and they were invited all day because we appreciated how long it was going to take them to get there and she also came on my hen do.

DPs ex went to an overseas hen do, and in doing so really made up numbers for the bride…then only got invited to the evening. I don’t think I’d be friends with that person after that, or certainly not put myself out for them!

I think anyone who expects their friend to pay out £££ on attending their hen night but then doesn’t want to spend £££ on them by not inviting them to their wedding is a CF to be honest. I like the point someone made further up about comparing it to a transaction

Yes there may be some reason like venue is small or we are only having family and that is their choice but in that case don’t ask people to pay out a small fortune to “celebrate you” if you have no intention in returning the favour

The bit that’s grating me the most is the absolute audacity to make her decorations

what an absolute pisstaker

YANBU. I would decline both. I would certainly feel uncomfortable going to the hen do.

And you’ve made up the number for the airb&b no doubt to keep costs down across the group

Seems odd to want you at the hen do and not all the wedding. Just decline.

Yeah. Fuck that.
Even if you lose the full £200 I wouldn't go on the hen do. Obviously wouldn't go to the evening reception either. Any signs already made would be toast.
What she's done is not cool.

The more I think about it, the more it's the favour and making things that's the issue, not the hen really. I keep thinking of examples where I've been invited to the hen and not the wedding or only the evening do, and it hasn't occured to me to mind! Admittedly in those cases these were nights out not weekends away, because that's what most of my friends have done (thank goodness), so I can see in this case it's more annoying as more time and money being spent.

But I think I would judge whether I want to go based on whether it sounds like a fun night out / activity, not whether it is linked to another event. I don't see going to a hen as a 'favour' to the bride, which expects repayment, unless I was really forcing myself to do something I didn't want to which I would probably only do for someone incredibly close.

However, expecting you to make things without payment for a wedding you are not invited to is ruder, and probably why you naturally expected you were going. And I think it is unusual for hen do to be arranged before wedding arrangements are known.

I have attended hens dos and not weddings. But that's been mostly for work friends and just a local night out. Not very different to our regular work nights out.

It was also clear we weren't all attending the wedding.

Agree with this - if it's a local big night out and everyone knows the wedding will be more of a family do then it's fine.

If the hen is a weekend away for a small select group, then it's not fine not to invite everyone.

Yes I would feel the same way too PUT OUT is putting it mildly she is a cheeky bitch don’t get her a present …that will speak volumes don’t go don’t reply job done

I go to events I am invited to and ignore what I am not, so not bothered in 'well i am invited to this bit but not this' thing, so I either go or not based on whether I want to or not

This sounds too complicated to me so I would politely decline in this case

I think that’s different, if the cost (both in terms of time and money) is no different to a regular night out then I don’t think it’s a big deal to only be invited to the evening

But when there is an expectation to pay lots of money and have at least one night overnight stay it is a bit of a slap on the face to say “please spend lots to come to my hen, but I am not going to pay lots to buy you a dinner at my wedding”. That’s what makes you a CF bride and makes it perfectly ok to say no to the invite

Thank you for saying what I was thinking. People who think it's cool to invite lots of people to their hen do, only do so because they want people to look and think, "Oh, she must be really popular to have so many come out for her hen do!".

I feel as many others feel; if you aren't close enough to be invited to the wedding, then you really aren't close enough to spend your $$$ showing up for the bride's popularity party masquerading as a hen do.

People try to use other people all the time. Decide if you enjoy being used and behave accordingly.

Edited to add: If it's just a night out and no more expensive (as it would be if chipping in for limo, buying all the bride's drinks, buying banners., etc.), then going is a matter of personal taste and more to have fun than anything else. Unless I really liked the bride or had a lot of friends going, I still would not go, but YMMV.

Decline, why spend £200 on dicking about at her hen do if you feel this way? Bin it if it doesn’t sit right

That is just plain wierd, but not worth you & DH both taking a days annual leave or arranging childcare. Just say you can’t justify it for the evening reception & let me of the all day guests sort out the wedding decor too.

Literally can't get over the cheek of her!
Just wow
I would be politely declining both hen and eve invite. Use your baby as the reason, not settling at night etc.
She is very rude, inconsiderate and selfish. Save your annual leave for someone/something worthwhile! Eve dos are boring anyway imo.

Withdraw from the hen do.
Don't make her wedding bits and pieces.
Decline the evening invitation.

Then she might get the message that she's plainly rude. Just possibly.

You get to go to both parties and you don't have to do the shite in-between.

Perfect

You now know she is taking the piss and using you for making the signs. You will not see her for dust after the wedding and she has shown she doesn’t think much of you despite you inviting her to your wedding day. So I would just cut my losses in advance now. Go to the hen do ONLY if it’s going to be fun for YOU. Don’t buy her any drinks or get rail-roaded into spending another penny though. Decline the sign making and the evening wedding invite AFTER the hen do if you decide to go. Else cut your (£100) loss and all ties with this waste of time loser! You should tell her why you decline though so it’s crystal clear she is a COMPLETE TWAT as I often find these types continue to think they did nothing wrong otherwise and will happily slag you off afterwards.

this is appalling

Don't go to either. Make excuse

I once went to a wedding evening invite I had to travel for, I wouldn’t do it again. By the time we got there the day guests were half drunk or about ready to go home as they had been there all day. And the best bits of the celebration all over. The bride looked slightly disheveled and was walking around with no shoes. We didn’t really speak to the couple anyway. Lesson learned and I would only go to a wedding evening if it is a convenient easy evening out from home now.

I've stupidly been there and would never do it again.

I remember turning up to the evening reception (a few hours and a hotel away) and the Bride's relative, who i had met at the hen party, greeted me with a puzzled, 'Have you only just arrived?' Um, yes, i was only invited for the evening!

Another friend fell out with the Bride over the whole thing.

Funnily enough i was talking to the Bride a few weeks ago and the day happened to pop up in conversation and she did mention that she should have probably handled the invitations better.

I think your case is especially cheeky with all the help you've given the Bride.

I think my cat might have peed on the ones that have already been made 😁