Going on hen do but not invited to main wedding

[SantasComingToTown]

Opinions please as I feel a bit put out….

As the title suggests I’m going on a hen do but my husband and I aren’t invited to the wedding, just the evening reception.

The hen is 3 days and has cost me £200. The Wedding was planned well before the hen do started to be arranged, but the bride (family) is very secretive so wouldn’t share the date or venue etc with anyone until the invites came out. We talk really regularly and the conversation for well over the last year has mainly been wedding based. I know she is having 80 people all day (more in the evening) so I wouldn’t say it’s a small wedding. She has also asked me to make loads of wedding signs and bits for her which I was happy to do (presuming I would be bringing them down with me to the wedding).

Now the invites have come through, we are only invited to the evening reception. We live 200 miles away and have a baby (wedding is baby free), it’s also on a weekday and both my husband and work the day of and the day after the wedding, so it’s going to be no mean feat to get there for what will be a few hours in reality.

AIBU to feel a bit put out about this? Why would you invite someone to your expensive hen do and then not even give the courtesy of a day time invite, especially when you know how far away they live. I would understand if they wedding was really small (30/40 people) but it’s not.

For context, we had the same size wedding and they were invited all day because we appreciated how long it was going to take them to get there and she also came on my hen do.

Turn down the hen do. Yanbu.

I’m going to a hen do in the summer but not invited to the wedding. I was fine with that because I was told it was a very small, family only wedding (third wedding so I understood), but since paying up I’ve learned 2 others are going to the wedding. I’ll still go to the hen but it’s very clear where I stand I’m the group and they’re all meeting up “for wedding stuff” and leaving me out. It’s hurtful but they’ve shown me who they are and I’ll know where to put my efforts in future.

Right?!

Absolute bloody bare faced cheek.

What an awful awful person. Well rid.

This, don’t be a mug.

Op I think 200$ is not much for a 3 day hen and I am very concerned for you the cost will skyrocket once you are “on the hen”. How does one decline to treat the bride? I would give any signs you have made available to the bride…available as in she or someone can pick them up or pay for shipping but you already have X $ in them and can’t make qny more due to expense and time. And lastly your baby!! It’s a lot to be away from baby for 3 days hen and then attend a 400 mile round trip wedding without baby? Stay in hotel without baby? It seems simply way too much to ask of you and DH since you are not attending wedding. I would text (so it’s in writing) dear bride…abc signs ready for pick up. It is much bigger project on my own seeing as weekend craft session with us both was cancelled. Please be aware I cannot make any additional signs due to cost and time. Text hen organizer and get out of that for 100$. Time will tell if the friendship survives and don’t be afraid to tell the truth…not invited / baby not included/ huge expense for hen and signs and just felt taken advantage of. You may feel bad about this but you will feel worse if you go.

I wouldn’t go to either. I’d be sick for the hen do and not be able to get time off for the wedding

Don’t go to the hen and then charge her £100 for the work done/materials that you used already and that will pay back the money you will lose after dropping out

I am assuming that this is your DH’s cousin or niece?

Decline the invite, but also say you’ve over committed yourself with baby and amount of work needed with the bits you are making. Complete the ones you’ve started and tell her you don’t want any money for them and she can consider them your wedding g gift to them. Also back out of the hen as it will cost you to travel/drink/party games/ paying for bride to be for the trip and probs other things. View it as loose £200 not to go saving more if you did go.

I would't go to a £200 hen do whether I'd been invited to the whole wedding or not.

I always thought of you were close enough to be invited to the hen do then you were close enough to go the whole wedding. Of course, if you as the guest has some reason you can't come to the wedding which the bride knows about but you still want to be a part of the hen do, then fine. But to have you at the hen do, get you involved in the wedding plans and then just invite you to the reception is really not on.

Currently in a very similar situation so I understand. Except I was invited on the hen do and received NO wedding invite at all. Not even to the evening 😂 I made my excuses of unfortunately being busy the weekend of the hen do. I would advise you do the same. You’re either important enough to be a part of the wedding or you’re an extra number to look popular at the hen do was the view I took.

i think you should just cut your losses and write off the £100 you have paid for the hen so far. Going or throwing any more money at it would just be a false economy.

i wouldn’t offer any explanation, just decline the wedding invitation and say that you can no longer attend the hen. If she asks for the signs tell her she needs to pay for postage or arrange collection and tell her you can’t make any more. If anyone asks just blame baby- no one can question that.

sorry, you sound like a good person 💐💐

"Hi CF! Looking forward to the Hen. Can't wait!
And yes, we will come to the evening do as well. I'll bring the signage down with me that evening!"

He he... see the look of panic then...

Ahahahhahahahahahhahaha tell her to get fucked 😂

Hmm - I'm torn. The secretive date thing is weird, and maybe asking you to make the signs - but I'm now starting to question my own wedding.....

I had about 60 at the main event as that was the max the hotel could take. By the time we had all our relatives etc (I had my DF, three siblings and their partners plus their 6 children, plus an aunt, uncle, three cousins and partners and their three children, and my godmother. DP had his parents and lots of cousins, fortunately without children......) - there wasn't much space left for friends. Numbers soon add up and unfortunately family usually take the first spots.

My hen do on the other hand, was a fab celebration of friendship and fun on a weekend to the races and a mad night out. Hotel, train and everything hopefully wasn't £200 but things do add up. There were about 14 of us, and probably only 4 came to the wedding (one sister and three close friends). The rest were all invited to the evening do. Many were local but some were miles away, and of course some probably didn't come because travelling and kids etc make these things tricky. But we still had a great time on the hen do.

Now I'm worrying that they all hate me - but it was 20 years ago and we're all still friends so hopefully not.....

It's probably more about expectations. I can't remember the details but I hope I made everything clear to people and let them decide. Your friend may be a CF but she may also be sad that she can't invite all her friends and embarrassed about saying anything. And if it's child-free do you really even want to go to all the hassle? Perhaps decline, but bear in mind there may be other angles on this.

the bride (family) is very secretive so wouldn’t share the date or venue etc with anyone until the invites came out

Fuck's sake, who does she think she is? What a bellend. Her wedding is only important to her and her h. Who cares? And whoever heard of a wedding date being kept secret?? Ffs.

@Teenagehorrorbag - you invited people to your hen do and not the wedding?
Ok, your do was filled up...why not have a bigger reception and scrap the evening do? If it was the venue - choose a bigger venue! You were asking people to celebrate the fact that you were a bride.... without an invitation to the wedding!
I am sorry if that seems harsh, but I don't think that was the right thing to do.

I'd be upset she didn't think me a good enough friend to invite me to her wedding. I'd decline the evening invite as too far to travel for a few hours. I'd pull out of the hen do too and be too busy with other friends to make the signs for her.

@caringcarer - this.
You invite friends to your wedding. Not just your pre wedding party. As if being at a hen do is a privilege! She's being an absolute CF.

@Nanaof1 it did feel like an unnecessarily nasty thing to do! If she didn't have space for me (and our friend) for the whole day, that's fine, she could have just explained that and told us that she'd still love us to come to the evening - but saying nothing and only sending us the invitations three weeks before when she knew we'd have to get time off work to attend? That definitely told me how much she valued our friendship, and it wasn't much...

I'm so sorry you're feeling the same @SantasComingToTown, it's awful to feel like you're being used. Like @pipsas , I felt like we were only there to make up numbers on the hen do - and also incidentally to pay towards the bride's costs! (We'd split her cost for the hen do between us all and paid into a kitty so she didn't have to buy her drinks). What a mug I felt by the time the hen do came round and my invitation was nowhere in sight!

I'm questioning that now - but didn't at the time.

My best friend organised the hen do and maybe she/I didn't even know at that point who was invited to the wedding. Maybe I offended a lot of my friends...😮!

I might ask a couple at some point but it was so long ago... Perhaps I'm not the best one to advise then. OP - ignore.....

Well, it's done now, @Teenagehorrorbag . Finished. Just let it be.

Please do not allow yourself to be treated like this. Set boundary’s now. Your time is precious and better spent at home with your family rather than at a hen do. First off. Easy way out. Message sister stating hen do is not going to fit in with family plans childcare arrangements so happy to loose £100 put towards drinks kitty but will no longer be attending. Then ensure you have a lovely day forget your phone and be happy. As for wedding reception a simple RSVP stating decline if questioned then explain… Well travelling costs, childcare arrangements, time frame of reception it’s not possible to attend esp with work. Let’s be realistic it’s not viable for a few hours. Your time and money is better spent else where. Your not appreciated your being used. ALSO for all of us girls girls please do not give her ANYTHING you have created. Please donate on Facebook or to charity. I image your items are beautiful and someone would absolutely cherish them. However that is not her I image she has crossed her bits of the to do list with your name next to them.

I would not go to the hen or ‘wedding’ now and cut my losses. You are being used for your craft machine and skills and that’s it. Just awful. People behave so oddly when it comes to weddings. I am sorry OP. Please don’t be a doormat.