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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel a bit put out that husband has gone off on holiday alone for 6 days

229 replies

Clotheswoe · 19/02/2024 00:11

My husband's job is quite stressful. Last week, he realised that he had an easier week this week, because all his bosses were away. So a few days ago, he decided he wanted to go away and get some sun, and he took a week off to go abroad alone.

He said I was welcome to join him, but I said I couldn't because I can't take a week off at such short notice, plus I have just started a new job so it's tricky.

He has limited annual leave. It's not that I think we have to spend 100% of our annual leave together. I know I might go on a long weekend away with a friend soon. I'm happy he's having a good time in the sun and is relaxed.

I just wondered if people would think this is a little odd? Do others do this? Or would you feel a little put out?

YABU = 'it's fine, leave him to his solo holiday'

YANBU = 'this is a little odd'

OP posts:
lifebeginsaftercoffee · 19/02/2024 22:36

HeddaGarbled · 19/02/2024 20:52

You keep repeating yourself

Because posters keep telling the OP she’s unreasonable because they were fine about situations WHICH WERE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT apart from the fact that they involved solo trips.

And they're also saying they'd be fine with the situation OP describes 🤦

Onelifeonly · 19/02/2024 22:41

I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with going away without your partner, but I wouldn't expect mine to decide to do so on a whim without a prior agreement that it was OK. He put you on the spot from the sound of it, and asked you if you wanted to come, knowing you wouldn't be able to. So I don't think you're being unreasonable.

DisabledDemon · 20/02/2024 18:21

I'd be thinking of all the things that I could get done that I usually can't because DH is around wanting my attention! When he has time off, he tends to do decorating or DIY and I get the endless 'If you could rub down the paintwork, I'll do the painting' sort of remark and I grit my teeth and think of the grass that needs cutting or the hedge that needs cutting back and wonder when I'm going to get round to these tasks (which I infinitely prefer to sanding!).

walkingback · 20/02/2024 18:37

My late husband liked beach holidays so would go for a week on his own (sometimes he took his dad or his sons) I like city breaks and art so would go to New York, Paris etc either alone or occasionally with friends. We had lovely holidays together too. It was nice to have a bit of time alone and we always had stories to share.

Nantescalling · 20/02/2024 18:51

How can you be put out since you were invited?

movedtothecountry · 20/02/2024 18:53

Clotheswoe · 19/02/2024 00:11

My husband's job is quite stressful. Last week, he realised that he had an easier week this week, because all his bosses were away. So a few days ago, he decided he wanted to go away and get some sun, and he took a week off to go abroad alone.

He said I was welcome to join him, but I said I couldn't because I can't take a week off at such short notice, plus I have just started a new job so it's tricky.

He has limited annual leave. It's not that I think we have to spend 100% of our annual leave together. I know I might go on a long weekend away with a friend soon. I'm happy he's having a good time in the sun and is relaxed.

I just wondered if people would think this is a little odd? Do others do this? Or would you feel a little put out?

YABU = 'it's fine, leave him to his solo holiday'

YANBU = 'this is a little odd'

He hasn't gone alone

Lindyloomillion1 · 20/02/2024 19:05

It's fine. We have always done lots of trips independently as well as together. Why not?

BruFord · 20/02/2024 19:13

I know this sounds nasty, but I love it when DH goes away for a few days, and I expect he feels the same about me. 😂 I love my own space and my DH has an area that he likes to visit every few months that I’m less enthusiastic about (don’t mind once a year but find it boring otherwise) so he often goes there for four days without me. He relaxes and gets to do his activities, I enjoy being at home with teenage DS who’s similar to me…we both do our own thing and see each other at mealtimes!

cremebrulait · 20/02/2024 19:17

I know plenty of people that do this. Some older age groups that remarried and spend a lot of rime doing their own thing and then they’re happier with time together! I have an American mom friend that goes on a lot of business trips alone and on vacation alone. Seems a bucket list thing. Ive had many happily married people tell me they think the obligation tondo everything together is why marriages fail.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Anon543210 · 20/02/2024 20:16

I love my solo holidays went on 1 abroad in 2021 and got another booked for August this year my other half just let's me get on with it there's nothing wrong with getting some alone time in the sun it can even be good for your mental health.
I don't even invite my partner on my solo adventures coz they are just for me and he doesn't care as long as I'm happy, we do however have at least 1 holiday a year together abroad so there's that.

MrsDuskTilldawn · 20/02/2024 20:18

DH doesn’t like short breaks. He likes to go on a “proper holiday” with all of us. Occasionally I feel like a girls trip or spa weekend, and so I go and do that and he’s fine - alone - with DS and the two craziest dogs ever. 🤣 Happy as a clam to veg and play video games. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’d have no issue if he wanted to do the same. He tried once and came back early. 😆 So, in short, if everyone agrees and trusts each other, s’all good.

tkwal · 20/02/2024 20:41

Are you sure he has gone alone ?

Harls1969 · 20/02/2024 20:51

YANBU for feeling a bit put out - especially if it's pissing down where you are like it is here, but it's also fine for couples to have separate holidays. As long as you both do and you do things together too. Enjoy a husband free week (bed and TV remote to yourself and no snoring!)

OldPerson · 20/02/2024 21:03

Why are you asking us? You know your husband.

If it's Europe - it's really not that warm in February. Is he picturing a week by the pool reading books with a beer in his hand? Because that is not happening weather-wise right now.

What's his biggest single motivator for going abroad?

Is it to get away from work? Leave is valuable. Are you a pain in the backside to go abroad with?

Is it to get away from home? Because you might not have a home life that family members really want to come home to. Most people use annual leave to spend time with family, go abroad, and the rest of it for family commitments.

Does he have unlimited leave? Do you have kids?

If he disappears for a week when you have a new job, how is that supporting you? How is that supporting the kids?

Has he done this before?

And who is his new mistress and where is he taking her?

ohwhatadustyanswer · 20/02/2024 21:12

Sorry but I would absolutely love this. A whole week of the bed to myself and control of the remote and deciding to pick at things out of the fridge for dinner. If you’re in it for the long haul, you’ve got plenty of time to spend with him. A week apart never did anyone any harm.

Sharptonguedwoman · 20/02/2024 21:13

Not going with the flow here at all. I'd be really fed up if someone did to me. A couple of days, fair enough but I would expect them to say-I have some thinking time, let's plan where we are going next or 'I can decorate the kids room next week'. Truly, I'd be cross and fed up.

Sparticle · 20/02/2024 21:13

TeenLifeMum · 19/02/2024 00:45

I’d find that really weird but then dh wouldn’t want to go away on his own so I guess we’re all different.

Same here.

Oblomov24 · 20/02/2024 21:15

Dh goes away with the football lads. Fine by me. I go away for a long weekend with the girls. What's the problem?

Frenzi · 20/02/2024 21:16

I go away on Monday for four nights with my mum and sister. DH being left at home with youngest DD (21). If she were younger I probably wouldnt go away.

My mum, sister and I went away for a long weekend last year and loved it. Didn't affect my annual leave as I work part time but this year we wanted to go for longer. DH has no issues with it at all - I would have no issues with him going away on his own/with friends now we don't have young children to look after.

It doesnt affect our holidays and I like the fact that we can be a couple and individuals. He will go away with his rugby mates to watch rugby - my idea of hell and I will go away with my mum and sister to wander around the Cotswolds for coffee and cake (his idea of hell).

I think as long as it doesnt affect your finances, doesnt affect the amount of holiday you have together and doesnt leave one of you parenting young children alone there is no problem. Its good for a relationship to do things apart.

CLTR82 · 20/02/2024 21:19

It sounds like it might do him the world of good. He's looking after his mental health and did invite you along.

At least he's not just bottling the stress up like some do.

Teenagehorrorbag · 20/02/2024 23:11

Not an issue I'd say - but to me slightly odd. Who wants to jet off for winter sun on their own? If I was single I'd happily do an 'interest' trip like maybe a guided tour of Italy or whatever, but I'd be bored to tears doing a solo beach trip.

But each to their own. If he's happy doing that and it de-stresses him, fine. I know lots of men do golf trips abroad with their mates and OP I'm guessing you'd have no issue with that if pre-planned? You're just finding it a slightly weird thing to do - which I would too. But hey ho.

Lplatecook · 20/02/2024 23:49

Clotheswoe · 19/02/2024 00:11

My husband's job is quite stressful. Last week, he realised that he had an easier week this week, because all his bosses were away. So a few days ago, he decided he wanted to go away and get some sun, and he took a week off to go abroad alone.

He said I was welcome to join him, but I said I couldn't because I can't take a week off at such short notice, plus I have just started a new job so it's tricky.

He has limited annual leave. It's not that I think we have to spend 100% of our annual leave together. I know I might go on a long weekend away with a friend soon. I'm happy he's having a good time in the sun and is relaxed.

I just wondered if people would think this is a little odd? Do others do this? Or would you feel a little put out?

YABU = 'it's fine, leave him to his solo holiday'

YANBU = 'this is a little odd'

Hello - Your husband may have a stressful job but you are also working and possibly you have some stresses too.
Instead of going away for a week alone, as he said, he could have offered you a compromise and taken time off with you at the weekends either side of your 5 day working week.

Then he could have had 5 days of relaxing day trips or whatever else he wanted to do in order to relax.

Ilovecleaning · 21/02/2024 01:48

Lots of responses say it’s reasonable and, in theory, I agree. But I’d still feel abandoned and rejected and unloved.

iwafs · 21/02/2024 02:01

Sharptonguedwoman · 20/02/2024 21:13

Not going with the flow here at all. I'd be really fed up if someone did to me. A couple of days, fair enough but I would expect them to say-I have some thinking time, let's plan where we are going next or 'I can decorate the kids room next week'. Truly, I'd be cross and fed up.

This

JustTalkToThem · 21/02/2024 03:12

Lplatecook · 20/02/2024 23:49

Hello - Your husband may have a stressful job but you are also working and possibly you have some stresses too.
Instead of going away for a week alone, as he said, he could have offered you a compromise and taken time off with you at the weekends either side of your 5 day working week.

Then he could have had 5 days of relaxing day trips or whatever else he wanted to do in order to relax.

Show quote history

Or he could go on a longer trip and have fun as a solo adult. All great options.