AIBU to feel a bit put out that husband has gone off on holiday alone for 6 days

[Clotheswoe]

My husband's job is quite stressful. Last week, he realised that he had an easier week this week, because all his bosses were away. So a few days ago, he decided he wanted to go away and get some sun, and he took a week off to go abroad alone.

He said I was welcome to join him, but I said I couldn't because I can't take a week off at such short notice, plus I have just started a new job so it's tricky.

He has limited annual leave. It's not that I think we have to spend 100% of our annual leave together. I know I might go on a long weekend away with a friend soon. I'm happy he's having a good time in the sun and is relaxed.

I just wondered if people would think this is a little odd? Do others do this? Or would you feel a little put out?

YABU = 'it's fine, leave him to his solo holiday'

YANBU = 'this is a little odd'

I wouldn't have an issue. I used to travel without my ex all the time as he couldn't get time off work. You don't need to do everything with your partner. Sometimes, it's good to have a short time apart.

Depends on your circumstances. When DD was tiny both DH and I were consultants and could decide when we took leave. He was away 6 days a week for her first 18 months. Since DD was 10 I’ve had jobs that take me away half the week. DH covers everything when I’m away and I him (he still consults but mostly WFH now).

DH regularly took/takes DD to visit his family during school hols.

Point is, different set ups enable different approaches. No one size fits all with this.

And the other person can feel excluded about the way it's done. It's all in the communication and showing respect, not about how you spend your leisure time. I'm not sure if you get that.

My dh and I have considerable independence from one another, but I think this is a bit odd. Surely if you both work you look forward to spending your time off doing something together?

I find going away to be the most relaxing kind of holiday, as you don't have to rely on anybody else for any decisions.

I know that's not the point, and due to limited leave I can understand why you're a bit put out. Maybe he has realised that getting away from work is very much needed. Is he feeling burnt out? Because you're unable to take leave for now, he feels like he has no choice to go now alone or wait but be run into the ground at work.

I'm pleased to hear that you hope he's feeling relaxed in the sun.

Given you don't have kids, I don't see this as an issue. You are still individual adults and hopefully it'll help his mental health. And as you said, you are planning a trip with a friend

I regularly go away for a week in the sun with a friend of mine leaving husband hold the fort. Have done for years.

What will he even do - just lay on the beach by himself and not talk to anyone for a whole week?

Why would he not talk to anyone? Unless he's going to a desert island, there will be opportunities to strike up casual conversation in a bar, cafe or wherever. You can meet some interesting people that way.

But if he's really tired, constantly having to talk and interact with people might be the last thing he wants.

Can't see the problem myself. If he had left you in the lurch with all the childcare and household chores that might be a different matter. I'm a freelance consultant and sometimes get a week off between assignments so occasionally i go hiking, wife hates walking, I love a good walking holiday and have in the past taken off on my own to do the South downs way or hadrians wall walk. She at times has headed off with mates or on her own as well. Sometimes a bit of solitude and 'me' time is very good for your mental health.

This.

Sounds fine to me. Given you don't have kids I would actually encourage you both to do this. As soon as the kids arrive those days of independence will be over.

As soon as the kids arrive those days of independence will be over.

They do come back and it’s fantastic.

Looking forward to those days 😅

I take a holiday abroad alone without dh or the dc every year. It isn't always for a week, more like 4 ish days, though last year it was for 9 days. It's maybe the last minute-ness of it that feels a bit harsh, in the sense that you didn't really have the option to decide to go or not. But holidaying alone is totally fine. I actually don't want dh to come with me (not that we have the option due to lack of childcare), but it's my time to myself.

I love spending time with DH but I also love having a weekend away without him sometimes too.

As long as you're happy being a 'cool girlfriend' or worse, a 'cool wife', ignore red flags as often as you like.

Do whatever you like. But bear in mind your husband, OP, has buggered off with hardly any notice, knowing full well you wouldn't be able to go with him. So every person of sense knows something is very wrong here, and all the cool people are too worried about their image to make proper enquiries.

"Very wrong" is a bit over-dramatic. If it wouldn't work for your relationship then fine, but this is the nature of jobs where a lot of things happen at short notice. I've had one of those jobs and you take your time off when you get it, because you might get loaded with work if you don't make the most of it. Not all jobs allow for planning everything far in advance.

There would be nothing wrong with this for me goven that both DP and I have done this over the years. Our time off hasn't always been in sync and that's just one of those things.

“Every person of sense”

Oh really 😆

Yes!
😂🤣😂

I would be extremely pissed off if I got the opportunity to go on a last minute trip, get a break from work and the crap weather and DH assumed I was having an affair! Unless there are other underlying issues in the relationship this is very paranoid, OP could have easily said to her husband “oh great I can take a few days and join you / I’ll bring my laptop and work from the hotel”

DH and I have been married for over 25 years, and going on solo trips for all that time. A long time to keep up the pretence of being cool, and keep having affairs.
It would be too exhausting.

DH has a very stressful job where he can't often take leave when he wants it. He also has a hobby I don't share. If he wants to have an affair, I am sure he can manage it wherever he is since he also travels for work. Frankly, I can;t be bothered to be this paranoid.

Agree. I go on my trips while both children are in school so DH has to do (he wfh) the school run, breakfast, dinner, help with homework (15 min) and bedtime.

I do it usually so no reason he can’t do it for 3-5 days during the week, once to twice a year.

Do you feel better now? What's the benefit in trying to rip a hole in OP's marriage like that?

So it’s OK for you to go away without him @Clotheswoe but he shouldn’t go away without you? Is that right?