To be losing patience with a friend who has a massive chip on her shoulder about money?

[BarelyLiterate]

S & I have been friends for decades. We have a lot of shared history but her attitude to money is very annoying. She is a key worker in the public sector who chooses to work PT but constantly complains about how underpaid & skint she is. She could work FT if she wanted to but doesn’t see why she should compromise her work life balance to do so.

She is bitter & resentful towards ‘rich’ people who do jobs which she deems to be less important & worthwhile than hers, namely almost anyone who works in the private sector, but particularly in finance & business. She regards profit as immoral, particularly when it is made by big businesses which sell things that she needs to buy, eg food, petrol, electricity. Whenever she sees a flash car she starts ranting about rich twats showing off etc etc. She is tediously self-righteous about her own frugality & environmentalism while being scornful of others who own nice things, have nice holidays etc. The chips on her shoulders get bigger every year.

This is really starting to piss me off. I work in the private sector in a commercial role but I am by no means rich or materialistic. I don’t want to end the friendship, but I’m sick of her attitude. AIBU to tell her to give it a rest?

You've got a left-wing friend who works in the public sector and sees the world differently.
More to the point, you've got a friend. Priceless.

I work in the public sector and fuck me there's LOADS of people like this, it's depressing and really ignorant and rude to assume people who are rich must work for big profit grabbing corporations etc. I also hate people who judge others for having money so much I'd have to end the friendship.

Say we're friends aren't we? And I know if I was doing something that was making people not enjoy being with me, I'd want to know.

I'm sure you don't intend this but people are starting to notice that you can become very critical about how we choose to organise our working lives and spend our own money.

And it's starting to affect our opinion of you.

Can you accept that people have the right to their own decisions, just as you have the right to yours?

Now let's stop talking about it and do something nice today.

How often do you see her and how long is each meet-up?

@HellonHeels "Probably because they spent the pandemic risking (and in some cases losing) their lives to give medical care or provide essential services to the rest of us."

Actually some banking types were essential workers who had to attend work throughout the pandemic** because they needed to be at their trading desks. Risking public transport etc to keep the wheels of capitalism turning...

But seriously, even if OP's friend has a point sometimes, it gets tedious hanging out with someone who constantly drips negativity. It might be that she has developed a sort of tick of commenting negatively on wealth and doesn't realise she's doing it or how grinding it sounds.

Not sure how OP can tackle trying to make her friend think about whether she's being overly focussed on this topic: might be worth a frank conversation if she's making OP feel judged, just to explain that it's a bit uncomfortable/wearing to hear such comments all the time. Tricky conversation to have though!

it gets tedious hanging out with someone who constantly drips negativity. It might be that she has developed a sort of tick of commenting negatively on wealth and doesn't realise she's doing it or how grinding it sounds

Yes. Negative thinking literally alters your brain too. So, the more negative thoughts you have, the more neural networks are created in your brain that look for confirmation of that opinion which then reinforces it over and over again and it multiplies. It can become almost like an obsession. This is exactly why CBT works and it's probably why once she started down that path she has become more and more militant about it as time has gone on.

The problem is, any valid points she has about inequality will be completely lost on people due to her unpleasant delivery. Noone likes being lectured and instead of thinking about the validity of her arguments they'll just think "fck you, how dare you tell me how to live". It's silly because what's she's doing isnt even working - noone is going to cancel their holiday because Linda at number 27 says they ought to. If she really wants to make the world a better place then why doesnt she volunteer or get involved in social change organisations? My guess is she won't because lecturing others gives her the moral high horse she really craves.

I bet she can't wait to retire with a good pension though

I'm not sure that stands for those in the public sector any longer to be honest.

I think the divide and conquer is going well though, pitching the public and private sectors against each other. Both have places where they work well, and don't work so well.

The fight for conditions,such as pay and pensions, in the public sector is one area I'd find it hard to condemn. It is action that helps address the poverty gap and something the OP's friend should think about getting involved in rather than getting bitter and resentful, maybe?

As for the OP, your issue seems far easier to resolve than societal injustice. If you can't take the status quo, talk to your friend to try and resolve things. If that doesn't work, end the friendship. If you continue to bad mouth her, you're doing what she is, aren't you? Moaning about the way things are without taking any action to fix it.

@bleughgreen "Yes those fucking awful bankers investing your pensions and dealing with immense stress when the markets go tits up"

Hahahahahahaha. Not. Those bankers who invested our pensions so well that companies can't afford to offer final salary schemes any longer, if they offer an occupational pension at all. Those bankers who operate in countries where the state pension age is inexorably rising.

Those bankers who celebrated when the guard rails between retail banking and investment banking were removed by politicians, because they saw pound signs and huge opportunities to enrich themselves.

Those bankers who pay themselves a hugely disproportionate chunk of money for gatekeeping and managing the world's wealth.

Those bankers who gamble on short term wins for themselves at the cost of our entire society's security and stability.

Those bankers who wilfully ignored the massive risks they knew they were taking and escaped criminal liability for the credit crunch and Global Financial Crisis of 2007-8, which is still being paid for by taxpayers.

Those bankers who privatise profits and nationalise losses.

Those bankers who are complicit with and personally profiting from immoral tax havens and illegal money laundering and tax evasion.

Those bankers?

I actually agree with her, and I work in the private sector, but I would never voice those opinions to my friends. Most of my friends are doing financially better than I am, but I dont hold that against them. If I had a friend that moaned and made these remarks constantly, I would have to say something, and I'm not very confrontational.

I didn't say every single one of them. You didn't specify the 'good, socially responsible ones' either, and it's a fact that the banking sector as a whole has behaved in extremely socially damaging ways whilst expecting someone else to pick up the tab and clean up the mess.

Yes I agree my argument about pensions was weak. It was your broader point about stalwart bankers sacrificing themselves for the common good of the vulnerable that triggered me.

@LauderSyme I think the point @bleughgreen and others are making is that banking is a necessary and valuable part of society, and it isn’t really fair or accurate to claim that nursing is more important. Both make important contributions and society wouldn’t really function without them. Wages relate to ability to recruit and sustain talent - if it’s easy to find good bankers then wages would be much lower. The shortage of nurses suggests a need for better compensation. Unfortunately private sector is more agile in responding to market dynamics than nhs/public sector.

both have bad actors as well - I have met many terrible nurses in my life.sometimes they are terrible because they are terrible, sometimes because systemic forces make it challenging to be good. Same with the bankers I know.

I have a friend who got a personality transplant during covid too. It's so odd.

Increasingly, entry level public sector workers are having to withdraw from their pension schemes because they can't as afford the contributions.

She's a hypocrite.

She hates companies making profit yet bemoans not making a personal profit herself.

The simple fact of the matter is that there's two options for earning more money. Either she works more hours or gets a job that pays more per hour and stays part time. That's the mechanics of it.

I have a friend who earns minimum wage as a web developer. It's their own business. They moan that they're skint, and I told them that either they get more/bigger customers, specialise in a more lucrative tech field, or get a part time job to give them a steady base level of income. Guess what? They did nothing, and nothing changed. They're still skint, and still bloody moaning!

Some people can't be helped as they simply won't put in the required effort for financial success, assuming no other limiting factors.

Obviously this has nothing to do with the societal value of the work your friend does. Value and salary two massively different things!

I've never known anyone who works in the public sector talk about all the benefits that are amazing compared to private sector eg pension, more holiday, sick pay, maternity/parental pay, flexible working request more likely to be approved, able up work anywhere in the country for many roles(NHS/teachers/police etc).

Plus some NHS staff are shockingly rude. Absolutely no excuse for it and they wouldn't get away with it in the private sector.

There wouldn't be a public sector without private business employing people and paying taxes. The public sector is gradually becoming a semi welfare state to berth these twats at

I imagine that it's incredibly tiresome for you to have to listen to this.

Firstly, she is obviously a complete hypocrite! If she was genuinely that bothered about the common good and making a difference then she would work more hours in her oh so important job that delivers such big benefits to society. She instead has chosen to prioritise herself and her own work/life balance. All well and good, but she can't really play the role of some pious martyr if she is making selfish decisions like the rest of the population.

Secondly, there would be no public sector without a private sector. Thriving businesses underpin a growing, thriving economy that benefits everyone including public services. They are not enemies of each other but codependents. How wealth is distributed is always contentious but the reality is that there does need to be some reward for the people that work incredibly hard, take the risks needed to grow successful businesses and innovate. The chance of failure is so high that most people wouldn't even contemplate entrepreneurship unless the potential monetary rewards were substantial.

I have friends like this too, and they are so draining and exhausting. They drain all of the fun out of absolutely everything with their fundamentalism. I would tell her, say you find the bitterness hard to listen to. If you don’t, the friendship will fold anyway as I imagine your patience will run dry sooner rather than later. At least by talking about it you will give her the opportunity to moderate her behaviour.

Sorry OP I agree with your friend, and I earn well in private sector.

It's sad to think the cost of living crisis is going to drive friends apart like this

Firstly, she is obviously a complete hypocrite! If she was genuinely that bothered about the common good and making a difference then she would work more hours in her oh so important job that delivers such big benefits to society. She instead has chosen to prioritise herself and her own work/life balance. All well and good, but she can't really play the role of some pious martyr if she is making selfish decisions like the rest of the population

This is exactly what jumped out at me too. Why is it ok for her to prioritise part time working if it benefits her but others are not allowed to prioritise the things that enhance their lives? If everyone worked part time and chose the same path she has, we'd have far less tax being paid for essential services. She's privileged to be able to do that and she doesnt even realise it lol.

Btw- I am not saying she shouldn't work part time, thats totally up to her, but the hypocrisy of her doing what she wants because it makes her life better and demanding others don't do that is breathtakingly hypocritical.

Her ire needs to be redirected - it’s the Tory government who have created this current mess, and denied funding & investment to public services.
Not the rando in the big car

I work in the private sector. It’s not easy either! Random job cuts, stagnant pay, lack of pay rises. Job insecurity. Rubbish pensions.

I’m not so sure public sector workers are aware of all this. There are big benefits to being public sector working. And as for friend- if she doesn’t have enough money she’ll have to either work more or find a new job - just like everyone else.

She sounds exhausting. I work in the public sector and agree that wages are crap but this is because they haven't risen with inflation so many of my colleagues are really struggling at the moment. The wages have always been lower than private sector and that is a choice you make when you enter into public sector. I am fortunate that my dh is private sector so we are better off. My problem is with my employer, the government. Not with people who have chosen to work in the private sector.