To be losing patience with a friend who has a massive chip on her shoulder about money?

[BarelyLiterate]

S & I have been friends for decades. We have a lot of shared history but her attitude to money is very annoying. She is a key worker in the public sector who chooses to work PT but constantly complains about how underpaid & skint she is. She could work FT if she wanted to but doesn’t see why she should compromise her work life balance to do so.

She is bitter & resentful towards ‘rich’ people who do jobs which she deems to be less important & worthwhile than hers, namely almost anyone who works in the private sector, but particularly in finance & business. She regards profit as immoral, particularly when it is made by big businesses which sell things that she needs to buy, eg food, petrol, electricity. Whenever she sees a flash car she starts ranting about rich twats showing off etc etc. She is tediously self-righteous about her own frugality & environmentalism while being scornful of others who own nice things, have nice holidays etc. The chips on her shoulders get bigger every year.

This is really starting to piss me off. I work in the private sector in a commercial role but I am by no means rich or materialistic. I don’t want to end the friendship, but I’m sick of her attitude. AIBU to tell her to give it a rest?

Hard to vote on this one.

1. She is right, it is infuriating that people in public sector roles are underpaid.
2. She is completely unreasonable to not work full time - that is just ridiculous. Who would not prefer to work part time or not at all if they could?
3. She is very annoying to bang on about it and needs to knock it off. I would just tell her that you cant listen to it any more. And hope she can listen to that.

I know, it is really annoying. The pandemic brought out a lot of virtue signalling and self righteousness in people. It wasn't helped by the fact that lockdown went on for about three times as long as it should have done.

"Whenever she sees a flash car she starts ranting about rich twats showing off etc etc."

I would have to respond to that with 'I expect they work full-time to afford it'. And variations thereof every time she starts to rant. And when she picked me up on it (as it sounds she would) I would point out the inconsistency of her endless moaning with her determination to not work full-time. She's made a conscious decision. So have the people who work full-time.

Her being "tediously self-righteous about her own frugality & environmentalism" is self-indulgent. Real 'look at me, look at me, put me on a pedestal' stuff. No. Self-righteousness has to be the most unattractive of personality traits, since by implication - and sometimes not implied, but explicitly stated - the self-righteous person is looking down their noses at those who don't measure up to their standard -that is, everyone. I do not suffer people looking down their nose at me, and I would have to tell them that. Explicitly.

And with "The chips on her shoulders get bigger every year", I don't think her attitude is healthy for her. If you want to be diplomatic, that's how you could raise the subject next time she rants. 'Julie, being so exercised about other people's lifestyle choices does nothing but push you blood pressure up. Can't you just be content with your own choices, and leave them to theirs?'

The UK is not becoming ever more unequal. And I bet she's happy enough to take advantage of cheap flights or holidays, which are only cheap because of competition. That's capitalism for you.

Give her a lump of coal for her birthday

Is she involved in politics? Could you direct her towards a campaign group so that she can channel her energy more constructively, and say you'd rather focus your friendship on your shared interests.

I’ve experienced this too. Lots of vitriol for:

Anyone more well off than herself
Doctors (lazy, privileged, paid too much)
Anyone who works in financial services
Anyone on benefits
Capitalism
Anyone with a partner
Anyone able to afford to have a baby
Single mums given council flats
Anyone who eats meat or dairy, even though she eats fish and dairy herself
British people in general

Ironically she is very privileged but doesn’t see it. Our friendship is steadily fizzling out, which is a shame because I really liked her and enjoyed her company until a couple of years ago.

I recently told her I’d started dating again. She asked why so I told her it was because I felt lonely and wanted to meet somebody to share a life with. She scoffed and said I was mad, and didn’t speak to me for two weeks. It was really hurtful. It’s like she was annoyed at the (unlikely) prospect of me being happy. The anger and bitterness is exhausting.

I don't entirely disagree with her on some of the topics but it's not good to be that preoccupied with how other people live or to bang on about it all the time.

I know someone who loves to discuss politics and it's not something I'm interested in getting into on a regular basis. I've got friends across the political spectrum and wealth/income spectrum. There's a lot to be said for keeping some things to yourself.

It always makes me laugh when people make sweeping populist statements like this. You both are presumably aware that democracy only works in countries with a market economy? And that market economy relies on a functioning banking systems, so that businesses and governments can raise funds?

Or would you prefer to be repressed in authoritarian China or to starve in communist Cuba?

It takes many different professions to make a successful society. And no, nurses are not more important than bankers.

It’s the tax the private sector pays that keeps the whole show on the road!

Every time she starts one of these rants, respond with "you're absolutely right, so what are you going to do about it?" and suggest she goes out protesting or canvassing for a political party she supports, that sort of thing.

She will more than likely not bother (assuming she hasn't done so already) and will stop raising these issues with you if she is being called out for being full of hot air

I agree with this post.

Ah reminds me of my acquaintance who harped on religiously about how the nhs is important to us, how amazing, how she hated fat cats at the top creaming huge salaries and squeezing money out of the nhs that was much needed and draining it of resources.

While woling long term as a locum as it paid much better and 'I like to know what I'm doung with my shifts'.

Now working in a set up private company to take contract work on behalf of nhs because of the huge amounts of money they can make from it.

Unfortunately they are like foghorn leghorn and never fucking shut up about how amazing they are so no one seems to notice the conflict of what they say and what they do.

It very much is

www.statista.com/topics/8436/inequality-in-the-uk/#topicOverview

Unequal societies make everyone cross, even the rich

It very much isn't. That page you linked to says:

broad income inequality has not increased much

Things have got more unequal particularly for key workers like nurses etc in NHS.
Take the private rental market as example.
To illustrate my point.
3 bed house on new build estate in my area - 950.00 a month.
On a new build estate very close to the largest hospital in the area.
Would be a stretch for a couple with a couple of kids working full-time perhaps 40,000 a year combined as keyworkers at the hospital but they can afford if they don't go on holiday this year no commuting costs so would be lovely family home.
But wait - the house is not far from the station- only a short commute from major city ( not London).
Young professional couple working in marketing £80.000 salary combined- hybrid workers - one day in the office the rest is WFH - could easily live in the city but no- we need at least two offices and one can double up as spare room and of course we need a garden for our summer entertaining. Which one does the landlord choose?
The professional couple on the £80,000 salary.

Irrespective of whether or not she has a good point...

Her constant whingeing changes nothing at all. All it does is annoy the people around her. In fact you could argue that it's actually counterproductive, since it irritates even her friends so much that they become less receptive to her views.

Not really.
Marshal your arguments and have a conversation about it. I’m not suggesting OP is right, or indeed wrong.
But if you don’t want a one sided discussion then you need to put your perspective forward.

Tell her to start working full time or stop whinging.

Just tell her to change the bloody record as she's become really tediously boring.

There are two types of friend those that give you energy when you see them and those that drain it from you. She sounds like an energy drainer and I’d be stopping or limiting the friendship.

Agree with @mamacorn1

You're right, most people don’t have someone that would drop everything at 3am without question. So if you’d genuinely like to preserve it then I suggest going down the route suggested by her.

I don’t think you need to fall out or challenge her opinions, but I’d respond by saying ‘ooh I dunno, I’d quite like to be a rich twat!’ Or ‘just because they drive a flash car doesn’t mean they’re a bad person.’

She is right in what she says, I agree with what she thinks but going on and on about it won't change anything and becomes tedious - I think I am a bit like your friend at times - but I am not part time - it is annoying as fuck the wealth some obtain ha ha.

I would tell her what you have said above - if I was in trouble & needed help at 3am I know you would drop everything & be there. Not many people any of us can say that about. I would do the do same for you but can you please sometimes with all the love in the world give it a rest . It’s not that I don’t share your views in many ways, but simply repeating the same comments over and over don't change anything.

Fellow NHS worker here. She can’t really moan about being skint while not working full time. Of course she’s skint!

Life is unfair. There are always going to be people who are far, far richer than you will ever be - fabulous houses, posh cars, exotic holidays. What she needs to realise is that SO much of what she sees is fake. Massive house? Probably mortgaged up to the eyeballs. Posh car? Very strong chance it’s maxed out on finance and they don’t own it. Not many people can drop 50k on a Range Rover. Fabulous holidays? A lot can be achieved with being thrifty - I’ve been to some stunning instagramable places on a tiny budget. So much of travel is about being smart, doing your research, and booking those crappy 5am flights.

Maybe just remind her of this. The really rich don’t flaunt their wealth. The one person I know who’s got multi millions in assets works his arse off for it. Drives a crappy old Citroen and sent his kids to state school so they stayed grounded.