To be losing patience with a friend who has a massive chip on her shoulder about money?

[BarelyLiterate]

S & I have been friends for decades. We have a lot of shared history but her attitude to money is very annoying. She is a key worker in the public sector who chooses to work PT but constantly complains about how underpaid & skint she is. She could work FT if she wanted to but doesn’t see why she should compromise her work life balance to do so.

She is bitter & resentful towards ‘rich’ people who do jobs which she deems to be less important & worthwhile than hers, namely almost anyone who works in the private sector, but particularly in finance & business. She regards profit as immoral, particularly when it is made by big businesses which sell things that she needs to buy, eg food, petrol, electricity. Whenever she sees a flash car she starts ranting about rich twats showing off etc etc. She is tediously self-righteous about her own frugality & environmentalism while being scornful of others who own nice things, have nice holidays etc. The chips on her shoulders get bigger every year.

This is really starting to piss me off. I work in the private sector in a commercial role but I am by no means rich or materialistic. I don’t want to end the friendship, but I’m sick of her attitude. AIBU to tell her to give it a rest?

Hilarious! The number of UK billionaires has increased by a fifth since the Covid pandemic! The OP is not to blame but you're delusional of you think that wealth inequality has not worsened and will continue to get worse!

Wealth inequality is what is important those with assets and those without - I would imagine you know that though!

I would say “there is not much I can do about that mate, let’s change subject” and then talk about anything else you have to say. I would actually swerve the topic. If this doesn’t help, scale back your involvement to minimal contact. You might be able to put up with bite size lunch meet ups, or the odd call

This is what I'd do. I'd keep saying it in firmer and firmer tones and hope she got the message as she does sound like a good friend who has been there for you in the past.

If, after several tries of this she still wouldnt stop then I'd distance myself from her completely- having support from her at 3am during the occasional life crisis wouldnt be worth the cost of having to listen to constant, unrelenting negativity for me. Thats too high a price to pay I'm afraid.

She is tediously self-righteous about her own frugality & environmentalism while being scornful of others who own nice things, have nice holidays etc

Oh good grief no. I couldn't bear this. I haven't had a holiday since 2016 and am planning an amazing one for this year. Any "friend" who tried to ruin this for me would get told very quickly where to shove their opinion. She sounds like a right miserable old sod.

having support from her at 3am during the occasional life crisis wouldnt be worth the cost of having to listen to constant, unrelenting negativity for me.

That’s an interesting point. I assumed from the comment about dropping everything at 3am that OP valued the friend for being the kind of person who would do that and for obviously caring about her. If that’s not the case, then I’d agree the friendship isn’t worth maintaining - I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone who found me really annoying and was only hanging onto me in case I could be useful to them, either.

I would take a different approach

Each time she starts going off in one tell her that you agree but don't have the spoons today. If practices what she preaches she should be sympathetic

Oh the pious NHS workers - yawn

That would get a bit tedious after a while. You’re being totally reasonable.

I've actually got a friend who has started taking a faux pious stance on many things (not just based around money).

This friend really seemed to have a personality transplant during COVID.

I am distancing myself from her, unfortunately it is slightly tricky due to swapping presents with each others children, knowing each others parents etc.

Personally I think COVID has hit many peoples mental health hard

Are you OP's friend? 😂

Having once worked alongside people with similar attitudes to this friend of yours OP, I decided I couldn't be friends with people who think like that. Unfortunately, some people (not all) who work in the public sector, have little idea of how the real world works and can't understand that capitalism pays the country's bills including their wages.
I was glad to get out and not look back.🙄

Who does this friend think funds the NHS?

The tax payer.

Who contributes most tax?

High earners. Through salaries and bonuses.

This self-righteous attitude would really get on my goat. Your friend has made her choices, and it’s a bit disrespectful to harp on about it all the time, or berate others for their own different life choices. Not sure why she does this - is she after validation? I’d put down some boundaries about not constantly discussing the same thing ad infinitum.

This. Can you not, OP, hear yourself?

Eh? I'm a key worker- worked practically 24/7 during lockdown with vulnerable people in their community, making sure they had their meds, care etc..

That kind of pious, negative attitude would piss me off too. Yes, it was hard and yes, it was tiring but what am I going to do?- spend the rest of my life in misery lecturing others about they should be living as a result?

Yeah, no thanks. I want to enjoy the time I have left on this planet- life is way too short to spend it complaining and judging others.

Fair enough. I didn't mean to sound pious, obviously. Gratitude is warranted though, isn't it?

Good luck with telling her to give it rest. Because she sounds like a person who has repeated her messaging so often, it's ingrained and part of who she is. And what messaging do you have in response to justify your private sector life? There are plenty (so many) stands to take - but what is yours? And what do you actually like about her? You're going to have to give her a small minor social nose bleeds - "cancel seeing her due to stress" and then confess that her complaints are stressful to listen to, as much as you sympathise. Repeat as often as needed, until message has got through.

Oh I didn’t mean you were being pious! Just that she sounds unrelentingly judgy.

Gratitude is always appreciated but I don’t think her going around lecturing people about their holidays etc is going to do anything but put people’s backs up is all. People tend to listen to well reasoned kind words and take them in far more than being scolded by someone who considers themselves morally superior basically.

Can't see this getting sorted just by your mentioning it even in very strong terms. However many decades you have been friends, there was a junction somewhere where she turned left and you turned right. Sadly, there is no turning back. She sees herself in amongst hostile elements and unless you have the same perception, you can never be an ally! I have a son who never stops going on about the 1 % and big pharma and Western politicians being more corrupt than African ones. My only answer is 'what shall we do about it" the answer obviously being nought!

Agree completely.

The NHS which can't afford to pay it's frontline staff adequately? The NHS with increasingly long waiting lists for critical procedures? The NHS which hasn't enough ambulances to take patients to hospitals with not enough beds?

Perhaps bankers aren't creating as much value as they think?

She needs to decide whether to
be right or be good company.

One of my friends kids is in her late 30’s and has worked crazy long hours all over the world for the past 18 years . She is due a very large bonus to be paid in the UK as her current employer is London based and she’s resident here . 60% of this bonus will go straight to the treasury in tax. She doesn’t complain because she regards herself as fortunate to be skilled in a difficult but sought for role.
I’ve already thanked her for paying mine and her mums pension this year ……
Not everyone on a six figure salary acts like a leach but by God most work incredibly hard for their pay .

Also in agreement.
so unfair that nurses, fire fighters etc have to fight for fair pay while bankers and politicians get huge bonuses and pay rises.