To be losing patience with a friend who has a massive chip on her shoulder about money?

[BarelyLiterate]

S & I have been friends for decades. We have a lot of shared history but her attitude to money is very annoying. She is a key worker in the public sector who chooses to work PT but constantly complains about how underpaid & skint she is. She could work FT if she wanted to but doesn’t see why she should compromise her work life balance to do so.

She is bitter & resentful towards ‘rich’ people who do jobs which she deems to be less important & worthwhile than hers, namely almost anyone who works in the private sector, but particularly in finance & business. She regards profit as immoral, particularly when it is made by big businesses which sell things that she needs to buy, eg food, petrol, electricity. Whenever she sees a flash car she starts ranting about rich twats showing off etc etc. She is tediously self-righteous about her own frugality & environmentalism while being scornful of others who own nice things, have nice holidays etc. The chips on her shoulders get bigger every year.

This is really starting to piss me off. I work in the private sector in a commercial role but I am by no means rich or materialistic. I don’t want to end the friendship, but I’m sick of her attitude. AIBU to tell her to give it a rest?

I couldn't be doing with it.

From this, it sounds like a genuine and open conversation would be worth it. It could be done with the approach of you sharing how you feel when she talks in this way about these things, as someone who works in the private sector (as opposed to getting into the issues themselves, particularly as you seem to be in agreement with her some of the time).

Having a friend that you know you can rely on like that, and feel the same about, is worth fighting for.

She sounds like my ex-friend who works in the public sector...continuously harps on about the wealth of people working for themselves or the 'amazing' flexibility of their job. She recently returned to work after being on full-pay for 6 months because of stress, which she spent down the gym or posting pictures of her training regime, to return to work 3 weeks ago and now be on a 2 week holiday abroad!
She's draining and doesn't add value to my life, hence ex friend.

Who are overpaid.

I agree completely with your friends opinions, but not her behaviour

I agree.

I know two people like that. One stopped the rants when she married a private equity guy (and now is a SAHM of a 1 child) and the other one also stopped ranting when she married a wealthy man (now she is also a SAHM of 1 child posting videos of herself doing yoga and being connected to nature...)

I agree about some of those things e.g. six figure salaries etc anything increasing the gap between rich and poor. However, I am not angry or bitter and accept it is part of the society I live in. I also wouldn’t even want a large amount of wealth as I believe it comes with stress and is a lonely place but some people want to chase that life so good for them. Your friend sounds like she would actually want that life and is jealous on the other hand. Jealous people don’t make good friends and I predict you will be disappointed by her in the future. She may drop everything if you needed her but that is not a good measure of friendship imo. It is when you are doing much better than them that they start to have an issue with you, not when you are in need!

The moral high ground can be very expensive, a luxury many cannot afford.

How so? Bankers’ value creation as an industry (and their personal tax) pays for large parts of the NHS, the benefits system and the education. Give it a rest.

Hey OP your whiny friend is on here

I read this comment from Philippa Perry recently. "We know who our friends are because we feel good when we are around them" I think that applies to you OP.

Ask her who will pay her wages if the economy does not have any private sector companies.

Where does she think the government will get the money from?

You can agree with her opinion without wanting to hear about it the whole bloody time. She needs to shut up about it, it’s so boring.

The Queen let the flowers in a flowerbed get planted in a display to thank the NHS, what with that and the hand claps you'd think she'd be more grateful.

I have some sympathy for her views, but unless you happen to be one of the few that owns the means of production (or most of your wealth is unearned) we're all having to sell our labour to feed and house ourselves.

You might want to remind her of that, and that in perpetuating manufacturered division between the rest of us, she's helping to ensure nothing changes.

I cannot bear people who are resentful of others who have, or can do, more, for whatever reason. It's a normal part of life to encounter those who are better off in one way or another, what good does it do to resent them for it? None at all.

Your friend needs a wake up call. We all have choices, she has chosen her job and hours and either has to live with it or change it. If she is happy how she is, why not just be happy and not care about what others do, earn or have? It makes no sense.

If you can find the right time to tactfully say all that to your friend, op, it would be a good thing. I'm sure you know people who are in a 'better' position than you, and are not in the least jealous. Tell her that for a start.

@alwaysmovingforwards we care workers would be useful tax wise if we were paid a decent salary for the hard work we do!

I agree that people who work in care are useful. Wouldn't be without them. But they probably wouldn't want to be without their pensions, would they? Or without their Trust's ability to borrow money if needed?

@LoveAHamSandwhich what pension would that be? I've worked in care for more than a decade and a half and my pension is barely worth the paper it's written on. You're talking bullshit!

I worked with someone like that OP, in a different branch of the public service. Like your friend she would go to the ends of the earth if someone was stuck. But my goodness you paid for that friendship, by having to listen to constant moaning about her "poor" circumstances!

I cracked one day and said to her that she'd have a whole lot more money if she gave up the daily 3 x large lattes. I did the maths and if she saved the money instead she'd have at least £400 per year. Not to mention the muffin or bar of chocolate she always got with each coffee!

So every time she'd start saying that it was well for me being able to afford a new pair of jeans or whatever, I'd respond with "well remember, if you just gave up the coffees you'd have £400 extra per annum". It did take the wind out of her sails a bit.

Her moaning was a bit of a habit though, she just couldn't seem to help herself. Also it worked for her, her elderly mum was constantly giving her handouts and new people meeting her would often offer to eg buy her a coffee (or whatever). But they always copped on eventually!

Thanks everyone for some interesting responses. It’s good to hearthat others have experienced similar issues whose old friends’ lives have taken different paths. To those who have highlighted that she has a point, I agree. It’s more the way she expresses it that’s the issue.

I am going to push back on her arguments by pointing out that job security, pensions, opportunities for flexible working etc are all better in the public sector. I also agree that many public sector workers who have never worked in the private sector have a lot of misconceptions about the realities of business.

I’m also going to point out that I can’t change any of the stuff which she is so resentful about so I don’t know what she expects me to. Other than vote to get rid of the Tories, obv.

This ^^

I actively avoid people with radically opposing views and lifestyles to mine, partly so I don't sound like your friend but mostly because I don't like them and they bore me. Found a cause and like minded folk, all good. Each to their own.

Bet she's one of those martyrs who marvelled that she got to queue jump in Aldi during Covid times 😆

But we can’t all do ‘worthy’ jobs, some of us need to sell stuff or make stuff otherwise we’d all be sleeping on straw mattresses in huts and walking everywhere! I don’t k ow why people get themselves so upset over things they’re never going to be able to change.

@OP Ooh! there are tons of those on MN .

I have a friend like this, she’s also NHS, it’s so annoying. She’s always comparing our salaries (I’m private sector) and asks how much I got when it’s pay rise time. I know she thinks her jobs more important than mine and wonders why I’m paid more. But the thing is, she doesn’t want to go for her next bands up, she doesn’t want the extra responsibility. I on the other hand worked hard for promotions and went for them, I have a lot of responsibility in my role and am paid accordingly. If I had chosen not to like she did then I would be paid much less and similar to her.

I voted yabu just because I think if you’re friends with someone you’re friends with them and if they drive you that crazy you’re not really friends anyway!!! People with that big a chip on their shoulder will only ever get rid of it if they get more money. Everyone else has it better, everyone else isn’t doing as much as them in work, and nobody is worse off than them financially. I know everyone is giving you ways of getting through to her/ reasoning with her and hopefully they work but people rarely change deep seated views around money

I agree with your friend OP about the widening gap between rich and poor and nowhere is this more starkly visible than on the front line. However, to my mind she’s using the wrong barometer, if someone has a nice car or a designer top it’s probably come out of taxed income and that’s their choice; it’s not an indication of moral bankruptcy. My problem is with the wealthy who manage to avoid contributing and end up with a proportionately smaller tax burden than the people who clean their houses or service their cars.

Of course it’s complicated; the person with the nice car etc, could be a six figure earner who is also a front line worker (like a friend of mine working their socks off in respiratory medicine throughout the pandemic). It’s actually very difficult to divide humans up into good and bad using simple terms like your friend seems to be doing. On the other hand, working where she’s been working over the last few years is enough to give anyone a jaundiced view and unfortunately it becomes habitual after a while, which is probably damaging her.

There is, unsurprisingly, a huge surge in poor mental health among front line workers (PTSD, depression, burnout) and perhaps this accounts for her anger at other people?

I think, as you share her views to a point and she’s a good friend in other ways it’s worth trying to have an honest conversation with her about having to listen to the same thing time and time again. If she isn’t prepared to drop the subject with you after that conversation then you’ve got a clearer choice.