AIBU that our friends are much richer than they've let on?

[richmanpoorman]

Long and weird one, that has completely split a friend group.
18 years ago we attended antenatal classes and met a lovely group of people. Out of 8 couples in the class, 5 have stayed in the same location and we’ve all become super close. We see each other all the time in big and small groups and go on a holiday once a year. The children are all very close.

Now all our oldest are 18 they’re all looking at university. The kids were all out having a drink and the subject of funding came up. They’re all doing a combination of loans plus parental contribution except one lad who drunkenly admitted that his parents have a fund for him and his younger sister, for university and house deposits, of around £850k.

Under any other circumstances this would have been none of our business… except for the last 18 years they’ve pleaded poverty. As a group we are all in a relatively comfortable situation, with the exception of this couple who despite quite impressive sounding jobs were very open about struggling financially with a big mortgage etc. Therefore we’ve all been really careful. Every time we’ve gone out for we pick a budget option. Every holiday has been planned based on the fact that they could only pay half what others could afford so we’ve spent 18 years staying in some pretty grim self catering places. In context, say they paid £500 for their share of the accommodation- another £500 (or even £250) from each couple would have been a nice upgrade holiday wise.

It turns out that they made a decision to only live on one income, and to totally save and invest the other income. Apparently they have just therefore never factored it into consideration as it went straight into various investment accounts, so they were technically broke as it wasn’t then easily accessible. One year we all actually paid for her son to attend rugby camp as they didn’t have the cash. It wasn’t a lot of money (£20 a day) but the audacity feels huge.

3 of the couples have stopped speaking to them. (Tbh it might have landed better if the last holiday self catering place hadn’t had been so totally grim, with the younger daughter of one of the families injuring herself due to some shoddy maintenance….)

DH and I are more on the fence. While as a group we all earn roughly the same we do come from different backgrounds- DH and I a more modest teacher/ nurse/ bookkeeper/ florist combo compared to some of the others who did have significant financial help early on in life. This early financial help is clear in the lives they live- with similar earnings we have a much smaller house, state schools etc. Family help early on has made a massive difference to the lives of some in the group. The couple in question have explained that they both come from very impoverished backgrounds, with a lot of financial insecurity. Good degrees and careers landed them in a group of friends where it was obvious the impact money had early in life (eg house deposits, no loans etc). So they made the decision to do that for their children. They’re not materialistic themselves so didn’t miss skiing/ nice clothes/ smart cars/ home decor etc, so they just decided to “hack” their kids into a fantastic start in life.

Our other friends argue that the impact of another £1-2k a year on a few nicer holidays and dinners etc wouldn’t have materially impacted the fund, and would have meant that we could have had better group experiences, plus there’s all the intangible stuff like not suggesting we stop for coffees because it felt uncomfortable that they wouldn’t get anything, and being careful talking about other spending in case it seemed insensitive.

I’m so upset. We had such a lovely group with such a strong bond and now it’s all a mess. We’re the only couple still talking to everyone which in itself is causing problems. I’m posting here because we’ve just been added to a group called “Skiing 2025” with all of the group except this couple, which seems pointed (because we’ve never even suggested skiing before because of the cost.)

The kids are upset. The son is deeply depressed that he started this and they’re trying to stay friends separately.

I suppose my AIBU is “am I being unreasonable to be pissed off that my friends were richer than they let on?” and more broadly what would people do?

Ps- I’m aware some of them are on Mumsnet….

This. All sounds ridiculous.

But interested re the tax implications!

I don't think they've done anything wrong. They very wisely decided on their financial goals and then lived within their means to enable those goals. Why should they have shared their financial situation with the rest of the group?

That's kind of the point though isn't it? The friendship group believed the saving friends didn't have the choice to go expensive and did not want to force them to be excluded.

They now know the friends did have the choice to go expensive, and therefore if they had been given that option they would have chosen to exclude themselves, not been forced out by the group. Very different and I understand why the group are annoyed.

We are all well off with good jobs. Everyone works. She's easily earning £50-70k and he earns more which is what I could never quite understand.

Why should they have shared their financial situation with the rest of the group?

The issue is they lied about it, that’s what some people in the group are unhappy about.

So the drunken discussion info was passed on to one of the other parents,who then approached the couple to talk about their finances.

Wtf does it have to do with other people how they save their money?

I think growing up in a impoverished situation is something that the rest of the friendship group will never truly understand.

They didn't ask for the rugby tour to be paid for them then. Perhaps they didn't plan on sending their son, but then it just paid for seemingly without any discussion, so he went.

Lied about what? They told their friends their budget and their friends decided to accommodate to that budget. Why did they have to disclose that they were saving one income and their 10-15 year financial plans? 🤣. Do you tell your friends exactly how much you make and what exactly you spend your money on? Is not like the frugal friends were going on holidays heavily subzidezed by the rest of the group....I bet they would have been ok if the frugal friends had spent their money in lots of clothes, or a flashy car then saying they had a reduced budget for a holiday but because they saved and are now in a much better financial position now there is an issue.

The holidays were fun. They're a lovely couple. The kids get on well.
They could just have been a lot more comfortable!

@richmanpoorman surely she was earning less 18 yrs ago though.

Did you miss the bit where they let other people pay for the rugby club?

I'd had been pissed off tbh. I'm willing to admit I'm a bit profligate at times and enjoy doing nice things, but I would always be sensitive to friends who weren't in a similar financial position and would choose the inclusive option.

But I also like to do nice things from time to time, so I would be annoyed if friends had given the illusion that the reason they didn't have the budget to occasionally go on a nicer holiday wasn't need, but was actually a choice. Twenty odd years of always doing the budget option because one family are actually a bit tight (for perfectly valid reasons) would honestly grate here as well.

Those of you who think they been very canny- nope- they've allowed others to subsidise their kids and make choices they may well not have made by blatantly being very economical with the truth- I would have dropped the friendship even if I liked them on the surface as I don't like having the piss taken out of us by people who are are meant to be friends. Some 'friends' they are

but because they saved and are now in a much better financial position now there is an issue.

But the OP has said that isn’t true @Moreorlessmentallystable

See message above. He's an accountant so I'm sure it's all above board but tbh I'm not saying for the ins and outs! (Although perhaps I should.... he's obviously invested amazingly!)

Do you tell your friends exactly how much you make and what exactly you spend your money on?

I do 🤷🏻‍♀️

This. Exactly

I think the angst about this couple stems from their own actions: constantly pleading financial constraints, because this type of disclosure does put pressure on others, particularly if the ‘others’ then feel quite privileged in comparison to their ‘poorer’ friends. In this case you’ve tried to accommodate their needs by ‘roughing it’ so as to minimize costs. Is it a deal breaker? I suppose it depends on how much their friendship adds to your life. You’re older and wiser, so there’s no need to choose frugality any more. If you remain friends point out that for years ‘to help them out’ cheap holidays were arranged…you want something else now. See how they react….

Sorry, what did the op said isn't true?

I absolutely understand the frustration. That's a lot of crap holidays that you've all put up with (including the kids) because they deliberately misled you all about their financial situation. You don't get those childhood holiday experiences back. Not to mention the constant smaller stuff. You have been showing a lot of consideration for them based on their fake poverty.

Having said that, none of this is their kids' fault, and their eldest must be feeling terrible and worrying that he will lose his mates over this. Honestly the parents have done their DS no favours by naming amounts to him at this age - what on earth were they thinking?!

Personally, I would just start having group holidays/events that are more expensive and more in line with what you actually want to do (like the skiing, but including everybody). The fake breadline parents can decide whether or not they want to join in. It may be best if everyone just sucks up their justifiable annoyance at the parents for the sake of the kids. Or the kids may be old enough to start having events of their own.

If they didn't plead poverty all the time, I'd say you were being unreasonable because nobody's obliged to share all their financial details with friends. It doesn't matter whether £X was all they had to go towards a holiday or £X was all they were willing to budget towards a holiday.

The fact they've spent 18 years pleading poverty and it's affected everyone's behaviour is outrageous when they were actually being dishonest.
Had they not pleaded poverty, you all might stop for a take out coffee and they could choose whether to buy one or not or you could suggest days out and they would choose to attend or not based on what they'd allocated in their budget (like most parents have to).

Because they've chosen to make up a poverty act, you've all tried to be sensitive to someone's different financial circumstances only to find out that they're liars.

I would be annoyed too. Not that they have saved the money, but that this impacted on your holidays over the years and they never said anything.

I would be cross and possibly choose to keep out of their way for a while, but not sure whether I would want to totally destroy the friendship group.

They should put theirs hands up to this and the next holiday is a decent one and they either pay for it all or at least pay half.

Yes, this is exactly how I think I would feel if I were in this situation.

I don't think they didn't take the salary they put away into account, I think they knew exactly what they were doing by not telling you as they didn't want to miss out and this way they were always included.

Could part of the upset friends anger come from an upset in the unconscious hierarchy? Maybe these friends who were thought to be wealthier felt more superior unconsciously and this has upset the balance a bit?

Close friends of mine were moving at the same time as me and repeatedly sent houses that were below my budget that they considered beneath them. When I actually ended up by a more expensive house they went funny for a while as it wasn’t the order that things ‘should’ be in their minds…a single parent shouldn’t be able to buy a more expensive house than them. I dunno money does weird things to people for sure!