AIBU that our friends are much richer than they've let on?

[richmanpoorman]

Long and weird one, that has completely split a friend group.
18 years ago we attended antenatal classes and met a lovely group of people. Out of 8 couples in the class, 5 have stayed in the same location and we’ve all become super close. We see each other all the time in big and small groups and go on a holiday once a year. The children are all very close.

Now all our oldest are 18 they’re all looking at university. The kids were all out having a drink and the subject of funding came up. They’re all doing a combination of loans plus parental contribution except one lad who drunkenly admitted that his parents have a fund for him and his younger sister, for university and house deposits, of around £850k.

Under any other circumstances this would have been none of our business… except for the last 18 years they’ve pleaded poverty. As a group we are all in a relatively comfortable situation, with the exception of this couple who despite quite impressive sounding jobs were very open about struggling financially with a big mortgage etc. Therefore we’ve all been really careful. Every time we’ve gone out for we pick a budget option. Every holiday has been planned based on the fact that they could only pay half what others could afford so we’ve spent 18 years staying in some pretty grim self catering places. In context, say they paid £500 for their share of the accommodation- another £500 (or even £250) from each couple would have been a nice upgrade holiday wise.

It turns out that they made a decision to only live on one income, and to totally save and invest the other income. Apparently they have just therefore never factored it into consideration as it went straight into various investment accounts, so they were technically broke as it wasn’t then easily accessible. One year we all actually paid for her son to attend rugby camp as they didn’t have the cash. It wasn’t a lot of money (£20 a day) but the audacity feels huge.

3 of the couples have stopped speaking to them. (Tbh it might have landed better if the last holiday self catering place hadn’t had been so totally grim, with the younger daughter of one of the families injuring herself due to some shoddy maintenance….)

DH and I are more on the fence. While as a group we all earn roughly the same we do come from different backgrounds- DH and I a more modest teacher/ nurse/ bookkeeper/ florist combo compared to some of the others who did have significant financial help early on in life. This early financial help is clear in the lives they live- with similar earnings we have a much smaller house, state schools etc. Family help early on has made a massive difference to the lives of some in the group. The couple in question have explained that they both come from very impoverished backgrounds, with a lot of financial insecurity. Good degrees and careers landed them in a group of friends where it was obvious the impact money had early in life (eg house deposits, no loans etc). So they made the decision to do that for their children. They’re not materialistic themselves so didn’t miss skiing/ nice clothes/ smart cars/ home decor etc, so they just decided to “hack” their kids into a fantastic start in life.

Our other friends argue that the impact of another £1-2k a year on a few nicer holidays and dinners etc wouldn’t have materially impacted the fund, and would have meant that we could have had better group experiences, plus there’s all the intangible stuff like not suggesting we stop for coffees because it felt uncomfortable that they wouldn’t get anything, and being careful talking about other spending in case it seemed insensitive.

I’m so upset. We had such a lovely group with such a strong bond and now it’s all a mess. We’re the only couple still talking to everyone which in itself is causing problems. I’m posting here because we’ve just been added to a group called “Skiing 2025” with all of the group except this couple, which seems pointed (because we’ve never even suggested skiing before because of the cost.)

The kids are upset. The son is deeply depressed that he started this and they’re trying to stay friends separately.

I suppose my AIBU is “am I being unreasonable to be pissed off that my friends were richer than they let on?” and more broadly what would people do?

Ps- I’m aware some of them are on Mumsnet….

A few people have brought up jealousy. Tbh it's interesting as I'm certain they're not jealous.

Generational wealth being what it is their kids will get inheritance from grandparents, from them, from various small family trusts etc. The ones who should be jealous are me and DH with nothing to fall back on! We have however given our kids a nice life- plenty of fun holidays and experiences, school trips, nicely decorated rooms in a warm house, a dog. Our friends' kids have not had this- but will get a shedload of cash and no student debt! It's a weird one.

I don't understand why adults - well educated, high earning adults with autonomy and choices - took their children on group holidays they all hated - every year for 18 years.

I don't buy it. Not saying you're lying. I just wonder if you enjoyed the holidays at the time but now this has come out it's coloured your view.

Also nobody I know outside a Joanna Trollope novel goes on holiday every year with their NCT mates. That's weird.

Clearly not because they prioritise eating out and spending more on holidays

Yep packed lunches & basic holidays will defo get you 850k 🙄

I would usually say it’s none of your business. But their manic squirrelling of cash has impacted on you and they’ve in effect lied. It’s not they are skint just they are saving money and impacting on other people’s holidays / outings / sport camps etc. The rugby camp element to it is the icing on the cake! I would majorly distance myself from them but let the children make their own decision

Come on £20 on an 18 year friendship is hardly subsidizing and it's just so telling on the level of pettiness on this "friends" group. We have treated our friends to dinners, hosted in many occasions, and never felt like I would be offended if our friends are in a better financial position than us, it's just ridiculous!

It’s none of your business how much anyone has in the bank though. It’s so weird that you’re annoyed about this. I am very lucky in financial terms but am I hell telling my friends my net worth - for a lot of reasons!

From a tax perspective- I don’t think you can give £850000 to your dcs, without HMRC wanting their cut.

I'm staggered that you've been such close friends for 18 years yet not realised they were squirrelling away nearly £50k pa. Surely someone must have pondered how two working adults were always skint?

And surely a bunch of close friends who have kids doing a levels have had conversations about funding and finances?

The rugby thing wasn't their fault. It sounds as though the kids wanted to do it so the other dad booked it without consulting.

They prioritised their income differently to the rest of you.

I think you're all being unfair on them.

What a poor lesson to give the kids.

Yes , they lived on one salary. So a second £24k salary could easily have been saved.

We earn the most out of our friendship group.

No grand gestures but we will often get beers in, pay more for meals out and weekends away etc.

I would be hurt to find out one couple actually had far more. I would feel they had taken advantage.

I would rather honesty therefore allowing the group to decide a fair budget.

It's wonderful they managed to scrape by to provide these opportunities for their children.

It's the lying about it/ lack of transparency and pleading poverty which would make me immensely angry in your shoes.

Because there's a huge difference between living in actual poverty and pleading it because you're putting away £850k for your children.

That's the kicker.

As long as the giftee lives 7 years then it’s fine.

Also, how often have you and the rest of the gang low level subsidised them? You know, things like more likely to havr meals.at your house because they cant afford to.entertain/don't have space? Or saying, "no no, we got the wine " when out all together etc? I bet its loads, like my flatmate.

If you all liked their company enough to tailor your holidays & social life to the extent that
' snacks' and even coffee has come into consideration you all must have really liked these people! You can still like them you know.🤷‍♀️ Their finances are their business, no one forced anyone onto numerolidays

Because some friends are just people I have fun with and do stuff with vs being intimate level friends.

We actually have a somewhat reverse problem in that my DH’s coworkers think we’re millionaires. Their evidence, we take expensive holidays and when we first moved to the area we lived in the really expensive part of town.

The reality- we rented in the only rental in the really expensive part of town and got a great deal. The house we bought and lifestyle are designed for one salary as a just in case measure. Our house literally hasn’t been changed since the 50’s, we drive old paid off cars, and don’t have a lot of toys. But we’re comfortable, save a lot, and spend a lot on travel.

At the end of the day though, the only people who need to know what our finances are is us and the tax man.

Yes , they lived on one salary. So a second £24k salary could easily have been saved

Er 24k net was a lot of money 18 years ago & many would struggle to afford mortgage, childcare on one salary.

'Numerous holidays with shoddy facilities '

Well, this is a good lesson for the poor lad never to discuss money!
I think I’d feel a bit put out that we’d missed out on stuff and the Rugby thing isn’t on.
But, also I think providing a good start for your children is admirable. I think young people are facing a bleak financial future without family help. Years ago DH and I bought our first house in our early 20’s on very modest wages. That just wouldn't/couldn’t happen 40 years later. So I can see why the parents have done it.
I’d also say, the older you get the harder it is to meet people and make new friends, so I’d think carefully before abandoning a decades old friendship.

It's frankly an insult. Be up front, without needing to suggest figures, and it's fine. As someone who has struggled with actual poverty, I find people who behave this way really vile. Do it but own it.

I don't think it's quite that.

They said they had no money so for eighteen years things were fitted around this. The others would've felt guilty otherwise.

In reality they saved money - if the others had known they had money but were choosing not to spend it then the others would've felt fine to go ahead without them knowing the couple had made choices with their own money.

But they were making the group change their (the group's) financial choices to please them (the secretly rich couple)

I agree!

At the end of the day though, the only people who need to know what our finances are is us and the tax man.

I think it’s a very British thing & I’m not British. Plenty of other countries are open about earnings & people talk honestly to their friends.

They're not handing it over! Not insane . The money is apparently split between junior ISAs for the kids to pay for uni and adult investment and savings in their name to handover at the right time.

@richmanpoorman I didn’t mean literally just that it’s a large sum money to accrue from earnings.