AIBU that our friends are much richer than they've let on?

[richmanpoorman]

Long and weird one, that has completely split a friend group.
18 years ago we attended antenatal classes and met a lovely group of people. Out of 8 couples in the class, 5 have stayed in the same location and we’ve all become super close. We see each other all the time in big and small groups and go on a holiday once a year. The children are all very close.

Now all our oldest are 18 they’re all looking at university. The kids were all out having a drink and the subject of funding came up. They’re all doing a combination of loans plus parental contribution except one lad who drunkenly admitted that his parents have a fund for him and his younger sister, for university and house deposits, of around £850k.

Under any other circumstances this would have been none of our business… except for the last 18 years they’ve pleaded poverty. As a group we are all in a relatively comfortable situation, with the exception of this couple who despite quite impressive sounding jobs were very open about struggling financially with a big mortgage etc. Therefore we’ve all been really careful. Every time we’ve gone out for we pick a budget option. Every holiday has been planned based on the fact that they could only pay half what others could afford so we’ve spent 18 years staying in some pretty grim self catering places. In context, say they paid £500 for their share of the accommodation- another £500 (or even £250) from each couple would have been a nice upgrade holiday wise.

It turns out that they made a decision to only live on one income, and to totally save and invest the other income. Apparently they have just therefore never factored it into consideration as it went straight into various investment accounts, so they were technically broke as it wasn’t then easily accessible. One year we all actually paid for her son to attend rugby camp as they didn’t have the cash. It wasn’t a lot of money (£20 a day) but the audacity feels huge.

3 of the couples have stopped speaking to them. (Tbh it might have landed better if the last holiday self catering place hadn’t had been so totally grim, with the younger daughter of one of the families injuring herself due to some shoddy maintenance….)

DH and I are more on the fence. While as a group we all earn roughly the same we do come from different backgrounds- DH and I a more modest teacher/ nurse/ bookkeeper/ florist combo compared to some of the others who did have significant financial help early on in life. This early financial help is clear in the lives they live- with similar earnings we have a much smaller house, state schools etc. Family help early on has made a massive difference to the lives of some in the group. The couple in question have explained that they both come from very impoverished backgrounds, with a lot of financial insecurity. Good degrees and careers landed them in a group of friends where it was obvious the impact money had early in life (eg house deposits, no loans etc). So they made the decision to do that for their children. They’re not materialistic themselves so didn’t miss skiing/ nice clothes/ smart cars/ home decor etc, so they just decided to “hack” their kids into a fantastic start in life.

Our other friends argue that the impact of another £1-2k a year on a few nicer holidays and dinners etc wouldn’t have materially impacted the fund, and would have meant that we could have had better group experiences, plus there’s all the intangible stuff like not suggesting we stop for coffees because it felt uncomfortable that they wouldn’t get anything, and being careful talking about other spending in case it seemed insensitive.

I’m so upset. We had such a lovely group with such a strong bond and now it’s all a mess. We’re the only couple still talking to everyone which in itself is causing problems. I’m posting here because we’ve just been added to a group called “Skiing 2025” with all of the group except this couple, which seems pointed (because we’ve never even suggested skiing before because of the cost.)

The kids are upset. The son is deeply depressed that he started this and they’re trying to stay friends separately.

I suppose my AIBU is “am I being unreasonable to be pissed off that my friends were richer than they let on?” and more broadly what would people do?

Ps- I’m aware some of them are on Mumsnet….

And to be clear they owe an apology for not being transparent about their financial decisions, nor for making the ones they have which is obviously their perogative.

I live in the US and it is very normal here to save healthy amounts for your childrennand not unusual to say try and save one entire income if you can do so I think it is smart to do that and not fritter the second salary away if you can avoid doing so. Many people who have a good double income are very spendy with their money and then wonder why they can't retire early or help their kids buy a home- they didn't seem to lie about that. They were not spendy but very careful so saving 450 k is not that hard if you have a second salary being saved and you are making interest on that money. They just lived frugally and you all went along with their frugal choices as you wanted to include them in the group plans. The only thing that stands out is them letting you all chip in for the rugby camp which I can see would irk because they should have just declined the help but was pressure put on them to join the camp so all the kids can do it together?
I think they have done what any sensible parent would do if they have extra income not needed for paying the bills and a roof over their head etc., build generational wealth to pass on to their own kids to give them the help they never had.

It's no one else's business and friends don't get to decide what other friends spend their money on.

It doesn’t make sense to me.

You all knew their poverty wasn’t of circumstances like illness or an inability to find work. Presumably they were on high incomes to save this much money even if budgeting.

How would it make a difference if they’d paid off the mortgage fast (as disclosed) and were using their disposable, income now to fund their children.

You knew that you were friends with people who had alternative financial plans that went against the status quo of the group.

You had the option of organising group holidays that were in line with your lifestyles and they didn’t stay for as long or chose not to go.

The rugby camp thing, to me, to let someone else pay for it is strange. It’s a moral dilemma… I encourage my child to do all sorts of activities but there are some expensive 3 day camps (not UK) I can’t afford and I prioritise other activities. If someone insisted on paying I’d feel very uncomfortable and refuse. However it’s strange that you all even offered and I don’t know how this unfolded. Was it that you insisted he be included with his friends or that they invited the charity ?

‘In reality their kids haven't ever been on a school holiday, don't have passports, aren't being taught to drive, did no after school sports training despite being talented, haven't had their bedrooms refurbished since they moved in...’

As great as it is that they've saved so much money for their children this is quite sad. They could have given their children all this and still saved them a really good amount. They won’t get their childhood / the opportunity to do some of these things back.

I think I’d probably stay in touch with them but I wouldn’t be as close with them as before.

Many would assume that, if people stayed regularly in 5 star hotels and purchased expensive cars, they had already put aside necessities for their children - university funds, private health cover, quality food, school fees.
The expensive cars and hotels is pure discretionary spending.

Op and her friends were regular Mums and Dads paying a mortgage and educating kids. Easy to think that your fellow friends were also skimping to afford what really matters.

The only issue I see here is letting you pay for rugby camp.

Other than that, your friends seem like the brightest in the group. They have saved hard for their children to give them an advantage. They've taken advantage of their ISA allowances and compound interest. If only half of us were so savvy, we'd all be getting our kids on the property ladder and retiring 15 years earlier.

I think you're all just feeling rather foolish as for years you have enjoyed feeling smug and superior about spending lavishly and now you realise that you are actually the poor cousins and the humiliation stings. You enjoyed feeling more powerful and your sense of superiority has been shattered. Oh how the mighty fall.

Agree with this somewhat, you must've been able to have some inkling of income unless they had a huge debt or gambling problem etc It sounds like you may all be jealous maybe? In some sense if it were me, I may feel mislead, but I don't see how you couldn't figure out their income to some extent

The Rugby camp subsidy is not on, and I’d ditch them on that basis alone as that’s beyond belief.

The general holiday issue though, I couldn’t be outraged. They told you their budget was x. It’s no business of anyone else’s how they arrived at that being their budget for the holidays.

I think this is a good way to look at it, the Rugby thing would make me really angry, it seems deceitful. But I think the budget re holidays is a good way to look at it. It would also annoy me though if you have always catered the holiday choices to accommodate them when you didn't really want to go to those places. It actually seems like a very weird situation. I think for me the trust would probably be gone and that's the real issue. I don't understand why some of the kids are getting upset though, it's really nothing to do with the kids.

I agree with this, what is the big deal if it means you had budget holidays. They're just smarter than you and you're all feeling pissed off. (Rugby thing is not on though). Seems very blown out of proportion because the reality is that was all they could afford if they were choosing to live on one salary. Initially I thought they were terrible, but thinking it through logically I don't really think it's a big deal. Don't we all (well the smart ones anyway) put money aside rather than blowing it all?

You are imagining things.

Feeling smug and superior for years?? I am anazed by how far mumsnet imagination go😵

Why would you be upset? The couple were not honest, they knew others were going on budget holidays for them despite being able to afford better. If they were real friends they would have been upfront about their financial priorities and suggested others organise trips without them.

That's great but then keep out of group holidays and dont cause others to accommodate

I think k falling out with them is ridiculous. They had a budget they decided early on to live on and not exceed. They now have the opportunity to set up their children in a way the other couples probably don't. They were honest when they said they couldn't afford things, because they were sticking to that budget, with a plan for the future. I'll often say I can't afford things, because I will not touch my (meagre as hell) savings for something that I do t need- which would be expensive holidays. Don't see anything wrong with cheap self catering holidays with friends, as it should be about who you go with.

Then why the angst? Speaks volumes to their insecurities. Grotesquely judgmental. Pure middle class twattery.

Their money is theirs to do as they like so I don’t really see a problem with that. If you like these people as much as you say then you should remain friends- money (that isn’t yours) isnt a reason to fall out.
The bit I don’t get is why the other 4 families were so willing to do things that suited the budget of the frugal couple all the time! Surely, you could’ve holidayed at a hotel you preferred in the same resort and just met up during the day/evening? When going out to eat you could’ve, every now and then, chosen a nicer restaurant?
Regardless of their budget you are not all joined at the hip and could’ve done stuff separately. If frugal couple didn’t want to come or couldn’t afford it then that’s in them. My friends sometimes invite me to things I can’t afford to go so I just say no.
You are friendship group sounds pretty intense - . 5 families of say 4 persons in each would mean going on holiday with 20 people - can’t imagine that working out well regardless of the budget

You've all compromised a bit too much to include them on every trip but they should have been a bit more open about why they were choosing not to spend rather than couldn't afford it

They're not coming across great to me tbh, there's not just the rugby, there's all the other times they'll have let you pay extra or get the drinks in. Friends shouldn't leech off of friends like that. I would drop them on this basis
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Technically they have just been more sensible/savvy/frugal.

They have saved a lot so their children won't be started their careers in significant debt. That's amazing.

I'd be annoyed tho because the implication has always been that they are struggling financially when that is not the case.

They shouldn't have accepted stuff like the rugby being paid for if they chose not to fund it which is very different to can't afford it.

I don't think I'd lose the friendship over it. They had a budget for holidays and you agreed to it. Friends shouldn't pressure each other to spend more just because they can. But equally if you want to spend more they have the option to attend or not.

The only thing they have done wrong is the rugby camp payment.

Letting you pay for things crossed a major line.

People can do what they want with their money surely. They probably couldn’t afford a better holiday etc.

it’s the accepting money for rugby camp etc that would have got me. If they couldn’t afford rugby camp their child just shoudnkt have gone.
Otherwise well done on the saving….

Everyone keeps banging on about the rugby and 'letting people subsidise or pay for things'.

In 18 years, the only example op could.find was the rugby camp coming in at £100 in total. Op stressed that the couple didn't ask for anyone to pay for it or suggest they were owed a favour.

Op said one of the dads was paying for his son and took it on himself to pay for the Couple's son too at the same time. Unprompted.

If it was essentially a faith accompli that they found out after the money was spent without anyone consulting them, how's that them being sponges?