AIBU that our friends are much richer than they've let on?

[richmanpoorman]

Long and weird one, that has completely split a friend group.
18 years ago we attended antenatal classes and met a lovely group of people. Out of 8 couples in the class, 5 have stayed in the same location and we’ve all become super close. We see each other all the time in big and small groups and go on a holiday once a year. The children are all very close.

Now all our oldest are 18 they’re all looking at university. The kids were all out having a drink and the subject of funding came up. They’re all doing a combination of loans plus parental contribution except one lad who drunkenly admitted that his parents have a fund for him and his younger sister, for university and house deposits, of around £850k.

Under any other circumstances this would have been none of our business… except for the last 18 years they’ve pleaded poverty. As a group we are all in a relatively comfortable situation, with the exception of this couple who despite quite impressive sounding jobs were very open about struggling financially with a big mortgage etc. Therefore we’ve all been really careful. Every time we’ve gone out for we pick a budget option. Every holiday has been planned based on the fact that they could only pay half what others could afford so we’ve spent 18 years staying in some pretty grim self catering places. In context, say they paid £500 for their share of the accommodation- another £500 (or even £250) from each couple would have been a nice upgrade holiday wise.

It turns out that they made a decision to only live on one income, and to totally save and invest the other income. Apparently they have just therefore never factored it into consideration as it went straight into various investment accounts, so they were technically broke as it wasn’t then easily accessible. One year we all actually paid for her son to attend rugby camp as they didn’t have the cash. It wasn’t a lot of money (£20 a day) but the audacity feels huge.

3 of the couples have stopped speaking to them. (Tbh it might have landed better if the last holiday self catering place hadn’t had been so totally grim, with the younger daughter of one of the families injuring herself due to some shoddy maintenance….)

DH and I are more on the fence. While as a group we all earn roughly the same we do come from different backgrounds- DH and I a more modest teacher/ nurse/ bookkeeper/ florist combo compared to some of the others who did have significant financial help early on in life. This early financial help is clear in the lives they live- with similar earnings we have a much smaller house, state schools etc. Family help early on has made a massive difference to the lives of some in the group. The couple in question have explained that they both come from very impoverished backgrounds, with a lot of financial insecurity. Good degrees and careers landed them in a group of friends where it was obvious the impact money had early in life (eg house deposits, no loans etc). So they made the decision to do that for their children. They’re not materialistic themselves so didn’t miss skiing/ nice clothes/ smart cars/ home decor etc, so they just decided to “hack” their kids into a fantastic start in life.

Our other friends argue that the impact of another £1-2k a year on a few nicer holidays and dinners etc wouldn’t have materially impacted the fund, and would have meant that we could have had better group experiences, plus there’s all the intangible stuff like not suggesting we stop for coffees because it felt uncomfortable that they wouldn’t get anything, and being careful talking about other spending in case it seemed insensitive.

I’m so upset. We had such a lovely group with such a strong bond and now it’s all a mess. We’re the only couple still talking to everyone which in itself is causing problems. I’m posting here because we’ve just been added to a group called “Skiing 2025” with all of the group except this couple, which seems pointed (because we’ve never even suggested skiing before because of the cost.)

The kids are upset. The son is deeply depressed that he started this and they’re trying to stay friends separately.

I suppose my AIBU is “am I being unreasonable to be pissed off that my friends were richer than they let on?” and more broadly what would people do?

Ps- I’m aware some of them are on Mumsnet….

Do most people pay for visitors to park?
I live in z1 and there are no visitors passes or similar. You just pay by phone/card if a visitor or have a residents pass.

The only people stopping you going on nicer holidays or whatever else is yourselves, you wanted these people to come so you lowered the bar.

I don’t think that’s quite fair. I’d say it was more a case that they didn’t want the couple to feel excluded from coming. If they’d said “we don’t want to spend that sort of money as we are trying to build up a savings pot”, everyone else would have felt absolutely okay to crack on without them. The “we can’t afford it” puts the onus on everyone else to dance to their tune. That’s why many feel it’s dishonest.

Well that's an idiot comment because the money isn't only for uni, it's for property, too.

But the couple were happy for their friends to stay in sub-standard accommodation, whilst secretly knowing they could actually afford more. Why were the couple happy to do that to their supposedly good friends every year??

If the couple wanted to keep their savings arrangement private, they didn’t need to let their friends suffer or subsidise them. They obviously gave that impression otherwise they would have instantly turned down the help with paying for holiday clubs.

They could have easily stepped away from the holidays with any number of excuses ‘sorry we’re saving for a big family holiday’ or ‘we’re doing work on the house, we’ll pass on this years one’. If I can’t afford something my friends are doing, I don’t ask everyone to change their plans for me. They could have thought of other ways to socialise with their friends.

Everyone else in the group has made changes for them-what have this couple done for their friends?

Absolutely this! I would far rather stay at home than have a sub-par holiday so spending money on something that is not very good is a total waste of that money! I do not go on holiday for a few years and save up for a really nice trip. You all bent over backwards to accommodate this couple - they could easily have said that you should go on a nice trip, they will save up and join you next year or the year after. They have effectively wasted your money.

Furthermore, they have £850k saved which is wonderful (for their children!) but would it have killed them to have only saved, say £800k and not lied to their friends?

I would seriously struggle to move on from this - they have imposed their budgeting constraints on the wider group in a way that is, at best, disingenuous.

I think if they had been honest, they would have been guilt tripped into more expensive holidays, having coffees out etc. Because 'it's only £5, only £500 more'. They did the right thing by their children and for them. You ALL chose to go on the cheap holidays together, that is not a blame solely on them. You all chose not to do other activities without them. They were honest about the budget they had, they didn't need to tell you all why or how.

You probably didn't grow up poor.

For people who have lifted themselves up out of poverty often the best thing they can 'buy' is financial security and peace of mind.

You see a life of missed experiences. For them, if they'd gotten to this point with nothing to show despite earning more than they could have imagined when young, they'd probably feel they'd wasted the financial opportunities provided to them.

hmm.i hate money.
but...
YOU ALL accepted them being less comfortable\financially restricted when thought was a income related reason.
it still was-they clearly fully commited to what was "disposable" and what wasnt.and are entitled to do so without telling anybody else. thats why its called "private".
You dont at any stage suggest they milked you all financially for years(bar the rugby camp..but...let that stay to side) OR had any expectation y'all downgraded to accomodate them. you all DID and presumeably without them plead poverty-or drama .
ITS super shite for their kid-who suddenly has found himself in an eviable comfortable posotion(first time ever) is depressed because his ma+da invested in make his adult life a good starting base...not his choice..but is lose friends and all he knows.whatta cost!thats crappy.
I guess you have to decide were you duped,misled,bled ..?.they musta made their "available"finances stance clear /shared info.
In my head you either love/like them.ANYWAY . life sucks sometimes

I think this couple not explaining what they were saving for was actually to spare your feelings. If they said, we all earn the same but we are saving for our children's futures how would that have reflected on the rest of the group who weren't to the same extent prioritising your kids financial futures. It would have been awkward to discuss the vast gulf in your financial priorities @richmanpoorman

Absolutely agree with this.

Everyone else in the group has made changes for them-what have this couple done for their friends?

This is the big mystery. Friendships need to have a give and take element to thrive, so how has OP benefited from this couple? Maybe they’re very engaging company, but that’s not clear.

Yanbu

It’s the group of you funding their DS’s rugby camp that I couldn’t get over.

The duplicity of it is unforgivable.

But you might not be their only friends. If every friend felt entitled to get them to bust their savings every time they went out, they wouldn’t have any savings.

You can't be serious! You think just because someone has a strict budget they can't bring anything to a friendship. How on earth would people stay friends for 18 years without at a minimum enjoying each others company...

Friendship is about having fun and supporting each other emotionally in the good times and bad. Not about money

Juskeepswimming I think you’re right

I completely agree with this. If the couple had told everyone they were saving one of their salaries for their DCs futures, they absolutely would have been pestered to spend more money on these trips than they wanted to. By people who don’t have to think or act frugally because they have inheritance / family money coming their way.

This is it.
They weren't just being tight but actually told the group they were struggling financially. When they weren't.
I wouldn't like anyone this fixated with money but now you know I guess you should stay friends. Just adjust your holidays/ trips out to yours and the rest of the groups budget and likes. If the odd couple want to go they still can.

I had a friend like this, sort of. She would always plead poverty because of school fees.

Friends who could not afford a deposit for a mortgage would willingly buy her dinner and drinks as she was ‘so poor’!

Then we would find out she had been skiing and then on an exotic beach holiday. The best was when she was about to buy her own ski lodge, whilst moaning about her own mortgage in the UK.

None of us are in contact with her now.

Rugby camp was out of order but the rest is no-one else’s business. Some people are just tight. Everyone had the option of saying they cba to go on holiday in grotsville. Presumably everyone had other holidays.

They probably knew that if you’d known the true situation, they’d have been left out of some things- as would be right, so in effect they lied by omission to con you all into doing some things you wouldn’t have done if you’d known the true situation. That’s wrong and that’s why you are upset op! As I would be.

The bit I don't like is how they made (guilt tripped) you all have cheap holidays which weren't to your liking. You've in fact probably 'wasted' thousands on mediocre holidays because of them. Had you of known that they weren't hard up, you could have chosen differently and if they didn't want to spend more, they could have opted out. To have let this go on for 18yrs, believing they were broke, is despicable. The funny thing is though, the DS will probably behave the same, pleading poverty to his uni friends. Whilst all our financial affairs are our own private business, to continue to lie by omission for so long is really bad behaviour from them. I think I'd want to know why they kept up this facade for so long and then make a decision on the friendship going forward.

Other than the rugby camp (which seems to be one isolated example of CFery in 18 years) YABVU. None of this is any of your business at all. It’s up to them how they save and budget. If you want to go on a more expensive trip , that’s up to you!

I had free school meals but also so many memories of time spent with my mum doing nice things occasionally like fairly inexpensive day trips to the beach, a farm etc. Saving is important to us, as is our pensions, as I know I’ll never have things like an inheritance to pay off my mortgage one day but at the same time I also live my life with the belief that a shroud doesn’t have pockets. I like to think we’ve got a good balance. I appreciate many won’t be able to save even a little and do nice things occasionally of course!

What I find most galling though about people like the OP writes about is the stinginess to the extent that they don’t seem to care if it makes them a bad friend eg by being exploitative of someone’s good will or manipulative to obtain it - or deceitful in the OP’s friends’ case.

Well then so be it. No one is saying its wrong to scrimp for your children's benefit. If the couple only have half the money to spend on holidays etc thats fine.
My richer friends go on lovely holidays without me. I do the cheaper ones or go with them infrequently when I have the money. I wouldn't expect them to make every holiday a bit worse than it needs to be because of me.

Thats a tricky one !
I think I’d have to talk to them about it and find out if it’s true. It would trigger me personally, I find tight people a bit gross