AIBU that our friends are much richer than they've let on?

[richmanpoorman]

Long and weird one, that has completely split a friend group.
18 years ago we attended antenatal classes and met a lovely group of people. Out of 8 couples in the class, 5 have stayed in the same location and we’ve all become super close. We see each other all the time in big and small groups and go on a holiday once a year. The children are all very close.

Now all our oldest are 18 they’re all looking at university. The kids were all out having a drink and the subject of funding came up. They’re all doing a combination of loans plus parental contribution except one lad who drunkenly admitted that his parents have a fund for him and his younger sister, for university and house deposits, of around £850k.

Under any other circumstances this would have been none of our business… except for the last 18 years they’ve pleaded poverty. As a group we are all in a relatively comfortable situation, with the exception of this couple who despite quite impressive sounding jobs were very open about struggling financially with a big mortgage etc. Therefore we’ve all been really careful. Every time we’ve gone out for we pick a budget option. Every holiday has been planned based on the fact that they could only pay half what others could afford so we’ve spent 18 years staying in some pretty grim self catering places. In context, say they paid £500 for their share of the accommodation- another £500 (or even £250) from each couple would have been a nice upgrade holiday wise.

It turns out that they made a decision to only live on one income, and to totally save and invest the other income. Apparently they have just therefore never factored it into consideration as it went straight into various investment accounts, so they were technically broke as it wasn’t then easily accessible. One year we all actually paid for her son to attend rugby camp as they didn’t have the cash. It wasn’t a lot of money (£20 a day) but the audacity feels huge.

3 of the couples have stopped speaking to them. (Tbh it might have landed better if the last holiday self catering place hadn’t had been so totally grim, with the younger daughter of one of the families injuring herself due to some shoddy maintenance….)

DH and I are more on the fence. While as a group we all earn roughly the same we do come from different backgrounds- DH and I a more modest teacher/ nurse/ bookkeeper/ florist combo compared to some of the others who did have significant financial help early on in life. This early financial help is clear in the lives they live- with similar earnings we have a much smaller house, state schools etc. Family help early on has made a massive difference to the lives of some in the group. The couple in question have explained that they both come from very impoverished backgrounds, with a lot of financial insecurity. Good degrees and careers landed them in a group of friends where it was obvious the impact money had early in life (eg house deposits, no loans etc). So they made the decision to do that for their children. They’re not materialistic themselves so didn’t miss skiing/ nice clothes/ smart cars/ home decor etc, so they just decided to “hack” their kids into a fantastic start in life.

Our other friends argue that the impact of another £1-2k a year on a few nicer holidays and dinners etc wouldn’t have materially impacted the fund, and would have meant that we could have had better group experiences, plus there’s all the intangible stuff like not suggesting we stop for coffees because it felt uncomfortable that they wouldn’t get anything, and being careful talking about other spending in case it seemed insensitive.

I’m so upset. We had such a lovely group with such a strong bond and now it’s all a mess. We’re the only couple still talking to everyone which in itself is causing problems. I’m posting here because we’ve just been added to a group called “Skiing 2025” with all of the group except this couple, which seems pointed (because we’ve never even suggested skiing before because of the cost.)

The kids are upset. The son is deeply depressed that he started this and they’re trying to stay friends separately.

I suppose my AIBU is “am I being unreasonable to be pissed off that my friends were richer than they let on?” and more broadly what would people do?

Ps- I’m aware some of them are on Mumsnet….

its not lying if you have a main budget and you say its tight, etc the devil is in the details

Yes they were and I imagine they feel monumentally foolish for believing the tales of poverty and working around them. No one likes feeling stupid or taken for a ride. I doubt they will forgive and they certainly won’t forget.

💯

chances are they already have it, all you need to do is save thread to your tablet / computer and you have a copy of it so even if its pulled you still have a saved version

💯

You have so much more patience than me, OP, I would have got fed up with dancing to someone else’s tune years ago.

Same, @dayswithaY, we all work hard for our holidays. My BIL went on a week’s city break with friends last year and when he discovered that they wanted to stay at “Hotel Bedbug,” he just said that he and his wife would be staying at “Hotel Nice” and they’d text in the mornings to meet up. I have to admire his decisiveness. 😂

How ironic!
'The devil is in the details' but you say 'etc'. I've seen a couple of your posts and you're arguing over the same technicality. These are human relationships, not a court of law. Not sure if you know the difference tbh.

If they said things are tight as you said it's not a proble but the 'etc' here is if you read the OP is they claimed they were financially struggling. Even gave some 'reasons' such as a 'large mortgage'. They didn't remain tight-lipped.

Financially struggling = no money. Not 'choosing to save'. I've had days in the past where all I had was a tin of beans and toast. THAT is financially struggling.

If you think that having thousands socked away, but just 'choosing' not to touch it is the same, I despair.

Nobody is saying that they have to reveal everything. But claiming to be financially struggling when you have chosen to save. Is not the same as genuinely having no money.

If you choose to not spend you cannot complain that you can't do some stuff. Unlike not having the choice at all.

If you genuinely can't afford something (no money) then your friends choosing to go on a more expensive holiday/ out for coffee/ whatever is them deliberately* excluding you. Which obviously no one who is a good friend wants to do, so they compromise their own preferences. They may still have fun, but the fact is they are making choices based on false assumptions and missing out on things they'd otherwise have loved to do with the mutual friends (that 50th weekend!)

On the other hand, if you can afford it but say you prefer not to (whatever the reason), then your friends can suggest activities freely and you exclude yourself.*

@lifesnotaspectatorsport has it nailed with this post. It’s fine for the couple to choose to spend their money how they want to. It’s fine for them to choose to exclude themselves on the grounds of different financial priorities. But what they’ve done is deliberately maintained a situation where others feel that they shouldn’t be excluded - to the point where others are changing their behaviour or making compromises to enable that. And that’s pretty manipulative. They’ve chosen to exclude themselves - while simultaneously ensuring that they’re not excluded because others feel sorry for them.

But they're not upset about the experiences. They're upset about the lying.
If 'poor couple' had said hey, we are choosing to sit this one out but join us for 'cheap activity' everyone else could have had their holiday.
Yes, they were stupid to bend over backwards for this couple but I can see why they're upset.
For me regardless of outcome I don't like liars so I'd drop them. It's about character. Regardless of what sob story is used to justify it.

true but then as others have said on the thread people have different opinions of what they view as struggling

On an other point how are the kids going to deal with their new money if they've not had any frills ever spent on them.
Are they either going to go crazy and spend it all quickly, or have a different relationship with money and not spend any as they never have done and don't feel they should.
We didn't have spare money growing up and now when I can afford stuff I think I don't deserve it and I shouldn't have something like that.

The holiday budget: completely fine. Nobody forced anyone to book into a cheaper accommodation. Blaming the couple for the kids injury is utterly pathetic.
the rugby camp is reasonable. It’s embarrassing for the couple that they allowed other people to pay for this for their kid.
i hope you can all work through it in any case-a shame for such a long friendship to end because of this.

Not really.
There are people on other threads that get told off for struggling on 50K, but listing their outgoings etc it's obvious why. Especially for single parents living in the SouthEast. Childcare, bills etc and a single earner is taxed more than two people earning half the amount.

These people saving thousands are most certainly not struggling. There is no doubt. It's like the people saying they 'only' have 100K in savings and are roundly shot down by other posters, on other threads.

A mental spending limit is fine. But to tell other people they are struggling is not. Again, I do this too, mentally I'll say 'I've got nothing left' when the rest is in savings but I don't tell other people that! I just say I choose not to spend.

I suppose the problem here is deceit.

"I can't afford it" is different to "I am not able to afford it right now as have locked money into investments for the kids' future".

The fact that they accepted actual hard cash for stuff (like the rugby, drinks or whatever) is absolutely disgusting. Scrimping and saving on a daily basis does make a massive difference over 18 years. But deceiving people and letting them pay for you is not the same as scrimping and saving.

This is not the first thread on here I've read about kids going to uni with 800k though!

Sensible couple of you ask me

Too many of us live in the moment, they have invested in their children rather then piss it up against a wall

No one saving hundreds or thousands of pounds a month is struggling.

Not exactly - there is a difference between being frugal and getting other people to pay for stuff.

My richest friends are definitely the tightest.

The only bit that I see as wrong is letting others pay for their kid's rugby camp. I wish I had the strength they have to not spend the other cash. Well done to them.

I wonder whether the other couple justified their deceit , or genuinely believe it because, in their heads. They came from nothing, but the rest of the group got handouts. OP and her DH claims they didn't, but still.
Also, they have the 'smallest house' in the group so 'poor couple' did invest in property.

Wow, they sound like great parents. Totally put saving up for their kids' futures before having fun and holidays.

Good for them.

This would REALLY piss me off. I spend a LOT of money on holidays a year. I went away in the summer to Turkey with a couple of mates. We got budget accommodation as they did not have a lot of money. It was not great !
Like you an £500 extra would have made for a magnificent holiday.
If I found out they were skinflints but rich ( they are not ) I would be livid at wasting my time on such a budget rather crap holiday.

Id not be able to be friends anymore

YABU and sounds like they have been very sensible. The group sounds very claustrophobic. There is no reasons why you should have been told about their financial arrangements, sounds like you have all been living in a little group bubble.

Do you happen to know when their kids found out about the uni/house fund OP? I wonder if the parents spent years saying 'We can't afford it' in part because they needed the DC to believe that was the truth too. Otherwise there would surely have never been an end to the mithering to do stuff.