AIBU that our friends are much richer than they've let on?

[richmanpoorman]

Long and weird one, that has completely split a friend group.
18 years ago we attended antenatal classes and met a lovely group of people. Out of 8 couples in the class, 5 have stayed in the same location and we’ve all become super close. We see each other all the time in big and small groups and go on a holiday once a year. The children are all very close.

Now all our oldest are 18 they’re all looking at university. The kids were all out having a drink and the subject of funding came up. They’re all doing a combination of loans plus parental contribution except one lad who drunkenly admitted that his parents have a fund for him and his younger sister, for university and house deposits, of around £850k.

Under any other circumstances this would have been none of our business… except for the last 18 years they’ve pleaded poverty. As a group we are all in a relatively comfortable situation, with the exception of this couple who despite quite impressive sounding jobs were very open about struggling financially with a big mortgage etc. Therefore we’ve all been really careful. Every time we’ve gone out for we pick a budget option. Every holiday has been planned based on the fact that they could only pay half what others could afford so we’ve spent 18 years staying in some pretty grim self catering places. In context, say they paid £500 for their share of the accommodation- another £500 (or even £250) from each couple would have been a nice upgrade holiday wise.

It turns out that they made a decision to only live on one income, and to totally save and invest the other income. Apparently they have just therefore never factored it into consideration as it went straight into various investment accounts, so they were technically broke as it wasn’t then easily accessible. One year we all actually paid for her son to attend rugby camp as they didn’t have the cash. It wasn’t a lot of money (£20 a day) but the audacity feels huge.

3 of the couples have stopped speaking to them. (Tbh it might have landed better if the last holiday self catering place hadn’t had been so totally grim, with the younger daughter of one of the families injuring herself due to some shoddy maintenance….)

DH and I are more on the fence. While as a group we all earn roughly the same we do come from different backgrounds- DH and I a more modest teacher/ nurse/ bookkeeper/ florist combo compared to some of the others who did have significant financial help early on in life. This early financial help is clear in the lives they live- with similar earnings we have a much smaller house, state schools etc. Family help early on has made a massive difference to the lives of some in the group. The couple in question have explained that they both come from very impoverished backgrounds, with a lot of financial insecurity. Good degrees and careers landed them in a group of friends where it was obvious the impact money had early in life (eg house deposits, no loans etc). So they made the decision to do that for their children. They’re not materialistic themselves so didn’t miss skiing/ nice clothes/ smart cars/ home decor etc, so they just decided to “hack” their kids into a fantastic start in life.

Our other friends argue that the impact of another £1-2k a year on a few nicer holidays and dinners etc wouldn’t have materially impacted the fund, and would have meant that we could have had better group experiences, plus there’s all the intangible stuff like not suggesting we stop for coffees because it felt uncomfortable that they wouldn’t get anything, and being careful talking about other spending in case it seemed insensitive.

I’m so upset. We had such a lovely group with such a strong bond and now it’s all a mess. We’re the only couple still talking to everyone which in itself is causing problems. I’m posting here because we’ve just been added to a group called “Skiing 2025” with all of the group except this couple, which seems pointed (because we’ve never even suggested skiing before because of the cost.)

The kids are upset. The son is deeply depressed that he started this and they’re trying to stay friends separately.

I suppose my AIBU is “am I being unreasonable to be pissed off that my friends were richer than they let on?” and more broadly what would people do?

Ps- I’m aware some of them are on Mumsnet….

Bare-faced cheeky bastards. Absolutely right to be pissed off, OP. I’d stress though to my kids that their kid isn’t at fault here.

But the sooner many of us realise some people class their hefty saving each month as an ‘expense’ the better. We know a similar couple. Penny pinching to the extent they are stingy and never return the generosity shown to them - they just shamelessly take, take, take. I’ve woken up to it now and the hosting dinner, gifts etc have stopped. It never ceases to amaze me that people can be so stingy that they compromise relationships for it, as your old friends have done here.

@saltinesandcoffeecups Yeah… I only see myself as being taken advantage of by one friend, who’s probably doing the same as the couple here.

Also, as my holiday invites have mounted up, my perception of her lack of input has increased.

I do certainly have issues I need to address, but some of it is strategising my way through having an only child (and I’m a widow) so I prioritise creating fun experiences with friends over material wealth. But I’m up against a friend who prioritises material wealth while grasping everything she can from friends for free.

I’ve resolved to overhaul finances and my mindset in 2024 - motherhood and bereavement and Covid and parental care burdens have thrown so many curveballs.

I do believe honest is the best policy, but my privacy boundaries are too weak.

Goodness I've come back from dinner and there are a lot of messages. It's interesting that there's no clear consensus - they're right, they're wrong, we're jealous, friendships like this are dreadful/ can't happen, it's our choice about the holidays, they are liars.....

A lot to take in. There have been some good points made. One of the parents has seen this and messaged me. She's a bit flabbergasted by the number of responses. She admitted to feeling a bit defensive about being characterised as privileged- but I did point out that I'm assuming due to jobs that DH and I earn the most out of the whole group, yet have the smallest house etc totally because of the start in life we (didn't) get.

She did acknowledge that they perhaps weren't considering why the couple did what they did enough.

She's closer with another couple than I am and will have a word. I'll manage the other family with the injured daughter.

We're hoping we can get back to something like normal, accepting it won't ever be the way it was.

I'd also like the other couple to understand where we were coming from. I think there was so much financial instability in their early lives that a house, food, uniform that fits is seen as "making it". In reality their kids haven't ever been on a school holiday, don't have passports, aren't being taught to drive, did no after school sports training despite being talented, haven't had their bedrooms refurbished since they moved in.... none of this is abusive in any way, and they are loving parents and the kids are fine, but it is a bit sad and a shame as it's not all necessary.

We will ask them if they fancy skiing and they can make a call.

@matrixxx no one is asking them to disclose their financial affairs, simply not to lie to their friends.

The issue in OP's situation is that this couple have chosen to deliberately create a facade of poverty when in reality it was different financial priorities.

Except they've done no such thing. OP has always known that this couple work full time in professional roles and have a household income of £100k+. It's very weird that the rest of the NCT group decided to designate this couple as "the poor ones" when it was utterly obvious that they had a really good income, and that any budget limitations were because of other priorities for their money.

They all sound like they are miffed that their self-perceived charity wasn't the benevolence they fondly imagined it was. And possibly embarrassed that you aren't as savvy with money as they clearly are. The rugby thing is particularly odd - why on earth did rich dad decided that the reason a professional couple wasn't enrolling their kid in rugby camp was because they didn't have £20 to their name? Did he mistakenly think that accountancy was a minimum wage job?

Also the idea that the other families have missed out of years of good times is a nonsense, There's no way that all these rich people haven't been having other holidays and other evenings out.

As I said earlier you sound pretty reasonable about all of this. Hopefully you all find a way forward.

And thanks for sharing the situation. Besides some of the dramatic posts I think there have been som very reasoned responses which always help me learn others point of view even If I don’t necessarily agree with them.

You’ve missed the point about pleading poverty and the other families paying for their child’s sports camp.

All the time while saving one salary. Unbelievably cheeky and deceitful.

EXACTLY!!!! That's what people are trying to explain. If saving!family had been upfront that it was a CHOICE not to spend extra money then the other families could have offered the more expensive meal/holiday/coffee etc. without feeling guilty and everyone would have had the CHOICE whether to come or not - whether money based or because they just didn't fancy it or any other reason.

@Stormbornform I think the group is pissed off because for 18 years, they’ve organized cheap and cheerful holidays purely to accommodate this family-whereas the family wasn’t really that broke. It’s like going camping in Bognor every year when you could’ve rented a villa somewhere sunny. 😂

Perhaps the family should’ve opted out of a few holidays so the others could go somewhere nicer? I don’t know what the answer is, but it’s clearly caused ructions.

Well yes....i think that's the thing. It's totally up to them what they do with the money, but if they'd been honest then the rest of you could have made the decision that you either upgrade your holiday (and give them the option) or do the cheaper version - and you would't have felt guilty if you upgraded and they chose not come (because they made the decision not to go out of choice and not because they couldn't afford it).
Tightness if the thing that i cannot bear most in people, it really gives me the ick - and we are firm believers in saving for the future whilst making memories for today. It's a fundamental part of me.

I'd also like the other couple to understand where we were coming from. I think there was so much financial instability in their early lives that a house, food, uniform that fits is seen as "making it". In reality their kids haven't ever been on a school holiday, don't have passports, aren't being taught to drive, did no after school sports training despite being talented, haven't had their bedrooms refurbished since they moved in.... none of this is abusive in any way, and they are loving parents and the kids are fine, but it is a bit sad and a shame as it's not all necessary.

Thats just bizarre, I mean the could have saved 800k & spent 50k letting them do weekly football, an occasional school trip etc.

@richmanpoorman I understand you wanting to patch things up. But things can not just go back to the way they were. And the other couples may feel pretty resentful if you pressure them to pretend they have.
The couple who lied need to apologise to the group.

It all comes down to the fact do you want to conserve the friendship. Perhaps you all should have been more transparent about what you were willing to invest in your group activities. I think they made the most sensible choice to be honest as this does reveal that their children are now secure and perhaps their friendships were flighty!

Absolutely agree with this! What you consider wealthy someone else might not etc. It's all relatively.

OP I do feel sorry for the situation you are in. But ultimately, their money to do what they want with. I do admit I would probably be a bit annoyed about the Rugby camp and they were cheeky as f**k to accept that and in my opinion should not.

but if in the couples view they have x budget and to them in their view it is tight then they are not lying

I know people like this. Moan about money constantly whilst at the same time openly talking about saving to completely pay their mortgage off soon. It’s a life decision - which is fine - but others should not be expected to cover the slack

I do think the friendship group won’t go back to what it was but good luck.

They allowed you all to pay for their son to go to rugby camp!!!

the holiday budget thing is absolutely fine - but accepting charity so they could save is appalling.

I would cut them out.

@richmanpoorman it seems overall that some people presume, and others have budgets and dont see why everyone has to know x details of the budgets

Not sure why so many posters are forgetting the massive detail of them pleading poverty to the point that others paid for their son, while they were saving an entire salary!

Me too. I can’t be friends with people I don’t trust.

Yes, there is a lack of reciprocity in this. One set of friends were generous enough to bend their preferences so that the couple could do things according to their own decisions and values. The couple weren't at any point prepared to bend to accommodate the preferences of the wider group in the same way.

but if others were happy to offer assistance then why is it bad, ?

They were deceitful. They have been lying by omission to you all. I can understand why the group is upset.

@ApisGuard they are lying. They are making a choice. Instead they said they pleaded poverty saying it was because they had a massive mortgage. They lied to their friends for 20 years. And I personally would not forgive that.
If for the sake of friendships I was forced to socialise with them in a group, I would keep any discussion with them to a very superficial level and keep them at arms length. They have been despicable.