AIBU that our friends are much richer than they've let on?

[richmanpoorman]

Long and weird one, that has completely split a friend group.
18 years ago we attended antenatal classes and met a lovely group of people. Out of 8 couples in the class, 5 have stayed in the same location and we’ve all become super close. We see each other all the time in big and small groups and go on a holiday once a year. The children are all very close.

Now all our oldest are 18 they’re all looking at university. The kids were all out having a drink and the subject of funding came up. They’re all doing a combination of loans plus parental contribution except one lad who drunkenly admitted that his parents have a fund for him and his younger sister, for university and house deposits, of around £850k.

Under any other circumstances this would have been none of our business… except for the last 18 years they’ve pleaded poverty. As a group we are all in a relatively comfortable situation, with the exception of this couple who despite quite impressive sounding jobs were very open about struggling financially with a big mortgage etc. Therefore we’ve all been really careful. Every time we’ve gone out for we pick a budget option. Every holiday has been planned based on the fact that they could only pay half what others could afford so we’ve spent 18 years staying in some pretty grim self catering places. In context, say they paid £500 for their share of the accommodation- another £500 (or even £250) from each couple would have been a nice upgrade holiday wise.

It turns out that they made a decision to only live on one income, and to totally save and invest the other income. Apparently they have just therefore never factored it into consideration as it went straight into various investment accounts, so they were technically broke as it wasn’t then easily accessible. One year we all actually paid for her son to attend rugby camp as they didn’t have the cash. It wasn’t a lot of money (£20 a day) but the audacity feels huge.

3 of the couples have stopped speaking to them. (Tbh it might have landed better if the last holiday self catering place hadn’t had been so totally grim, with the younger daughter of one of the families injuring herself due to some shoddy maintenance….)

DH and I are more on the fence. While as a group we all earn roughly the same we do come from different backgrounds- DH and I a more modest teacher/ nurse/ bookkeeper/ florist combo compared to some of the others who did have significant financial help early on in life. This early financial help is clear in the lives they live- with similar earnings we have a much smaller house, state schools etc. Family help early on has made a massive difference to the lives of some in the group. The couple in question have explained that they both come from very impoverished backgrounds, with a lot of financial insecurity. Good degrees and careers landed them in a group of friends where it was obvious the impact money had early in life (eg house deposits, no loans etc). So they made the decision to do that for their children. They’re not materialistic themselves so didn’t miss skiing/ nice clothes/ smart cars/ home decor etc, so they just decided to “hack” their kids into a fantastic start in life.

Our other friends argue that the impact of another £1-2k a year on a few nicer holidays and dinners etc wouldn’t have materially impacted the fund, and would have meant that we could have had better group experiences, plus there’s all the intangible stuff like not suggesting we stop for coffees because it felt uncomfortable that they wouldn’t get anything, and being careful talking about other spending in case it seemed insensitive.

I’m so upset. We had such a lovely group with such a strong bond and now it’s all a mess. We’re the only couple still talking to everyone which in itself is causing problems. I’m posting here because we’ve just been added to a group called “Skiing 2025” with all of the group except this couple, which seems pointed (because we’ve never even suggested skiing before because of the cost.)

The kids are upset. The son is deeply depressed that he started this and they’re trying to stay friends separately.

I suppose my AIBU is “am I being unreasonable to be pissed off that my friends were richer than they let on?” and more broadly what would people do?

Ps- I’m aware some of them are on Mumsnet….

Yes, the fact it's gone on for so many years. It's a long time to lie

Just out of curiosity, how many of you saying they should have been more open, actually share their finances with people themselves?

but by definition they are not lies, if they are only giving part of the picture to me its others making assumptions that caused the errors

I had a friend who pleaded poverty. I paid a lot of things for him even though I was on a modest income. I later found out his uni grant was the same as my wage, once you factored in tax (a sponsored course) and what's more hid DF is a millionnaire. It's made me very sceptical.

The OP literally said they were very open about struggling financially so they were open about their finances...

@OOBetty I think OP was saying that if each couple had upped their budget by £500 per couple, then across 5 couples that would have been an extra £2500 for each holiday which would have massively changed the standard of accommodation or the nature of the holiday (not spend an extra £2k per couple, as I agree that would be a massive amount).

me personally i dont see why anyone needs to know the details, if my budget is tight then its tight.

This is a tricky one.

They don’t have to tell you their financial position or status.

However, I too would be pissed off about this.

You have invested 18 years into these people and they are not who/what you THOUGHT they were.

As a group, you have made choices and decisions on what you THOUGHT you knew about them and you have all been wrong to some degree.

18 years ago NCT classes where for the “privileged”.

It was a thing in preschool/nursery/primary school to ask if you went to NCT Classes.

Yes, you were wealthy. No, you were not.

SOME people based friendships on the answer and looked down on people who had the bog standard NHS Tour.

NCT parents, stuck together like a clan and made everyone else feel like shit.

I think you are all secretly miffed, these people, who you have always felt sorry for, so have tried to accommodate are going to give their 18 year old more than the rest of you can give your 18 year olds.

The rugby trip is a complete piss take though.

I don't take money from other people so I don't need to share my finances with them

Well what’s done is done. So what to do now?
Either you can all be upset with them and your friendship is damaged. Things won’t be good, and for what?
Or you can say yes it was upsetting to discover this information, your seemingly lower income over these years has had some impact on things we’ve done - which we haven’t til now had any issue with, we all love you! However right now we feel a bit betrayed. We get it though, you’ve sorted your children out for the future which is amazing.
So let’s move on, hope you understand that we might now sometimes do more pricey fun things, which you can come to or not. Hopefully that’s ok! 🤷‍♀️

Ps. If I was the parent of the child who hurt herself due to shoddy maintenance on a cheaper place, I think I Would be really annoyed. That particular friendship won’t survive.

There is lying by omission.

To let the whole group pander to them, make allowances for them, change their proclivities for them - lying by omission.

Having "friends" with this level of knowledge about my finances and with lives so intertwined with mine, is my idea of hell!

But their budget wasn't tight is the point. They were lying.

yes which is the same as saying the budget is tight, so yes open about that fact they just didnt offer the fact that its partly tight due to the savings and invesments ect, so in a literal sense they were being honest

to them it was tight because it was tight, they couldent spend the savings or the investments and if you only have eg £1000 budget then its a £1000 budget and not oh we will dip into the savings etc

@ApisGuard in the same we differ on the meaning of the word poverty I think we are going to differ on this point too.

Sorry, OP. This is an unpleasant situation and there will be no winners. The other couples in the friendship group might be annoyed, but perhaps the frugal couple might also be disappointed and angry with their reaction. Either way, it seems this friendship group is unfortunately irretrievably broken.

Don't all friends have an idea of their friends' budgets? How do you decide on social activities otherwise?

I'd let it go. Life is too short. Go back to being friends.

@ApisGuard to them it was tight because it was tight, they couldent spend the savings or the investments

But you can spend savings & investments.

It's up to them how they spend/allocate their money but it is disingenuous of them to make out they were financially poor, when they're clearly not, they've just prioritised different things - which is their prerogative but it does sound like they've been sneaky and it's cheeky fuckery to have taken money for rugby camp.

fair points, its the devil is in the details and the wordings that makes the difference here.

i do understand what others are saying etc but its the literal interpretation and the assumptions etc i was trying to explain

Really want to know what was said at this conversation/ confrontation…

I'd be a bit effed off to be honest. There's been an undercurrent of dishonesty for a very long time. Saying, 'We can't go, we're saving at the moment, but that shouldn't stop you all from going and having a good time' is something quite different to 'pleading poverty'. They could have done something like chosen to go with you every other year instead of expecting you all to compromise.

I'd have no qualms about going on the ski holiday without them but I'd also remain in contact, even if it were just for the kids' sake.

Well they could have done though couldn't they? It's dishonest to pretend you just don't have the money because other people will try to help you by paying for things for you.